Set Healthy Boundaries: Reclaim Yourself, Discover The Art Of Saying No, Set Yourself Free From Guilt & Stop Overthinking Your Relationships & Relieve Your Anxiety

By Sarah Evanson

Discover How You Can Set Yourself Free, Stop Being A Doormat & Start Living Your Best Life By Setting Healthy Boundaries & Learning The Art Of Saying No! 

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Sarah Evanson
• Release date: Oct 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9781916673410

Book preview

Introduction

Focus on the present moment and feel how you ended up exactly where you are. You did not end up here by chance. You are here because of your choices.

And some of your choices involved allowing certain people into your life while keeping some people out. You pursued goals, gave your energy and effort, and you spent thousands of hours working toward goals that all contributed to where you are now. Where you are is the result of each and every choice you've ever made. In other words, your life moved through a path that was created and shaped by your boundaries.

Chapter 1

Boundaries

Boundaries are known as limits that protect our integrity. Similar to the skin which defines your physical limits and your body's integrity, boundaries are limits that are set to protect relationships, time, home, children, your way of doing things, priorities, health, and possessions. These boundaries are invisible and are established by your choices and actions.

A boundary is a limit. You safeguard the integrity of your day, your spirit and energy, and your relationships. Your choices shape each day’s outcome. When you abuse your own limits or let another person ignore them, your life becomes miserable.

Boundaries allow good things enter your life while keeping bad things away. Thus, boundaries work differently than a defense, which chooses what to enter and what to stay out.

Boundaries also maintain our focus and protect our identity.

Boundaries can improve any aspect of your life that isn't working for you.

Boundaries can improve integrity, whether its your’s, your relationship’s, your friendship’s, or your energy’s.

This book is a guide to boundaries. It will help you become aware of your own boundaries and defenses that may have harmed you and your relationships and will teach you how to make better choices as you go through your life.

This book teaches you how to manage your daily responsibilities so that you can devote your time and energy to the important things. You may be able to fill the gaps in your life with the people, activities, and pursuits that truly reflect who you are if you have a better understanding of what to include and what to exclude.

Only you have the power to change your life.

How Do Boundaries Work?

It is common to hear the word boundary. But what exactly is a boundary? A boundary is a limit that separates you from other people. The skin is a boundary and contains everything from blood, to bones, to organs. It is a physical barrier that separates each human from every other living thing. When something violates this boundary, it can cause injuries and other harm. Anything from stress, to toxicity, to even death. Thus, life is preserved by an intact physical boundary.

The physical parts also have boundaries. A membrane, for example, covers neurons in your brain. Your bones are protected by muscles from your muscles. There are unlimited boundaries in the physical world.

Our physical selves are protected by our skin, but we also have a boundary that goes beyond it. When someone stands too close, we notice this. We feel as though they are in our safe zone, surrounded by an invisible circle. This is dynamic. For example, a lover can stand closer to you than most of your friends, and a friend can stand closer to you than a stranger. But when we deal with aggressive people, we will need to keep distance.

Emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational boundaries also exist. There is a limit to what is acceptable and safe. You are unique because of the limit that separates you from other people.

So, let’s start. What exactly is an emotional boundary? We each have our own unique set of emotions and reactions. Based on our individual perceptions, family histories, values, objectives, and concerns, we respond to the world in a unique way. We can find others who react in a similar manner, but no one reacts exactly the same way we do.

What about spiritual boundaries? Only you can determine which spiritual path is best for you. A person who tries to convince you that he knows the only way you can believe, is violating your spiritual boundary.

Furthermore, we also have limits on what is safe and acceptable sexual behavior from other people; we call these sexual boundaries. We can choose who we sexually interact with and how much of that interaction we have.

But we also have relational boundaries which define what is acceptable social interaction and determine the role we play in societies.

Overall, our lives are put in order by these boundaries. We gain a better understanding of who we are and how we relate to other people as we learn to build up our boundaries. We are given the power to decide how others will treat us by setting boundaries. We can have the wonderful assurance that comes from knowing that we can and will protect ourselves from other people’s ignorance, meanness, or lack of thought if we keep good boundaries.

How Do We Establish Boundaries?

Boundaries begin the moment we are born. In a healthy family, the child is supported in becoming an individual and developing a self-concept that is distinct from that of the other members. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you probably didn't get much help learning how to set boundaries. It's possible that you didn't know where your boundaries were. In fact, it's possible that you were taught to let others cross your boundaries.

When we are children, how we are treated affects us in the way we view boundaries. The way we allow others to treat us then demonstrates to them where our boundaries are. If we indicate where our boundaries are, most people will respect them. However, there are cases where we must actively defend our boundaries against some people.

Maintaining Boundaries Is Necessary

Your skin serves as an obvious illustration of your physical boundary. Although they are less obvious, emotional and interpersonal boundaries are just as important.

Assuming your profound or social limits are penetrated, you become defenseless against harm. A boundary violation occurs when other people's careless or intrusive actions breach these invisible boundaries.

Boundaries require maintenance. And because some people are like ivy, they continue to crawl under or around our boundaries. It's exhausting, but if we let these people stay in our lives, we have to keep cutting them down and getting rid of their bad behavior from our space.

How are boundaries constructed? Are they flexible or rigid? Is it possible that I am also preventing compliments from coming in if I have a boundary that prevents others from making negative remarks?

There are many different sizes and shapes of boundaries. They can be impenetrable like a lead shield or permeable like a chain-link fence, as rigid as a brick wall or as flexible as a plastic bag. Some boundaries are visible, while others are hidden. Boundaries can be far reaching, or they can be close.

In one culture, what is considered a healthy boundary may be misunderstood or feared in another. These fundamental differences can result in boundary conflicts. Therefore, the values of the culture in which we live have some bearing on boundaries. When we interact with people from other cultures, it's important to be aware of these differences and to keep in mind that neither side may intentionally cross a boundary out of malice.

The health of our boundaries is related to our emotional well-being. One of the most uncomfortable things is learning how to use boundaries after growing up in a dysfunctional family. It goes against our very grain because it puts our previous understanding of survival in jeopardy. But the outfits change over time. We develop the perception that we are distinct from others but not too much so, and if our boundaries are maintained, we experience a sense of well-being. It feels good to have clear boundaries. Sound boundaries are adaptable enough that we can pick what to allow in and what to keep out. For example, we can decide to let in affection, kindness, and positive regard instead of meanness and hostility.

What boundaries do you have? Are you aware of them? Do you recognize your strengths and uniqueness? Are you happy living within your boundaries?

Exercise: Picture Your Boundary

Equipment: String with a minimum length of 30 feet in length

Put the string on the floor in a circle in the middle of a large room with lots of space. Put yourself in the center of the circle. Make the assumption that everything outside the circle is not you. Consider that you are the center of the circle.

Consider what brings people into your circle. What is important to you? Do you hold any beliefs? What annoys you? Do you have a passion? What are you? What piques your interest? What irritates you? What do you hold dear? How do you feel about this? How do you really appear?

You stand out from everyone in a million different ways. Your self-concept will become more solid the more you learn about these subjects.

Write down your responses to these questions.

What Boundaries Do When Words Don't Work

Boundaries have to come first. That is, you will need to set a limit when someone doesn't acknowledge how their actions affect you. This limit not only shields you from additional challenges, but it also provides the other person with an experience that may be more potent and have greater impact than your words.

A property line is what defines a boundary. It makes it clear where you and the other person begin and end. You establish boundaries through your words, actions, and sometimes the assistance of other people. You can be more precise about what you support and oppose, as well as what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships, with boundaries.

Understanding Boundaries

It is important to understand how a boundary affects relationships. Keep in mind there are two types of boundaries—protective boundaries and defining boundaries. The purpose of each kind of boundary is distinct. Learning the difference is critical because protective boundaries are those that you can move beyond. Defining boundaries should remain in place throughout your life.

Values that define boundaries are what make you who you are and who you are not. They are at the center of who you are and show what you think is worthwhile and important in life. The following are a couple of examples:

I will always live my life in accordance with God and his ways.

I will treat my friends and family with kindness and honesty because I care about them.

I will never stop learning and moving in the right direction.

I am aware of my life's mission and purpose and will not deviate from it.

I tell the truth and receive it; I don't react defensively or silently when receiving it.

These characterizing limits assist you and others with knowing the genuine you: the individual who has substance and represents things that matter. They assist with directing your choices and headings throughout everyday life.

In your