The Journey to "I Do": A Biblical Approach to Marriage

By Kofi Bonsi

The Journey to I Do discusses biblical themes that will help you develop your relationship and prepare for marriage. Learn truths from the Bible that correct general misconceptions about relationships, and discover Gods original design and purpose for marriage. Also learn the importance of defining your relationship and how to set specific targets, as we discuss the stages of growth in a relationship.

You will be equipped to identify a suitable life partner and learn how to approach him or her appropriately. Finally, you will receive principles from the Bible that will help you build your marriage on a solid foundation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 11, 2016
• ISBN: 9781512747195

Kofi Bonsi

Kofi Bonsi has been involved in young adult ministry since 2008, leading Bible studies and lessons in one-on-one, small group and corporate settings. His burning desire is to see the truth of the word of God take pre-eminence in the Church and in every aspect of the daily lives of Christians. His involvement with young adults has offered him the opportunity to observe the struggles of many young people seeking a relationship that leads towards marriage, and the costly errors many make along the way. In this book, he draws from the truth of the Bible, which he believes is the infallible word of God, to shed light on God’s prescribed approach to preparing for marriage.

Book preview

PART I

The Issue

CHAPTER 1

It’s Broken! A Foundational Issue

The Bible tells us that God created marriage to serve as a practical demonstration of His love for us shared between a man and a woman. However, although God created marriage and it was perfect, a simple lie sent man into this quagmire of sin and doomed humanity forever. As a result, the very perfect institution of marriage was put in jeopardy. The scripture reads:

Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the 

LORD

 God had made. And he said to the woman, Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’? And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ Then the serpent said to the woman, You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." (Genesis 3:1–5)

As the story continues, the woman ate of the fruit and the man also did, based on the lie of the serpent, otherwise known as the devil. Just like in this passage of scripture, the devil continues to deceive humans, with his main purpose being to cause humans to sin against God and perpetuate condemnation.

I believe one of the biggest problems in our society is that we have allowed deception to creep into our homes, schools, and even churches. Jesus warned us to be careful that no one deceives us (Matthew 24:4). But we are ready to believe preposterous lies instead of simple truths. We allow what we observe from the media and fictional books to influence our thoughts and approach to relationships and marriage.

I have heard discouraging statements as people express their disappointments in marriage or committed relationships. They are usually speaking from bad experiences or negative stories they have heard from others. And rightly so, as there are quite a number of horror stories from people left with the pain and hurt of failed relationships. Because of these experiences, many young people, and even some older ones, carry hurts and heartaches from the past. These nightmares from former years prevent them from moving forward and experiencing a thriving relationship leading to a fulfilling marriage.

There may also be a number of young people who are eager to enter a relationship and are excited about the prospect of being married someday but have absolutely no idea how to get there. They may rush into a commitment or marriage without being adequately prepared. When they face crisis, they have no skill, no support, and no wisdom to handle the storms they encounter. They, therefore, end up heartbroken and wounded.

The lack of role models and examples of healthy marriages also seem to be a major deterrent for some young people, and as a result, they lack the encouragement and mentorship needed to pursue a healthy relationship.

What is your approach to marriage? How do you know what to do, and what your role is in your relationship? What kind of a relationship are you in, and where is it going? Are you just seeking something similar to what you saw in your favorite romantic story, or are you allowing God to guide you as you develop a relationship with someone special you’re considering for marriage?

What are the guiding principles in your search for your life’s partner? Are the qualities you seek based on God’s word? Are they selfish, or are they to fulfill God’s purpose for your life? It’s not enough to want a tall, handsome, and nicely built man who smells good. God wants to give you more than a woman with a pretty face and an amazing figure. The attributes of godly men and women are clearly defined in the Bible. God has given us this information to help us because He wants us to thrive in this area. Marriage is His idea, and your approach must be biblical.

God has a lot to say about this area of your life, and as you read through the chapters of this book, you will learn key principles from the word of God that will challenge the way you think about relationships. If you are interested in pursuing a godly relationship based on biblical principles, and in taking the time to prepare yourself for a fruitful and lifelong commitment of marriage, this book is a good place to start. You will find Bible verses and passages that will help you develop your understanding of marriage and encourage you to pursue God as you prepare for your relationship and marriage. You will also gain some insight into how to prepare yourself for marriage. If you are already married, I pray that you will receive the truth of the word of God into your heart, and it will bring revitalization and freshness into your marriage.

*     *     *

When our relationships are founded on emotions, fairy tales, or lust, it becomes easy for us to allow the devil’s lies and our personal hurts to determine our mind-set. We carry bruises and scars from relationships that we shouldn’t have gotten into in the first place. We add these negative experiences to the crazy stories we’ve heard about from other people’s experiences, and this creates a web of confusion in our minds, becoming a hindrance to future relationships.

Relationships are a part of life, and we have to get our relationships right to be able to live the way God intends. You can’t rely on stories you’ve heard and fantasies to guide you. You also can’t solely rely on your past experiences, because your past isn’t necessarily representative of God’s truth.

Remember that deceit doesn’t just show up in a cloud of smoke from nowhere. It is a deliberate ploy of the devil to blind humanity from the truth of God’s word. Jesus called the devil the father of lies (John 8:44). The devil orchestrates and designs all lies because he is a thief, a murderer, and a destroyer (John 10:10). Be watchful that he doesn’t steal the truth you have in your heart.

CHAPTER 2

Don’t Fall for the Lie: The Deception Issue

In the opening chapter, we discovered that deception is the main reason why relationships fail. In this chapter, we will discuss some impressions people have about relationships, which are actually based on very little truth. Some might come to these conclusions from their own experiences or what they hear from other people. Others might have seen something in a book or movie and immediately accept it as truth. Furthermore, some develop weird ideas, never taking the time to ponder or challenge how they feel about certain situations.

We will rely on some fictional anecdotes to help us portray the scenarios that explain the causes and effects of some of these lies and misconceptions.

Shifting Responsibility—My Failures Are Not My Fault

Mario and Fatu recently finalized their divorce proceedings. It has been a grueling process for the couple, since Fatu filed for divorce two and a half years ago. Friends, family, and church elders worked tirelessly to convince Fatu to reconsider her decision, but they did not succeed. Understanding the story may shed some light into the failure of this marriage.

Mario always had the desire to be a youth pastor. His upbeat personality, love for young people, and supposed love for the things of God made him stand out as one primed for this ministry. It was such a blessing to Mario and the entire church, when he got married to Fatu, a God-fearing woman with a heart of gold. Everyone who came in contact with this couple knew that they were earmarked for greatness in ministry.

Three years and two kids into their marriage, Fatu came home early from work, and as she entered their condo, she overheard Mario having an argument with someone on the phone. Initially she made nothing of it, thinking he had finally called the credit card company to rectify strange charges from a doctor’s office and unexplainable purchases from the pharmacy. But the rage in Mario’s voice made her a little curious, and as she drew closer to the room where Mario was, she heard what would change their lives forever.

It turns out Mario had been having an affair with a girl from the young adults group at church, who had become pregnant. The argument over the phone took place because Mario was outraged that the girl had refused to terminate the pregnancy this time around. See, this was not the first time in their affair she had become pregnant, but Mario had previously convinced her to get rid of the unborn child, which she did. Further investigations into the matter revealed that Mario had been involved with three other young ladies in different young adult groups in the city.

As a result, Fatu decided to end the marriage legally, and Mario has been hopping from one church to another and one relationship to another since then. He blames his ex-wife for working long shifts and not giving him enough attention, his parents for not raising him properly, his friends for not checking on him, and his pastors for not trying hard enough to save his marriage. He even blames God for not striking him dead when he first committed adultery.

Just like Mario, there are people who have squandered every opportunity to build healthy relationships in the past. They have been blessed with good partners but have abused the love and care they received, abused their former spouses, and as a result, have lost the opportunity to have godly relationships. After losing everything they have, probably through divorce, they live lonely and pathetic lives. Yet such people blame circumstances, their friends or parents, their former spouse or girlfriend, and sometimes even the church, for their predicaments. They believe the lie that they too deserve to have good, healthy relationships like everyone one else, forgetting that they abused their chance when they had it.

If you can relate to Mario’s experience and you have attitudes similar to his, please understand that shifting blame will not solve your problems. The more time you spend pointing fingers at other people for your own sin, misbehavior, and misjudgments, the worse your situation will become. The solution to your issues is for you to acknowledge your sin and repent. Don’t expect people to be empathetic to your struggles. Changing your story each time you tell it to a different audience in order to downplay your sin will only bring further condemnation on yourself.

Selling Yourself Short—The Devil You Know …

Amina and Kwame just got married. They seem to be happy together, and she truly believes she has found the right man. Though it’s obvious that there has been something amiss since they started dating, no one seemed to have been able to place a finger on it. Their engagement came as a surprise to everyone because Kwame didn’t seem like the right candidate. But because Amina was so overjoyed, her friends were reluctant to say anything.

Three months into their marriage, Amina is spotted in a grocery store with a black eye. After initial denial and much interrogation, she finally admits that Kwame hit her. She even confesses that it started before they got married! Amina claims that Kwame is very apologetic afterward and she believes that he does it only because he loves her so much. She also admits that after waiting for five years to find a man like Kwame, she’s better off with him than being single.

Anyone facing a situation similar to Amina’s needs to understand that it is dangerous to have this mind-set. If you are in a relationship with someone who abuses you, you must get out of it. There is no form of abuse that is tolerable or justifiable. Abuse isn’t love. It isn’t biblical, and neither is it legal. Abuse displeases God.

If you’re married, get counseling from your pastor immediately. Sitting around and doing nothing will not change