Marriage Today: Understanding the Principles of Building the Everlasting Relationship

By Jean Tshibangu

By this book, the author answers to common questions that arouse in regard with marriage. By lack of knowledge, people are living bitterer marriage so they conclude they are not made to live together. The author sends a single message: let no man separate what God has joined. Marriage is a divine institution which reflects Gods love. The devil in its macabre fury injects germs and venoms of destruction which make bitter the couples life. The author draws their attention to the principles that sustain the everlasting relationship.
Marriage is full of delight, but the devil in its unmarried state undermines it showing only side of hardship, strife, in order to discourage those who are called to be in this state. By reading this book, many will be blessed and empowered to live a godly life in their marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jan 23, 2015
• ISBN: 9781496997784

Jean Tshibangu

Jean TSHIBANGU is senior Pastor and founder of the CAREMS Ministries based in the United Kingdom of England. He holds some qualifications such as Master in psychology applied, Management Studies from the University of Leicester and a diploma in Biblical and theological studies. He is author of several books among the best sellers. He is married with big family.

Book preview

MARRIAGE

TODAY

UNDERSTANDING THE PRINCIPLES OF BUILDING THE EVERLASTING RELATIONSHIP

JEAN TSHIBANGU

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AuthorHouse™ UK

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Bloomington, IN 47403 USA

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© 2014 JEAN TSHIBANGU. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   11/27/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4969-9777-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4969-9778-4 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

All the Bible references are taken from the New International Version and King James Version.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

CONTENTS

Preface

Prologue

Chapter 1: Marriage At The Beginning

Chapter 2: Marriage Today

The Hardness Of The Heart

The Domination Of Women By Men

The Submission

Love

Everyone Must Seek To Please Other

Chapter 3: Types Of Marriage

Marriage As A Contract

The Duration Is Limited

Sharing Of Roles / Teamwork.

Interests Are Highlighted

The Unspoken - Implied Or Implicitly Known

Marriage As Covenant (Alliance)

God’s Covenant With Humanity.

The Covenant (Alliance) Between Human Beings.

Give Oneself Is Paying The Price For Other.

Purify

Sanctify:

Autocratic, Authoritarian, Paternalistic

The Marriage According To The Jews

The Marriage According To The Greeks

Marriage According To The Romans

Chapter 4: Marriage -Alliance Its Characteristics

Characteristics Of An Alliance

Chapter 5: Danger To Marriage Today

Internal Attacks

External Attacks

Same Sex Marriage

The Cohabitation

Cohabitation Is Unstable, Informal, Inadequate And Personal.

Polygamy

Divorce

A) Divorce For Indecency

B) Remarriage

Reconstituted Families

Forced Marriage

Feminism

Parents

Forced Celibacy

The Political, Social And Religious System

Bad Company

The Signs Of Infection Among Couples.

Chapter 6: Types Of Women

The Wise Woman

She Is Helpful And Hospitable

Foolish Woman

She Is Tempting And Seductive

Chapter 7: For A Happy Marriage

Choice Of True Foundation

Choice Of Spouse

Choice In The Old Testament

Choice Of Spouse Or The Spouse In The New Testament

The Status Of Women

Betrothal/Engagement

Precautions In Moral Order

Performance Of The Signs For Confirmation

Medical Precautions

Blessing Of The Parents

The Dowry

Nuptial Blessing.

Civil Marriage

Early Married Life

Leave, Cleave And Become One Flesh

The Responsibilities Of Man And Woman

Being A Man Of Character:

Chapter 8: Restoration Of Marriage

Rebuilding On A Solid Foundation.

Restoring Communication

The Accuser

The Observer

The Contemptuous Or The Proud

Relying On The Word Of God

Principles For Effective Listening.

Barriers To Communication

Overcoming Barriers To Communication.

Sexual Satisfaction.

Mutual Submission.

The Use Of The Language Of Love.

Chapter 9: Conflict Resolution

Methods Of Conflict Resolution

The Need For A Solution

Research Of Possible Solutions

Make The Appropriate Decision

Applying The Solution

Reassessment Of The Effectiveness Of The Decision.

Conclusion

Bibliography

I warmly dedicate this book to my lovely wife, my darling and the mother of lovely children with whom I live in common life for over thirty decades, without forgetting

All our children, our sons in-law and our daughters’ in-law our grandsons

All our sons engendered in the Lord …the many prayerful members and supporters of CAREMS MINISTRIES.

All special persons who had influenced my life by their support, their help in any aspect of my life, for their advices both technically and spiritually.

God created them male and female, et […] therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. Let no man separate what God had joint.

PREFACE

M arriage is commonly defined as a sacred and ordered union made possible by God between a man and a woman. Indeed, when two persons of opposite sex decide to live together, and carry out the required formalities, they become one flesh before God and before men for the rest of their lives. This union represents, in fact, the image of the mysterious relationship between Christ and His Church. This is why the author of the book of Hebrews urges that marriage be honored by all, and the conjugal bed free from all defilements, because God will judge adulterers and fornicators (Hebrews 13:4).

I am very proud of writing the preface of this book that I find very interesting and useful for those who need advice in the area of marriage.

In this book, the author emphasizes the factors that erode the 'marriage' institution today in one hand, and that can contribute to marriage consolidation in other hand. He traces the origins of marriage in the Bible such as established by God, with a net precision and supporting references. He presents God as the only one who can found the stable and lasting marriage according to what He wants it to be.

Also inspired by many of his own experiences as well as those of others in this area of marriage, and without compromise, Jean, deals sincerely with full conviction the principles that sustain the everlasting marriage and offers godly advice to all those who seek to take advantage of a happy marriage.

"Knowing the principles of everlasting relationship is not only a glimpse of the dangers threatening the marriage as an institution, but it also offers output channels, the right path that take us back to the ideal marriage as advocated by the Creator in contrast to the track or the conception of man. What therefore God hath joined together let not man put asunder (Mark 10:9).

For those who are married and live in bitterness, the author gives them the ingredients that can help change the taste of their marriage.

Let us put clearly what Dr. Myles says

Many marriages end up in divorce because they started off with the wrong ingredients. They have a bright and appealing picture in their mind of what marriage will be like, and jump right into it without considering whether or not they have the right ingredients or have made the proper preparation. They fill their heads with pictures of beautiful wedding gowns, a nice car, limousine, a romantic little house with a picket fence in front and angelic children. Then with little or no thought to preparation, they enter into wedlock and expect the picture-perfect marriage of their dreams to come about automatically. When it does not happen, disillusionment sets in, and divorce often follows shortly after.

Read this book and I really ensure you, it will change your marriage for a happy one.

PROLOGUE

T wo types of human relations are of vital importance in the eyes of the creator:

• Firstly, the relationship of man with God through the Church: this relationship is very important because it connects man to the Creator who is the giver of life.

• Secondly, the relationship of marriage is regarded as the most intimate of all human relations due to the nature of the partners in the presence, the husband and the wife; all created by God, such as cell reproduction in His own image. God the Creator gives it a significant place in the rank of his creatures, comparing it with the relationship which binds him with his Church (Isaiah 54; 2 Corinthians 11:2); and everything begins with this relationship which then affects other relationships.

Indeed, each person dreams one day to found his family, living with a partner of the opposite sex with whom he will share the rest of his life. This new life begins through an institution established by the creator, and which is called marriage.

In common parlance, people say that this dress goes with these shoes; the implied idea is that both overlap and have harmony. Speaking of marriage as an institution of God, we have expectations that the partners who decide to live together live a harmonious life, i.e. in mutual agreement and understanding. They have resolved to hedge or complement as soon as their decision is communicated to the responsible bodies for endorsing it, family, Church, or Governments.

This new life always begins in pink and full of excitement, each partner hopes to see it lasting until death. And nobody is expecting ending someday this life.

Against all odds, it happens that the partners who had yet begun this life with charm are beginning to realize that things are not as they thought, they are disgusted each other, than finally they find an outcome of output; the separation or divorce. This second decision cancels the first while creating instability in the lives of these misfortunes. This lack of stability creates disharmony that alienates man from his Creator.

People used to say that the origin of a thing determines its destination; -whereas what lives the couple determines what will be the family; what lives the family determines what happens in the city; what is happening in the city determines what happens in the country; what is happening in the country determines what an entire civilization becomes. This is much more obvious when a man or woman chooses the partner from a bad source; he (she) will become a thorn that will sting until the day they will find the way out; and return at the place he (she) has been found This choice requires affective and spiritual involvement of each of the partners in that this can lead to the creation of a brand of stimulus which could strengthen the ties between the partners in the presence. -knowing the commitment of everyone in this process is an irrevocable decision. This leads to more prudence and wisdom as far as the partners are concern. And we understand that it comes to be able to resort to those who do not look to the appearance, but who can explore even the depths of hidden things. In nutshell, the quality of our married life has significant influence in the rest of areas of our life.

What we say to the married couple also applies to the Church, which is also the second institution of God. Its stability also depends on the stability of its members. At the level of the society, its development is linked to the way in which its members cooperate and unite in the realization of the objectives defined by the rulers. The stability of the society will thus depend on the manner in which individuals maintain and maintain their relations.

The importance of marriage in the creation explains its position in the book of Genesis and its dominance throughout the other books of the Bible. God having concluded that it was not good for man to be alone, He completed him by creating women, both in His own image and likeness. The enemy on its side and its virulent and destructive anger makes all its effort to thwart the will of the Creator in creating all kinds of misunderstandings in marriage to weaken it; and without divine intervention, this leads inexorably to separation or divorce.

According to studies conducted in the United States of America, for example, the family problems were the primary source of frustration and disappointment in life. Thus do we understand why the marriage and the Church are fiercely attacked by the devil. Practices such as sexual immorality: homosexuality, lesbianism, cohabitation, polygamy, polyandry, prostitution, separation, divorce, adultery are some vivid examples of these attacks, which, unfortunately, are loosely tolerated as social facts standardized on behalf of the principles of the freedom of opinion, expression and equality which have heavily affected the legacy of traditional societies.

David B. Curtis made a statement in his preaching of March 3, 2006:

In the United States today, most marriages end in divorce. He said in essence: there is a difference between the contemporary American vision of marriage and divorce and the vision of God on marriage and divorce.

The contemporary American vision of marriage is opposed to the vision of God. The African vision, Asian vision, the European vision, all these visions contain each something that differentiate them from the other, while the vision of the Creator remains the same, regardless of the Continent. The history of destruction of the Tower of Babel seems to have influenced these differences.

It is clear that the diversity of cultures has a big impact as it affects the diversity of visions on marriage which, as such, greatly affects this institution with all kinds of deviations. Divorce, separation, and all other fashion phenomena that dominate the lives nowadays, are the result of the misapplication of the thought of God, and the negative influence of evil crops on some societies, Today, in this commercial world in which materialism commands everything, it needs just a little trick that a man and woman seek divorce even for the smallest things that could be amicably solved.

A society where marriage is lived in harmony, and according to the will or the thought of God, will be much more likely to flourish and grow effectively in that everyone will feel concerned in the search of stability and harmony.

It is true that of all the time marriage had to face the same challenges in all generations to varying degrees, although it still overcame.-However when we look at the extent it takes today, it becomes imperative that we can launch the sound of Bell to the governing institutions supposed to ensure the community values, which unfortunately, embark in as accomplices in the promulgation of suicidal laws for human societies. To say, the world is in a frantic phase of the rebellion to God's law,-uprooting one at a Christian and human values.

By blindly or knowingly approving laws that go against God's commandments, Governments are cutting the tree on which they sit; forgetting that any authority comes from God. As Christians, we understand that this is the fulfillment of the prophetic message which tells us that the coming of the antichrist will be preceded by the development of laws that are against God's laws.

The Bible says that unless the Lord builds the house, he who builds builds in vain (Psalm 127.1). It's the answer to marital life. Entrust and replace your home to God and you will have a successful marriage. Indeed, the nature teaches us that to effectively use the product, it is recommended that you follow the manufacturer's instructions; -to properly keep or repair our vehicle, we must follow the manufacturer's instructions. This is also the case in marriage. Marriage being a creation of God should normally follow the instructions of its creator, along with a product which use complies with the manufacturer's instructions. A parallel to the vision of God vision will lead to divorce, separation.

The facts and statistics in our possession are alarming on the decline and the disintegration of the family; the couple having negative part. Indeed, by creating man and woman, the divine intention was that the family is the basic unit of society. The probability of marriage to divorce is more debatable.

In the approach that we have imprinted in this book, we hold up more the position of the God and His Son on marriage and underline the principles that can strengthen the institution of marriage today. This gives to this book its purely Christian character.

In fact, a child who is born and grows in the Lord has the potential to become a pious father, or a devout mother. He is the father of the man or the woman. Though a tree starts producing its front leaves the fruit, the child grows up in an environment that gives shape to his being, his personality of the future father or the expectant mother. He undergoes positive and negative influences of his family as well as the society around him, - and later, his workplace. Its environment eventually defines what he will become in the future.

When the young man becomes an adult, he faces a new life that involves new roles and obligations which liberates him from the state of dependency to independence. This new life through the first test, among other things, the choice of the partner. However, God has a purpose for each one of us well before our birth. God predestined us before the foundation of the world: our social lives, our work and spiritual life are rooted in past eternity. God already knows those who are destined for marriage and those who have to live in celibacy (Ephesians 1:1-3; Romans 8:28-30; Matthew 19: 3-12).

My experience during my thirty years of marriage, the ups and downs of the life of marriage - everything that we met in our counseling Ministry as well as the writings of others on marriage are the source of inspiration from which we derive the substance of our work.

Writing to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul told them:

And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction (1 Corinthians 7:3.5).

This is also our objective; bring God's creatures to set time on the clock. When we read the passage such this:

Who can find a virtuous woman? She has more value than pearls (Proverbs 31),

this takes me to a deep review of marriage to respond to many issues that arise in this regard.

The depravity of moral, political instability, economic and financial crises may find their source within the environment where marriage plays a crucial role. As the basic cell of society, the role of marriage in the deterioration or the consolidation of society cannot be underestimated. A society in which marriage is lived in harmony, and according to the will or the thought of God, will be much more likely to flourish and grow effectively because everyone will feel concerned in the search of stability and harmony. In this stability, the diversity of cultures has a non-negligible place. The diversity of cultures introduces the diversity of visions on marriage which, as such, greatly affects this institution with all kinds of deviations. Divorce, separation, and all other fashion phenomena that dominate the lives of our days, are the result of the misapplication of the thought of God, and also the negative influence of evil crops on some societies.

God says to Jeremiah:

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations (Jeremiah 1:5).

For human beings, the choice assumes knowledge of ideal criteria that define what is sought, but what God presents to man is related to His own sovereignty. Currently, the general impression that occurs is that people marry without any hope of living happy and lasting marriages because of lack of knowledge of the principles that sustains the stable marriage. As a consequence, we live divorces in cascade.

Considering what the Bible says: who seeks finds, we understand that the issue is to seek and find. Search involves something that is not present or is not visible. But if we seek God so; He can gives us what we search.

John Stott says:

What constitutes marriage before God is not the legal document, nor the blessing of neither the Church, nor the pompous reception, neither the rain of gifts, but the reciprocity of vows of faithfulness to life culminating in a sexual union.

Indeed, it takes much patience and God's instructions in this regard to avoid falling into the hands of the Devil by making the wrong choice. Some justify moral deviations by unfortunate situations they have experienced in their lives; while others have claimed that by cohabiting with different partners, they encounter plenty of chances to find one who is ideal. However, such an approach often leads to promiscuity and even to a life of debauchery. That is the true evidence of lack of knowledge on the divine principles that sustain the stable marriage. No, think again, the best choice is accomplished when we turn to God who is the Architect and the Builder of the marriage. His choice for us is not our choice for ourselves. This requires a certain course of conduct which involves the Creator; the spiritual path that will produce the best spiritual results.

We know from Matthew 7:7-8:

‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened

The Bible does not say that one who marries receives the grace of the Lord, but on the contrary, he who finds a wise wife. This leads us to understand that any marriage is not the grace of God, but only where man is firmly committed to find the wise woman.

The occurrence of the verb 'find' demonstrates that the decision of the marriage is not as simple as some take it. We used to say that the origin of something determines its destination; which leads to more caution and wisdom in the operation of choice. And we understand that it is question of divine approach to a lasting relationship. A man or a woman chosen from a bad source such as a tavern will become a thorn in the side which will eventually return to the place where he /she had been found in the first place, unless he / she is delivered spiritually by the grace of God.

Generally people think that marriage was ordained for all, it is not exclusive to the redeemed only, but it is part of the common grace; that is not wrong, but the truth is only those who are truly in Christ can live a happy marriage; I say truly because those who are in Christ have Christ’s life and are able to life godly life. In reality, God created a woman to be a helper of His own sons, those who obey His Word.

We have this recommendation in Ecclesiastes 9:9:

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun – all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labour under the sun.

God gave to His children wives so they can enjoy with, not living in enmity, in hatred, neither in bitterness, because marriage comes from God; as it is said blessing from the Lord enriches and is accompanied by no grief.

We note that happy marriage is not for everyone, even if some think that everyone can get married. I do not contradict myself, but there are those who are called to a life of celibacy. This statement is found in Matthew 19:3-12, which gives us three types of people who are admitted to the celibacy:

(1) Those who have no inclination for marriage (eunuchs in the belly of their mother).

(2) Those who cannot marry (eunuchs by men).

(3) Those who have the gift of celibacy and used by God (eunuchs for the Kingdom), the case of Jeremiah who was on the recommendation of the Lord (Jeremiah16:2):

You must not marry and have sons or daughters in this place.

In the book of 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, although apostle Paul establishes the general principle that declares that marriage is the pattern for Christians, —he nevertheless suggested that celibacy as a gift of God is good. In this message, Apostle Paul speaks to four groups of believers:

1. Those who were married at the time;

2. Those who are married unfairly;

3. Those who are unjustly not married and who want to stay married.

4. Those who are married and who wanted to separate.

In the first case, he gave an option, and in all three others, he gave orders. Everyone is found in one of the categories.

In regard to celibacy, the apostle Paul presents three groups:

a) Unmarried: comes from the Greek agamos, formed of two words: 'a' which means deprived of, and 'gamos', which means marriage.

It seems that after the departure of Paul from Corinth, some teachings had emerged which stressed that marriage was morally reprehensible than celibacy. According to these teachings, the ideal status for a Christian was celibacy. This design is still maintained in the Catholic Church where the priest must be single although in practice some live married or cohabit or practice all kinds of sexual orientation in secret.

b) The Virgin: The word virgin comes from the Greek word Parthenos which refers to a person who has never been married or who has never had sexual intercourse. Reading Revelation 14:4, we see it applied so much for girls than for boys.

c) The widow: as for the word widower, it