You Can't Make This Sh*t Up!: What to do when love turns to pain; how to get free, stay safe and love again.

By Louise Dell

In "You Can't Make This Sh*t Up!" Louise shares her remarkable story of transformation as her life went from one of abuse and fear to one of love and respect. With practical insights and essential resources to help identify the most common red flags which can indicate problems before you enter a relatio

• Language: English
• Publisher: INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT CONSULTING
• Release date: Mar 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9780645286700

Louise Dell

Louise Dell is an inspiring author, consultant and advocate working in the field of Human Potential. With a background in International Relations and Community Development, it is Louise's own experience of being caught in an abusive, violent relationship (one which nearly cost her life) which drives her philosophy. Louise believes that life is for living, not just surviving and it is this belief which helped her transform her life from one of abuse and fear to one of love and respect. The intention of her work is to raise awareness about abusive, violent and coercive relationships; how to see the warning signs, how to avoid becoming engaged in one, encouraging victims of abuse to leave, and educating friends, family and the wider community on how they can help. Ultimately, Louise's message is one of hope and support; what happened it is not your fault, life can get better and you can heal from the abuse to create a life you love. The moment which changed everything for Louise was when she came face to face with her own mortality at the hands of her violent partner. Pinned down, unable to move, threatened with death she looked into the cold, cruel eyes of her abuser. Deep within her she knew she wanted to live. She decided then and there that her life would change from this point forward. It took courage, determination and many years to disentangle herself from her abuser's web of lies and deceit, face him in court and rebuild her life, but this is what she did. Able to share her story freely and authentically, Louise understands the process of being manipulated into a coercive, violent relationship, how it feels as the abuser takes control, what it takes to finally leave, what to do to navigate the daunting legal system and how to find yourself to recreate your life. With intelligence, compassion and insight Louise brings a fresh, empowering perspective to this most challenging subject. You Can't Make this Sh*t Up! follows her unique story and offers practical information and resources for those facing abuse.Louise has a Masters of International Studies with extensive experience, both nationally and internationally, working with Governments, Corporations and NGOs across Asia and the Pacific regions. A specialist in assisting organisations to, rollout community initiatives and enhance their capabilities across International Trade, Sustainability and Business and Community Services, Louise consults in these global fields. She lives with her husband and dogs in the beautiful south west region of Western Australia, loves sailing the crystal blue waters near her home.

Book preview

Section One

A Cautionary Tale - The Princess and her Prince Charming

"To love who you are,

you cannot hate the experience which

shaped you.

Embrace the experience."

CHAPTER 1

The Paradox

How Could It Happen?

I had no idea how I ended up in the grip of an abusive, violent relationship but it is where I found myself for almost six years. Once I gained the courage and strength to leave my partner, the abuse continued in another form. After it was finally over, it took me several years to fully recover.

However, my life wasn’t always like this.

Before I met my ex-partner, I’d been an outgoing, fun-loving, forward-thinking person. I came from a happy family home where Mum and Dad had the occasional argument, as did my older sister and I, however, we were never neglected or abused. And my dad was not violent towards my mum. In fact, my parents enjoyed a long and loving marriage of over 47 years, which only ended when Mum passed away. I had a private school education and Mum was dedicated to empowering me to stand up for myself in life and with the occasional bullies. We even listened to Helen Reddy’s song, I Am Woman, on the radio as the Women’s Movement took off in Australia.¹ My upbringing wasn’t perfect by any means, but I have great childhood memories and often saw my parents laughing and dancing together as well as working as a unified team for our family.

In my twenties, I moved out of home, put myself through university to gain a Master’s Degree in International Relations, built a well-paid career, and maintained a loving, long-term relationship for seven years. In my work, if I had a dream I wanted to pursue, I’d set my sights on it and give it all I had. This attitude and approach to life served me well and has taken me halfway around the world working for international government and non-government organisations to support human rights and improve conditions for those living in developing nation-states. Some of this work has specifically involved being an advocate for micro and macro business development, improved access to education and health services.

Interestingly, due to my focus on professional success, I have been labelled as ambitious or even adventurous. Yet, my high school teachers encouraged us to step out into the world saying we were the women of tomorrow. They explained that we were members of the new generation of educated, articulate young women able to stand up and speak out on issues close to their hearts. However, no matter the labels or other people’s opinions, it’s true that I have always had a voice and been willing to use it.

So, you may ask, as many well-meaning people do:

How did you find yourself trapped in an abusive, violent relationship?

Why did you stay living with your abuser for so long?

And, perhaps the most common one of all, Why didn’t you just leave?

Believe me when I say that I have asked myself these questions countless times since I finally left the relationship. Every day I’d wonder, why me, what did I do to deserve this?

Why did he hate me so much? Why did he yell and swear at me for no reason? Why did he physically threaten, then beat me as if I was nothing? Why did he want to control me, my finances, my life, my mind, my soul? I thought he loved me, yet he treated me with cruelty and without respect.

Maybe he couldn’t handle a woman who believed in herself and wasn’t subservient to his needs. Or felt lessened by a woman who had a mind of her own, earned more income than he did and had her own interests. Whatever it was, he didn’t like me being me, doing what I wanted to do and would make me suffer the consequences of my actions if I stepped out of line. Ultimately, he even tried to kill me. This was the reality of my experience with domestic violence and the abusive relationship in which I was involved for over five years.

Nevertheless, during my journey of healing and recovery, I have come to understand that I could question myself and my sanity over and over again. I could ask all the questions under the sun as to why someone, supposedly my one, would want to hurt me. However, there was something wrong with this way of thinking, because it was not me it was he who should have been questioned. There is no rhyme or reason as to why people commit acts of domestic violence-emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, or physical abuse-on their partners. Yet I do know that it is the perpetrators, not their victims, who must first be held to account and interrogated for their actions. For they are the ones who cause the pain and trauma to others, and the damage they wreak lasts long after the relationship ends.

Eyes Wide Open

Additionally, when I came out of this violent relationship, not only were my eyes now opened to the reality of abuse but also my self-confidence was shattered. I had fallen so low that I had lost all sense of who I once was. My career and finances had also been decimated. I thought at the time that I was at rock bottom. However, it was after I left that my situation became a whole lot worse. Yet, as I went through the process of untangling myself from this relationship and had to face the Family Court System, it became clear to me that domestic violence did not discriminate based on culture, religion, financial status, gender, education, age, or background.

The truth is it can happen to anyone, perhaps even you.

This is the paradox of domestic violence; how aware, intelligent, capable people can find themselves being abused at the hands of a violent perpetrator who also happens to be their current or ex-partner.

The statistics also bear this out, as there are an estimated 2.2 million Australians who have experienced physical or sexual violence from a current or previous partner.² Additionally, these figures only include those incidents which have been reported to authorities and the Australian Bureau of Statistics states that up to, 80% of women and 95% of men who had experienced violence from a current partner never contacted the police.³ Therefore, the problem is estimated to directly impact many millions of individuals across Australia. Then there are the hidden negative effects to family and friends of both the abuser and the abused to consider. So, it is a real and pervasive problem.

This book, however, is firmly centred on the steps you can take to see the warning signs, avoid getting into an abusive relationship, escape an existing one, and ultimately recover from its lingering impacts, as there are some positive lessons to learn from my story. The good news is that there is hope and the possibility of a new life on the other side of an abusive relationship. For me, it has taken some time, but I have rebuilt my sense of self, my trust, my faith in others and my life. I have been fortunate enough to meet and marry the love of my life. Recovery is a choice you can make and work towards.

I don’t see myself as a victim of my ex-partner anymore. He was a serial perpetrator who did finally meet with justice and in a way in which I could have never imagined. In fact, during everything I’d been through, when I learned of his fate I said, You can’t make this sh*t up! Hence, the name of this book. I will share what happened to my ex, and ultimately reveal the shocking truth about who he was because the truth is stranger than fiction.

Learn From My Journey

I’m here to say that there can be a happy ending and a new beginning after leaving a traumatic relationship. That is why I have written this book, as I believe that life is for living, not just surviving. And if I can turn my life around, so can you. In fact, my deepest wish is that you can gain some benefit from my story as well as become better informed on the signs of domestic violence and abusive relationships. As a result of my experiences, I have some hard-won knowledge and valuable information to share. Therefore, this book will help the following:

•Those of you considering diving into, or currently using online dating, I hope my story can serve as a cautionary tale so you can be forewarned and forearmed whilst you venture into the uncharted world of online dating. Perhaps by reading what happened to me you may avoid some of the major mistakes I made and recognise the red flags before you get yourself too deeply involved.

•To you, who either may suspect or know that you are already in the clutches of an abusive relationship, I trust this book will offer you a lifeline to build your resolve to leave and navigate your way out. I want to reassure you that another life awaits you; a better life and one in which you can live in peace, safety and away from harm.

•If you have already left your abuser and have escaped the toxic relationship, this book is a practical guide filled with information and ideas on how you can chart your recovery. You can free yourself from the guilt, rebuild your life, and regain your trust and faith in humanity. It is possible to live your life to the full once more. I want you to know that you are not alone and help as well as resources are available if you know where to look.

•For those who have a family member, friend or workmate in an abusive relationship, I will share some of the hidden warning signs of domestic violence. The truth is that your support and advice can and will help the person caught in this situation. In fact, your actions might just save a life.

•Finally, for those of you facing life’s challenges, my story is one of hope, recovery, and rediscovering joy. So, I trust it may inspire you to move forward with your healing journey, wherever you may be and no matter what you may be facing.

Now, let’s get into my story as I am sure by now you are wondering how it all started.

Live to Tell

"A man can tell a thousand lies

I’ve learned my lesson well

Hope I live to tell the secret I have

learned

’til then, it will burn inside of me

The truth is never far behind

You kept it hidden well

If I live to tell the secret I knew then

Will I ever have the chance again?"⁴

Madonna

CHAPTER 2

Why Not Give Online Dating a Go, You Might Meet Someone Nice?

A Difficult Time

The year 2006 was one which initially beckoned me with great promise and adventure. Yet I will always remember it as a time of both intense joy as well as deep sadness.

The joy stemmed from the fact that 2006 marked the beginning of my posting to Indonesia as an Australian Youth Ambassador for Development in Jakarta. Headed by Mr Alexander Downer, Australia’s Minister for Foreign Affairs, the posting was the first of its kind for some time, due to the previously tense political relationship between Australia and Indonesia. It turned out that I and one other person were the first Australians to be posted to the country after the downfall of the Suharto regime. I was in my element because I loved my work in International Relations and the opportunity to make a difference at the grassroots community level in this developing nation was an exciting one. It was a great privilege and honour to be able to serve in this way.

My position was with the Department of Education where I worked to design an educational curriculum for Indonesian schools. At the time, Indonesian teachers weren’t provided with any resources from the Education Department because they had no funding. Instead, the teacher would use their own money to buy resources for their students. Our team was able to source a Non-Government Organisation (NGO) in Denpasar, Bali, which was partly funded by the Australian Government and we received English programs that were delivered to provincial Indonesian schools. I was in heaven.

Ultimately, my team and I developed an English Education Program which was delivered to Indonesian students throughout the region. As part of this process, I was invited to present a lecture on Human Rights at two Universities. This was quite challenging because this was a topic which the Indonesian Government deemed to be highly sensitive. Yet, I felt that I was making a difference and helping others who would benefit from the work we were doing.

On the personal front, 2006 was also the year Mum was diagnosed with Motor Neuron’s Disease (MND); a terminal neurodegenerative disease that impacts the nerve cells responsible for muscle control throughout the body. Over time, the disease causes muscles to waste away and people with MND lose the ability to move, speak and, finally, breathe. Basically, this diagnosis was a death sentence.

We had known that something wasn’t quite right with Mum’s health but were devastated when we received the news of her condition. I was already working in Indonesia when Mum called to tell me. I was distraught and wanted to come home to be with her. It was difficult being so far away. I felt lost and helpless. Yet, when Mum and I spoke about whether I should head home to Australia, she wholeheartedly encouraged me to stay in Indonesia. She knew that I was working in my dream job and thought there was no point in me flying back and missing the opportunity of a lifetime. After much thought, I chose to stay but promised Mum that I would be home for Christmas.

I threw myself into my work to ease the pain and counted down the weeks until Christmas. Somehow, the love and passion I held for my job served as a distraction from the inevitable dread I felt at the thought of losing Mum. I found that immersing myself in development work provided me with a depth of character and a rare insight into the culture, language, food, arts, and religion of different countries. It gave me an understanding of acceptance and non-judgement of cultures and people. Perhaps, most importantly, through my experience with the diverse range of people I encountered, I came to believe that all people were inherently good and generally well-intentioned. I thought that only a very small handful of people were intrinsically bad and of ill intent. Little did I know that I would one day fall in love with and become engaged to a person who was just that: dangerous, manipulative and full of ill intent.

Returning from Indonesia for Christmas of 2006 was a challenge. Mum’s condition had rapidly deteriorated so we knew that this would be her last. Yet, I couldn’t wait to get home to Adelaide to be with my family. I spent as much time with Mum as possible but could see my vibrant mother literally wasting away before my eyes. It was heartbreaking to see how this cruel, incurable disease progressed, taking mobility, movement, and life force away from its victims. When it was finally time for me to fly back overseas, Mum cried, and my niece wrapped her arms around my legs and wouldn’t let me go. Tears of pain and sadness flowed among us all, but I had to be strong as I knew Mum would want me to be. It was the only way I could get through the grief.

As the Motor Neurone Disease (MND) took its course through Mum’s body in the early part of 2007, she lost her ability to speak. I knew it was time for me to go home