Lawyering By Dummies Student Expanded Edition

By Dotar Sojat

The truth about lawyers and lawsuits: there is nothing humorous or satirical about it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dotar Sojat
• Release date: Feb 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465866448

Book preview

LAWYERING FOR BY DUMMIES

STUDENT EXPANDED EDITION

By Dotar Sojat

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 by Dotar Sojat, all rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

What the critics say.

See what's in this text; acquire core knowledge regarding fundamental and fee-generating lawyer practices.

Acknowledgment.

Preface.

Chapter 1 - Introduction.

Chapter 2 - What goes into hatching a lawyer? Or, to be one is to know one.

Chapter 3 - There are lawyer winners and lawyer losers, and even the winners lose.

Chapter 4 - What came first, the lawyer or his client, or maybe the lawsuit?

Chapter 5 - Truth versus justice, and the real American way.

Chapter 6 - Starting a lawsuit by filing a complaint, or where 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Chapter 7 - Arbitration and mediation.

Chapter 8 - The settlement process (the letter through to trial).

Chapter 9 - Kill the defendant before the plaintiff can, and don't care how you do it.

Chapter 10 - Lawsuits are ninety percent mental.

Chapter 11 - The deposition -- what happens when the rats have learned to open the refrigerator door.

Chapter 12 - Trials are hell.

Chapter 13 - If you are ever invited to a lawyer's barbecue, ask him about those strange legal proceedings you sometime hear about, but don't ask what he's grilling.

Chapter 14 - Lawyers' fees and feeding the pigeons.

Chapter 15 - That's funny ... it turns out that lawyers have no sense of humor. Instead we have ethics!

What the critics say.

Absolute tripe! This book could not have been written by anyone other than an experienced and successful trial attorney. -- My Law Partner.

The best book I've ever put my hands on! Can I have my reading glasses back now? -- Mom.

Literally a literary fire starter. -- Homeless guy.

"I guess you could call it literary and re-readable, rather than 'litter' and 'recyclable.'" -- Municipal government employee.

See what's in this text; acquire core knowledge regarding fundamental and fee-generating lawyer practices.

Learn the origin of lawsuits:

It's the classic chicken and egg question, and it's often impossible to tell whether there was first the lawyer, then his client, and then a lawsuit or the other way around. Sometimes I think a Dark Ages theory of spontaneous generation best describes how legal disputes get started: seal a rat, some scrap paper, and a petulant child into a closet for a few days and a lawyer, client and lawsuit will spontaneously pop out when you open the door.

Thought you knew how the fax machine works? Think again. Read and learn such facts as:

The culmination of fax machine abuse and lawyer idiocy comes at just about 4:55 p.m. every day in most law offices, just before the official close of business at five o'clock. There, in front of the fax machine, lies a letter or two, waiting for this moment to shine. To guarantee that they can be faxed just before the toll of the five o'clock bell, these letters must be written, typed, edited, printed, and signed well in advance. In fact, many of these letters are the progeny of a letter faxed earlier in the day. That earlier letter made an unreasonable demand for immediate action and therefore needs to be followed-up with another letter that has patiently waited to be faxed exactly at 4:59 p.m. confirming that that demand has not been met.

Acknowledgment.

Thank you to all of the lawyers who refused to shut up and made this textbook possible.

Preface.

I am a lawyer. I have been a lawyer for 20 years.

This book is intended to be the definitive text describing the truth about lawyers and lawsuits. You should know the practical realities of the law, and, specifically, what really happens in lawsuits.

I continue to expect that this book will be the most popular textbook of any law class. This edition is also intended to serve beyond law school as a how-to reference for the infant lawyer during his career towards verbose decrepitude. Thus, feel free to highlight and annotate the margins because it is unlikely that you will be selling this as a used book to another student for ready cash.

One caveat, or warning. Although my tone is sometimes light, strict attention has been paid to the accuracy of the factual and legal statements made, so nothing in this text is defamatory of the legal profession. (Although I have eliminated the source-reference footnotes and bibliography in this expanded edition due to certain anonymous threats.) Nonetheless, I would challenge anyone, particularly any practicing lawyer, to disprove any of my statements, observations, opinions or techniques cited herein.

That having been said, one last warning: If you still find that this text is, if not defamatory, offensive, get over it now. The law, lawyers, and the justice system well deserve their reputations -- ask anyone who is not a lawyer. Like most businesses whose standard for success is the quantity of money made by its participants, lawyering is a profession that is difficult to view under bright lights. If the legal business was a refrigerator, you would not want to look underneath it.

Finally, please also be warned that obvious humor (e.g., What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.) is intended as humor although all other portions of this text may be relied on for purposes of the practice of law.

In closing, be warned that, beyond what is above-stated, I expressly disclaim any guarantee or warranty that this text is well written or, if read (and if you remember what you read) that reading it will result in increased personal wealth. (However, if such increase occurs, I do not hereby waive any right, whether by lien or otherwise, to receive all, or a reasonable percentage, of it.) Specifically, I make no representation, express or implied, that this text will raise your intelligence (and, per the below disclaimer, this text may cause brain injury or madness), that the author does not suffer from any of the normal lawyer afflictions of arrogance or feeblemindedness, that this text does not violate pornography laws, or that this text will facilitate making contracts with the Devil or other lawyers. All liability for direct or consequential damages resulting from purchase, use, handling, or disposal of this book (for instance, without limitation, paying too much for it, dropping it on your toe, headaches from reading it, smoke inhalation from burning it) are specifically disclaimed. Moreover, without limitation of the foregoing and without restriction to anywhere in the Universe, no prediction, accurate or otherwise, is made concerning tornados, occurrence of filibusters, or your spouse's mood.

Chapter 1

Introduction.

This book is mainly about litigation, which is the broad term used to define the formal process (here in these wonderful United States, particularly in California - where I am licensed to practice law) wherein civil disputes are resolved. Civil disputes are business disputes, marital dissolutions, and actions for injuries such as pain or suffering (also called torts by lawyers).

Generally, a civil dispute is when opposite parties request a judge or jury to resolve their argument. Criminal disputes are when the government tries to punish its citizens (usually with fines or jail). Both processes involve lawyers, or litigators, who are also sometimes known as trial lawyers, prosecutors, defense attorneys, or plaintiffs' attorneys.

These types of lawyers are similar, whether they practice criminal law, civil law, or both. This text concerns all of them, but focuses on lawyers practicing civil law in the private sector (as opposed to criminal law in governmental employ). I attempt to break down my observations about these lawyers. I try to describe litigation in easy to understand facts and concepts. Although this book is not necessarily based on any empirical data or study, it is a textbook and is founded on years of firsthand observation and universal truths that any practicing litigator cannot honestly deny. (Although, technically, a lawyer's denial of the truth would be professional habit rather than an indictment of this text.)

This text shines a light underneath the legal refrigerator to reveal some of the trash, insects, rodents and corrosion that form the foundation for our current justice system. As a lawyer, you must live in this environment, use it to your advantage, and avoid all the rat traps.

Chapter 2

What goes into hatching a lawyer? Or, to be one is to know one.

Based on behavior, most lawyers may have been hatched. Better stated: even if live-born, a litter of lawyers is still litter. You must understand the animal that you are, or want to become, so that you will be successful in the lair and more likely to reproduce.

After hatching, lawyers usually cluster into courtrooms where they mill about in front of judges, and judges are simply lawyers by another name. A judge can be distinguished from a lawyer by appearance because, under the law, judges must avoid the