The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to let go and surrender, but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. So what’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling. Let me ask you a question, and I promise it’s just you and me so you can keep it real and honest. We don’t do judgment in this safe community of ours. Would you consider yourself a controlling person? Do you put forth a lot of effort to get an outcome that you think is beneficial to your situation? When you are told no, are you the type of person who is determined to make it a yes? Do you run a situation over and over in your mind, trying to figure out how you can get someone to do whatever it is you think is best? Let’s make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction do you: Track your loved one’s location most of the time? Look for liquor or beer bottles? Mark their bottles to see how much they have been drinking? Text them when you think they are up to no good? Lecture them when they come home late? Nag them about chores or responsibilities? Micromanage their schedule? Feel anxious if you don’t know where they are or how much they have had to drink? Get other people to talk them into getting sober? Research helpful resources about sobriety and send them links or bring up your findings with the intention of convincing them they need help? Try your best to meet their every need so they won’t drink or use drugs? Exhaust yourself with the expectation that everything needs to be perfect? Love them so hard that letting them go seems so unbearable that you hold on even tighter? End up in a rage because everything you’ve tried isn’t working? If you said yes to even one of these questions, my sister, you are not alone. Welcome. We are your people. We get it. I could have answered yes to every single one of those questions during different times in my life. And you want to know why you said yes to one or more of those questions? Fear. You’re afraid. You are scared that this disease is going to break apart your family and take away the one you love. You are holding on with both hands as tightly as you can because the idea of losing your loved one scares you. So you fight for control. You do the opposite of surrender. When chaos happens in your life because of this disease, you dig deeper, looking for solutions. You are an overachiever. So you try harder. You read one more self-help book, you make the house even cleaner, you try harder at work, or insist the kids behave even better. You find an area in your life that you can control and you push harder. And then what happens? All this effort - where has it gotten you? There are certain areas of your life where all this effort pays off. Places where your determination and grit has clearly worked in your favor. For example: If you are controlling with your diet and exercise I bet your body is thanking you. If you have placed control over your child’s screen time and determined what they can watch and for how long, that’s a benefit to your children. Control is not always bad. In fact, it’s necessary for the success in our lives. But, there are some areas where surrendering is the healthiest choice. And I have a feeling you know what I am about to tell you… Surrendering control over our loved one's addiction is a good thing. Not only for us but for them. Remember those questions I asked you? It’s not mentally, spiritually, or physically beneficial for us to say yes to any of them. We must let go of trying to control a grown adult. If the one you love is above the age of 18 - surrendering their future is key to your healing. And the good news is that surrendering is very simple. Just stop making the choices to get in their lane. Stay in yours. Keep yourself busy with your healing and recovery. Let’