20 Common Questions About Farts

By Donald Rump

Think you know everything there is to know about mankind's favorite green gas? Well, Donald Rump has something in store for you!

Inside, you'll finally get to the bottom of many age-old questions, including:

- Where do farts come from?
- Are farts people?
- Do farts die?
- Do all farts go to heaven?
- What should I do if a zombie farts on me?
- Does inhaling farts cause brain damage?
- What if someone steals my farts?
- Can farts be used to power my car?
- I've run out of farts. Should I dial 911?
- Should I join Fartaholics Anonymous?

And many, many more!

So what are you waiting for? Become a fart expert today!

Approximately 11,500 words in all. Intended for readers 15 and up.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Donald Rump
• Release date: Dec 13, 2013
• ISBN: 9781624544989

Donald Rump

When he's not writing about old, crusty farts, Donald Rump writes about actual farts--the stinkier the better. He is also an advocate of the No Fart Left Behind program and marriage equality for all gaseous entities great and small. Mr. Rump lives in Southern Maryland with his pet fart Floofy. (Note: Image licensed by DepositPhotos.com and © Matthew Britton.)

Book preview

#1: Where Do Farts Come From?

No one knows for sure. Is it just trapped air that takes a rollercoaster ride through the gastrointestinal tract of our bodies and exits the anus? Or is a more definitive answer hard to come by?

Flatulence originates from the word flatus, which is a scientific term for intestinal gas. (Wikipedia knows everything!) How did the word fart evolve out of the word flatus? Who fucking cares? Wouldn’t you rather know where farts come from? If I paid good money, that’s what I’d want to fucking know!

Although the experts would have you believe that farts are composed of oxygen, hydrogen peroxide, methane, green dye number 22, disodium phosphate, polysorbate 80, bleached white flour, malted barley, thiamin mononitrate, aspartame, arsenic, anhydrous ammonia, liquid nitrogen and high fructose corn syrup, don’t believe a word of it!

The truth is farts contain elements not found on this earth. In the end, there’s only one rational explanation that could possibly shed light on their origin: they come from our minds.

Now I’m not talking about your brain. Your mind and brain are two different things. Your brain is merely the physical housing that anchors the mind and spirit. But your mind itself isn’t of this world. It’s a portal to the universe, a wormhole between here and there that randomly opens at odd corners of the galaxy and absorbs various forms of energy. Since your mind materializes the fabric of your existence, is it not possible that it could summon farts from a distant material plane that we do not yet comprehend?

Perhaps the mind collects and combines random elements in its journey across the universe, dispersing them throughout the gastrointestinal tract and creating a hotbed for these otherworldly life forms to gestate. In light of this, farts aren’t baggage that simply needs to be unloaded; they are primitive life forms that are released only when they come to full term. When gaseous entities are ready to go out into the dark, cruel world, then and only then are they released. Anything otherwise would be inhumane.

Although it is improbable if not impossible to scientifically prove this theory, any rationally-minded person can see it from a mile