Inside My Head: My Bipolar Life

By Jodie Pierce

My journey, as a patient suffering with a Bipolar and more diagnosis. It's a story of my life, my decisions and how my mental health played a part in all of that.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jodie Pierce
• Release date: Dec 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781535343053

Jodie Pierce

I live in Pahrump, NV with my husband who has given me a fairy-tale marriage. I am a seventeen time published author. I have been writing short stories all my life. I've had a fascination with vampires since I was a child so that tends to be my subject matter. Halloween is my favorite holiday! I enjoy hanging out with family and friends, reading, writing reviews, watching movies, Reiki and listening to music. I'm intrigued by the paranormal and enjoy doing research for my stories. I was an exchange student in Brasil during high school so you will find references to that in some of my stories. I'm living the American Dream!

Book preview

Dedication

To my hubby, my knight in shining armor, savior, soul soldier, muse and the air that I breathe. You saved me when I was at a very low point in my life. You showed me how awesome life really could be and it has been so with you ever since we met. You always say I am your savior but you are mine. You saved me from despair and gave me a great life. When we are apart, I feel like I can’t breathe and a simple text from you always makes me smile. We have come a long way together, through the bad and now the good. You say I am the creative and talented one but you are my muse and help me with my stories and in life. I never thought I’d marry again but you proved me wrong the day I met you I knew, as did you, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You are encouraging, loving, kind and all mine and I’m thankful for that every day of my life.

This is also for all those that are Bipolar and do not have a voice. My hope is this book reaches those searching for answers or just can find comfort in my story. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that other people are going through the same things you are going through and though you might feel like you are going crazy, you are not and you are not alone.

Lastly, this is for the Mental Health community. My hope is not only to share my experiences but to offer help in some small way. Maybe you’ll read this book and find it useful enough to share it with others. For those who have helped me, thank you for all you’ve done for me!

2016 by Jodie Pierce. All rights are reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions. The names of the people in this story have been left out for their own protection.

Table of Contents

Chapter One: My Introduction

Poem: Darkness of My Mind

Chapter Two: The Beginning

Chapter Three: Brazil

Chapter Four: Work & Drugs

Chapter Five: My Struggle

Chapter Six: Past Relationships

Chapter Seven:  The Best Hubby & My Savior

Chapter Eight: Parental Health

Chapter Nine: My Current Progress & Hubby’s Health

Chapter Ten: The Love of Las Vegas

Chapter Eleven: The Move to Las Vegas

My Introduction

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Manic Depression, Anxiety and Fibromyalgia with Chronic Pain. These are my diagnosis but not who I am. I let it rule me in the past but I can say for certainty that it is not what defines my life or me as a person now.

It’s a constant struggle, one I am fortunate to currently share with the love of my life who has helped both of us learn to live with these diagnoses. We’ve had to learn how to get along, argue, work through problems and through this all, we not only have become better people but know each other better and love the other one for all their progress.

I’ve found comfort in assigning songs to my life’s situations as you’ll read about in the following chapters

I’ve really had to dig deep for this project and relive some of my most horrible memories which have led to nightmares and more. It’s put me in a dark place but luckily, I have my husband, who is also my best friend to help me through this process.

I’ve recently become a primary caregiver for a parent which has put a strain on our relationship but had we not gone through the past, the present could have ended us (see below). Now? It won’t. Having to deal with a parent that is almost child-like at times is not anything I’d wish on anyone, let alone anyone with the above diagnoses. Fortunately for me, the manic in me has helped me in finding outside help for my parent as I can be a dog with a bone sometimes when I’m not in bed crying.

I’m going to tell you my true story. One with pieces I’ve never told others about. It’s a story about my diagnosis, abandonment, abuse, drugs, attempted suicide, a careless lifestyle, loss, finding my soulmate and being a caregiver with my disease.

After inspiration from a fellow Author and friend, Brandi Kennedy, (https://www.facebook.com/brandi.fields.kennedy.923), I’m going to write a version of how I felt and how the bipolar made me feel inside my head:

I’m fine was my usual answer when people asked how I was but in the back of my head all I heard was ‘No you’re not...you’re crazy and you can’t keep romance alive in your life not to mention a man. You are almost schizophrenic with your Borderline Personality so how many of you are there in your head. Not to mention your mood swings are so severe that no one is ever going to want you and you’re so fat that you’re going to be alone forever. The smallest things set you off, how is anybody going to be able to deal with you? Sure, your parents do but they have to since you are their only child. They don’t really love you either but just feel bad for you. You are a person of extremes with the bipolar so you’re not even a real person, just a shell of a person. Even YOU don’t love yourself so how is anyone else supposed to? You worked ‘so hard’ on your writing and no one is ever going to want to publish it. Its crap and you know it. You wrote them all so fast that none are up to par. Your way of dealing with the pain is by sleeping but it doesn’t work for the real world so how do you expect yourself to survive? What are you going to do if you don’t get your Disability? You’re going to have to go back to dealing with the public and you know how bad you are with that. You’re never good enough and never will be for anything or anyone.’

Everything in this book is true so keep that in mind while reading and please don’t judge.

Darkness of my mind

I see the blood

Embracing the pain

Smoking all this bud

My life is forever stained

I'm not okay

I'm not myself

I do not obey

Putting my heart on a shelf

Chaos in my mind

An eternal despair

Those don't respond in kind

Do they even care?

I'm not okay

I'm not myself

I do not obey

Putting my heart on a shelf

My mind is sick

No one can help me

I'm not your average chick

It helps me be free

I'm not okay

I'm not myself

I do not obey

Putting my heart on a shelf

The Beginning

I was born in the mid-1970’s as a miracle child (my parents had been trying to get pregnant for ten years before I came along) so I was an only child as back then they couldn’t do testing to find out why or artificial insemination. My mom had a complicated delivery and at one point the doctor came out and asked my dad who he wanted to save, his wife or his baby. I was also supposed to be a boy due to my ‘strong heartbeat’ per the doctor. They didn’t have ultrasound back then so it was really a crap shoot and everything was based on how you carried the baby, heartbeats, etc. Mom and dad were too scared to have another baby because of the complications so I was it.

I was often left to my own devices though my mother was a stay-at-home mom. Today, I can see she suffered from depression but would never admit it. Her mother, many years later died with Dementia, Paranoia and Depression. My fathers’ mother also died with Dementia so I was cursed from the beginning.

I was your typical happy kid, playing with Barbie’s, making forts with dad, working on cars with him, watching Sunday morning wrestling on his lap and was just a general daddy’s girl and still am to this day. We were poor, but my parents let me try all kinds of things. I wanted to try things like ice skating lessons, ballet, tap, jazz, bass lessons, Karate, theater and so much more which my parents always seemed to find the money for me to do.

My parents and I really took to the theater thing. They found a community theater about 45 minutes away and all three of us got involved. I was four when I did my first audition. Most of the kids sang ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie but not me. I came up on the stage and sang, ‘I’m a Little Teapot’ and acted out the song. I think I won their hearts