Love Has No Gender or Race: The inclusive gender identity workbook and LGBTQ+ coming out guide; skills to navigate sexual orientation, gender expression and racism with acceptance: The inclusive gender identity workbook and LGBTQ+ coming out guide; skills to navigate sexual orientation, gender expression and racism with acceptance

By Elizabeth O'Carroll and Yuurei Miranda

Discover more about who you are and who you might want to become now with this all

inclusive gender identity and LGBTQ workbook!

Are you tired of not knowing ho

• Language: English
• Publisher: Celestar Publishing LLC
• Release date: Mar 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9781088075692

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Before you read this book, I want you to know what inspired it. You see, I brought this book back with me from a near-death experience.

In 1997, I was in an emotional fog. I had divorced my husband, and the process had become a battle. The fight left me devastated and exhausted. My closeted gay self had just come out, and I didn’t know what life would be like as a lesbian. I needed surgery for a ruptured disc in my neck, and the horrible combination of circumstances had left me in excruciating pain. My doctor prescribed pain killers. It turned out they went great with a drink.

One night, I overdid it. Too many pills got mixed with too much wine. I passed out in my living room, alone and too intoxicated to call for help. Earlier, my girlfriend had gone out partying with her friends while I drowned my sorrows and pain at home. Luckily for me, she came over to crash on the couch for the night. While I took my first few steps towards the light, she found the key, showed herself in, and discovered me on the sofa, about to take my last breath. My friend happened to be a nursing student. Right away, she began CPR and called for help.

While she worked to bring me back, I traveled to another dimension. Call it Heaven, the other side, whatever you want. I don’t know exactly where I went, yet I know how it felt.

In this dimension, I was greeted by my grandfather who I had loved immensely as a child. I felt a deep, incredible love that surrounded me on all sides. Everything happened all at once, yet time stood still. I was shown scenes of my life and choices I made that were played out like movies. I was aware of my body back on Earth and the EMT’s working to save me, yet I was somewhere else.

While I was out of my body, I became aware that there was no gender, race, religion, politics, or language in our souls. Instead, I found light and love. The experience helped me realize that we are not our bodies, race, or anything that is defined by people around us. We are light. We are love.

When I came back to Earth, I knew some fundamental truths. I knew that we can each only feel truly happy if we live on our terms and make choices that reflect what we really feel and believe. That means the labels we rely on serve a purpose; however, they don’t define us.

I want to empower you to know what I know: despite the labels discussed in this book, these terms only exist to help you find yourself. Eventually, you can let them go. I trust you will dance, sing, and paint your life in a set of colors that help you shine in your own, authentic way.

As someone who, after years of denial, finally learned how to be myself, I can tell you, it’s the only way to live.

INTRODUCTION

I see you.

I see you over there, trying to watch what you say, picking the right haircut before you go to the salon, paying attention to what bands everyone is listening to, so you make sure to know the right songs. I see all the work you’re doing to hide your true self because, not so long ago, I was you.

I was in the closet and terrified to come out. That’s why I wanted to write this book for you—I want you to experience the freedom and the power that comes from knowing yourself and refusing to apologize for being your beautiful, authentic self.

So, if you are reading this book now, that means your intuition guided you to this book. If you are questioning who you are and why, then this is the book for you.

I came out decades ago. Before I started research for this book, I felt certain that coming out today would be much easier than back when I was younger. It had to be, right? Every June, I’m surrounded by Pride parades. Major department stores are suddenly packed full of rainbows. It feels like every queer person I know has plenty of straight, cisgender people in their network. The struggle is over.

Right?

Sadly, a little time online in LGBTQIA+ groups showed me the reality. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I felt to see kids asking for advice for all the same problems my generation faced back in the 1980’s.

How do I tell my super homophobic mother that I’m not straight?

How do I know if I’m gay? I think I just have a crush on my friend…

I might be bisexual. What’s the difference between a lesbian and bi?

What is transgender? Can someone explain it to me? What is the best way to come out?

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I made sure to make myself much more available to my youth group. These kids needed a mentor, and luckily that’s what I do best. I worked hard on becoming a resource to my students and helping them understand the realities of a queer identity while they helped me navigate new terminologies and ideologies in the queer community.

I’m not trying to say I’m perfect and I already know everything, far from it. What I am, at this moment, is someone who’s been there and done that.

When I was in high school, my mother walked in to see me getting my first kiss with Alice, a gymnastics teammate in high school. My mom walked in on us. Alice was thrown out of my house. My mother assured me that I would burn in hell. I stuffed myself back into a closet for another ten years.

Alice got a very different response from her parents. She sat her parents down for a serious talk after a long, angry phone call from my mother. Her mother sobbed. Her dad peppered her with questions about her lifestyle.

Are you going to shave your head?

Why do you hate men so much?

So what? You’re going to be one of these female bodybuilders covered in muscles and oiling up your skin? Is that it?

It was a lot to take in.

Alice’s scenario was more fortunate than mine. After long stretches of silence, awkward family dinners, and many more questions, her identity became something she could openly talk about. Alice was lucky that she didn’t get kicked out, like many of my queer friends. Many of them seemed to vanish into thin air as they lost their homebase. Not Alice.

She went through life as a queer woman. She dated other women, met her partner. Several years later, her parents attended their wedding and so did I. Others chose to skip it, which must have hurt. During the ceremony, I looked at all the people who chose to attend with big smiles on their faces and gifts in their arms, and I felt happy. At that ceremony I could be myself with friends and Alice’s family: out as a queer woman. It gave me a strong sense of self, and how vital it is to stand in your truth.

While the people around me came out and I saw more queer characters on TV, I still couldn’t let go of the deeply rooted belief that to be gay was evil. I loved God and I didn’t want to do anything to upset God. I felt certain coming out as a queer person would bring down his wrath.

So I shut my one gay experience out of my life, along with Alice. All my friends were male for several years. I was scared to death of being friends with a woman because, if I was, I might burn in the fires of hell. I did all the right things to fit in with the norms of society. I married early and had two children. Yet ten years later, I was divorced.

That’s when I met Arlee, my first real girlfriend. She reminded me of who I truly am.

I lost a lot of the people in my life when I came out, including my teenage daughter. She’d had many friends bully her about her lesbian mom. So she went to live with her father to escape the ridicule and shame of our divorce. She hasn’t spoken to me since. Even now, I don’t understand why she wants to keep her distance.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that change is not easy. However, the scenario between my daughter and I demonstrates who genuinely loves you and will stay by your side. I think my daughter loves me and will find her own way back to me. I can wait.

Unfortunately, my mother didn't come to terms with my identity until her final hours of life. This conflict between us brought me endless grief for being who I am. In retrospect, she went through a lot. Mom divorced my father when I was a little girl. She caught him on the couch with another man. In the late 1960’s she had no idea what queer meant, she only knew she didn’t like what she saw. I can’t imagine the possibility of a gay daughter was even on her radar.

During my mother’s final year, she suffered from a horrible illness that landed her in the hospital. There I visited her every day with my girlfriend, a woman she could barely look at for weeks. Still, we kept showing up, kept telling her we loved her, and little by little she came to accept us. Just before she passed away, she held my girlfriend’s hand and mine. My mom mustered a smile and told us that we were both beautiful.

Like my mother, the world changed significantly for queer people in the course of my life. On top of equal rights for marriage, queer people won the right to adopt and take down anyone who wanted to discriminate against us. We even became more prevalent on TV. Yet, through it all, I’ve seen plenty of backlash.

Homophobia today may not be backed by federal law. That doesn’t mean it’s gone. Plenty of communities and leaders with major platforms want to see us back in the closet. Regrettably, a lot of