What Makes a Happy Marriage: Maybe It’s Friendliness or Romance or Simply Being Extra Lovable That’s Missing

By Radzilani N Martin

What Makes a Happy Marriage is all about providing guidelines for anybody in whatever level of the relationship. It digs deep into various problems people who are either married, in romantic relationships, or seeking romantic partners, are facing—anger, jealousy, violence, being taken for granted, why men just quit the relationship—It also provides solutions to these problems.

For people in marriage, some other problems it addresses and their solutions include:

How to avoid the pains of arguments.
• Agree on or eliminate your differences
How to avoid cheating or pushing spouse into cheating.
• Get busy by focusing on doing something positive
How to make love work.
• List down all the reasons it isn’t working

For those in romantic relationship, it provides solutions on:

How to keep a better man.
• Be a better woman
How not to keep a man.
• Don’t beg him to stay

For those seeking romantic partners, it gives insight on:

Five effective ways to get to know a potential partner
• Learn the words the person speaks

Is love dangerous? Is love painful? Are there blessings in love? How love works? The book answers all these questions for you. You’ll almost certainly find any problem you might be facing and its solution, and any question you might be having about love, in this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Aug 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9781546296195

Radzilani N Martin

Radzilani N. Martin was born and raised in Raliphaswa Village, and he currently lives in Johannesburg, South Africa. He holds a national diploma in engineering metallurgy from the University of Johannesburg, and he currently works for Menzies Aviation. What Makes a Happy Marriage is his first book, and he began writing it when his life entered into turmoil; he found solace in writing it and hopes to help others find the same peace.

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2018 Radzilani N Martin. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Published by AuthorHouse 11/11/2019

ISBN: 978-1-5462-9620-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-9619-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018909204

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedications

I am dedicating What Makes a Happy Marriage to you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married, searching for a partner, in a romantic relationship, or on the verge of divorce. What Makes a Happy Marriage is for you.

Acknowledgements

Although words aren’t any enough, for they are cheap, I would like to thank God the heavenly Almighty Father for guiding me when I was writing this book. He imbued me with words when I became desperate for words. Had it not been for God, the book wouldn’t exist. He was even the inspiration for What Makes a Happy Marriage when I hadn’t even thought of writing a book. I thank him.

Also I’d like to thank all the people I interviewed and held serious conversation as part of my research for the book—all the men and women I spoke with, many who I didn’t even know by name. They gave me their time and tolerated when I just kept on asking questions. Their input shaped the book and made it what it is.

To my generous and wise grandmother, Mary; my understanding mother, Eunice; and my caring aunts, Ivy and Rosemary, thank you very much for your support and patience with me.

Also to Madzhie Shonisani Brian and Dr Manthada Steven, thank you, not only for your input in the book, but also for the support you’ve shown me when I was down and almost out in life. Not forgetting the late Muravha Maanda—although I can’t thank you in person anymore, thank you. May your soul rest in peace.

And lastly, my gratitude goes to my colleagues in Menzies Aviation, at O. R. Tambo International Airport. To you, I also say thank you.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Opening

Chapter 2 How to Find the Right Partner

Chapter 3 Romantic Relationships

Chapter 4 Engagement Relationships

Chapter 5 Just Before the Marriage

Chapter 6 Marriage Relationships

Chapter 7 Stages of a Marriage

Chapter 8 Marriage Tools

Chapter 9 Faults of a Divorce

Chapter 10 Closure

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

—1 Corinthians 13:4–7

Introduction

How was What Makes a Happy Marriage written?

A number of tools were combined in order for What Makes a Happy Marriage to materialise. But what I knew for certain, before I even started with the book, and during the journey of writing, was that I had to find out first, what goes wrong in relationships. To find that out, I had to do some research, including interviewing different people with different views about relationship issues.

I asked questions such as: Why do people cheat? What attributes do you want the most in a relationship? What makes you angry in the relationship? Is love jealous or is it not? I asked why men marry the women they marry in order to find out about the fundamental qualities men seek in women. These are a few questions I have researched. You’ll come across others as you explore the book.

At other times, to conduct my research, I only had to observe people interacting in different relationships to pick up what goes wrong, judging from the result that followed an interaction.

In addition, I had to listen to people when they talked, many of whom I didn’t even know and were either on radio or television programmes. There were also people I happened to meet in the streets or in public transports. I listened to pastors as they were preaching. I did all of this so that I became aware of what goes wrong, as well as how things can be made right in relationships.

As part of my research, I also studied different books. This includes the New King James Version and New International Version Holy Bibles.

I drew much of the information by reasoning things out. Imagination was also very helpful, enabling me to come up with better ideas on how relationships can be made better.

They say imagination is much more powerful than education. I don’t know who initially conceived these powerful words, but if I’m right, it was the powerful scientist, Albert Einstein. Or perhaps he echoed these words that originally came from someone else.

If you combine imagination and observation, you become powerful. Observation gives you easy answers, letting you see things as they happen right in front of you. Then you quickly write down the answers from the observation you’ve made, without much reasoning in between. If you’re like me and very concerned about quietness in relationships, by merely observing, and a bit of imagination of course, you end up with the answers you’re seeking. You discover how people can avoid arguments, establish rules of trust, how people can be slow to anger, manage their emotions, and navigate the four stages of marriage. All these matters, you’ll find as you continue with this book.

How long did it take to write?

What Makes a Happy Marriage was written from July 2010 to February 2014 and from October 2014 to July 2018—so over the course of seven years and six months.

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1

Opening

What Makes a Happy Marriage was written to make people aware that, for every problem in a relationship, there’s a solution. In other words, the book was written to give light, direction, and hope to a soul that seems to be despairing.

Because the book gives light and hope, the only element that is needed for a person to live in that light is determination. When a person is determined to do something, he or she can climb the highest mountains and cross the widest rivers. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

A marriage is an institution that needs an enormous investment of love in order to be made joyful. It needs people to exercise fidelity, to trust, to stand up for each other, to listen to each other, to avoid the pains of arguments, and to learn to forgive their wrongdoings. Additionally, it needs people to control themselves, their anger, and all other bad emotions. This is the only way two partners in a marriage will live well together.

The good thing is that, when those people have succeeded in making their marriage joyful, there prevails between them peace, gladness, togetherness, smiles, and let’s not forget all the abundant blessings from the heavens above.

Once two people come together in love, things become more beautiful than the words themselves. Things happen easily when love is on people’s side; they flourish, as that simply is what love does in people.

And so, it’s not for nothing investing an enormous amount of love in a marriage. The pay-offs of doing so are a true life for the couple.

For all these reasons, it is important that, before you get married, you come together with your partner and have a little chat about this institution.

At this point, if you’re not yet married but probably on your way there, ask yourself and your partner a question—whether you look forward to residing in a happy marriage, as I’ve outlined for you above. If both of you dream of that kind of a marriage, then you are reading the right book. And if you’re married already, only travel with me and along the way, I’ll show you some of the ways to be joyful when you’re in this divine institution.

At times when feeling that something is not right in your relationship, something has gone out of hand, and something is about to collapse, What Makes a Happy Marriage will always be there to provide you with the answers you need. If you’re wondering if the book will work for you, though I don’t want to be presumptuous, I assure you the book will certainly work, especially if its tenets followed. But first, how do you find the right partner to marry?

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2

How to Find the Right Partner

Finding a partner simply means that a person is finding someone who will influence his or her life forever. For this reason, the process of selecting a partner should be done with great vigilance, patience, and carefulness. Otherwise, wrong decisions, which can be very painful and even permanent, can be made. A happy marriage starts with simply finding the right partner.

The following outlines a scenario that sometimes happens:

Here is a guy gently walking along the street. Along his way, he comes across a certain lady whom he doesn’t know. As they walk approaching each other, the very first thing he notices about her is the shape of her body from top-to-bottom. As time passes, the two walk past each other.

After they have walked past each other, the guy turns around his head towards the lady, and has his eyes fixed on her once more. When the lady has walked a distance so that he is unable to peer at her, the guy has his head back on his way, and then walks on.

Subsequently, he starts thinking about that lady, and about how he has seen her.

From that day onwards, the guy starts asking around to know who the lady is, and where she stays. When he has found her again, he tries by all means to explain to her how he feels about her. Things go his way, and in the end, the two get together.

Let’s examine another scenario:

Here is a guy within a certain environment. In this environment, there’s a certain lady whom the guy has, for quite a long time, never had feelings for. He never thinks about her when he is alone.

However, due to continuous changes in activities practised within this environment, things lead to this guy and this lady having to work next to each other in one area. As they work together, he comes to discover something about the lady that he has never expected from her, and this ultimately has him paying attention to the lady. While paying that attention, the guy starts to know her better.

As the guy continues knowing her, feelings for her introduce themselves. As days go on, the guy explains to the lady about how he feels, and the lovebirds get together.

In the first scenario, a guy stares at a lady’s beauty along the way, it is overpowering, and he cannot deprive his eyes from watching her. At that very instant while he is staring at her, consuming feelings emerge. He refuses to fight off those feelings, and, in the course of time, he eventually approaches the lady and tells her how he feels.

In the second scenario, however, we have differences. At first, a guy looks down on a lady for some reason, but the environment within which the two operate brings them together, and he starts to know her. While knowing the lady, the guy discovers something more feminine about her. It gets him crazy, but dimly at first. And with a steady growth in conviction, gradually, feelings seep in. He mightily fights off the feeling, but it seems invincible. It leaves him with no choice, but to tell the lady how he feels.

Having these two scenarios well stored in mind, a question I will be delighted to ask is, which is the most ideal way of getting a right partner? Is it about how people feel, as in the first scenario, or is it about how they think, as in the second scenario, about those whom they may fall for?

Stories of love are quite complex and mysterious, which is why, on an ongoing basis, we find ourselves uncertain about them. And unfortunately, we do not have anybody in our midst, who can bravely lift up a hand and say he or she is a guru of love.

However, people should all be aware of a reliable way of getting the right partner.

But before getting too far in our search for this ideal way, it is best that we first learn from the origin of the matter. That way, we’ll be heading in the right direction in terms of how things should be done.

The Bible says a woman is a suitable helper for a man (Genesis 2:18.) A good thing about the Bible is that it mentions the word, suitable. It doesn’t say the partner should be any woman, or any man, you can find. It doesn’t say it’s that woman, or that man, you feel you’re close to, as he or she may be unsuitable. Instead, it says the one for a man is the woman who’s suitable for him. This can serve as a perfect starting point.

But what does the word suitable mean? Do people find this suitability from how they feel, or is it about how they think, about a potential partner?

To clarify this matter, someone suitable is the one with whom a person will undeniably live easily and happily. The only time when two people will happily live together is when they understand, rarely trouble, and find it easy to tolerate each other.

But surely, in order for these two people to live this kind of life—a life in which they rarely trouble each other—they have to have similarities in lifestyle and characteristics. That will enable them establish a common path and a healthy friendship, therefore making them suitable.

But if they have differences in lifestyle and characteristics, those differences might lead them to constant arguments and worries, resulting in an unhealthy relationship.

2.1. Know yourself first

Before you even start searching for that suitable someone, sit and write down important points about yourself. Yes, these are points about yourself, not about the person whom you seek. How will you know the suitable person when you don’t know yourself?

Write down about the kind of a person you are—your true definition, your likes and dislikes, your lifestyle, your character, and your values and principles. Once you’ve done so, go out and look for these qualities in a person who holds most of them. It’s the qualities in you that also reflect in the other person that makes the two of you suitable.

However, sometimes people when they’re together in the relationship, they’re able to influence each other’s likes, trying to make things suitable. But a character is just like a person’s hardwired behaviour and can hardly be changed.

For example, a person might easily reduce his or her time spent enjoying long hours on social media for the sake of the relationship. However, the very same person will hardly change him or herself to being good and well-mannered when, in actual fact, he or she is bad-mannered. What I’m trying to say here is that, primarily, seek out someone who’s as much like you in character and principles. If that someone also displays similar likes and dislikes as yours, then consider yourself lucky.

2.1.1. Same combination

When we were at school, some of us were taught in maths a thing or two about signs. We were taught that, when two positive signs are multiplied, they result in a positive sign. And when two negative signs are multiplied, they also result in a positive sign, in spite of the fact that the two multiplying signs were initially negative:

1. + × + = +

2. − × − = +

A perfect thing about these signs is that they both result in a positive sign, regardless of what the original signs are, as long as they’re the same on the left side of the equal sign.

But what does this mean? If you were to follow this logically, you would grasp that there has been some sort of an agreement between the two multiplied signs, in all the combinations.

The first combination says to each other that, as long as we’re the same on the left side of the equal sign, we will remain the same even on the right side. But the second combination seems to do a different thing. It says that we’re both negative, but we will do something about our negativity once we are multiplied and become positive. Both the signs agree, meaning both are a suitable combination.

The real world

The very same thing happens in real life. If two people of very similar behaviour understand that their behaviour brings out positivity in them, those people agree with each other and live as they are. In other words, neither asks for changes and adjustments from the other.

This is a: + × + = + combination.

If, after thorough inspection of yourself, you discover that you’re romantic, then there’s no reason to hesitate. You should look for a person who has similar characteristic as well. Maybe you’re talkative, or fond of the ups and downs, don’t have many friends, soft-hearted, well-mannered, or have any other quality. Well, you have to seek out someone with that quality. That way, together you’ll make a suitable combination. You’ll avoid the pitfalls I wrote about in segment 2.1.2. Following are some examples.

A romantic combination

When two people are both romantic, it means they both will satisfy their romantic side. They’ll exchange kisses as they want, they’ll cuddle, flirt, hold each other, and do lots of things according to the dictates of their romance. This is something that might help them nourish their relationship, and play a role in minimising the chances of infidelity in their relationship.

It becomes a predicament when the combination in a relationship has one person who’s not romantic. To the romantic person, if in particular that person is a lady, worries follow one after another when she feels she has been robbed of romance. That might become an immense relationship turnoff.

A combination that involves sharing likes

Even though it may be easy for people to modify their likes so they will be compatible, it doesn’t mean that they should fall for whomever they want having trusted this fact. Sometimes people find themselves being addicted to their likes.

A relationship runs smoothly when its members have shared activities they’re both interested in. In such relationships, when the partners are together, topics come after topics, laughs after laughs, doing things together, because of many likes they share. This is an advantage that any relationship needs for its survival.

Even in order for friendship relationships to start, the people involved need to realise that they share certain likes. Then the relationship starts by itself without needing to be called for first.

A negative combination

Although in real life, it’s not all the time that two negatives make a positive, there are instances when they do. This is the combination:

− × − = +

When inspecting yourself, it’s also very important to be aware of your weaknesses and fears and find someone similar. For example, if I know myself to be intellectually weak, I cannot go out there and find a woman who’s intellectually strong and smart. That combination just won’t work because, when that woman spots my weaknesses, she won’t tolerate them. However, if I find a woman who has similar weaknesses and fears, the combination becomes perfect, and together we make a positive. Why? Because that woman won’t keep reminding me of how weak a man I am since she has similar weaknesses too. And this, for me, is a relationship positive.

2.1.2 Different combination

Because those who taught us maths were really excellent—especially my former high school teacher, who tried all he could feeding me with signs, not knowing I would someday take his signs to a higher level—they also taught us what happened when two different signs were multiplied. They said that, when you’re multiplying two different signs, regardless of which sign is written first, the resulting sign is negative:

1. + × − = −

2. − × + = −

The maths’ signs above clearly show that there has been some sort of a disagreement between the multiplied signs. Only one of the signs, the negative and possibly the stronger sign, shows up after the equal sign. Following are some examples of these types of combinations.

The real world

An opposite combination in terms of vulnerability to quarrels

I believe strongly, that quarrels are painful and bring people sadness. However, to the person who doesn’t want quarrels, they bring much pain. That person is just not ready to fight and not ready for pain, these are things the person who is vulnerable to quarrels is used to and ready for. The person who doesn’t want quarrels would rather give up quarrelling easily; he or she would rather agree with the partner regardless of his or her true desire, the way the positive sign does in the equations above. So, you’ll have to be watchful if you don’t like to quarrel, and be sure you don’t end up with a quarrelling person who’s your opposite.

A deep-rooted and a light-rooted combination

The reason people seek to control each other in relationships is because of their differences. For an example, say you’re a man who doesn’t like going to parties, but for some reason, you find a woman who’s a party animal. At the beginning of the relationship, you may not display concern about the party matter as you’ll still be head over heels in love with her. However, later on when the attraction has subsided, you’ll start controlling her, trying to keep her from going to parties. If she puts her foot down on this matter, saying you shouldn’t dare control how she lives, physical abuse may step in because of these differences.

According to my observation, things like desperation, rush, lack of vigilance, and naivety, are some of the reasons people find themselves stuck with partners who are different from them in relationships.

Talkative and quiet combination

Are you a lady who is talkative? If so, then imagine yourself in a relationship with someone who doesn’t talk. Try to understand how things will look like when you’re living together with such a man. In such a relationship, you’ll always talk and talk and talk. You’ll speak five hundred words, but he’ll only respond, Yes. Then he’ll patiently wait for you to utter another five hundred words. Before responding to those words, he’ll look up to the sky, as if he’s thinking a lot. Then he’ll say, I’m not sure.

He’ll seldom start conversations on those juicy topics of the day, but instead he will wait for you to come up with them. The day you keep quiet, because it’s no fun to be the only one who does the talking all the time, it’ll feel as if there’s no one in the house. Furthermore, such a man might even come to feel like you irritate him by always talking.

At this point, will you even consider running straight home immediately after work and say you want to be with your sweet darling?

But if, however, you are both quiet, you will both enjoy the peaceful environment around you, as neither of you will feel irritated by the other partner’s incessant speaking.

2.2. Guys search for partners

Now because it’s all about finding a suitable partner, it’s important to think about the places where you can easily find one, places where it’s easy to learn that a person is suitable and the one for you.

The only way you’ll know that someone is suitable, is when you’ve spent time with that person, and studied him or her. Only then should you share the news about how you feel.

So, it’s apparent that good places where you can accomplish all these objectives well include your neighbourhood, church, workplace, and other places of this nature where you find yourselves involved.

In these areas, you have plenty of time to observe and learn and spot the one who can be suitable. Remember, that’s the person who is like you in some characteristics, values, and likes.

However, one of the problems that might arise when you’ve found a partner within a working environment is jealousy. No one wants to see his or her partner flirt, become romantic with, or become a little too close to someone of the opposite sex. So when you have to stare at your partner every second as you work together, and you always see him or her flirting with someone else, you may not be able to stand it.

So if you decide to find yourself a partner within a working environment, to save yourself from having to deal with these troubles every day, you may need to talk about this matter with your partner. Together you can set out some guidelines on how you both should conduct yourselves when interacting with colleagues of the opposite sex. As long as you agree on the guidelines and comply with them, you should be okay—unless the devil and his demons just don’t want you to be okay.

There’s no master when it comes to finding the right partner. When hoping to find your match, avoid areas like the streets, your favourite park, taxicabs, shopping centres, and other casual areas of this nature. How will you be able to know the true nature of a person you find in these spaces, when you cannot even study the ways the person lives?

Sometimes, I just feel that people want to commit to people whom they don’t know. They don’t want to commit to people they know, in particular those they grew up watching. Of course, one of the reasons people do so is that they know certain dirty details about someone they grew up watching. Then, they decide to go for a distant someone. Someone who is unknown to them. And sadly, someone who could even be much worse.

That someone, if it is a man, is the one who, for such a long time, has been struggling to get a job as the criminal record around him hasn’t been expunged since he left prison. Or, if it is a woman, perhaps, is the one who has had several abortions in her promiscuous past. Yes, everybody has his or her past, but some past, can be too much to handle once it reveals itself.

Some men, when they finally discover this shocking truth about their wives’ pasts, already in the eighth year of marriage. They end up digging for paternity tests because of the immense doubt that befalls them subsequent to the shocking revelation.

I can give you a biblical example that deals with the issue of being in serious relationship with someone you hardly know. What did Samson’s first wife do to Samson as recorded in the Bible (and making matters worse, when they were still within the seven days of their wedding celebration?) She betrayed him to her people. More sadly, she ended up leaving him and marrying the other man, proving that she didn’t really love Samson.

But where did Samson hook up with that wife in the first place? The way the Bible records the story, in Judges 14:1–2, it seems the man was just walking along the street far from home, and suddenly, he captured her. When he spoke of the matter and his pending marriage to his parents, they tried all they could to prevent him. But the man remained adamant:

Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.

Unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t tell us how and where Samson found his second wife, Delilah. But what we know today is that what Delilah did to Samson was even worse. Perhaps he found her along the street also. Perhaps this is why she didn’t show him mercy.

The reason these women did all these detestable things to Samson, according to my theory, is that they didn’t have a good and solid friendship with the man. These women, in particular Delilah, appreciated other things. Delilah, for the love of money, bought for the man a ticket whose second stop was death. Samson didn’t know these women in simple terms.

The point here is that, this thing of picking up someone along the streets and shopping centres and dating him or her with long-term plans of marrying him or her has to end at some point. It’s not good. You have to have a friendship with someone first. The two of you must know each other well, before you transform your friendship relationship into a romantic relationship.

The same goes with social media. I believe that social media is not a reliable way to find a serious partner. People there will tell you misleading information about themselves, wanting to lure you. Who will tell you unattractive things about him or herself in social media anyway? Everybody will tell you what is attractive about them in social media.

It’s far better to find love among former high school classmates than to find love via social media. The advantage with former classmates is that you know those people. There’s a certain level of trust and understanding, since you’ve connected with them to some degree. This, beyond all doubt, is advantageous for a relationship. So if there’s someone compatible whom you know from high school, why not give it a try with him or her? Such a move, believe me, is way better than being in a relationship with someone you hardly know.

Find someone you’ve known for a long time. Someone you’ve known for a long time won’t tell you huge lies that you’ll fall for easily, as you know what that someone is capable of, and what he or she does and doesn’t do. You’ve gathered a lot of information about him or her over a certain period after all. But someone you’ve known for some few hours, on the other hand, won’t tell you of the nasty things he or she did in the past—some of which may still be haunting him or her today and can be damaging once you get to know them.

Someone you’ve recently known can put on a disguise to appear angelic, but when he or she is a habitual liar, abusive, or a serial cheat who has three children, but has only told you about one. It’ll be an utter disaster when you become aware of this person’s other side when you’ve already made serious commitments or perhaps even have a child together.

Had Samson known Delilah for a long time, he would’ve been aware that Delilah’s love for money was outrageous and could endanger his life if he married her. With that knowledge, he would’ve made a different choice. But he didn’t know this about her as he didn’t know her. Instead, he just took a risk.

As Samson’s parents replied to his instruction, they said in Judges 14:3 that:

Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people?

What I like the most in the above excerpt is that Samson’s parents say among all our people. The right partner is not very far from you. He or she is there in your midst—in your community, in your working area, or where you go to church. You’ll particularly find a partner among those who have been in that church for quite sometime.

Yes, it feels very overwhelming returning home with a gorgeous woman or a handsome guy who, in your entire community, nobody has ever seen as he or she is from far away places. But you don’t know that person well. You don’t know his or her lifestyle well. You don’t know what he or she has been up to all along when you haven’t met him or her.

It’s being naive to think that someone’s past doesn’t matter when getting into a relationship with him or her. Some pasts, once they catch up with people whilst in their marriages, are capable of destroying those marriages.

Yes, some people get lucky and capture the right partners where it’s least expected. But then, not everybody gets lucky. You cannot put your trust in luck on issues of this nature. You have to do things the right way.

2.3. Are there prospects of love?

Starting a relationship as friends can be a problem at times. This is something I discussed with a certain pastor. This situation can lead to disappointment. You swear within yourself that, on a certain day, you’ll tell your friend how you feel about her. The moment comes, and you tell her, joyfully expecting her to say, I’ve long been waiting for you to say these words. Instead, she becomes shocked, and even says to you, I thought we were friends, thus declining your love.

Obviously, it is devastating when the only someone you have always hoped for, someone with whom you have always pictured yourself in a relationship turns you down. The rejection might even be a big strain on your friendship.

So, becoming aware of certain signs before making a move on a lady might help a guy avoid such disappointments. Those are the signs a lady shows when she loves a guy.

Women do understand their powerlessness to approach a man and tell him how they feel. And so, when they feel that they love a man, rather than just sitting down and waiting until who knows when, they make some moves to attract his attention.

When you see some of the following signs in your friendship with her, there is a chance that you’ll get a yes when you tell her how you feel.

2.3.1. She becomes jealous

When a lady loves, she becomes jealous. She doesn’t want to see the guy she loves flirts with or gets too close to other women; as she loves the guy for herself. So you can search for jealousy to find out how she feels about you.

2.3.2. She gives you her attention

Giving attention to a guy is another way a lady shows her feelings. When the guy she loves speaks with her, she’ll give him all her attention. And she’ll even go out of her way to give that attention. For example, let’s say she’s with her friends, and there comes her dream guy. If it looks like he wants a word with her, she won’t mind excusing herself from her friends without being asked by the guy, even if it’s nothing important. Why miss out on an opportunity?

This is almost the same as when she spots the guy sitting alone at a distance not far away from her. She won’t mind excusing herself from her friends, just to sit by him. Again, she will do this without being asked by the guy first.

Conversely, a woman who’s not interested in the guy will likely remain with those friends while the guy says whatever he has to say, without paying him that kind of attention. Also, she will just leave him sitting alone, and not bother sit by him, since she is not interested in him.

Lastly, when she loves, she will not mind putting off certain things she should have been doing at that time when she is with you, just to pay you an attention and listen to what you have to say. But if she is not any interested in you, she will tell you straight away that she has some errands to run, some issues to attend to, then leave you not having finished what you had to say.

2.3.3. She complains

When a lady loves, she easily notices the changes in their so-called friendship with the guy. If she feels as though the guy she loves is shrugging her off, she complains. She’ll wait for the right moment to come her way. When it comes, she’ll approach the guy and say that, these days, he’s no longer doing this or that the way he used to with her. For example, she might say, These days, you’re no longer calling me on the cell phone as usual. She might even ask you what the problem is.

When others say these words, you even see a heartbreaking look on their faces, or shyness, perhaps because they feel they are making it too obvious that they really love the guy. They say these words because they love, and are feeling ignored. So, you can test how she feels by shrugging her off and seeing how she reacts.

However, some ladies have a very funny way of reacting when the guy ignores them, and won’t complain. Instead, she’ll become angry. She’ll ignore you too when it seems to her that you have changed your mind about shrugging her off, when she’s angry. She’ll show you some colours whose origins you don’t even understand. Let’s just say that, when she’s angry, she’ll do the opposite of what she used to do when she was still feeling pleased with the guy’s attention. Well maybe, it’s her way of saying that she feels hurt when a guy she is into ignores her. So be careful.

2.3.4. She likes talking

When ladies love, they just like talking to a guy. Of course, a lady could like talking to a guy because she likes the guy only as a friend, but there’re times when the lady likes talking to a guy because she just feels she loves the guy. So, what are the differences between the two?

When some ladies love a guy, they try by all means to show their love. They don’t mind starting up chit-chat with the guy, even if the guy isn’t typically getting those conversations, because they like talking to him. However, if, after some time of putting in that hard work, they don’t pick up a sign that the guy is turning on his affection, they’ll slowly quit. It’s like when you knock at somebody’s door. If you don’t get an answer after you’ve knocked a few times, you leave. Why waste your time.

When a guy a woman is interested in is a little distant, she doesn’t mind calling his name aloud to get his attention. And when he finally gives her that attention—when you think she really has something in mind, perhaps something mind-blowing it will be a problem to miss—she just waves her hand at him. Why? Because she just likes talking to the guy, and wants to attract his attention by waving at him. Again, when some women in this situation wave their hand, you see it written all over their faces that they have something romantic in mind.

2.3.5. She asks you to buy her something

This one I’m not so sure about it. But why do you think a lady would ask a guy to buy her something, even something small like cell phone airtime (these days they seem to be asking much for airtime?) To get the answer, first of all, we must realise that ladies know that what goes up, will definitely come down.

When I asked a certain woman (the very first woman of all the women I asked) why a lady would ask a guy, who’s not her boyfriend, to buy her something, for example airtime, when she can afford to buy herself that airtime and, furthermore, doesn’t even have any important need of the airtime. What is it that she’s actually trying to suggest to the guy? The woman’s answer was this:

Although she had answered me, I still had my doubts. I had to ask another woman the same question. Her reply was this:

The third woman I asked said something that was similar to the second woman’s views.

So, women speak for themselves. For you to know whether the lady has something in mind when she asks you to buy her something, you must consider your friendship relationship with her first. The answer depends on the friendship relationship you have with the lady.

If the relationship is a bit romantic despite the two of you being only friends, then keep a watchful eye when she asks you to buy her something. She may be trying to suggest that you take the friendship to the next level. Sometimes ladies get worried when a guy doesn’t sing a love song, you know.

2.3.6. She strikes through the stomach

Has she ever come to you with a well-cooked container with several colours—one that you could even say she spent the whole day preparing? What did you think was her motive for the effort? Ladies know that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Oh believe me, they know that. It’s not that she cooked for you because that’s what she regularly does for those close to her, or because she just felt like it. She cooked for you because she is into you, and she wants you to notice it.

2.3.7. Other signs

As added by another woman I talked to, a couple of other signs a lady shows when into a guy are that she smiles with him or shows some shyness when he talks to her. She flirts with him by fondling him. She laughs at his jokes even when they’re awful, and she looks happy—in a way it even looks she couldn’t be happier—when she’s with the guy. Women love those men whose presence they feel comfortable and happy in. So, if she shows you these signs, when you tell her how you feel about her, she may well say, I’ve long been waiting for you to say these words.

2.4. Is it love, or is it just something else?

If you are a guy who is really looking for a lady, you’ll know exactly what I’m about to ask you next. Have you ever noticed that you experience different feelings almost every time you meet a lady? Depending on who the lady you’re dating, or meeting, or regularly seeing at some place is, sometimes your heart pounds in a way that feels it might move away from its rightful position in your chest. Sometimes it feels so strange you don’t even know what to think. If you feel nothing at all towards a lady, you aren’t any interested in her.

These feelings, however, are they signs of love?

2.4.1. Feeling nothing at all

Could there be a chance of love when a man seems not to have any feeling for a lady he sees on a regular basis, perhaps someone he literally sees in some of his favourite areas? If you were to ask this question to many of the men out there, to hear their views about this side of love, I’m sure many of them would tell you it’s not possible. I’m not sure what your view would be if you were to consider the question.

According to me, yes, there can be a chance of love in such a situation—but only if you make room for that chance. You might discover that the lady exhibits certain qualities you like; perhaps, for example, you might appreciate her behaviour, her intelligence, her respectfulness, or her kindness, her understanding, or her soft-heartedness. Once you have discovered such qualities, before you know it, a feeling for that lady will introduce itself the