It Seemed Funny at the Time: A Large Collection of Short Humor

By David Lubar

David Lubar has gathered his best magazine pieces from the past fifteen years, tossed in his most popular works from the early days of online humor, bundled up the comedy material from his national conference talks, and stuffed everything in one juicy volume.

Here's what two of the funniest guys on the planet have to say:

"In this sweeping collection, David Lubar turns his crafty eye to everything from home brewing to the Human Genome Project. His analysis -- as always -- is quirky, clever, and hilarious."

That's from Joshua Malina, famous actor (Sports Night, The West Wing), writer/producer (Backwash), and comic genius entertaining the masses via all manner of social media.

"David Lubar: Funny enough to pay for. And I did, several times!"
Thus sayeth John Scalzi, award-winning science-fiction author (Old Man's War), humorist, world famous blogger, and highly perceptive former humor editor for America Online.

Health care, telemarketers, celebrity picture books, Amish buggy rides, pigeon shoots, tasteless sneaker ads, inept Olympic broadcasters, and lots more -- it all seemed funny at the time. And, happily, it still does. Along with a ton of humor aimed at a general audience, there are special sections for computer geeks, writers, librarians, teachers, and fans of young-adult novels. Check it out. It's a lot of funny for just a little money.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Lubar
• Release date: Nov 3, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465985965

David Lubar

David Lubar grew up in New Jersey and now lives next door in Pennsylvania. Armed with a degree in philosophy from Rutgers University and no marketable job skills, he spent several years as a starving writer before accidentally discovering that he knew how to program computers. He is now a full-time writer and the author of eleven books for teens and young readers, including Dunk (Clarion Books), Flip (Tor), and Wizards of the Game (Philomel). David Lubar lives with his wife; they have one highly intelligent daughter and three idiosyncratic cats.

Book preview

PART ZERO: Introduction

As proof that irony is one of the strongest forces in the universe, most humor books open with painfully unamusing introductions. This introduction will probably be no different. It will, however, be mercifully brief. I don't want to keep you from getting to the amusing part. There are only two things to discuss here — the title and the contents.

I realize my choice of title gives mean-spirited reviewers a free shot, along the lines of, It wasn't then, and isn't now. I don't care. The title is a nice fit for this collection. I've been writing and selling short humor for more than thirty years. The oldest pieces included here date back to the 1990s, a time when computers crashed without warning, health care was unaffordable, actors meddled in politics, and the Internet was a perplexing and dangerous mess. I’m not sure whether to feel alarmed or delighted by how well many of these pieces have aged.

A good part of the humor here (or a part of the good humor) is meant for a general audience. Some of it is aimed at target groups, such as home brewers, writers, educators, or programmers. Some of the pieces are on my web site at davidlubar.com. Other pieces are floating around the Internet, and may have already passed through your in-box, courtesy of a forward from a classmate you knew way back in high school. (If you ever wondered where all that stuff comes from, consider me a source.) An eBook seemed the perfect way to gather everything into one convenient and amazingly affordable package.

Unless you’re a librarian who writes young-adult novels, brews beer, programs computers, and remembers obscure television programs from the 1980s, you’ll probably skip or skim a piece or two. But I’ve crammed in so much that you’ll get your money’s worth just from part one. Think of this collection as one of those micro-brew sampler cases. Few people really want both the imperial stout and the raspberry wheat, but nearly everyone likes the pale ale. And most folks will at least try a sip of the garlic-habanero golden lager. So chug, sip, sample, and savor. You never know what delights you might discover.

These pieces are presented as they were originally written. In some cases, I've added a word or two of background information or a brief, unamusing introduction. Several words were left misspelled as an exercise for the reader.

That's all. Enjoy.

PART ONE: General interest

Wherein we discuss movies, advertising, politics, parenting, beer, sports, telemarketers, health care, Amish buggy rides, and other amusements and annoyances.

HMO Phobia

[Note: Sadly, though it was written in 1995, this piece still seems relevant.]

Several years ago, I lost my job. (I checked behind the couch and in the pockets of all my winter clothes, but there was no sign of it.) While I dreaded the prospect of zero cash flow, potential addiction to daytime television, and hours in line at the unemployment office, all of that was a piece of cake compared to the real trauma. Along with the job, I lost the medical plan. I had to get new health insurance. After extensive research, I discovered there were only two options — private insurance or an HMO. The private plans required several sacrifices. To afford one, I'd have to sell my house, my car, and possibly a child or two. According to the insurance agent, I fell into one of the high-risk categories — people who had been seen buying cough drops more than once in the last five years.

HMOs were much more affordable, and far more confusing. Ironically, the largest insurer in Pennsylvania offered individual-coverage, but the plan was only available to residents of New Jersey. After several dozen phone calls, I finally found an HMO that would take me. That's when the adventure really began. My own doctor didn't know whether he was a member. It took him a couple of weeks to find out. His answer: We were, but we aren't anymore, but we might be again sometime. I dunno....

I had to find a new doctor who belonged to a participating hospital. I also had to find a participating pharmacy, and, as far as I could tell from the fine print on page 856 of the Welcome to the Plan manual, it was my responsibility to find participating diseases.

In some ways, HMOs operate like secret clubs. Fortunately, after several months on the phone, I was able to untangle most of the complexities. There's no reason others should suffer the same frustrations. So, as a service to our readers, I'd like to share the information I've uncovered. Use it in good health.

Frequently Asked Questions about Health Care

Q: What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a contraction of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Modern 'Mancy

In olden days, soothsayers told the future with the aid of entrails, tea leaves, and scads of other handy items. That was all well and good for folks who lived in those ancient and unenlightened times when there was an overabundance of available entrails. But this is the end of the twentieth century, and we have no interest in such old-fashioned auguries. This does not mean that the important questions must go unanswered. For those of you who wish to know when that raise is coming or whether your lottery number is finally going to hit, here's a roundup of modern methods of prognostication.

Xeromancy — divination by means of the smudges and speckles on a photocopy. Write your question on a piece of paper. Run it through the copier. The pattern of dots around key words has special meaning. A licensed Xeromancer can answer many kinds of questions, but is most accurate with those concerning business issues.

Fritomancy — foretelling of events by peering beneath sofa cushions at corn chip crumbs. Fritomancy has proven most accurate in answering personal questions such as, Will I lose weight? or domestic queries along the lines of Is my house infested with rodents?

Twistomancy — reading of the marks on ones palm after removing twist-off bottle caps. A skilled twistomancer can predict many aspects of the future, but most specialize in near-term health issues such as impending headaches and nausea or long-term liver function.

Dandermancy — prognostication by way of white flecks on a black sweater. In areas of the heart, this is one of the most respected techniques available. Adherents are quick to point out that this discipline also works well in career issues, especially those dealing with advancement.

Fragomancy — finding the future in the fragmentation patterns on ones hard drive. A fragomancer deals mostly with matters of time and productivity.

Auto-Tridentomancy — translating the patterns of discarded gum wrappers in a car's passenger foot well. This art is mostly applied to questions concerning the recovery of lost or mislaid objects, but may also be used to divine issues of a financial nature, such as, Will I be able to sell this car?

That pretty much sums up the most popular of the modern methods. For more information, call our help line at 1-900-PREDICT ($5.00 per minute toll applies. Entertainment purposes only.) Or visit our web site at http://www.conscamco.com. Have your charge card handy.

Bus Service

If they had stewardesses on commuter buses…

Hello, and welcome to New York Busway's 7:30 am drive to Secaucus, with a stopover in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel. I'm your head stewardess, Vanessa Pinchon, and I'd like to take a few moments to discuss the safety features of this Ford 788 wide-bodied turbo bus. If you look under your seat, beneath the wad of gum, the crushed drink cups, and the sticky mass of fuzzy stuff, you'll find your road safety card. Please take a moment to follow along with me as I point out our safety features.

Our 788 is equipped with a main exit, as well as dozens of windows that can each serve as an exit in the event of an unanticipated vehicular contact or other emergency. Should you need to leave in this manner, release the bottom of the window and raise it on its hinges. If the window should happen to stick, FTA guidelines recommend kicking it really hard while screaming. In the unlikely event of a water landing, it is marginally possible that your seat might float. Try to rip it free, but hurry because this vehicle will sink at a rapid pace. To further enable prompt exit in the event of an emergency, you'll notice your seat is not equipped with a seatbelt or other restricting device. As always, your safety is our first concern.

In the pocket that's been slashed in the seatback in front of you, you'll find a complimentary copy of yesterday's newspaper, along with a catalog displaying some of the exciting gifts you can buy in the terminal, including electronic equipment at amazing discounts and exotic gifts from the four corners of the city. Further reading matter may be found scrawled on the side panels in indelible marker or scratched in the windows and on any painted surface.

Should this vehicle pass through a zone of low-quality air, please hold your breath and wave your hand rapidly in front of your nose until we regain cabin pressure.

For your entertainment this morning, we are featuring really loud and annoying music coming from the personal stereo of the person seated next to you.

The driver has just informed me that we're about to start our coast down the terminal ramp. Please extinguish all smoking weapons, and return the slumped over person in the seat next to you to his normal upright position.

Thank you for riding Busway Roadlines.

An Aptitude for Scholastics

Those of us who've already gotten past high school are really lucky. Starting soon, the dreaded SATs are going to become much tougher — they're going to include essay questions. With multiple guess, even the densest of us had a shot at hitting the right answer. But essays are killers. Sometimes even the people making up the test don't know the answers. For those of you who still have that rite of passage ahead of you, our spies at Educational Testing Service have leaked a portion of the essay section.

English:

1. Describe the common origins of the terms Port Authority and Port-a-Potty, paying special attention to all five senses.

2. Develop and defend a theory as to how the ending of Hamlet might have differed if the characters had been given access to semi-automatic weapons.

3. If you were his friend, what would you call Ishmael?

Math:

1. According to the song, one is the loneliest number. Using induction, along with any necessary axioms from Euclid, give a convincing proof that this is indeed the case. For extra credit, prove that two can be as sad as one.

2. How much is enough?

3. Describe ways in which life as we know it would have differed if pi = 12.

History:

1. If you were a president, who would you be?

2. Could FDR have taken Hirohito in a fist fight? Could the two of them together have beaten Stalin?

3. While most presidents have at least one good catch phrase, some never said anything memorable. Taking into account events of the time, as well as customs and traditions, come up with a good line for Warren Harding.

Languages:

1. ¿Que pasa?

2. Parlez-vous Anglais?

3. Quo vadis?

Chemistry:

1. One beaker holds 350 ml of HCl. A second beaker holds 245 ml of NaOH. Taking into consideration both the ph and the molecular weight of the solutions, which of these two beakers would you rather spill on your pants?

2. Given the natural breakdown of carbonic acid into carbon dioxide and water (H2CO3 => H20 + CO2) as observed in typical carbonated beverages, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?

Astronomy:

1. Name all the stars. If you need more room, you may use the back of this page.

2. If they can put a man on the common cold, why can't they cure the moon?

Biology:

1. It is well known that the head of a planerian can be split, and that the flatworm will grown two heads in response. Write a sample dialogue between two such heads.

Physics:

1. Einstein said that God doesn't play dice with the universe. Would this stand have forced Einstein to also disallow Yahtzee and backgammon?

2. A physics student has just stepped off the roof of a 1,600-foot tall building. He took