Dynamics of Communication and Sex: Improving your Relationship Series, #2

By James Olah

Susan remembers a time when she and Edward couldn't get enough of each other. They would talk for hours on end. Edward wouldn't want to leave when he dropped Susan off after a date, and they would just talk about everything. Now she asks, "Why doesn't Edward talk to me? We used to talk for hours when we were dating and I knew everything about him, but now I can't get him to open up with me and share any of his dreams and concerns and worst of all he doesn't seem to care what's going on in my life."

 

That is not the only thing that has changed in the relationship. Edward remembers the passion he and Susan used to have together when they were playful and couldn't keep their hands off each other. Now he asks, "Why doesn't Susan want to have sex with me very much? She used to be so full of passion, and now she is stoic when I make advances or touch her. She just makes a joke when I bring up us being together intimately." Have you contemplated anything like that about your relationship? Have you wondered where the spark went? Is there a possibility of reigniting it again? Where is that spark hidden now?

 

Even though there is much more to marriage than conversation and sex, these are important elements to a good marriage. So, what does communication and sex have in common? To understand this, one must understand what each of these accomplishes for both the man and woman. Join Edward and Susan as they explore both the wrong and right way they have been approaching communication and sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Olah
• Release date: Jan 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781516370214

James Olah

James Olah-Author James Olah has pastored for over 39 years. He started as a youth pastor in Lapeer, Michigan and then pastored in Port Huron, and Davison, Michigan. He developed an interest in family and relationship issues during his last pastorate. As a result he has studied and has written much on relationships. He has been an active writer on a relationship blog answering questions for both those who are dating, or are in relationships.He has helped many couples in premarital counseling over his years of ministry. James is now retired and lives in central Michigan where he continues to write.

Book preview

Dynamics Of

Communication and Sex

Preventing Relationship Breakdowns by

Understanding the other’s Deepest Need

Improving Your Relationship Series: # 2

James Olah

OLAH Books

Dynamics of

Communication and Sex

Preventing Relationship Breakdowns by

Understanding the other’s Deepest Need

Improving Your Relationship Series: # 2

James Olah

©2012

First Edition January 2012

Revisions: November 2013; January 2015,

September 24, 2019, May 18, 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews

The publisher is not responsible for websites, their content, or working condition of the link.

Websites offer resources for further study but are not intended in any way to be

or imply an endorsement, nor does the publisher vouch for their content.

This book is not intended to take the place of trained professional counselors.

ISBN: 9781097588190

Independently published

Please acknowledge all quotes.

Direct permission requests or comments to [e-mail]

Website addresses recommended throughout this book offer resources for further study. Websites are not intended to be or implied as an endorsement, nor does the publisher vouch for their content.

Scripture from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, by Biblica, Inc. ™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Quotes from the World English Bible (WEB). The World English Bible is in the Public Domain and is part of the Online Bible. (http://www.onlinebible.net/)

OLAH Books

Table of Contents

Dedication

Preface

Introductions are in order

Chapter One: Women and Communication

Chapter Two: Men and Sex

Chapter Three: Our Passion to Experience Fulfillment

Chapter Four: It’s in the Mind

Chapter Five: The Ultimate Goal: Value Each Other

Addendum 1: Cortisol and Oxytocin

Addendum 2: Abridged Book Version

Recommended Reading

About the Author

Other Books by James Olah

End Notes

Dedication

Iwant to thank some of the people who encouraged and helped me with this project.

When my friend Irv finished his degree to become a counselor, he gave me insight that I developed in chapter four on the brain. That was an area I did not consider when I first started developing the book.

My daughter Heather has always been a person I could bounce ideas off, and she would give me honest responses. Sometimes she would tell me when I was going too far, or off base when dealing with specific topics. She also encourages me when something is right-on as well.

Finally, I want to thank my wife, Nancy, for her ideas, thoughts, and evaluation of the book as she listened to me talk about my perspectives and ideas concerning this book. She offered valuable insights from a feminine perspective. Many thoughts I share in this book are insights I’ve learned in our relationship. These lessons were not easy for us to learn, just like it is hard for you to learn how to deal with your differences.

Just before I published this book, we discovered that my wife had cancer. I discovered from a new perspective that the teachings in this book concerning the importance of listening are not just invaluable, but also delightful. We were able to engage in conversation as we shared our concerns and faced the end of life issues. Our level of communication that we learned allowed us to be very open and forthright in expressing our love, anxieties, fears, and hope in a difficult time. We experienced real intimacy during that time that went well beyond our expectations. See My Story in chapter four for more details.

Preface

Every couple faces battles in their relationship, which stem from not understanding the essential need and motivation of the other. We often think that our spouse ought to follow our thought or get it after a while. But when they don’t, we imagine that they are out to get us or don’t care about us, or worse yet are offending us purposely. That is where disappointment starts, and our hurts begin. The battle-line is drawn, and the disagreements follow. Fights don’t usually happen instantly but are generally born out of a slow burn until unpleasant words become more frequent. If you are passive-aggressive, it will be more of a quiet struggle, but the hurt feelings are just as real, for they are now underground rather than out in the open to adequately address them. You will discover that hidden hurts hold us in bondage.

When a child is whiney at the end of a long day at Disney, you know it is because they are tired, for they expended their energy. They are on overload and don’t know how to handle their weariness. You can’t reason your child out of their irritable state. The only solution is to sleep. You can be patient with them because you understand their needs. We are willing to be patient with our children, but why are we so unwilling to respond to the needs of our spouse with the same kind of patient understanding? The purpose of this book is to help you understand your mates’ motivation. Understanding their motivation allows you to be more patient and to work with them more effectively.

Why does she have to talk, and give every detail of what went on in the day? Why does he come home and reveal nothing or very little of what went on in his day? Instead, he just wants to sit around and do nothing or go out and play sports or work in the garage. Do you know what motivates a woman to ask all those questions? Do you know her most profound need? Do you recognize the loneliness in her soul? Can you discern why he doesn’t think it is so important to connect with you by sharing the details of his day?

Why does he seem to have only one thing on his mind? How can we disagree, and then after we have sex, he thinks everything is all right and settled? Do you understand those deep needs of a man, and why he has such a strong sexual desire? He may not even understand why sex is so important to him, either. It is even more baffling to you.

The purpose of this book is to help you understand what motivates your mate, so you can better understand them, and therefore respond in appropriate ways. Also, this book may give insight as to why you are motivated to do what you do. With understanding comes the potential for change, as well as the enrichment of your relationship. Without choosing to understand, you will continue to do the same old thing, and be frustrated in your relationship because nothing will change. Will you choose continual frustration, or decide to pursue enrichment?

As you read this book, you will find yourself saying, my partner needs to read this because now I understand why I feel or act that way. I just haven’t been able to articulate the importance of my needs clearly. I want my spouse to understand me better. The more we understand our own needs and how they fulfill us when met, the easier it is to pursue understanding the needs of our mate and, therefore, to value them.

I have one last point concerning this issue of applying these teachings. This book deals with sensitive topics, and one of the tendencies is to see the problem the other person is having, without recognizing how you have been negligent toward their needs. May I offer some advice? Be open to evaluating your own life and identify how you may have failed to take your spouse’s needs seriously. Identify those areas you will work to change. You will also discover areas that you hold dear in your life and want the other to be more sensitive toward you. When you talk with your spouse, don’t be accusative, but talk kindly with them about possible solutions for your situation. If you use this book as a club to bash your spouse about what they’ve been neglecting or doing wrong, then they will get defensive. If you discuss the issues kindly and with honest concern, the conversation has the potential of going in the right direction.

The title I’ve chosen for this book is The Dynamics of Communication and Sex. The word Dynamic means "A change-producing force: the forces that tend to produce activity and change in any situation or sphere of existence." The content of this book can produce the direction you need to engage your energy for change .Focus on understanding the needs of both you and your spouse. Engage the dynamics of sex and communication in your relationship.

After one of my editing sessions in reworking this manuscript, I was taking a trip with my wife. I said, I wish we had a book like this available when we first got married, for it would have given us a better understanding of each other and helped us avoid a lot of our mistakes. I desire that this book can help you avoid common pitfalls and deepen your relationship. Enjoy the journey!

Introductions are in order

Most couples remember that time when they couldn’t get enough of each other. They would talk for hours on end. He didn’t want to leave when he dropped her off after their date, and they would talk about everything. Now she asks, Why doesn’t he talk to me about our life? We used to talk for hours when we were dating, and I knew everything about him, but now I can’t get him to open up with me and share any of his dreams and concerns. Worst of all, he doesn’t seem to care what’s going on in my life.

That is not the only thing that changed in the relationship. He remembers their passion when they were playful and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Now he asks, Why doesn’t she want to be playful and have sex with me very much? She used to be so full of passion, and now she is stoic when I make advances or touch her, and she makes a joke when I bring up being together intimately. Have you contemplated anything like that about your relationship? What happened to that old spark? Is there a possibility of reigniting it again? Why has it all but vanished from your relationship?

Even though there is more to marriage than communication and sex, these are essential elements of such a union. So, what do communication and sex have in common? To understand this, one must understand what each of these accomplishes for the other.

When it comes to sex, some say that women are like crock-pots, and men are like microwave ovens. Men are ready to engage at a moment’s notice. Women need wooing. Meaningful communication and having her emotional needs met is foreplay for the woman. Many sex therapists say that, for women, foreplay is everything that happens in the twenty-four hours preceding sex. For her, it starts in her mind; she needs him to cherish her. Studies found that women think about sex about every other day. Men, however, think about sex every hour. All it takes for men to get ready is visual stimulation, a particular thought or touch, and not always very much of it, and he is ready to engage in sex. The differences are apparent and often joked about in conversations. However, the seriousness of communication and sex is no joking matter.

So, what is it that communication and sex have in common? You might think it is complicated psychology, but as you consider your relationship, it becomes quite apparent. The answer is, they both accomplish the same kind of fulfillment in the inner being of both men and women. Does that have your curiosity piqued? I hope so because both must understand what each act accomplishes for the other.

Let me introduce Edward and Susan

AS I WAS WRITING THIS book, I found that it was confusing at times to talk about the man and woman, he or she; him and her. Sometimes it seemed difficult for me to write about a complicated situation. If I got confused, then it stands to reason it would be difficult for you to follow as well. So I invited a couple to join us to help keep the storyline clear. I’m seeking to make the him and her, or he and she personal, making it easier to follow. Edward James will take the male role, and Susan Beth will assume the female character in this book. I named Ed after both his grandfathers. Sue’s mother named her after her best friend and favorite aunt. Ed came from a very relational family. Sue came from a single-parent home where her grandfather provided the needed male role model for her in the absence of a father. Sue never saw how male/female marriage interaction worked in her family setting.

They met in college at a basketball game during their junior year, and she caught his eye, and before they knew it, they were dating regularly. Right after college, they both got good jobs, and six months later, they got married. During the three years of their marriage, they experienced the typical ups and downs of newly married couples. As they are getting to understand each other, they are working to define the role of each, and how they should act and interact. Both are committed to making their marriage work and get help through reading and discussion. Neither is afraid to express their mind when they don’t agree. They have been together long enough to know that there is a lot more to learn about understanding their relationship, as well as what drives them in it.

So that you know, when I asked Ed to come in on this project, I assigned him the role of representing men in general. Sue agreed to represent woman-kind. Bringing them into the book helped make the book clearer, and perhaps a little more personal.

When talking about communication and sex, few hard and fast rules apply to every person. Take what applies to you and your situation, and decide to make your relationship better by learning how to fulfill the needs you both have. Enter this adventure of discovery with the enthusiasm of one who desires to learn. For some, it will be an awkward and uncomfortable journey, but the destination is well worth the cost and investment of your efforts. Let’s begin this incredible journey.

Chapter One: Women and Communication

Most women enjoy talking . I heard a story of a teen girl who was on a missionary trip. They traveled all day, and it was late into the night when they got on a bus for the final leg of their journey. This girl was talking nonstop to her seatmate. Finally, the seatmate fell asleep. When the talking girl noticed her friend was sleeping, she turned to look out the window, and upon seeing her reflection continued talking. Why is the need that strong for some women to speak so much? Even though most women are not like that girl, it doesn’t diminish the woman’s compelling need to engage in meaningful conversation as a regular and needful part of their life.

Sue is about developing their relationship. She wants to cultivate and nurture her connection with Ed. This is Sue’s motivation behind her need to talk. Communication is about passing on information that builds a relationship, so one is understood and feels a part of the other’s life. Sue talks with Ed to establish a connection with Ed through learning what is going on in his mind. She wants to understand what happened in his day. Communication is the bridge that allows them to come together to build their bond and, thus, alleviate the fear of isolation. That is why, when Ed comes home, Sue wants to share the experiences of her day. She wants him to care and learn what she experienced that day when she gives him the details of what happened. It is in this way that Sue seeks for Ed to connect with her. She will share not only what happened but also express her opinions, observations, and feelings, both negative and positive, about what happened. Sue will then turn to Ed and want to find