Dear Therapist: I Don’t Know How to Help My Best Friend Through Her Divorce
Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
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, My lifelong best friend just finalized her divorce after 17 years of marriage. I’ve been doing my absolute best to support her—listening, giving advice and encouragement, sending gifts, talking on the phone at all hours, and taking a cross-country trip to see her. She is estranged from her own family, so I feel like my role as a friend is supercharged, and I act as her mom, sister, friend, and cousin all wrapped into one. The biggest thing I’ve done is lower my expectations for our friendship, knowing that she is likely incapable of caring for me during this time. That has been a noticeable and Recently, my friend has been making what I think are poor decisions in the wake of her split. She is drinking a lot, dating and sleeping with multiple men, and altogether avoiding therapeutic activities that might help her work through the trauma and set up a stable future for her and her children. This is so hard to witness, and I’m not sure what my role is here. I am disappointed and even a bit angry at her for carrying on like this. It is especially difficult for me to reconcile that she may have no energy to give me but obviously makes space for these unhealthy activities in her life. Do I stand by and support her no matter what? Do I express concern for her health and well-being (even though I’ve done this and it gets ignored)? Do I tell her I need a break from our relationship? Is this terrible timing for me to let her know that I have needs within our friendship too? I want to be a good friend during her terrible time without it being so emotionally terrible for me as well. Is this possible?
