Empty: A Couple’S Study of Marriage

By Mike and Kim Marquez

At the wedding altar, all of us envision our marriages as lifelong journeys with our ultimate companions. However, between work and kids we struggle to maintain a relationship that does not leave us feeling empty.

Lonely, isolated, hurt, and added pressure to meet daily obligations, our marriage relationship too often suffers. After a while, we find ourselves living in two different worlds. We wonder if we can ever experience the one flesh relationship that the Bible talks about.

God desires us to enter into an intimate and deep relationship with Him like that between a husband and a wife. His design of marriage is awesome, and He created marriage to reflect His love, unity, and desire for us to be restored.

But what do we change? What should our marriages look like? How do we refocus our hearts and attitudes toward each other?

Journey with us as we re-examine what God intended for marriage and pursue a path to renewal. Find healing along the way as you also examine your relationship with God and as you learn to love as husband and wife. Draw nearer to Him as a couple. Go from feeling empty to experiencing the fullness of life that God desires for us.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 4, 2013
• ISBN: 9781490816890

Mike

The author has spent a lifetime in and around boats from sailboats to tow boats and tells the adventuresome and many times laughable stories played out on the water. After changing careers from a aircraft pilot to a business owner he later serves 2 terms in the Tennessee General Assembly and five years as Director of the Tennessee OSHA program only to take an early retirement to return to his true love of boating. Along the way he acquires a USCG rating of Master Captain and makes plans for the Great Loop.

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Copyright © 2015 Mike & Kim Marquez.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-1688-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-1689-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013921438

WestBow Press rev. date: 02/03/2015

Contents

Preface

How to Use This Book

Introduction

1.   Pursuit of Love

2.   Separation

3.   What God Has Done for Us

4.   Our Response

5.   Love Restored

6.   Our Calling

7.   Marital Roles

8.   Christ and the Church: A Model for Marriage

9.   Marital Roles: Husbands

10.   Marital Roles: Wives

11.   Obstacles to a Strong Marriage

12.   Path to Healing

13.   Ways Husbands Can Uniquely Love Their Wives

14.   Ways Wives Can Uniquely Love Their Husbands

15.   Fruit

16.   Last Words

Preface

This book was written in response to our wrestling with questions regarding marriage. What are the essential truths of marriage? What is God’s intent, and what should it look like today? Our way of life has changed dramatically from just a few generations ago, and our marriages are facing challenges never before experienced. Looking back, our society has changed so much just in the last fifty years. Was there a particular period in biblical times that portrayed the ideal marriage that should be practiced in today’s modern world?

Couples today are struggling to experience strong marriages like never before. Until 150 years ago, most families lived together in tight groups on subsistence farms. Income was dependent on what the family could produce together. This lifestyle provided couples with a common purpose, interdependence, and reliance on each other for their welfare. On a farm, time spent building a life together was a part of the daily routine.

In contrast, the modern family depends on both husband and wife holding jobs outside the home to provide for the family’s needs. Back then, spending time together was necessary for survival. In our modern postindustrial age, togetherness has become an inconvenient scheduling challenge. What can we do now to strengthen our marriages? Should we turn back the clock and apply a practice from the past?

Even if you look to the past for answers, you will not find a specific time or culture that provides an example of the perfect marriage relationship. There was never a time when marriages were without fault. In fact, history is filled with terrible practices that justified the abuse of women. Many women were forced into servitude through marriage based upon the false belief that they were created for this purpose. Our entertainment culture often portrays a distorted view by romanticizing marriage traditions and roles from past time periods.

For instance, if you look at images of marriage portrayed during early American history, or even the 1940s and 1950s, you find a very cartoonish view with little depth and substance. These marriages were not based on love but on a striving to conform to the ideal social norm. Mr. and Mrs. Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie and Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days are some examples of television couples that people wanted to emulate. If you examine their beliefs closely, you will find them filled with false ideas that should not be repeated today, not to mention the impracticality of applying their lifestyle to our current culture.

Every generation has had its own misconceptions, with ideas based more upon the cultural interpretation of marriage than a solid understanding of what God’s intent is. The present is no different from the past. We all fall into the temptation of wanting our lives to look like everyone else’s, instead of looking to God, the Creator of marriage, for the true vision for the marriage relationship. Rather than looking for a picture of what we think marriage should look like, why not consider exploring God’s intent for marriage and then applying it to your unique marriage situation?

Our pursuit of marriage should be analogous to a doctor creating a healthy diet for people living in a remote village. Having a fundamental understanding of human nutritional needs, the doctor can then apply this knowledge to create a diet using the indigenous foods available that are unique to that village. Similarly, we need to examine the basic principles and design for marriage. Once these basic truths are understood, they can be applied to any marriage regardless of the circumstances, culture, or stage in life.

However, in order to understand the bare essence of what marriage is and how it applies to everyone, everywhere, we need to strip away our personal, cultural, and historical biases.

Every couple is different. Each marriage is a combination of two families’ cultures and personal experiences that are unique to that couple. Only when we invest time, learning how to love each other either as a husband or a wife, can we experience marriage as God intended. The specific actions toward one another will manifest themselves naturally after we first focus on aligning our own relationship to God’s plan for us. We should avoid comparing ourselves to other marriages, or look for an ideal couple to copy.

This book provides an opportunity for you and your spouse to really dig deep and reexamine your marriage and life together. It is our hope that you will experience a rebirth and renewal of your love for each other and for the Lord who ordained you to become One Flesh (Matthew 19:4–6). As you experience a return to your first love, we pray that your hearts will be filled to overflowing and you can fill each other’s cup instead of finding yours constantly empty and dry.

Of course, everyone has biases, which are heavily influenced by family culture and personal experiences, including the authors. We pray this study will bring to light what is the true and pure nature of marriage. However, for this pursuit to be of any benefit, both spouses must be convinced of two important truths.

First, that marriage was created by God. Second, that He has revealed the purpose of marriage. In other words, it is not a mystery.

The authors of this book hold a firm conviction that God created us to know Him and that He wants to be known. We believe God revealed Himself throughout history and desires a personal relationship through the sacrificial offering of His Son, Jesus Christ. This book was written with a firm belief that the Bible is the sole authority to which we examine our understanding of who we are, who God is, and what our purpose is.

Without these convictions, our view is limited by our own biases created by circumstances and personal experiences unique to ourselves. There are seven billion people in this world, and just as many opinions on marriage. It is our intention to use the Scriptures to remove our own image of what marriage should look like and to reveal God’s true vision and design of the most intimate of human relationships.

The book Song of Solomon is an illustration of the beautiful expressions of passionate love between a groom and his bride. We used verses from the Song of Solomon to enhance each chapter heading and encourage every couple to explore the passion between a groom and his bride contained in this biblical text.

How to Use This Book

True marriage is not a one size fits all proposition, and no two marriages look the same. Every marriage has its own unique history, personality, and challenges. God has called each couple to be joined together in an exclusive and close lifelong relationship: marriage. It is His desire that we understand and know our spouses inner struggles. As their spouse, we are God’s reminder of His love for them. Therefore, trust that God will provide the insight into your spouse. Be willing to reexamine your life, and ask God how to love each other as God has called you to (as either a husband or a wife). No third party can take this role. Although counseling can help, you cannot depend on others to fix the relationship.

This book was written to be used as an intimate, chapter-by-chapter personal journey through your marriage for each couple to take together. Use it as an opportunity to confess past failures and receive forgiveness. You are encouraged to find a place free of distractions where you both feel safe to be open and vulnerable. Once comfortable, discuss how the principles laid out apply to your relationship. Sentences written in bold are intended to foster conversations.

However, with this being said, God’s desire is for us to love one another. This requires that each spouse reads this book to see what changes he or she needs to make in their own lives before examining their spouse. Do not use these principles to accuse or condemn each other but to chart a new course for your own personal growth.

When convicted, we need to accept responsibility for our own actions and be ready to confess our mistakes. Whether this book is read by each spouse or only