Dating by Design: Improving your Relationship Series, #5

By James Olah

You would think that having been previously married it would be easier getting remarried. After all you know what you want and what you don’t want in the next spouse. Once you find the one you think is an excellent candidate, do you have a plan for developing that new relationship?

Dating by design is a continuation of my book The Meeting Room which talks about online dating. Now how do you go about the process of developing a relationship that will make for a solid marriage?

This process is not as easy as it seems. You can get to know a person so well in the first four months that you think you are ready for marriage. However, you have only begun. What do you need to move that relationship to a point of not just knowing them but becoming best friends?

Remarriage still calls for establishing terms of your relationship. Do you really know what love is, and how to work out disagreements? Because sex was so much a part of the previous marriage, what part does it play in your courting time? How can sex short circuit the building of your relationship? How do you make your new relationship unique in your interests and how you live life?

Dating by Design is a book to help you recognize some of the issues you need to address in your dating relationship and go at it in an intentional manner.

Follow Mike and Lisa as they go through their courtship and talk about their issues and concerns. Looking over their shoulders will make it a little easier to identify concerns to consider for courtship

• Language: English
• Publisher: Olah Books
• Release date: Dec 14, 2015
• ISBN: 9781519991409

James Olah

James Olah-Author James Olah has pastored for over 39 years. He started as a youth pastor in Lapeer, Michigan and then pastored in Port Huron, and Davison, Michigan. He developed an interest in family and relationship issues during his last pastorate. As a result he has studied and has written much on relationships. He has been an active writer on a relationship blog answering questions for both those who are dating, or are in relationships.He has helped many couples in premarital counseling over his years of ministry. James is now retired and lives in central Michigan where he continues to write.

Book preview

Introduction

This is a companion book to The Meeting Room, which deals with helping people enter the online dating world. It is both a scary and an exciting adventure to anticipate meeting the person who could end up being The Right Person. Your thought pattern must then change from finding the right person to developing a meaningful relationship with them. Early impressions do not give you a full understanding of that person, nor have you established parameters of a working relationship with which you both agree.

Have you thought of the process you will use to move from getting to know that special person to preparing for a lifelong commitment? Do you have a plan that will help you develop your relationship into something strong that will be foundational for an enduring marriage?

If you listen to Hollywood you would think that all a marriage needs is to have two good looking people who have chemistry for each other, and are good in the sack. To them this constitutes a good marriage. However; Hollywood isn’t known for its realism for a successful life.

A good relationship doesn’t just happen, nor is it accomplished between the sheets. A foundation upon which to build a relationship must be recognized and designed by both parties as you talk about your needs, as well as your commitment to each other. For that to happen, you need to communicate your values, morals, desires and dreams, and to develop common interests. Such commitment doesn’t happen without purposeful design.

Many people date without a plan of how they are going to use their time together to prepare for marriage. Yes, by dating they get to know each other, but do they use their dating to intentionally work on issues that will make their marriage strong? What kind of issues do they need to address?

In this book, I deal with a couple who decide to make their courting time purposeful. They want to use their dating time, not just to get to know each other, but to prepare them for a lasting relationship in marriage.

We will follow Mike and Lisa as they talk about their relationship and observe the pathway they marked out. Their desire was not to wander through a blind maze of chance to get them to the marriage altar, but to talk about, and to intentionally put into practice activities that will help them understand each other. Their goal is to establish a lifestyle in which they can mutually meet each other’s needs and learn how to love and respect one another.

Most people have no plan for the development of their relationship because the focus of their dating goes no deeper than seeking to get to know each other. Few couples seek to develop the foundational qualities of a strong relationship during their courting time and learn to understand the other’s needs and how to treat them in an appropriate manner. Purposeful dating seeks to learn how to deal with issues that could become problems in their relationship before getting married. When a couple talks about how they want to deal with their relationship before marriage, they are better equipped to stay on course through the storms and disagreements of life.

As I write this book, I am going through this phase of a relationship. I’m sharing with you some of the process I am using to make my dating intentional. Even though this book is designed to help people who have already been married, it also offers good guidance to those who are not yet married.

I noticed that being older and having experienced marriage brings about different kinds of expectations. A problem those previously married have had is that they often move into deeper feelings before they have actually established a solid relationship with the new person. We seek to become comfortable again so we can return to a routine like we had in our previous marriage. We want to integrate the old relationship into the new, without finding out who we are in the new relationship. Therefore; it is important in the dating experience that the couple discovers new interests that will be unique to their relationship. Depending on your age, you may have to intentionally get involved in new friendships and activities to establish mutual experiences that draw you together. Those who married when younger had all kinds of new experiences, that first house, new job, children and vacations to draw them together. Dating, with the purpose of marriage when you are older, calls for involvement in activities that will help accomplish that melding of