Lies I Have Told

By Curtis Edmonds

This is a collection of short stories. All of them are lies, in one way or another, but even some lies have a kernel of truth inside. All stories by Curtis Edmonds, author of RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY and WREATHED.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Curtis Edmonds
• Release date: Nov 11, 2019
• ISBN: 9781734046427

Curtis Edmonds

Curtis Edmonds is a writer living in central New Jersey. He has written two novels, WREATHED, appearing in November 2014, and RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, published in 2013. His short fiction has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, and Untoward Magazine.

Book preview

A Brief History of the Diet Pepsi Eradication Society

Big Game Hunter

Brief Recaps of Low Bandwidth, an Imaginary Reality Television Show About Media Addiction

Clayton Delaney, RIP

Consider the Red Lobster

Contest Rules for Aluminum Ticket Promotion

Debating the Real Issues

Eat This, Not That – Interplanetary Version

Fact Check

Gordon Ramsay Spends a Week In My Kitchen

Guys, Can We Maybe Not Invite Hank Williams, Jr. Over For Our Football Party?

Hey, Can We Stop Fighting Just Long Enough So Both of Us Can Get Off This Narrow Metal Catwalk?

Interview With A Non-Vampire

Kevin Sullivan, Holiday Mediator

Let It Go

Lies I Have Told

Llanwyn The Unforgiving Seeks Vengeance at a Strip Mall Starbucks

My Yelp Review of that Italian Place in Manhattan Where My Stinking Ex-Boyfriend Works

The National Institute of Precognition Research Reluctantly Rejects a Prospective Fifteen-Year-Old Applicant

No, Sweetie, That’s Not Elmo

Occupy Leap Year

An Open Letter to John McPhee, on the Occasion of the Publication of My New Novel

An Oral History of Our Magazine’s Decision to Print the Message From the Elder Gods Advertorial

The Political Spectrum

Program Listings for IndirecTV

Punch List

Q. Thornton, Undercover

Safe Word

Submission Guidelines for The Coconut Wheel: A Literary Exploration of Candy Crush Saga

There Is No Reason For You To Get That Upset

Twenty-One

Welcome to Flavortown!

What I Plan To Say In Case I Run Into Any Celebrities When I Am In Southern California Next Month

What Does Your Flying Car Say About You?

Yankees Broadcaster Michael Kay Would Kindly Like You to Stop Overusing His Home Run Call

You Should Try At Least One Wasabi Peanut

About The Author

Acknowledgements

Brief Notes on the 2019 Edition

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

John 8:32 (KJV)

Also by the Author

A CIRCLE OF FIRELIGHT

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WREATHED

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RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY

Advice for Young Writers

Make sure that your formatting is consistent throughout your work. If you start with a green crayon, keep using it. Don’t switch to blue halfway through.

Be sure to vary your modifiers. Here, you’ve got poopy in the first paragraph and poopyhead right after that. I would substitute in stinkypants. Think about it.

Set aside time to write. Having a consistent schedule helps build discipline and good writing habits. You might start with Saturday between ten o’clock and noon, if only because that lets your parents sleep in a little bit.

Always respect the integrity of your work. That’s another way of saying don’t spill apple juice all over it. That’s what the sippy cup is there for.

Every good writer needs a mentor – someone to pattern themselves after, someone to inspire them, someone to help shape their style. There’s nothing wrong with that. But please don’t use Khloe. She’s not even good at fingerpainting yet. And I’m not sure her parents even went to college. I mean, they’re nice people and all. Don’t get me wrong.

One trick I always use is that when I create a character, I do an interview with them in my mind, get them to answer questions. It’s a great way to explore their personalities. Kind of like an imaginary friend, I guess. Just a little. Except imaginary friends aren’t real. And they don’t need to eat any goldfish crackers.

Never use a short word when a long word will do the trick just fine. Especially if you can’t spell the long word. Canine starts with a C. Just say doggie.

Do everything you can to cultivate your inner voice. I said inner. Like your inside voice, but so quiet only you can hear it.

The best environment for any writer is one where it’s quiet and as free from distraction as possible. So, no, I’m not turning on The Wiggles. Just forget about it.

If the best way to make your characters likeable is to have them do likeable things, it stands to reason that the best way to make them unlikeable is to have them do unlikeable things. Like, you know, rattling the mini-blinds every single time you go near the window. It’s incredibly annoying. I’ve only said that, like, a thousand times, so cut it out already. I’m serious.

Write what you know. What you know is swing sets. So write about swing sets. If I can get a fifty-word review of the one at the playground before naptime, you can have a Fig Newton. Heck, make it two. Come on, that’s more than what the HuffPo pays me.

Agents of T.A.L.O.N.

This is actually a nice place you picked out. It’s not the best Thai food I’ve ever had, mind you–nothing like what you can get in Bangkok. But you can’t get a decent hot dog there to save your life, so it kind of balances out.

I’m glad we have the chance to talk outside of the office.

Look, I don’t have to tell you that there is trouble in the Organization. You, of all people, know the problem that we’re up against. There are traitors in our midst, Jeremy, and you and I both know how important it is to root them out. You may not realize it, but in your role in Human Resources, you’re every bit as vital as any of our field agents. When I’m meeting a contact in Bangkok, it’s not enough for me to know the person I’m talking to is a fellow P.R.O.T.E.C.T. agent. If that person’s a traitor, then that puts my life in danger, and potentially the lives of innocent people. I need to know that Human Resources is doing everything it can to identify traitors throughout the Organization.

Yeah, I’ve been to Bangkok three or four different times. Nice place. Smells different, but Washington smells different after you’ve been away for a while.

Anyway, look. I think the Director has been overlooking Human Resources as a possible source of counterintelligence about the traitors. And when I’m talking about traitors, you understand, I’m talking about the C.A.B.A.L. They’ve been working for years to undermine everything that P.R.O.T.E.C.T. stands for. I think we can use your files to identify where they have us infiltrated.

You got the green curry, right? Is it a little overcooked? Because that’s what it looks like. Mine is fine, but they overdid it a little with the coconut.

I know the Director thinks the focus should be on T.A.L.O.N. I’m not so sure about that. Now, I’m just a humble field agent, you understand, but I’m the one on the sharp end of the spear. I know what people say about T.A.L.O.N., but I think the threat they pose is overblown. The C.A.B.A.L. wants to destroy the Organization. T.A.L.O.N. just wants to take the Organization in a slightly different direction, that’s all. More focus on efficiency, less focus on propping up an unjust American foreign-policy apparatus. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

How do I know so much about it? That’s a great question, Jeremy. It shows insight. If we could get an iced tea refill over here, that would be great. Thanks.

The first thing to realize is that everything you’ve been told about T.A.L.O.N. is a lie. Agents who’ve joined T.A.L.O.N. aren’t traitors. They’re P.R.O.T.E.C.T. agents, like you and me, who share our concern about where the Director is taking the Organization. If you knew the truth about what the Organization was doing in Venezuela right now, Jeremy, it would give you more indigestion than that green curry you’re eating.

How long have I been in T.A.L.O.N.? You’re just full of great questions, there, Jeremy. I’m not going to confirm if I’m in T.A.L.O.N. or not. But you don’t have to officially join T.A.L.O.N. to be sympathetic as to what they are trying to achieve. Sure, their methods can be a little drastic. You might not agree with their politics. I wasn’t a big fan of everything they did with the Sri Lanka situation. You can get good Ceylonese food here, by the way, if you know where to look.

What I can tell you is that if you join T.A.L.O.N., you’ll be welcomed. Enthusiastically. Because T.A.L.O.N. is looking for whatever foothold it can get in Human Resources so it can get the data it needs to take the fight to the C.A.B.A.L. We’re not asking for your loyalty, or your allegiance here.

Well, technically, I guess loyalty and allegiance do mean the same thing. I said you were smart, Jeremy. So let’s see how smart you are. You’re going to get an email from a colleague that’s going to contain the words satay chicken. When you get that, hit reply all and then attach the most recent version of the payroll spreadsheet. And it needs to be as an Excel 97-2003 file, if you don’t mind. That’s all T.A.L.O.N. is asking of you right now.

You’re going to report this conversation? Really? Great. That’s awesome. It’s just what I wanted to hear. You know why? This has been a test, Jeremy, and you just passed. Go ahead and call this in. Call the Director, if you can get him. We needed to know that you weren’t going to crack if T.A.L.O.N. put a little pressure on you, and now we know.

Sorry to do that to you, man. But at least you got a decent lunch out of it.

Seriously, though. You’re on the front lines now. C.A.B.A.L. is going to be gunning for you. So is T.A.L.O.N. You need to stay sharp. Mentally alert. Because someday, there’s going to be a serious uprising, and you need to know what side you’re really on.

How do I know about the uprising? You’re just full of great questions, aren’t you, Jeremy? Don’t worry about it. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do. You’ll know where you stand. I just want to make sure you stand with us. Whoever we are.

A

Reviews for Lies I Have Told

[toolittlereading · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this as a Member Giveaway. No compensation was received other than a chance to read this work.The version I was sent was a second edition, which included the first chapter of the sequel, A Circle of Moonlight. It appears there may have been some slight differences between this and a previous edition.Overall, the story was engaging, and the parallel storylines worked without one overpowering the other. While there are pop culture references, such as to Beyoncé and Justin Timberlake, they shouldn't be too confusing to most readers. There are also references to various pieces of high fantasy literature (Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc.).Recommended for those who enjoy Ready Player One, fantasy novel readers, and those who enjoy isekai (anime/manga about those characters summoned to another world).

[kimkimkim-7 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

If the author had stuck to a tight storyline this might have been an out of the park homerun. Unfortunately, he is all over the place and while he seems to realize the need to rein in the tangents, they get farther and farther off track. The constant pop-culture references assume that the reader will be familiar and if not, oh well, turn a few pages and try to make sense at that point.Bottom line – a car wreck, two sisters are the victims. Do they live? Do they share the same dream? Do they come out of the medically induced comas? I loved the dreamscape where Ashlyn keeps getting knocked on her rear and bounces back to do battle again and again. She is not lucky enough to have dreams about fun things. This is pretty much the beginning, the middle and the end of the book. I enjoyed some of the goofy characters – a large black rabbit with a kind cultured mid-Atlantic accented voice, the guardians, the kindly and caring neurologist, a great set of parents.Three stars for effort. Thank you NetGalley, Curtis Edmonds and Scary Hippopotamus Books for a copy.