The Woman In Your Life

By Steve Vinay Gunther

This is a book for any man who is struggling to understand the woman in his life. . . some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time.

 

An entertaining, no-nonsense guide, it is full of relationship-saving advice, delivered with warmth, as well as the occasional wake-up punch. When it comes to daily life with a partner, this book will give many men that "Aha!" moment.

 

Written by Steve Vinay Gunther, a psychotherapist and international trainer, The Woman In Your Life strides fearlessly into that dreaded arena—"the relationship." With engaging humor and an experienced eye, he dissects spookily familiar encounters from everyday life (in the bedroom, the kitchen, the lounge room, then back again to the bedroom) to help men succeed in the challenging engagement of life with their partner.

 

This book helps men understand how to live with this perplexing other species—and delivers life-changing skills in a memorable way.

 

Gunther says, 'Typically, in relationships, men do not take problems seriously enough until it's too late. This book is about seeing where the difficulties are for both of you, and then realising how to improve things. It's also about being proactive, and preventing some of the problems from developing in the first place.'

 

This book is a synthesis of his professional knowledge, 40 years of clinical experience, and his personal journey through two marriages and five children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lifeworks
• Release date: Feb 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201521585

Steve Vinay Gunther

Steve Vinay Gunther is an international Gestalt trainer, teaching in Asia (Japan, China & Korea), Mexico, the USA and South Africxax. He founded the Northern Rivers Gestalt Institute, a four year post graduate training program in Lismore, Australia, and was actively involved in the development of Gestalt Therapy in Australia for two decades. He works as a therapist in the fields of Gestalt, Family therapy, and Career Coaching. He has been running Family Constellation workshops in Australia, the USA and Japan since 2000, and has applied the work to Aboriginal groups. Steve has been involved with men’s work since the 1980’s; he wrote his book of advice to men after the failure of his first marriage, hoping to save other men unecessary pain. The book became a bestseller in Mexico, and has seen several editions around the world including in China. Steve writes in a down to earth way, drawing on his own experience which includes raising 5 children. He has practiced and studied meditation, spirituality and psychotherapy over a 50 year period, and has brought these topics together in a integrative meta model. He served as professor of Spiritual Psychology Ryokan College, Los Angeles. With his wife, Sutara Ling, he has pioneered an arena of relational psychology termed The Unvirtues. He is currently enrolled in a doctoral program in Social Ecology, researching the topic of the interpersonal psychology of power. He has a long standing interest in the interface of psychology, spirituality and social transformation. His first thesis was on the topic of psychotherapy and social change.

Book preview

Part 1

About communication

1 Oral sex: saying how you feel

2 Anger: red and hot

3 Cry me a river

4 Aural sex: the art of listening

5 The blessing of criticism

6 Liberating questions

7 Mind reading: projection

8 Fighting

9 Negotiation

CHAPTER ONE

Oral sex: saying how you feel

Become skilled at saying ‘I feel …’.

For many men the language of feelings is foreign. Yet, that’s what women generally want to hear about. The good news is that talking about you and your feelings is one of the biggest turn-ons for a woman; it’s a new way of thinking about oral sex. But there are lots of other good reasons to learn this skill: less stress, more support, greater respect, quality relationships

How to express feelings

There are actually three main skills you need to learn to express yourself clearly:

1 Recognise what you are feeling. For most men this takes hours, even days. Still, better late than never! You may have to explain to your partner that it takes you time, but that you are trying to develop your feeling recognition skills. This is one thing women generally find very hard to understand. In fact, by the time you’re finally clear about what you were feeling at a particular time (‘I was thinking about what happened when we were out visiting three days ago. I realise that I felt hurt when you talked about the size of my penis at the dinner party’), it’s likely that she will have completely forgotten the incident.

2 Get personal. You may think that you speak the same language as your partner – no-one ever tells us guys that we need to learn another language to be able to communicate with women, but we do.

It’s called ‘personal language’ and it involves expressing what you feel. This means that sentences start with the word ‘I’, not the word ‘You’, as in ‘I am feeling frustrated’ not ‘You are frustrating me’. The second statement contains a description of what you are feeling, but it’s almost guaranteed that your partner won’t hear that. She will hear only the ‘you’ and feel blamed. The best reason for not blaming is that you don’t enjoy being blamed yourself – so set an example of how you want to be treated.

The good news is that it’s actually safer to keep communication purely personal. The advantage is that you are always on solid ground when you say ‘I feel’, because you are the only one who knows what you feel. It cannot be reasonably disputed. If, for some reason, your partner does try to tell you that you are not really feeling what you say you are, don’t argue. Her disbelief is her problem. You know what is true for you. Stand by your truth, and withdraw from the conversation if she is unwilling to respect that.

Telling stories (‘Let me tell you what happened on the way to the …’) and expressing your feelings are not necessarily the same thing. You may consider yourself a great storyteller. You may talk about yourself quite a lot, relaying what you have just done. For instance, ‘I was on my way to the bus and this guy comes up to me and tries to sell me a Rolex! When I tell him I am not interested, he gets nasty. You should have seen his face! It was like I offended him or something. I tried to get away from him, but he just kept pestering me. Talk about rude!’ This can be entertaining, but it is not the same as personal language. There is nothing wrong with telling an interesting story or telling your partner about what happened at work at the end of the day. But it is not personal language either.

Personal language includes who you are inside what happens. For instance: ‘After all this happened I felt quite angry. It reminded me of my father always trying to talk me into things. I actually have quite a reactive spot when people try to convince me of something. I react when you do it. I like to make up my own mind.’

3 Let go. The third skill is to be able to make your personal feeling statement without the control factor. The control factor is the hidden end bit. Take the statement, ‘I feel really let down when you say you are going to do something and you don’t follow through.’ That’s good so far, but watch out for the control sting, the unspoken rider: ‘and I expect you to get it right next time’. What is the matter with this expectation? There are two issues:

The expectation is unstated, which muddies the clarity of your communication. You are saying one thing, and implying another. Your partner will hear your feeling statement, and she will also ‘hear’ the demand. This doesn’t bode well for having your feelings heard; you will get a negative reaction instead.

Just because you feel something it doesn’t mean that your partner has to do anything differently. Feelings are not automatic decrees. If you need to go on a trip, she has a right to feel sad, but that doesn’t automatically mean you shouldn’t go. If you want her to accompany you to a party and she doesn’t want to go, it’s important to express your desire and frustration; but just because you feel a certain way, it doesn’t mean that she has to do what you want so that you will feel better.

The point is this: feelings need to stand on their own, so drop the implied ‘and therefore you have to …’.

Why express your feelings?

Have you ever said (or thought), ‘There she goes with her irrational feelings’. Actually, you are right. Feelings are irrational, yours included! More accurately, they are non-rational; they simply represent truth in another dimension.

One aspect of that other dimension is vulnerability. Society, parents and mates often suggest that men should hold it together, and that being vulnerable is being soft and unmanly. Anger in a man is seen as okay because it doesn’t show his vulnerability. The fact that men experience a whole range of other feelings highlights just how unrealistic these social conventions are. Still, it is hard to admit or show a ‘weakness’ such as sadness or fear. In some circles a man would be laughed at if he admitted to those sorts of feelings. Part of that ridicule comes from other men’s discomfort with their own feelings.

But we are talking about being in a relationship with a woman. Women want to see and hear about their partner’s feelings. They also want their man to be strong and solid. Two opposite demands. Don’t try to work this one out rationally. Do what is possible – develop your skills in talking about your feelings.

When you meet a friend on the street and they ask you how you are, what do you reply? I would probably say, ‘I’m fine’, because I’m not particularly inclined at that point to say: ‘Well, I am a bit stressed about the finances, and I’m having some hassles with the students, and my daughter is pretty moody at present, but on the other hand, enrolments are pretty good and I’m putting in a new room.’ It’s just easier to say, ‘I’m okay.’

However, when my partner asks how I am, sometimes I reply in the same way mainly because I don’t feel like going into detail at that moment. The problem comes when this kind of response becomes a habit. ‘I’m fine’ is not actually expressing a feeling. It’s shorthand for saying, ‘I’m managing the complexities of life sufficiently not to be completely drowned by them.’ This is not the same as sharing one’s feelings.

Women, fortunately, are not generally satisfied with this kind of glib reassurance and will press for something more. Be glad when they do. It’s a challenge to take a few moments and notice how you really feel. An in-depth reply will enhance your partner’s respect for you, and bring you both closer. You might also get some emotional or practical support as a result.

A strange, illogical characteristic of feelings is that they are complex. You can have several at once. You can be angry and sad and shaky all at the same time. You can love and hate at the same time. You may feel strange telling your partner that you have two contradictory emotions, but the likelihood is that she will actually understand.

So speak out about what you feel without needing to put it all in one box. Maybe you are wildly delighted and completely scared when you lose your job. No matter how contradictory feelings may appear, they have a right to coexist: ‘I am really happy that you got your promotion, I am angry that you waited a week before telling me, and I am feeling tense that this may mean we will have to move.’

Identifying what you’re feeling is a skill you can develop, so practise tuning into your body sensations several times a day. We are not looking for anything fancy: just learn to recognise variations (e.g. when you feel hot/cold, tense/relaxed, energised/lethargic).

Use clear language

You are not talking about your feelings when you begin a sentence with the words, ‘I feel that …’ or ‘I feel like …’. Why? To understand this requires the ability to spot the difference between feelings and thoughts, one of the skills essential for successful relationships.

Feelings are based in the body and are pretty basic: sad, angry, happy, fearful, excited, tense, sexy. Thoughts are more abstract and represent your opinions. Your partner can argue with your opinions, but no-one can tell you that you don’t feel what you know you do feel.

Here are some examples to show you how to increase the accuracy of your words and ensure that you are actually sharing feelings rather than thoughts:

‘I feel that this situation is not going to work.’ If you look at what comes after the first three words you will find a thought, an idea. The accurate statement might be: ‘I think that this situation is not going to work, and I feel annoyed.’ The feeling (annoyed) was not stated in the first sentence. ‘I feel that …’ is deceptive – in fact it hides feelings. Try some sentences to get the idea.

‘I feel that you have a hidden agenda’ could be translated as ‘I think you have a hidden agenda and I feel wary.’ Whether your partner has a hidden agenda is arguable. Your feeling wary cannot be argued – you know what you feel.

‘It feels like I am not going to get what I want here’ translates as something like ‘I am afraid I am not going to get what I want here.’ This is more specific and more personalised. So steer away from pseudo feelings by not beginning sentences with ‘It feels like …’.

You may think these details bothersome and pedantic. Such small differences may appear insignificant, semantic and ridiculously petty to you. In fact the power of such small changes can be awesome. Try for yourself and see what kind of difference it makes in your relationship.

My experience has been that by changing the language I use to describe my experience so that it is more accurate, I end up much more satisfied with the results of my effort to communicate. It is like building a house out of bricks. If you don’t place each brick carefully and exactly, you are going to end up with a wall that leans and is fundamentally unstable. It is well worth the effort to be precise.

Warning: Your partner may not be open to listening to your carefully expressed feelings. For some reason that may not have to do with you she may be feeling particularly defensive. If she rejects or disbelieves your feelings, or says that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do, then stop sharing. This is very important. If you hang around while your personal revelations are put down or otherwise damaged, you will simply be hurting yourself and the relationship. Don’t do it. Learn the art of retreat. You can signal this by saying, ‘I am not feeling heard, and I need to pull back.’ If she doesn’t stop attacking, walk out and say, ‘I’ll be back in half an hour.’ This is every bit as important as withdrawing your hand from a flame. If you keep it in the fire, don’t be surprised if you get burnt.

Never talk in absolutes

There is nothing that is true all the time. Any sentence either you or your partner uses that starts with ‘You always’ is suspect. A powerful, but simple, way of getting around this is to slightly alter this statement to ‘You almost always …’. This may seem like a minor change, but try it and notice what a difference it makes.

Or you might say, ‘She is so predictable, there are never any exceptions.’ Try saying ‘almost never’, and then look for the times when your generalisation is proved wrong. Of course, this is not going to work if you have a secret investment in her staying predictable.

Look for situations where your partner does something differently and comment on them. For instance, when your partner is ready to leave five minutes late instead of the usual ten, acknowledge and compliment her on the change. Rather than the familiar refrain, ‘You are always late’, try ‘I appreciate your effort to be earlier.’

Become more talkative

What if your partner takes up all the verbal airspace? What if she talks at a mile a minute, so that it’s hard for you to get a word in edgeways? If one person does all the talking, it puts a relationship off balance.

If this is how it is, it’s time to start upsetting the apple cart by insisting on your talking time. It’s worth pointing out to your partner that you generally do less talking, but now you want to find more of your voice in the relationship.

The most effective way to produce change is to look for exceptions rather than reinforce the familiar.

Make sure you use personal language in your new-found talkativeness. Although you may encounter some resistance, the overall effect on your relationship is likely to be positive.

Remember, personal language tends to be a turn-on!

FOR REAL

Sutara likes to be spontaneous. I usually like to plan things. So if I have something planned like an outing or a trip, and she changes her mind at the last minute, I react.

One time we had planned to go to New Zealand for a conference. A week before she declared that she didn’t want to come anymore. I panicked. All that work I had put into planning! All my dreams of having a great time together! Gone!

Needless to say, I wasn’t going to take this lying down. My opening gambit was ‘You can’t do this to me.’ This did not have the desired effect. In fact she became more stubborn about being able to choose whether or not she wanted to go.

My next tack was ‘You’ve done this before; you are so unreliable.’ This did not convince her either; in fact, she made some retorts about my trying to control her.

I could see that we were going in the opposite direction – she was simply digging her heels in more. So I huffed off, and then spent some time reflecting. I was angry. Very angry. And disappointed. And outraged. So I tried another tack.

I spoke directly about my feelings, one at a time. It was hard to tell her how angry I was without expecting that she should immediately do what I wanted, i.e. change her mind. In fact, that’s what she reacted to – her perception that I was going to try to talk her out of her decision.

So I worked hard to just stay with being angry, and then to speak of my disappointment. That was hard for her to hear, but it made an impact. I spoke of the basis of my outrage – my unspoken expectations that once the decision to go was made, the topic was closed. I spoke of my insecurity when she changed her mind.

The more I talked about my feelings, the more willing she was to talk about hers. She spoke of her insecurity about being with a whole bunch of professionals she didn’t know and felt somewhat inferior to, and she felt anxious about leaving her children behind for a week.

In the end, she decided to come with me, but it was the result of her fears being heard. And that occurred through the expression of my own feelings first.

Vinay

Takeaways

Recognise what you are feeling.

Use ‘I’ language instead of ‘you’ language to express your feelings as statements rather than as demands.

Differentiate between feelings and thoughts.

Acknowledge that you can have several feelings, sometimes contradictory, at the same time.

Use accurate language to describe your experience; don’t generalise.

Talk about yourself, not just what happened to you.

Don’t open up when your partner is not receptive; if you do, and you are not being heard, withdraw.

Don’t let your partner monopolise the verbal space.

CHAPTER TWO

Anger: red and hot

Harness the power of anger; don’t let it control you.

As mentioned in the previous chapter, men tend to be more comfortable with anger than with other feelings. It’s often easier to notice and express anger than to cry. However, anger is hot and can get out of control, so it’s important to learn how to include anger in a healthy way in a relationship.

But first let’s look at the stunted cousin of anger: resentment. Resentment develops when anger is not expressed. Everyone gets resentful, men as well as women.

You can deal with irritating situations through rationalisation (‘She’s grumpy because she had a hard time at work. I won’t take it personally.’), but that only works to a point. It is inevitable that you will build up some resentment over time. This will slowly poison you unless you do something about it. Complaining to your mates doesn’t count; that’s just a way of putting off the inevitable.

What to do about resentment

There are safe and unsafe ways to step into this minefield. The safe way is to set up safe circumstances by ensuring that:

you are not inflamed and about to explode, and

there is enough time to talk without being interrupted.

Use short sentences like ‘I resent when you …’. Two or three will do – beyond that it’s unlikely that your partner will be able to hear you. Explain that you don’t want a reply; you just need to be heard. There is nothing more unsatisfying than receiving justifications and explanations when you simply want your partner to understand that you are pissed off.

Be willing to take turns: listen to her resentments without defending or responding. This releases the prickly energy associated with resentments, and may be all either of you need to say to feel some relief. However, once the energy is released, you may want some action from her and, if so, it’s time for negotiation. You will be better prepared, because expressing your resentments first takes the sting out of negotiating.

However long your fuse is, at some point your partner is going to go too far, so you need a first aid sentence, something like, ‘I’ve heard as much as I am able to for now, I’m overwhelmed, and I need you to stop.’ Or just: ‘I’ve reached my limit and I need us both to stop.’ Even if she gets very angry about this, in the long run she will respect you far more. And it stops you both reaching that dangerous point where angry feelings take over and people say and do stupid things. What keeps this in the category of personal language is the word ‘I’ at the front of the sentence, rather than ‘You’: ‘I am overwhelmed’ rather than ‘You are just too much.’

What to do about anger

Anger is like resentment on steroids. It requires skillful handling.

The cleanest and most potent way to express anger is through a direct personal statement: ‘I am angry that you are late.’ The shorter, the better! If you carry on about the same theme for twenty minutes, it’s unlikely that you will feel any more satisfied; and if she hasn’t reacted explosively, there is a high probability that she will have glazed over long ago.

Anger is a useful indicator. It tells you when someone is stepping on your toes, and that you need to stand up for yourself. It’s about self-respect. It can energies you to action.

If you’re a mild-mannered guy not accustomed to expressing anger, there are good reasons for developing this ability. Women don’t like destructive anger, but they don’t like wimps either. Cleanly expressed anger is a vital part of a relationship; through it your partner gets a sense of your strength and power.

Expressing your anger is not the same as dumping on your partner. Honesty doesn’t mean saying, ‘You did a useless job of planting out the garden and I am sick to death of all the money you spend on it.’ In this instance, the expression of how you feel needs to be tempered by some sensitivity, otherwise you may end up using emotional honesty as a bludgeon to hit your partner over the head. This is not likely to increase her affection for you!

You could instead say something like: ‘I disagree with the way you planted out the garden, and I am angry that you didn’t do it as we agreed. I am also angry because I think it’s going to cost more than I am willing to spend on it.’

It is important that you read the pressure gauge on your anger. If you fill up a tyre on your car and don’t pay attention to the pressure level, it will eventually burst. There will be bits of tyre everywhere. A mess! You might even get hurt by a piece of flying tyre. Who are you going to blame?

Anger is just the same. If you wait until you are 10/10 to express your annoyance you are probably going to explode. Try telling your partner, ‘I’m at 6 out of 10 and getting angrier by the minute.’ You might still get to boiling point, but the point is that you will give yourself more choices. No matter how provocative she is, it is your choice to remain in a position, even though you are still being provoked. Getting to 10/10 is not her fault, but your responsibility.

If you let your anger sneak up on you, you are no longer in the driver’s seat. If you notice along the way, you can make a decision to steer in a different direction.

How to screw things up

There are four quick angry ways to poison your relationship: two over the top, and two underground:

1 expressing anger in a way that is intimidating – loud yelling or physical force

2 making threats

3 being indirect, back-handed or undermining, or putting your partner down

4 being silent, or sulking, or walking around in a black cloud.

You may prefer these ways of expressing your anger because they are familiar, but it’s pretty clear where they will take your relationship. The best advice is: don’t go down that track. If you feel stuck on automatic, you might need some help – therapy is good, as are men’s groups.

Admitting it hurts

Anger is the result of pain: not getting what you want, or getting what you don’t want. A powerful move is to step back from your anger and admit your pain: ‘When you criticise me in front of the kids, I feel hurt and want to hurt you back.’ That will reduce your partner’s defensiveness and will more likely get you what you need. It’s hard because it involves being more vulnerable and letting go of the one-up position of self-righteousness. Give it a go and notice the results.

Men often have a large store of anger. If you have taken a lot of crap – from your parents, your school friends, your work mates, your boss, or the woman in your life – then it can be difficult to really get in touch with your anger. Taking the plug out of the top of the volcano can feel, and be, dangerous. The answer lies in going to the hurt underneath the potential explosion. This requires really good support – someone who can help you find a way through the pain without getting drowned.

Releasing your anger

Of course, sometimes you are so riled, it is impossible to think straight, let alone come out with clear ‘I’ statements. At times like these, if you don’t channel your aggressive energy, all you will get in response is a brick wall. This is not particularly conducive to a good relationship.

There are a variety of ways to take the rough edge off your energy. Here are a few examples:

Physical activities are always helpful. Lift weights, play a sport, go swimming, attack some wood with an axe, mow the lawn or go for a long run.

Creative activities are also effective: singing, playing the stereo with the volume full blast or dancing till you drop.

Doing something different is often hard. Learning to express anger cleanly takes determination, support and practice. But it’s worth it!

FOR REAL

When Janice and I argued, we often escalated into explosive anger. Things easily went wrong. One time I grabbed her by the throat. Another time she snapped the aerial off my car. It seemed that my third marriage, only two years old, was on the rocks. So I started therapy and anger management classes.

I soon had a chance to put into practice what I was learning. I told Janice that I wanted to keep my own living space until we sorted things out. Janice became furious and hurled abuse at me for several minutes. I could feel myself heating up, but kept silent. Then I did something different. I said, ‘I am so furious right now that I could smash something. So I am going to step back until I cool down. I’ll come back in a half hour.’

I walked out, making a huge effort not to slam the door. After