Single Joys: How-to Articles, Personal Essays and other Things I Wish I Knew in my Early-20s

By Aria Zimin

Introducing "Single Joys: How-to Articles, Personal Essays, and other Things I Wish I Knew in my Early-20s" — your go-to guide for acquiring the skills and embracing the joys of being happily single.

 

Are you ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment as a single individual? Look no further than "Single Joys." Written in a conversational first-person style, this book is like having a trusted companion by your side, sharing their personal experiences and offering valuable insights gained from a long period of singlehood.

 

Let's take a sneak peek into the main sections of this book, where we cover a wide range of topics to help you thrive and find fulfillment as a single person:

 

• "What's the Deal With Being Single?": Explore reasons for choosing the single lifestyle and navigate its challenges.
• "So . . . How Do I Date Exactly?": Step out of your comfort zone, meet new people, and embrace the exciting process of dating.
• "Home Sweet Home! (and I'm already overwhelmed)": Optimize your living space and manage a small household effectively with valuable information and ideas.
• "Recipes for the Single Person": Mouthwatering recipes tailored for one and cooking tips for healthy, budget-friendly meals.
• "Staying Healthy in a Sick World": Practical tips for navigating physical and mental health challenges when alone.
• "All Work and (minimal) Pay": Essential information on managing finances, saving money, and building a secure financial future.
• "Tips For When You're Going Solo": Embrace solitude, find joy in your own company, and pursue passions on your own terms.
• "Love and Philosophy": Gain a fresh perspective on love, relationships, and self-growth through personal stories and experiences.

 

Here's what some readers say about "Single Joys!"

 

"One of the book's standout qualities is its focus on the holistic well-being of single individuals."

 

"This book is a true gem, not just talking about dating and love (though that is a big chunk of the book), but also being healthy, financially smart, knowing how to live by yourself, etc. The author also writing in a very relatable way, and it's a joy to read the book. 100% recommended!"

 

"As someone who was single through much of my 20's, I found this book to be super relatable. A lot of what the author wishes she knew is exactly what I would tell my younger self if I could."

 

So, if you're ready to embrace the beauty of singlehood and acquire the skills to lead a fulfilling life, "Single Joys" is the perfect companion for you. Let's embark on this transformative journey together and discover the true joys of being happily single.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aria Zimin
• Release date: Aug 17, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223174820

Book preview

Disclaimer

This is the part of the book where I tell you I’m not a therapist. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m not a relationship consultant. I’m not a doctor. And I’m sure as hell not happily married with several little children running around a garden encased with a picket fence.

What I am is someone who’s been single for a long time.

In my years of singleness, I have googled:

Why am I single?

Why do people stay single?

Which celebrities are still single?

What do men want in a woman?

I have gone on blind dates, one-night stands, and multiple dates with people I didn’t care about, hoping I’d feel the way I was supposed to in time.

I’ve wondered what was wrong with me, cried because my feelings weren’t reciprocated, and gone into depression episodes after having my heart broken. High and low, I’ve searched for answers to be happy when evidence proved I was unlovable. The advice I’ve received over the years has been uplifting, insulting, or downright useless.

When I’ve been rejected, I’ve felt elated — or gone off the deep end. There have been ebbs and tides where I have felt immense contentment and joy in being single, followed by episodes of sorrow and self-hatred intermingled with loneliness.

In short, I have some experiences that you, dear reader, might find helpful.

But I have to tell you about all the things I’m not so you can sift through this book, find the advice you might find useful, and separate it from the advice that isn’t.

Before doing anything inspired or recommended by this book, do the following:

1)  Be aware of the laws, rules, and regulations in your region, workplace, or organization. Laws are different worldwide, and rules change depending on who you’re interacting with and where. It’s your responsibility to ensure you know the laws in your region.

2)  Do not follow any advice contrary to doctors, psychiatrists, or other medical professionals. I am not any of these things, just someone who has had personal run-ins with mental and physical health problems.

3)  Look at your personal situation in life, and make decisions carefully. Any advice you follow is at your discretion, and you are responsible for any positive, neutral, or negative effects. Again, I am speaking from personal experience — but you are not me. Therefore, the advice might work gloriously for you! Or it might not.

4)  The advice here is not comprehensive by any means. When in doubt, seek further information from reliable sources.

5)  Always practice stranger danger and online safety! Part of being single, dating, and making new friends is getting out and meeting new people. There is always an element of danger here. Make sure you meet new people in busy public places. Someone you trust should always know your whereabouts. If meeting people online, ensure you don’t give out personal information or send private photos. There is more advice to stay safe when you’re out and about, so ensure you educate yourself and take care!

Further, I need to make a note about generalizations. In writing this, I speak about different demographics (single people, people in relationships, etc.). I have made an earnest effort to write in ways that address the diversity of human experiences. However, there are always exceptions, individual experiences that are not addressed, and people may have even had experiences opposite to mine.

This is a wide world with many different walks of life.

My walk of life is as a white woman growing up in Canada in the 1990s and early-2000s. I lived abroad for years, living independently in an apartment. I struggled with mental health and struggled with disability. Much of my advice comes from personal experience, speaking with friends, and reading various articles and books on topics that interest me.

I write from my walk of life.

Finally, single life and relationships tend to be linked with mental health. If you feel symptoms such as low self-worth, hopelessness about the future, thoughts about death, or other unhealthy feelings, you should contact a mental health professional.

If you’re unsure of where to start with a mental health journey, I would recommend checking out this website:

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

This is the World Health Organization’s website for depression, a common mental disorder. It can serve as a springboard to resources in your country to get therapy, contact helplines, or find words to describe unpleasant or self-destructive thoughts.

Throughout this book, remember to take care and be kind to yourself. I don’t know you personally, but I sincerely hope some of the thoughts and ideas may help you live your best single life — after all, being single can be pretty damn awesome when you learn to do it right.

Introduction

This book started as my attempt to answer one simple question: What the fuck is wrong with me?

See, I’ve been single most of my life. For as long as I can remember, I would desperately want a relationship one second and then want to be single the next. In my early-20s, I couldn’t help but feel broken because I didn’t seem to feel how I was supposed to. Aren’t people supposed to couple up? How on Earth do other people get into relationships so easily? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t do that?

What was wrong with me that I didn’t really want to do that?

And then, of course, I started to tie my relationship status to my self-esteem.

If I’m single, then there must be something wrong with me. I must be broken in some way.

Then, something miraculous happened in my late-20s. I started to love being single. I started to figure out who I was and what I was about, and I started to feel . . . happy. And I wanted to know — what was wrong with the younger me? That younger version of myself wasted so much time and so many years because she couldn’t just be happy right where she was.

I wanted to deconstruct my experiences: the emotional experiences, the physical experiences, and how the world around me affected my perception of self and relationships.

Most importantly, I wanted to write things that I wish my younger self knew — or, at the very least, believed at the time when she was most miserable. This goal became a project I worked on for years.

One iteration of this was a blog named The Future is Single. The blog featured several essays that I felt applied to single living. There were more obvious topics, such as how to enjoy dating and the effects of dating/marriage culture on self-esteem.

There were also posts based on the notion that single people must do many things independently, requiring a certain degree of skill. For example, articles about managing mental and physical health, tips and tricks for housework and career advice. There were also recipes and cooking advice because, let’s be honest, single-serving cooking can be a pain in the butt! Oh, and who can deny the importance of stories based on personal experience? I wrote those because if you’re experiencing something similar, hopefully, you’ll know you’re not alone — and maybe, you can learn from some of my mistakes.

That blog turned into this book, with several additional essays. There’s simply a lot I have to say about being single, and I’ve done my best to put these different ideas into a cohesive book that you, hopefully, will enjoy reading — and, of course, give you some ideas if you struggle with the single life.

Now, let me make one thing clear before we start: I didn’t write this so you could run off and get married within a year.

This isn’t a how-to book to find a relationship through self-acceptance.

It’s not a cure for singleness.

Don’t get me wrong, if you find your happily ever after (whatever that means to you), I’ll be happy for you.

Regardless, the purpose of this book isn’t to help you get a ring on your finger.

The purpose is to help you be happy right where you are: single. Even dating advice is tempered toward enjoying the journey, not getting to the destination — and, more importantly, providing actionable advice to do that.

Because, let’s be honest: if being happy while single was as simple as reading quotes, we would all be doing it.

But many single people aren’t, right?

Let me tell you a little secret: being single is pretty awesome.

After trying to answer the question, what the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve come to a simple conclusion. This is the thread that I hope you take with you throughout this book.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Answer: I was miserable in my younger years because I hadn’t learned how to be single.

Learning to do things on your own and be self-sufficient is a skill. Being alone with your own thoughts is a skill. Enjoying your own company and building a life for yourself is a skill.

If you’re not happy while being single, then the solution is remarkably simple: you just have to learn how.

It’s not a lack of a partner making you unhappy, it’s a lack of skill to find those single joys.

The Ten Commandments of Being Single

Singleness, relationships, and love are complicated matters. Let’s strike through this complication with ten fundamental rules for being happily single.

These are simple commandments with short explanations and what I consider the basis for being single. Each of these points will be expounded on in future chapters.

ONE: YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, WIRED WRONG, OR INCAPABLE OF RECEIVING LOVE

Maybe you want a romantic relationship. Perhaps you don’t. 

Regardless, there may be a voice at the back of your head wondering . . . why doesn’t anyone love me? We want to be desired and loved in life, friendship, or family. If we aren’t, we might start to think there’s something wrong with us.

In my travels, I have not met anyone who, at one point or another, didn’t think they were broken, stupid, ugly, unlovable, terrible or any other negative adjective that makes one unlovable. 

At some point, logic dictates that there are two options: first, the entire world must be unlovable. Or there’s the second more likely explanation: everyone has insecurities.

Our insecurities tell us we’re unlovable, but that can’t be true.

If everyone who thought they were unlovable were truly unloveable, then everyone would be unlovable. And that’s just not true now, is it?

TWO: YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR EMOTIONS, BUT TO BE HAPPILY SINGLE, YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO INTERROGATE THEM

All emotions regarding singleness are valid. Happiness, sadness, emptiness, longing, joy, and even confusion: all are valid, and finding acceptance of feelings for being what they are is the key to happiness.

That said, you owe it to yourself to interrogate why you feel a certain way. The emotions you experience while alone say a lot about you. To understand yourself, you should ask why singleness makes you happy. Or sad. Or indifferent. 

None are wrong ways to feel, but all speak to you, your desires, and what your life path might be. 

THREE: YOU MAY NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, SO BEING MISERABLE WHILE SINGLE ISN’T AN OPTION

You may hold out hope for a relationship. It may even be your life’s goal. 

But here’s the thing: you may never get into a relationship. Some people never do. Some people find romantic love much later in life. 

In this instance, misery over being single isn’t an option. Your life before finding a relationship can’t be on hold. Your life can’t begin when you meet the one, or you’ll waste most of your life.

Find a way to be happy and fulfilled while single.

FOUR: A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT BETTER THAN BEING SINGLE OR VICE VERSA

We often treat romantic relationships as the goal. It’s almost like . . . you get an ascension once you couple yourself to another person. But ask any person in a relationship, and they’ll tell you to savour single freedom. A healthy relationship is work. It takes effort.

For every challenge being single has, being in a relationship has another challenge to match it. Objectively, one is equal to the other. 

You don’t ascend when you find the one.

You simply change.

FIVE: LOVE TAKES MANY FORMS, INCLUDING MANY DIFFERENT ROMANTIC FORMS

Love is a broad concept. It takes many forms, and you