If Only I Knew Before I Said "I Do": Important Factors You Should Know if You Are or Will Soon be Married to the "LOVE" of Your Life

By Shawn Turner

STOP! If your marriage is drowning or you are about to jump into the river of marriage that will take you downstream to the ocean of high and low tides, STOP! Read this map that will navigate you through the rough currents of marriage to keep you afloat through the inevitable tidal waves design

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Aug 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887383583

Shawn Turner

Shawn Turner is the founding senior pastor of Faith-Hope & Love Christian Church located in Mableton, Georgia. He has been ordained and ministering the Word of God since the mid- nineties. He officiates marriages and gives premarital/marital counseling as part of his ministerial calling. Shawn and his wife, Yolanda, have been married since 1996 and are blessed with three beautiful daughters. You can find out more about Pastor Shawn and the ministry at www.fhlccltd.com.

Book preview

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to my lovely wife, who has taken this journey of marriage and life with me for over thirty years. You have supported my every venture and been my Ride or Die from day one, and it’s because of you I can do what God has called me to do. Thank you.

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

The True Meaning of Marriage

The Hidden Enemy of Marriage

Love Is

Mercy Instead of Justice

Are You Compatible?

Family

The Three Most Important Things in a Marriage

Conclusion

About the Author

Notes

Preface

Before we get started, it’s very important to note that man did not create the union of marriage. Somewhere through history, confusion entered to make us think that man created marriage because of all the changes they implemented. We need to go all the way back to the beginning to discover the Creator of this beautiful institution called marriage.

Genesis 2:18 NKJV

(18) And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.

God created the union of marriage between a man and a woman. He looked down on a perfect, sinless man and saw something missing. He saw something that wasn’t good for this flawless individual He created. Therefore, He decided to make him a helper in the form of a woman that was sufficient and able to fulfill him and perfect His creational dynamic at the same time to make it very good. So, despite what may have been taught, man didn’t create marriage; God created marriage. God is the Originator or Manufacture of marriage. If you have a certain make and model car and something went wrong with it, it wouldn’t be wise to take it to another manufacture to fix it. They wouldn’t have the proper parts or instructions on how to fix your vehicle. The same is true when it comes to marriage. If your marriage is not working properly, which may happen from time to time, you need to go to the Manufacture or Creator of marriage, God, not mankind, for a tune-up to keep you on the road together forever. Since He created it, it’s His responsibility to make sure we have everything we need to operate in it; otherwise, He would be irresponsible, and we know that’s not true.

Marriage is under attack like never before. Divorce is at an all-time high. Abuse is on the rise, and adultery is the new norm. What’s going on? Think about it like this. Marriage is the most fundamental, basic building block in our society. We have been warned in Holy Scripture that the enemy of our souls comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. So, if his mission is to destroy the society or people that God created, the best way to achieve this mission is to steal, kill and destroy the foundation of society, which is marriage. Originally, we thought the enemy was after the church, but he’s really after marriages, which birth the families that make up the church. You see, families are the foundation of the church, and if the family breaks down, crumbles, and falls, the church will follow suit. I know that I am saying some pretty radical things, but please hang in there with me; I promise you it gets more radical and factual.

The family affects every area of our society. I am an athlete as well as a coach, and what I have found is if you want to stop your opponent’s offense, you must have a better defense to win. That’s why I believe God has ordained me to write this book, If Only I Knew Before I Said, "I Do," to open His playbook and equip marriages with the godly wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to defend and defeat our opponent’s vicious offensive attacks against marriage and family.

Introduction

Growing up in a two-parent home for eighteen years before moving out for college, I saw and experienced a lot of things, but nothing prepared me for marriage. It was like a sacred secret that no one talked about. All I knew was that it was something you did when you reached adulthood. It was like one of those unspoken truths that everyone knew to just do as part of the American dream.

On the outside, everyone seemed happy, but behind closed doors, I later found that not to be true. Somewhere down the line, it was ingrained in our society that an unhappy, struggling marriage was something to be ashamed of. Therefore, people would hide the truth behind a mirage of deceptive emotions that displayed fictional happiness. In all actuality, if society was more honest and transparent about the challenges of marriage, we would all have the proper weapons to fight off the leading cause of this epidemic in our society called divorce.

For some reason, Christians think because they are believers, their marriages are exempt from problems. They believe that because they are saved, their marriages are automatically saved and safe from destruction. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s not the truth, hence the reason for this book. If we want to give ourselves the best possible chance to produce successful marriages, it’s our responsibility to take the instructions in the Word of God and apply them to our marriages. God’s Word has an answer to every problem we will face in life, including marriage.

Divorce is such a common stigma in our culture that you would think it’s included in the marriage vows as an escape clause to read, However, if my expectations are not met for any reason, I have the right to divorce; if the truth about my spouse is revealed, I have the right to abandon the marriage; if my spouse is not willing to allow me to change him/her, I have the right to say goodbye; if the thrill is gone, so am I.

Marriage is under attack! It is my humble opinion that our society and the fabric of the family are being destroyed simply because the people are not equipped with the proper knowledge of the truth provided by the Manufacture, God. The Bible, which is our road map to successful living, clearly teaches us that we are destroyed for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). What you don’t know can and will destroy you. If you don’t know what to do, you can’t do better.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with marriage, but there is something wrong with us as a people because we want to run it our own way, which doesn’t work. God gives us answers, and we are going to explore them in this book, If Only I Knew Before I Said, I Do. I have been commissioned by God, empowered by Jesus, and inspired by the Holy Spirit to write this much-needed, powerful, and informative book on what I wish I knew before I said, I do! I believe this book will be the antidote to unrealistic expectations that leads to hopelessness and, eventually, that dreadful disease called divorce. It is truly an instrument and agent to change, shape, and save what God has ordained and blessed from the very beginning—marriage.

Malachi 2:14 NKJV

(14) Yet you say, For what reason? Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.

Ephesians 5:31–32 NKJV

(31) FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

(32) This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Chapter One

The True Meaning of Marriage

What Is the True Meaning of Marriage?

The marriage relationship is supposed to reflect the Christ and church relationship. Jesus Christ died for the church and will do anything for the church to ensure it thrives. He will never leave it, nor will He forsake it because He loves the church. Through the ups and downs, Christ is committed to always being there for the church, and the church should do the same for Him. I knew marriage was serious, but I didn’t really know that it was quite this serious. Giving your life to another individual unto God is a very serious vow that comes with a lot of sacrifice, persecution, and commitment. This is something I wish I had known before I said, I do.

When I saw my wife over thirty years ago, I told my friend that I was going to marry her. Without knowing anything about calling those things that be not as though they were, I called our twenty-five-year-plus marriage into existence. I didn’t know her name or anything about her. All I knew was that she looked very good from where I was sitting. I didn’t know anything about marriage but what I saw at home and on television. No one ever talked to me about it, so I thought it was great, I thought it was easy, and I thought it was something everyone should experience. I expected it to be full of love, happiness, and joy like I had seen on television, but I was in for a rude awakening.

Like mine, people’s expectations of what marriage is and its purpose is totally wrong; as a result, marriages are in trouble all over the world simply because of misguided expectations.

Genesis 2:18 NKJV

(18) And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.

God knew from the very beginning that it was not good for man to be by himself. Therefore, when you look at men today, they seem lost when they are alone. A woman seems to be able to make it on her own better than a man. God knew exactly what man needed and not necessarily what he wanted because Adam never asked God for a wife. However, God is omniscient or all-knowing, which means He knows best, and He knew man needed a woman to be everything that He had created him to be and do. Therefore, He created man, a helper or, in some versions, a help meet or someone that is suitable and able to help him meet his needs to fulfill his purpose.

Proverbs 18:22 NKJV

(22) He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.

I am convinced that God wants us to have a good thing and live a life of favor. It says right here in His Word that it’s good that man finds a wife because he finds a good thing in marriage and obtains favor from the Lord to fulfill his purpose. So, if you are married or thinking about getting married, make the most of your marriage by standing on the promise of finding a good thing and obtaining favor from the Lord. No matter how things look right now, marriage is designed to be good and bring favor with God, favor with each other, favor with man, favor in business, and favor in life.

We serve a good God that’s omniscient or all-knowing and who puts everything in us that we need to fulfill our purpose and reach our destiny. Many of us are looking for something to complete us or make us better to move forward in greatness, but in all reality, God has already placed it in us. When He created man, He put what was needed inside of him, so in due season He could pull it out of him.

Genesis 1:27 NKJV

(27) So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

God created male and female in the beginning. However, before He created them in His image, He made sure He had created everything they needed to survive. God is Jehovah Jireh, God our Provider. He provides everything we need before we ever need it. He placed everything in man so that after He worked and prepared to ensure everything was right and ready for woman, He could just put man to sleep, reach in him, and pull woman out. Men, this is an image we should take into marriage, where we lay our lives down for women, just like Jesus laid His life down for the church.

God knew man was going to need a woman from the very beginning to achieve what He needed him to achieve. Therefore, in the very beginning, He created the institution of marriage, a holy covenant commitment, promise, or agreement between a man and a woman before Almighty God. He even goes as far as to tell us the purpose He created it for, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18, NKJV). Gentlemen, we should thank God for woman because He knew exactly what we needed to be all that we could be.

Pay very close attention to what He said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him. He didn’t say man needed a woman to make him happy or bring joy into his life or fulfill his wildest sexual dreams. I wish I knew this before I said, I do." This is one of the biggest problems with marriages today. Most people look to marriage for the wrong things. They look to marriage to make them happy and have fulfillment and companionship, but that’s not in Scripture, and that’s not the true purpose of marriage. Now, I am not saying you can’t obtain these things from marriage because you can if you do it correctly. All I am saying is that this is not the true purpose or meaning of marriage, so don’t go into it with the wrong expectations.

Marriage was created by God for Adam, a sinless and pure man with no loneliness, depression, or sexual desires. Adam was good and complete and didn’t necessarily want marriage, but God knew he needed it to fulfill his purpose. So, stop going out there picking the wrong person to fulfill your own personal purpose of the wrong things to only get disappointed, let down, and discouraged. Some people get married to fill a void of loneliness, companionship, sexual cravings, and more. They see it in the Bible and think marriage is all about fulfilling these things. Again, I am not saying you can’t have these things, but you shouldn’t go into it looking for them because if they are there and disappear, there will be problems or if they never appear, there will be even more problems. I wish I knew before I said, I do, that these were byproducts of a godly marital relationship.

Genesis 1:28 NKJV

(28) Then God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.

Being fruitful and multiplying or procreating, having sex, making love, or getting your groove on is not the main purpose of marriage. Many people would like to think it is, but it’s not. It is a byproduct of marriage when done correctly, but it’s not the main purpose. We serve a God that does everything decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40). So, to discover the main purpose of marriage, it’s important to look at what He said and put in place before He told them to be fruitful and multiply, found in Genesis 1:28.

Genesis