THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN AT 13: OR MAYBE EVEN SOONER - A GIRL'S GUIDE TO GIRL STUFF

By Sonja Reynolds

There are things I feel every female should be taught as they grow into young women, things they will value their entire lives. It would seem like common sense that the most important and especially sensitive things females should know would come from the females closest to them. But sometimes, that just doesn't happen and the information comes

• Language: English
• Publisher: Authors' Tranquility Press
• Release date: Nov 21, 2021
• ISBN: 9781957208008

Book preview

What’s Inside

o A Weighty Situation: the issue of eating disorders

o Are You My Mother: family connections

o Be A Part Of Something: being involved

o Blenders, Skillets and Serving Spoons: problem solving tools

o Caught In The Net: dangers of the Internet

o Dance Lessons: what you do on the dancefloor

o Dead Presidents: choosing your income

o Defending The Temple: rights to your body

o Eyes on the Prize: the love game

o Fashion Police: what you wearing says about you

o Filling The Gaps: knowing the Creator

o Guiding Light: listening to your inner voice

o Handle Your Business: building business sense

o Hills, Valleys and Depressions: emotional ups and downs

o I’m Every Woman: knowing your body

o Is It In You: your environment’s influence

o Just Say No: opting out on drugs

o Leather and Filled With Sand: physical abuse

o Let’s Face It: what you show the world

o Lip Service: communication skills

o Lost and Found: life and relationships

o Making Up: cosmetics and you

o Mama Oh No Not Mia: being a young mom, or not

o Move Your Body: getting fit

o Passion’s Fruit: living your dreams

o Seeds Of Doubt: impact of dishonesty

o So Fresh So Clean: personal hygiene

o Tech NOoooo: disconnecting from tech devices

o The Devil’s Workshop: boredom’s booby-traps

o The Joneses: traps of material things

o The Process: grieving the loss of a loved one

o The Wrong Prince: bad boyfriends

o To Thine Own Self Be True: believing in yourself

o Watch Your Mouth: what you speak into your life

o What’s Wrong With A Virgin: the option of waiting

o Who Are These People: homelife headaches

o Who Do you Love: appreciating yourself

o Work It Out: being a good employee

o Pushed to the End/The Wrong End: bullies and suicide

A Weighty Situation

There are so many reasons females end up with eating disorders, like:

• Wanting to look like the model images they see on TV, magazines, etc.

• A sense of control: if they can’t control some particular area of their lives they feel maybe they can at least control their weight

• Depression

• Anger

• Resentment

• Peer Pressure

There are also a number of different kinds of eating disorders. My goal is not to go into a bunch of medical terms and facts, those are things you can find in a variety of places: the Internet, library, school nurse, and your doctor.

When I say disorder I mean eating habits that are way out of order. For example, are you eating too much, too often, when you aren’t even hungry? Are you hiding food, thinking about it more than anything else? Or on the other hand are you eating and then making yourself throw it up? Has your clothing size dropped significantly and you still feel fat? Any of the resources I listed above can give you lists of behaviors that may determine whether you have a problem. But ultimately your doctor is the one that can diagnose an eating disorder, but you need to identify the problem and accept the need for help. My goal here is to let you know that you don’t need to drive yourself crazy trying to fit into somebody else’s body.

Did you know that the average woman is a size 12? I get a bit frustrated when I go shopping because there are always a bunch of sizes 4, 6, and 8 on the rack and all the 10s and up are missing! You would think that clothing stores would make sure that they stay stocked up on the highest selling sizes. But no! I bet that’s the cause of some ladies saying, Well, maybe I should be those small sizes and then I wouldn’t have a problem finding clothes. Hey, don’t even go that route. Just ask when the next shipment will come in, complain about it to the manager if necessary or just go to another store.

Being able to be happy with the way you look is sometimes an ongoing and difficult process. You may gain some weight and then feel you need to lose it. That’s fine if you do it in a healthy way like exercising or making changes to your eating habits. There are also many different kinds of diets out there; a new one seems to pop up every day. All diets are not healthy, even if they claim to be safe or you find them in a health food store.

By the time I left full time military I had gained over 15 pounds. I exercised very little because I didn’t have to do it daily. Then I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I was quickly approaching a larger clothing size and couldn’t get into most of my old clothes! I don’t like to shop for clothes very much, I like to buy stuff that will last a long time and not go out of style. I was about to have to buy all new stuff! I had tried a number of different diets while I was still full time military and I found that the only thing that really worked was changing my food intake and being more active. My first job out of the military was working at a wilderness education program that required a lot of physical energy, so it was easy to find ways to exercise. We walked over a mile a day anyway, so I took advantage of that. I also made sure I ate slowly. It takes your stomach time to realize that you are eating. People tend to eat quickly when they are hungry and then overeat because they don’t feel full until it’s too late. If you eat slowly and give your stomach time to figure out that you’re eating, you will find that you are usually full before you finish your meal. The last thing I did was drink lots of water! I can’t emphasize enough the importance of drinking water; it jump starts your metabolism (natural fat burning), it helps eliminate waste, helps your complexion, restores cells, and it’s over 70% of your body composition. The water you lose with simply daily activity needs to be replenished. So, within 3 months I lost 15 lbs! It dropped off little by little each week until I was looking and feeling the best I had in years! Notice I said within 3 MONTHS, not 3 days or weeks. That’s 5 pounds a month. Most people don’t want to wait that long and jump into a fast acting diet. But it has been shown that people that lose weight slowly and in a healthy, natural way tend to keep it off. Keep in mind, I was also in my 30s and it’s harder for some women to lose weight when they are older. So, if I could do it, so can you! Take time to learn what causes you to gain weight, what foods, what circumstances, what emotions. Knowing these things is key in deciding what actions to take if you want to lose weight.

We are all created in God’s image, and that’s a beautiful thing. We were not all meant to be a size 4 and it’s senseless to think that if you aren’t a size 4 something is wrong with you. Are you healthy? Now, that’s what’s important. If you’re healthy you’re probably right where you need to be as far as your body shape and weight, even if it doesn’t fit the picture you have of the perfect body.

I used to hate my arms. They looked so fat when I’d see them in pictures of myself. They were muscular from exercise and work, but once the muscles were relaxed my arms just looked fat to me and I hated it. Then one day I was going through my photo albums and found a picture of my mom and discovered that I had arms just like my mom! I realized I was supposed to have the arms I had and that they were beautiful, just like moms. Genetics play a role in what you look like and if you see a pattern in body shapes within your family you should understand that there are just some things a diet won’t help: the shape of your head, the color of your eyes, the size of your feet, or sometimes even your butt! So start finding ways to love what you have and if there’s something you can change in a healthy way, then, handle your business. Never be afraid to ask someone to help you. If you have a friend that’s going through the same issues, team up and fight the battle together. Keep in mind that real beauty comes from within and you just have to take care of the packaging.

Let’s Get the Skinny:

• How do you feel about your weight?

• If it is a struggle for you, what things have you done to improve it? What things have you noticed actually work?

• Do you match your family’s typical body shape, meaning: does your body look like other people in your family?

• Are you setting realistic goals for yourself when trying to lose weight? Realistic being a few pounds a month…not per week.

• If you have a doctor, what has he or she said about your overall health? Did they give you any instructions for follow? If so, have you followed them?

• How much exercise do you get on a regular basis? If not scheduled exercise, how about activity in general (walking for instance)

• What do you want your body to look like and is that image realistic based on your family history and your physical activity?

Are You My Mother?

One of my favorite books when I was little was about this little bird that had fallen out of its nest while its mother was away looking for worms. The little bird went looking for its mother. It searched all around coming in contact with a bunch of different animals asking them all if they were his mother. Because the bird had come out of his shell while his mother was away, it had no clue what she looked like, which was the reason for all the confusion.

I think many of us are on the same mission as that little bird: looking for our family. I’m not talking about literally looking for them like they are lost or have been taken away, I mean looking for a family in which we feel connected to and loved by. Many of us may have grown up in families that weren’t the traditional mother, father, sister, or brother kind of thing. You may have grown up with aunts, uncles and cousins like I did, or grandparents or maybe even in a foster home. All of us have had some very different kinds of experiences being a part of our families, even the traditional ones.

You may feel like an alien in your own home. Your sense of style, your personality, your interests, may not match with anyone in your immediate home family. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just makes you, YOU.

There were so many times that I wished someone from my family had been there when I was getting an award for an achievement or giving my all during a track meet. However there were people who were there during those victorious moments who did cheer for me when my team won a 400meter relay that I anchored or told me how proud they were of me when I got my scholarship to college. Those people were like family sent from heaven. I could seek out these same people for advice and a shoulder to cry on even after I left high school. They were lifelines for me. Even if I did something stupid and they lit into me about it, I respected and loved them for their time and the caring they showed me.

It’s always hard for me when I see young ladies going all out to get the attention of their families and not getting support when they need it. Sometimes that was their reason to start doing things that were dangerous or illegal. When I was working with some of these young women they would ask me over and over, what they were doing wrong or simply why their families didn’t give them the support they felt they deserved or needed. I couldn’t always answer their questions, but I did tell them this: sometimes the family you need may be found outside of the family you have.

Trusting an adult to be my friend was very valuable to me as a teenager. They kept me in line when I complained about situations going on at my house. They helped me see the other side to things, the grown up side. They gave me wisdom when my own failed me. And they were safe. By safe, I mean my family knew where I was and that I was in good hands when I left the house to spend time with them. It was often my friend’s parents that I became closest to and sought out when I needed to talk to someone about big problems. Some of my teachers were also friends for me. They encouraged me and helped me see things I was good at and also challenged me when they saw I was looking for the easy way out of some thing because I was scared. They helped build and boost my self-esteem and confidence.

Yes, I know it’s discouraging to not have the connections or relationships you want at home, but you also need to look at your part in those disconnections and relationships. How much time do you spend with your family? Do you run out on them when they want to have family time together? Do you support things they have interests in? Keep in mind that just because the things your family plans don’t particularly interest you doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to not participate. Those plans are important to them, and their feelings are just as important as yours. A family is a very special kind of animal and should be given the best of care in order for it to be healthy. Feed it, nurture it, clean it when it needs it, take care of it when it’s sick, pamper it, pet it, hold and squeeze it, and love it if you expect it to be there and do the same for you. Try not to expect more from your family than you are willing to give them. And understand that sometimes you won’t always get the results you plan on, or the same treatment you feel you deserve.

I have learned that often you have to show people how you want to be loved, because they may assume they know what you want or need and be totally off base. Success with love and relationships involves lots of trial and error, but the biggest factor is communication. Communicate your needs with your family and allow them to do the same.

And so….?

Describe the relationship you have with the people you live with.

Does your relationship with them match up to your expectations of them? What can you do to help it if it’s not like you feel it should be?

Are you doing anything that is unhealthy, illegal or unsafe in order to get your family’s attention? Need an example: smoking, drugs, alcohol, sex, sneaking out, shop lifting, running way, not eating, over eating…should I go on? If you are doing some of these things, are you getting the results you want?

What makes you feel like you aren’t connected or that you aren’t getting the support you desire? Have you talked to your family about your concerns? Note: don’t expect your family to be mind readers just because they know you. You have to voice your feelings sometimes in order for people to know what’s going on. Read about communication in the Lip Service chapter.

If you feel you have a good connection with your family, what makes you feel that way? What kinds of things does your family do that makes everyone feel connected and important?

Try this one:

If your family agrees that there are some things that could be improved upon and are receptive to ideas, try organizing a Family Night if you don’t already have one. Pick a particular day of every week that the family can get together and spend time really getting to know one another. It could be a time to play a game together, watch a movie, cook a meal together…be creative!

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