Divorcing The Narcissist: Break Free From Narcissistic Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Toxic Relationships & Manipulation- How To Co-Parent With Them & Why They Target Empaths

By Sarah Evanson

For Some Of Us, Its Not As Simple As Leaving & Having No-Contact With Our Narcissist, Which Is Why We've Written Divorcing A Narcissist To Help You Navigate This Process & Navigate The Co-Parenting Conundrum

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sarah Evanson
• Release date: Oct 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9781916673441

Book preview

Introduction

Why Is It So Difficult to Heal?

Have you ever had to let someone go from your life? Was it a toxic partner whose personality came into conflict with yours? A partner who was not the person you believed they were? A competitive colleague who saw every task as a chance to get ahead?

While each of these situations may present different challenges, one thing stands true: saying goodbye and walking away probably didn't make you miserable.

It's natural to feel emotions from the remains of the relationship as your mind and heart work to cut the ties that connected you to this person. However, once those few days or weeks had passed, you were most likely fully functional again and probably relieved. You might not have even thought about that person unless someone mentioned them to you. You recovered, moved on, and improved. So why is it so difficult now?

Narcissistic relationships have characteristics that make it particularly difficult to deal with. As a result, after you walk away, you may experience the same intense pain that you did when they were an active part of your life.

Chapter 1

The Narcissist's Way

The Grip 

This is perhaps the most complex and effective tool a narcissist has for keeping their victims dependent. This grip is gradually built over time, using conditional love and affection as a tool to manipulate the victim into behaving the way they want.

As time passes, the victim grows fond of the narcissist, and the abuser will take advantage of this bond. Even when the victim is not involved in the development of an issue, the victim becomes the scapegoat for the various problems that may arise in the narcissist's life.

The narcissist now insists that you are the problem, that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong in your lives together. They persuade you that you need them, because you are not perfect, and they know how to keep you from causing further harm to yourself or others. They make you believe you need to depend on them, as if you owe them an explanation or an apology for everything that goes wrong.

You, on the other hand, are fully convinced. The kindness, affection, and love they showed you at the start of your relationship has reassured you that they have the best of intentions. They've persuaded you that they’re superior to everyone—including you—and thus are the only one who can provide you with verified truth and advice.

You've become tied in their web without even realizing it. You feel dependent on them, and the first question that comes to mind whenever you make a decision is what would they think? You're walking on eggshells, careful not to offend them and doing everything you can to please them.

Unfortunately, leaving them doesn’t dismantle such a deeply embedded mechanism. This is because, over time, this system causes you to lose your sense of free will. Your dependence on the abuser becomes instinctive and making decisions on your own becomes difficult.

So, now that you've left, you're wondering what to do next. You feel the need for someone else to tell you how to proceed, and the only person who comes to mind is your abuser. Unfortunately, no one else will be able to help you through this difficult time as much as yourself.

Guilt

A civil separation from a narcissistic relationship doesn't really exist. In fact, you are probably not on good terms with your abuser. Knowing you're not on good terms with your abuser may trigger feelings of guilt. They persuaded you that anything wrong with your relationship was your mistake, so now that you're ignoring each other indefinitely, you feel accountable for the situation.

This sense of guilt can make you want to run back, apologize, and take back your place in their sophisticated mechanism. Going back and apologizing for something that wasn't your fault won't help much because you didn't do anything to deserve an apology in the first place.

Guilt is so important in a failed recovery because it is often the reason victims restore relationships with their abuser. Reaching out because of guilt can be especially dangerous because it allows the abuser to shape the way you think and feel, increasing the likelihood that you will engage once more.

Lack of Support

It would be much easier to deal with narcissistic abuse if your family and friends could support and educate you. However, because narcissists are great pretenders, they can successfully conceal their true selves from everyone.

They spend their entire lives constructing an image of perfection and intelligence, creating a character to be admired, even if their actual life is far from perfect. This well-executed show makes it impossible for others to see the truth.

Approaching friends and family who may know your abuser is often pointless because they are unlikely to believe you. After all, they've come to view the narcissist as perfect. As a result, they'll assume what you're experiencing is most likely the result of a misunderstanding.

Most of the time, you will have to heal on your own. Of course, there will always be support systems and online resources where you can find people who have experienced similar things. However, if you were hoping to gain the sympathy of those around you, especially if they are also familiar with the narcissist, you may be disappointed.

Mainstream Media

They say love conquers all. Through books, movies, and music, the media has taught us over the years that true love can correct any mistake.

To show others that we love them, we must be selfless and sacrifice our comfort and convenience. So, whether it's a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner, the desire to fight on may be overwhelming because that's what we've been taught. That's how we get our happy ending, which is so often romanticized in today's films and songs. Unfortunately, selflove is a type of intense love and affection that the mainstream media fails to highlight. When we tell others that we did something because we wanted to love ourselves, we are often labeled as self-centered, insensitive, and selfish. We are not trying hard enough, and we are too lazy to love others. We don't value other people's worth, and we don't value the long-term relationships we've built.

But, before you give those ideas any space, keep in mind that you are the most important person you have. So, don't let anyone reject your efforts to care for yourself, particularly if your abuser has done nothing to demonstrate that they genuinely care about you.

True, many of us have been conditioned to act like love-giving robots, capable of dispensing affection and love even in the most difficult emotional situations. But you can't pour from an empty vessel, and you certainly don't need to feel guilty for a relationship you're solely attempting to save. Relationships are two-way streets, and they will never work if only one person clocks in at any given time. Putting yourself first is not a selfish strategy; it is a mature way of dealing with things.

You can only truly care for some else if you believe in your ability to love; this starts within yourself. In the same way, this powerful security in your being will attract the same type of person, allowing a healthy, flourishing relationship to develop without pretenses and ulterior motives.

The Unacknowledged Reality

Perhaps you've already noticed signs. Perhaps you've already noticed strange behavior. Perhaps you chose to remain silent because you didn't want to start a fight. Perhaps you turned a blind eye because that's not how you've known them. In any case, you saw the warning signs and chose to ignore them.

Many people who fall into the narcissist's trap can detect the problematic personality long before it manifests. But they choose to remain silent and avoid conflict in order to believe the best. They want to believe they are a good person and that these glimpses of strange behavior are isolated incidents.

Going against your instincts and then discovering you were correct about how you felt can make it extremely difficult to move on. The feeling of betraying your own radar will make you want to beat yourself up.

Although it can be discouraging, keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes, and no one is perfect. While the narcissist’s behavior tricked you into believing that your instincts are wrong, you must recognize that it was just a mistake, and a learning experience. Not everyone survives such intense abuse, so you must take advantage of the unique opportunity to grow and mature that many others will not have.

Don't beat yourself up about things you no longer have control over. Instead, look forward to the future and learn to acknowledge your instinct whenever it warns you the next time. If you give your intuition the attention it deserves, you'd be surprised how well it can keep you safe from threats.

Chapter 2

What Is Narcissism?

The term narcissism is derived from the character of Greek Mythology named Narcissus, who, despite being widely admired, was famous for ignoring others and seeking only to please himself. While Narcissus was a fictional character, the personality he exhibited is quite common in our lives and is evident in psychopaths and narcissists. Fortunately, this threatening personality is becoming more obvious with the help of social media and movies.

Unfortunately, Narcissus never realized he was in love with a fake image rather than reality. He died while striving for perfection. The tragedy, however, does not end there. In the myth, there's also Echo, a nymph who could only repeat what others said to her and was unable to express her own thoughts and feelings. Echo saw Narcissus walking through the woods one day and fell in love with him. She tried to get his attention, but communication was impossible. As a result, Narcissus only heard his own words repeated back to him. Echo eventually died of a broken heart.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist will see that Echo's character is similar to yours. You try to make your story known, but your efforts fall on deaf ears as you are ignored and never understood. You cannot communicate and you feel invisible, angry, depressed, or humiliated at times. You become engaged in a struggle for recognition and you want approval from the narcissist while he admires himself in the mirror. You