Dear Therapist: How Do I Talk to My Boyfriend About His Ex?

Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

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Dear Therapist,

I’m in a new long-distance relationship with a man I was with in our early 20s (we are now 38 and 40). I plan to move out of state to be with him in a few months. Things have gotten very intense very quickly—something we have both been aware of and are okay with.

However, he has an ex whom he broke up with about a year and a half ago. Their breakup was tumultuous. When she came up in conversation about a month ago, I asked, “If things had gone differently that night, do you think you’d still be together?” He answered with a pretty confident-sounding “Yes.” Just “yes.” He also described her as having been a “mother figure” to his 10-year-old son, and described her children as being