Surviving a Toxic and Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize, Respond to and Recover from People with Personality Disorders

By Greyson James

It is estimated that one out of every seven people in the world suffer from one or more of the Cluster B personality disorders. No matter if they suffer from anti-social, borderline, histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder; all emotional abusers have this in common: unhealthy, superficial, inappropriate or completely nonexistent human emotions and extremely abusive, erratic, dysfunctional and toxic behavior.

Emotional abusers use anger, aggression, deceit, exaggeration, seduction, manipulation and excessive emotion to get what they want and to hide who they really are. Most are so good at what they do, and so relentless at pursuing and achieving what they desire, that most of the time their victims won’t truly realize what is happening to them until they become so isolated, hurt, confused, and disoriented, that they lose all sense of reality and self-identity.

Emotional abuse can happen to anyone, but it is a personal hell through which no one should ever have to suffer. Honest, open, insightful and thoughtfully written from the first-hand experience and perspective of an abuse survivor, this book will not only help you identify behaviors that can lead to emotional abuse, but it will also give you the ability to recognize, avoid, escape and recover from its various forms, in all of its subtlety and expressions. It also provides an understanding of why people with Cluster B disorders do what they do, simultaneously shedding light on these disorders that are so often behind mental and emotional abuse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Jan 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9781977251381

Greyson James

A successful businessman, pastor, author, and Christian life coach, Greyson James shares his insight and personal experience to help abuse victims with the pain, guilt, shame and confusion that comes from emotional abuse. He spends his time helping abuse survivors heal from the wounds they have suffered to again find peace and happiness in their lives. He is the founder of FreedomFromAbuse.com

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Surviving a Toxic and Abusive Relationship

How to Recognize, Respond to and Recover from People with Personality Disorders

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2022 Greyson James

v3.0

The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

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Table of Contents

Introduction

1: Understanding Psychopathy

2: An End before the Beginning

3: New Beginnings – The Idealization Stage

4: Don’t Ignore the Warning Signs

5: Learning New Communication Skills

6: Be Careful What You Wish For

7: The Devaluing Stage

8: Discovering New Behaviors

9: White Lies and a Black Heart

10: Weathering the Storm

11: Crossing the Line

12: Defining Abusive Behavior

13: Looking for Help

14: The Pain Runs Deep

15: Withdrawal

16: Leaving Is Never Easy

17: Escape

18: Healing & Leaving the Past Behind

30 Signs of Emotional Abuse

How to Know If You’re Being Gaslighted

Typical Things a Cluster B Person Says

Recommended Reading

Acknowledgments

Introduction

I had never planned to write a book about toxic relationships and emotional abuse. It’s not a very attractive subject, and I knew I would have to re-visit some very dark moments in my life if it was going to be a book worth reading - a book that could help people relate to, identify, understand, avoid or escape what I have personally gone through. I knew that I would have to become vulnerable again if I was going to share advice based on my experience, and I would most likely end up having to re-live and feel some of the physical and emotional pain that I suffered previously as a result of it.

As a male, I also realized I would not only face doubters, but would also have to deal with the demasculating image of being a man that has been abused by a woman and overcome the shame, guilt and incredible suffering that comes with it. Sadly, there is quite a bit of abuse of men by women going on, much of it behind closed doors (because of the negative stigma associated with it), but plenty of it takes place in plain sight for others to see.

The abuse can be verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual, legal, psychological or, if you have a hall of fame abuser, a combination of all of them. I also understand that there is even more abuse of women by men taking place in the world, and I don’t wish to detract from that very real and horrific problem either. That is why it’s my sincere hope that this book will speak to both men and women on the subject of emotional abuse.

When you fall in love with someone and then decide (for some) to marry, you don’t normally think about what could possibly go wrong. You tend to embrace the person you are with and the moment you are in, and look forward to the happiness you believe you’ll experience with that person for the rest of your life. This can be especially so if you have a prior experience of an extremely happy marriage or relationship to compare to. It’s only natural to hope for and believe that your next relationship or marriage can or will be as good as, or possibly even better, than what you experienced before.

Most loving, healthy and empathetic people will embrace the good traits of their new spouse or relationship partner and also work through the things that can be more challenging to us, because the good traits and habits should normally outweigh the bad ones. None of us is perfect, and all of us carry both negative and positive baggage into any relationship. Most of us will overlook a few negative nuances in a person (provided they’re not too serious) because we have chosen to embrace all of the other good qualities that attract us to them and that they appear to bring into the relationship. After all, we were taught that love conquers all, right?

Unfortunately, some people enter a new relationship severely damaged emotionally and mentally from toxic, dysfunctional families and childhood experiences, from abuse and previously hurtful relationships. These experiences often create responses in those hurt individuals that lead to the development of one or more of the four Cluster B disorders that include Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). Add to this other disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and you have a volatile cocktail of dysfunction that can, not only kill a marriage or relationship, but cause extreme damage to the person or people (spouses, children, friends) they purport to love. As the saying goes: Hurt people, hurt people. Most often, it’s the ones closest to them.

The four Cluster B disorders comprise various individual symptoms, but all of them have one thing in common: unhealthy, superficial, inappropriate or completely nonexistent human emotions. These disorders can manifest themselves differently and distinctly with each individual and disorder, but for those of us who have the distinct joy of being affected by or are on the receiving end of these disorders (the actual victims), the experience is the same for everyone: First you are idealized, then devalued and then abused.

Because people with Cluster B disorders are incapable of forming natural bonds and healthy relationships with others, they attempt to mimic them through a cycle of sweet and mean or put another way, charming and nasty. The ensuing chaos that comes from dealing with this type of behavior leaves behind a trail of wreckage that can severely and negatively affect those exposed to it for years after.

This begs the question, "Isn’t it pretty obvious for most intelligent people to see these disorders manifest themselves in the individuals we’re involved with before we get so deeply tangled and relationally committed with them? The simple answer is no, because the idealization phase" will usually last as long as it takes for the individual with the disorder to secure whatever it is they desire in you or see that they want from the relationship. And this can be many months or sometimes even years into the relationship.

The initial love bombing is so strong, so exhilarating and almost overwhelming, that you literally can’t see the proverbial forest for the trees. There’s a lot of you’re the one, you’re so perfect, sweet, loving, thoughtful, we’re so alike, and I’ve been waiting for someone like you to come along my whole life etc. And they surely have. Being idealized like this can be an almost euphoric feeling, unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. And it is all planned. Very well planned. Welcome to the world of psychopathy.

It is estimated that one out of every seven people in the world suffer from one or more of the Cluster B personality disorders. So, the chances are pretty high that you will run into one in your lifetime. People who have these disorders are absolutely driven to have their own needs met. They are so consumed with achieving that singular goal, that they find great difficulty offering any type of healthy emotional responses necessary to achieve a healthy, loving, long-term relationship. They try to cover up their intensely toxic behavior with aggression, deceit, exaggeration, seduction, manipulation and excessive emotion to hide who they really are.

These individuals are so good at what they do, and so relentless at pursuing and achieving what they desire, that most of the time you won’t truly realize what you’ve gotten yourself into until you start becoming isolated, hurt, confused, disoriented and programmed to respond properly to their extremely erratic and toxic behavior.

Their uncontrollable anger, outbursts and abuse start to become the norm, as does their subsequent ignoring of you and your own personal (now diminished) needs. The lies they tell are so frequent and the manipulation so constant and severe, that you soon lose all sense of reality. You settle for the crumbs they may throw your way. You hope beyond hope that tomorrow things will change and you’ll once again get to experience the person you first saw, felt and fell in love with during the idealization stage.

Now throw in the fact that most humans are empathetic, caring, loving individuals who have sympathy for people who have been hurt in their past. Most people are willing to overlook certain behaviors (or warning signs) because they have fallen in love with that person’s good (or faked) traits; and many of us (as in my case) also have somewhat of a rescue mentality that comes from a strong and true desire to see hurt people freed from the bondage of their past experiences.

We want to believe that we can make a difference in that person’s life, and be the one to break the chain of bad experiences for them (many of which we discover later to have been created by themselves). We want to be the person to shower them with the type of love we believe they truly deserve which will cause all those other toxic relationships they’ve been a part of to become a distant memory.

I’m a widower who was fortunate to be previously married for almost 30 years to the most amazing, loving, beautiful, joyful human being that I believe has ever graced this earth. The relationship was by no means perfect, but always filled with an incredible amount of intimacy and affection. It was strong and resilient in response to changes and challenges--encouraging, trusting, faithful, and filled with happiness and common purpose. Even though I have been a pastoral counselor and life coach for many years and have been exposed to and counseled personal dysfunctions and relational challenges, I really had no personal experience or exposure to the world of Cluster B personality disorders and psychopathy.

After I lost the love of my life to cancer, I was extremely lonely and vulnerable. I equated loneliness with sadness, and felt that unless I solved the first problem, I could never overcome the second one. I was blessed to have been able to semi-retire early after selling a very successful business that I’d spent 25 years building. I had plenty of friends, was involved with many non-profit organizations and projects, was a successful investor and traveled a lot.

But I just couldn’t shake the feeling of sadness and loneliness that I so deeply felt. I would go for long walks and ask God to send me the perfect woman to fill my needs. A new life-long lover, friend, companion and soulmate who shared the same values and interests as I did. You might as well have tattooed a sign on my forehead that said perfect abuse candidate.

I could never have imagined that things could get any worse than the pain I felt after losing my one true love. But I was wrong. The personal hell I experienced next is something no one should ever have to suffer through. In fact, it almost killed me. It is my hope that by sharing my experience on the subject of psychopathy, that I can help others identify, avoid, escape and recover from the abuse that comes with it. I also want to provide an understanding of why people with Cluster B disorders do what they do, while shedding light on these disorders that are so often behind mental and emotional abuse.

I want to help people not only identify behaviors that can often lead to abuse, but help people recognize the various forms of abuse in all of their subtle expressions. If you are someone who is currently suffering in an abusive relationship, wanting to escape one, or trying to recover from one; my hope is to give you some new insight, perspective and helpful tools to do so. I’ve written this book so I can help others learn from my experience, and find true peace and happiness again in their lives.

1

Understanding Psychopathy

The term psychopath was first used by German psychiatrists in the late 1800s and comes from the Greek words psyche ‘soul or mind’ and pathos ‘suffering or disease,’ combined to mean suffering soul. It was originally used to describe mental disorders or the study called psychopathology. By the turn of the century, the mental disorders were further defined and termed personality disorders. This is to be differentiated from the term ‘sociopathy,’ which refers to a pervasive failure to adhere to societal norms in a way that could harm others. Most of us would view a sociopath as a lone killer, devoid of humanity, unable to mix with the rest of society and someone who preys on vulnerable people.

But psychopaths are completely different. They are more than able to live among us and blend in with society. You could have one as a parent, friend, boss, spouse or partner. One out of every seven people suffers from some form of Cluster B disorder. And if you look hard enough and know what to look for, you can easily identify them. They are the people who cannot or rarely feel emotion, they can only manufacture it or copy it from someone else. They have no ability to feel empathy for others or show remorse. And for most of them, their only goal is to take advantage of others and get their own way.

This can be in the form of subconscious reactions as in the case of many Borderlines (BPD), the devious manipulation of a Narcissist (NPD), the exaggerated actions or statements of someone who is Histrionic (HPD), or the Antisocial (ASPD) who has no regard for the rights and feelings of others. In all of these disorders the pervasive feature is pathological lying. For the Borderline, they often lie to distract and cover up for their toxic behavior. The Narcissist lies to control, exploit and manipulate others. The Histrionic lies for attention, sympathy or prestige. And the Antisocial lies to intimidate and cover up for their compulsions and lack of responsibility for their actions. In each of these disorders, the person is lying to get their own way and gain an advantage over other people.

Dysfunctional Behavior

There is a second feature you will find in many Cluster Bs, and that is the parasitic way they will feed off other people to maintain their desired lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you are a friend, sibling, spouse or partner, they will try to gain or take advantage of you in some shape or form if it benefits them, regardless of how close you are with them or how briefly you have known them.

A third feature is the result of these behaviors–a struggle to maintain long-term relationships and have few, if any, true and close friends. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is romantic or platonic, people will slowly drift away from them as they become aware of the person’s toxic personality or worse yet, are actually hurt by the person’s behavior and actions.

On the flip side is the fact that all of these people with personality disorders are human beings, created in the image of God, but who have been affected by circumstances initially beyond their control, that have shaped who they’ve become. All of them are on a complex journey that most likely started when they were still children. And their journey probably started long before your relationship with them began.

Each dysfunctional family experience, every hurtful friendship, every abusive and failed relationship before you, has affected them in negative ways that added to their own personal dysfunctional beliefs and behavior. This creates a highly toxic human being that no human angel or knight in shining armor can ever hope to fix, no matter how hard they try.

Welcome to the Drama Show

I cannot even begin to emphasize the sheer magnitude of drama you will encounter, become deeply affected by and be emotionally and physically damaged from in a relationship with someone who has Cluster B personality disorders. For anyone who has never been exposed to this type of toxic behavior, it is difficult to comprehend that people with this type of dysfunctional behavior actually exist.

When you are a normal functioning person with great friends, a supportive family and previously healthy relationships, you may have no real idea of what the world can look like through the eyes of someone who suffers from one or more of the personality disorders. And nothing can prepare you for the abuse, confusion and pain you will experience and the sheer evil that can be carried out against you and those you love and care for.

There are also things about our own beliefs, desires, personality and values that can make us more vulnerable to abuse. That doesn’t mean we’re