Crazy as Hell: The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.

By Emilio Boechat

CRAZY AS HELL is a collection of humor with texts written between 1991 and 2015 by the playwright Emilio Boechat. Women are protagonists of everyday situations able to drive any girl crazy. With a dash of absurdity and exaggeration plus an always surprising end female problems are addressed in a unique, clever, light and entertaining way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Emilio Boechat
• Release date: Sep 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310045363

Emilio Boechat

EMILIO BOECHAT é dramaturgo indicado ao Troféu Mambembe de Melhor Autor em 1999 pela peça Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou - peça da qual originou o personagem vencedor do Prêmio Multishow do Bom Humor, em 1998, interpretado pelo ator Marcelo Médici. É autor de comédias como Camila Baker, Lives In Concert (indicada aos prêmios APETESP e SHELL); Luluzinhas e Tudo de Mim. Camila Baker ganhou várias remontagens pelo Brasil e em Portugal. Em 2005, teve elenco estrelado, com Daniel Boaventura, Leonardo Brício, Marcos Mion, Otávio Muller e Danton Mello. Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou foi remontada em 2011 por Marcelo Médici. Em televisão, Emilio Boechat já passou pela Rede Globo (Angel Mix e Zorra Total, 1999), Bandeirantes/ RGB (Floribella, 2005 e Floribella 2, 2006), GNT (Mulheres Possíveis 2007/ 2008/ 2009), Multishow (Na Fama Na Lama, 2011). Desenvolveu para a FremantleMedia Marcas Da Vida (2010/2011), docudrama exibido na Rede Record (2011). Desde 2006 é contratado dessa emissora, onde já escreveu e colaborou para as novelas Luz do Sol, Amor e Intrigas, Os Mutantes, Promessas de Amor, Bela A Feia, Rebelde 1a e 2a temporadas (que assumiu como autor principal nos quatro últimos meses no ar), Pecado Mortal, de Carlos Lombardi, o especial de fim de ano Balada, Baladão (2010), e a minissérie bíblica Rei Davi (2011/ 2012). Faz parte da equipe de Os Dez Mandamentos e participa da criação da 2a Temporada. Em cinema, escreveu com Marilia Toledo o longa-metragem Lascados, O Filme, estrelado por Paloma Bernardi e Chay Suede, e o roteiro da comédia romântica O Galã, (título provisório) para a Ramalho Filmes. Foi um dos roteiristas do filme Os Dez Mandamentos, lançado em janeiro de 2016, e sua série de humor A Secretária Do Presidente, produzida pela Mixer, tem estreia também em 2016, no Canal Multishow.EMILIO BOECHAT is a best playwright nominee for Troféu Mambembe in 1999 with his play Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou from which originated the 1998’s Prêmio Multishow do Bom Humor character winner performed by the actor Marcelo Médici. He is the author of comedies as Camila Baker, Lives In Concert (a best play nominee for the awards APETESP and SHELL), Luluzinhas, and Tudo de Mim. Camila Baker was lengthily performed throughout Brazil and Portugal, in 2005, the play was back on stage starring well-known actors: Daniel Boaventura, Leonardo Brício, Marcos Mion, Otávio Muller, and Danton Mello. Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou got a new production in 2011 performed by Marcelo Médici. As a TV writer, Emilio has scripted for many TV Stations and Channels, including Rede Globo (Angel Mix and Zorra Total, 1999), Bandeirantes/ RGB (Floribella, 2005 and Floribella 2, 2006), GNT (Mulheres Possíveis 2007/ 2008/ 2009), Multishow (Na Fama Na Lama, 2011). For FremantleMedia created the docudrama Marcas Da Vida (2010/2011) aired by Rede Record (2011), where since 2006 has written and collaborated for soap operas such as Luz do Sol, Amor e Intrigas, Os Mutantes, Promessas de Amor, Bela A Feia, Rebelde seasons 1 and 2 (becoming the main author of its four last months on the air); Pecado Mortal, directed by Carlos Lombardi; the year-end special Balada, Baladão (2010), and a biblical miniseries Rei Davi (2011/ 2012). At present, Emilio is a member of Os Dez Mandamentos team writing its second season. For the big screen, he wrote with Marilia Toledo, Lascados, O Filme, performed by Paloma Bernardi and Chay Suede and the romantic comedy for Ramalho Filmes “O Galã” (working title). Besides being one of the screenwriters of Os Dez Mandamentos, released in January 2016, his comedy series A Secretária Do Presidente, produced by Mixer, is also due to be released by the cable channel Multishow this year.

Book preview

Crazy AS HELL

The crazy things women do and guys love

Copyright @ 2015, Emilio Boechat

3a edition - revised

Preface

Marilia Toledo

Cover

Leandro Machado

Translator

Aldo Camolez

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with other readers, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to your favorite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

Special thanks to all the women in my life.

This book is inspired by and dedicated to them.

CONTENTS

Preface by Marilia Toledo

About Weight Scales

Workout Day

About Bad Women Drivers

At The Aesthetic Clinic

About Changing Clothes

A Child Actor's Mother

About Fear

Overprotective Mother

About the Job Market

Megalomaniac

About Not Being Fat, But Hot

Lilian and the Ayurvedic Medicine - or You Are What You Eat

About Odd Jobs

The Prisoners

About Lists

The Hippies

About Dogs

Return of the Prodigal Husband

Women as Sex Objects

Isaura The Slave Sado-Maso

About The Reign Of Anorexics

Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown

Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown II

About Diets & Mathematics

Agnes and Dominique Against the White Dragon Cult

About Sex

Thelma & Louise

About The Book

About The Author

PREFACE

Emilio Boechat is one of these authors that motivate innumerable responses in his readers. Laughter, no doubt, is the most immediate, although, not the most remarkable, in my personal opinion.

Celebrated by his comedy plays Camila Baker, Eu Era Tudo pra Ela e Ela me Deixou, O Sol está Quente a Água está Ótima to name a few, we always expect to find a corrosive kind of humor in his works. Nonetheless, the more familiarized I get with his writings, the more amazed I am by his many skills. His talent to create surprising endings, unpredictable twists, and characters both unusual and charismatic is rare.

As a playwright, I can shamelessly say I envy the impudence and courage of his ideas; and also, his expertise to come up with dialogues as absurd as Ionesco’s, such as the ones we can read in the sketches: Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown I and II and Return of the Prodigal Husband.

Another one of his distinctive features is his mastery in writing female plots and giving them a unique and crazy voice, as the title of this book implies. In the sketch At The Aesthetic Clinic, the intimacy he treats his leading characters and their predicaments are so truthful, that if I read it without knowing whom the author was, I would swear it was a woman.

I already confessed to Emilio that I would like to have written some of his plays and characters. If I could assume any of them depicted in Crazy as Hell, I would definitely be the Devil in The Prisoners.

I hope this reading stirs colors and flavors in you, just as it did in me.

Marilia Toledo

Marialia Toledo is a screen and TV scriptwriter, playwright, theater producer, and director; awarded by Shell, A.P.C.A. (Associação Paulista dos Críticos de Arte), FEMSA, Qualidade Brasil and da Cooperativa Paulista de Teatro. At present, Marilia is Record Filmes director.

Back to Contents

ABOUT WEIGHT SCALES

I was bulimic when a teenager. Fortunately, I have overcome it and today I’m a perfectly ordinary woman. After each meal, I take a laxative.

As every other woman, I got a problem with weight scales. They, same as men, are: mean and blunt, never telling what you expect.

Currently, I’ve discovered an infallible method to lose weight: not eating anything after eight. I wake up, have breakfast, and starve untill bedtime.

Back to Contents

WORKOUT DAY

LUCREZIA wears a leotard and hops up and down while she prepares to leave home. It is quite early in the morning. Her HUSBAND enters the stage just when she is about to set off for the gym.

HUSBAND

(Yawning)

Lucrezia, what time is it?

LUCREZIA

(Excited)

It’s five in the morning, honey.

HUSBAND

(Sleepy)

What are you doing up this early?

LUCREZIA

(Jumping up and down)

Going to the gym! Nothing will stop me from starting my workout! I joined a class last Friday, paid six months in advance and today is my first day!

(Pointing finger at her husband)

I feel sorry for anyone who chooses to stand in my way!

HUSBAND

But why so early?

LUCREZIA

(Angry)

Why so early?

(Outraged)

Why so early? Because it’s impossible to do anything for my own sake after you and the children wake up.

HUSBAND

(Heavy-eyed)

You’re exaggerating!

LUCREZIA

Yes! Exaggerating at my candy, lunch, and dinner eating. The time to diet and work out has come! I refuse to become one of those obese housewives that won’t go to the beach because they are embarrassed to put on a bikini.

HUSBAND

(Sluggish)

You look great!

LUCREZIA

But for how long? This house is the sugar, chocolate, deep fried food paradise. I need to take care of myself. Bye!

HUSBAND

(Sleepy)

What about my breakfast?

LUCREZIA

It’s five o’ clock in the morning! Why on earth you want breakfast now?

HUSBAND

(Drowsy)

Huh, because I’m up.

LUCREZIA

(To the audience)

See! He wants breakfast! He wants to ruin my workout!

(To the HUSBAND)

Let me tell you, your breakfast is ready and set at the table! Nothing and no one will prevent me from going to the gym today.

HUSBAND

Who am I to say otherwise?

LUCREZIA

Anyhow, before you mutter anything else: your shirt is already ironed!

HUSBAND

(Sitting at the breakfast table)

Thanks!

LUCREZIA

See you!

(At this moment, the couple’s DAUGHTER shows up yawning and rubbing her eyes with the back of a hand.)

DAUGHTER

Mommy! Daddy! What’s going on? Are you having a fight?

LUCREZIA

Jesus Christ!

HUSBAND

(Sleepy)

No, sweetheart. It’s just your mother leaving for the gym.

LUCREZIA