Let's Talk...: Teens and Parents Want to Know

By Nikki Goldman

Let's Talk...

If you're a teen and you're alive....then you've got problems!
If you're a parent and you have a teen....then you've got problems!

What if you had your own personal guide to help you through...Someone to whisper directly in your ear and give you the solution for your particular dilemma?

Dr. Nikki Goldman Ph.D. spent years listening to parents and teens.
They wrote to her, called her and spent time with her in her office.
They asked her for solutions to their problems.
They questioned her about the very personal: Sex, Pregnancy and Romance, Drugs and Addiction to the worldly such as Money and Work and Internet Dangers. They wanted to know about Loss, Emotions and Fear.

These are their conversations.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 28, 2010
• ISBN: 9781469121710

Nikki Goldman

Dr. Nikki is straight forward and compassionate. She sprinkles humor throughout and lightens life's load. ¬ Dr. Nikki Goldman Ph.D. has more than 20 years experience as a Clinical Hypnotherapist Her Clinical hypnosis practice is in Poway and Temecula Ca. She uses hypnosis and Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP) to help teens and adults improve their lives. She has been quoted in, Washington Post, San Diego Union, Family Circle Magazine, Parenting Magazine and more. She has lectured in such prominent institutions as the U.S. Navy, UCSD Medical School, Charter Hospital, Aurora Behavioral Health, national health conventions and has been a frequent guest on radio talk and news shows

Book preview

Let’s Talk…

Teens and Parents Want to Know

Nikki Goldman Ph.D.

Copyright © 2010 by Nikki Goldman Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

Also available on www.Amazon.com

[e-mail]

38603

Contents

Introduction

Body Image and Eating Issues

Former Anorexic Girl Says It’s Not Worth It

Mom Wants Daughter to Remain Fit

Cigarettes Gone, But Weight Is On

How to Spook Away Cravings for Sweets

Parents Can Help Daughters Like Themselves

Mom Regrets Pushing Daughter to Diet

Look Into Why Candy Satisfies

‘Emotional Eater’ Seeks Suggestions

Would Modeling Help Self-image?

Mom Worried Her Weight Worries May Affect Kids

Life Is More Important Than Being Thin

Feeling Good About How You Look

How to Help a Friend with Eating Disorder?

Bulimia Not a Solution to Student’s Problem

Crave Exercise Instead of Food

Prolonged Use of Ipecac Can Kill

Struggling To Overcome Eating Issues

Popular Anorexic Girls Are Not the Lucky Ones

Not Pretty Enough for Boyfriend

Healthy Eating Patterns Will Help During Holidays

Mother, Daughter Benefit from Book

Worried Student Claims ‘Poor Vision’ Of Himself

Daughter Acknowledges Having Eating Disorder

Girl Showing Anorexic Tendencies

Teen Girl Ashamed Of Being Overweight

Have Low Self esteem? Look At the Whole Picture

Thank You Dr. Nikki

Teen’s Issues with Parents or Authority

Teen Afraid To Open Up To Parents

Negotiate To Achieve Your Goals

Mom’s High Expectations Leave Teen Frustrated

Blamed For Suicide Attempt

Punk Clothes Draw Unwanted Attention

When Dad Is Hard To Deal With

Teen Embarrassed To Take Dad to Dance

Clothing Rules Constrain Her

‘Stuck’ Boy Seeking More Time with Friends

When Mom Seems Too Controlling

Daughter Frets Over Perfectionist Mom

When Mom Acts Irresponsibly…

Teen Adjusting To Separating Parents

Town’s Not Big Enough for Mom and Teens

Teen Wants Break From Learning During Summer

Drugs and Addiction

Still Not Smoking

New Lifestyle with Cigarettes!

Is Dad Hypocritical?

Pain Patch Sticks Reader with Unwanted Addiction

Drinking Impacts a Young Life

Drug Screening Program Eases Pressure on Teens

There’s Nothing Fun About Smoking Pot

Troubled That Mom Is Smoking Marijuana

Health, Fitness and Exercise

Helping Her Daughter Live Healthy Lifestyle

Greed for Health Making You Sick?

A Reasonable Approach to Fitness

Friendship

Girls and Gossip

When Friends Drift

Students Discuss Dealing with Gossip

Friend Has Become Too Needy

Friend Feeling Left Out

Can Cliques Be Stopped?

A Growing Rift Between Friends

When Two Friends Fight Over You

Friend Upset Over Online Postings

Seventh-grader Without Friends at Lunch Break

Being Friends with Unpopular Girl

When Best Friends Drift Apart

What to Do When Someone Dislikes a Friend of Yours

When Someone Gets On Your Nerves

Tips Help Teens Write Thank You

Hypnosis

Hypnosis to the Rescue

Can Hypnosis Make You Stop Smoking

Hypnosis to Stop Fears

Is Stage Hypnosis Real?

Language Confidence Comes With Practice

Ways to Improve Concentration

A Tribute to Dr. Nikki

The World Around Us

Jewish Teen Would Like To Be Part of Christmas

Enjoy Freedom of Religion—Even At School

We Should Each Rejoice In Our Own Celebrations

Questioned Over Pocketknife, Girl Handcuffed

Readers Not Happy With Advice on Student

Opposites Are Always Complimentary

Maintaining Balance in Life

Protecting Teen from a Dangerous World

Son Not Ready For World

How Can We Shield Our Children?

Internet Dangers

Dangers of Dating a Much Older Guy

Stay Calm Over Daughter Using ‘Chat Rooms’

Computer Chat Room Holds Most Appeal

Chat Room Pros and Cons

Chat Rooms Can Serve a Positive Purpose

Loss, Fear, and Emotions

Client Finds Peace with a Relationship Breakup

What To Tell Kids When The Sky Is Really Falling?

Helping Kids Through Emotions of War

Combat Suicidal Thoughts by Reaching Out

Dealing with Teasing

Helping a Child through a Death in the Family

When Friends Ponder Suicide

Grandfather May Have Alzheimer’s Disease

Get To Know Yourself with Journal

Helping Child Through Separation Anxiety

Do You Tease Others?

Teen Should Take Pressure off Performance

Money and Work

Teaching Responsible Use of Phone

Try These Tips to Get Your Allowance Increased

Helping Teens Learn Fiscal Responsibility

Teaching Children About Money Matters

Are Kids Ready For The Work Force?

Career Burnout

Break Through in a Stifled Career

Parent’s Issues with Teens

Mom Thinks Her Son Not Ready To Move Out

Youth Leader Needs Advice on Difficult Girl

Mom Frets Over Son Leaving Nest

Teen Body Piercings ‘Just a Phase of Life’

Getting Teen to Open Up

Fighting Kids Driving Me Nuts

Should Daughter See Her Abusive Father?

Learn To Be ‘Quarterback’

Mom Who Smokes Worried About Kids

Mom Misses Net-connected Kids

Teen Becomes Temporary Mom

Getting a Handle on Gossip

Enjoy the Summer with Your Kids

Embrace the Change As Daughter Grows Up

Talking To Your Daughter

When an 11-year old Eyes Makeup

Reader Disagrees With Makeup Advice

Parenting Skills Worry Grandmother

Chores Add To Self-worth, Help Teach Responsibility

Teen Needs To Appreciate What She Has

Mom Needs To Believe In Her Son More

Divorced Parent Tired Of ‘Bad Guy’ Role

Feelings about Divorce Best Learned from Peers

Mom Wishes Her Kids Were Proud Of Her

Control the Situation, Not the Youngster

Should Mom Force Lessons On Daughter?

Limit Activities Let Kids Be Kids

Stepson No Longer Interested In Family Visits

Learning Confidence

Putting Things in Perspective

Grandma Still Pampers Adult Grandson

Pregnancy

Pregnant Teen Looking For Advice

Another Option Open to Pregnant Teen

Pregnant Mom Must Think Clearly

Romance and Sex

Let Go of ‘Pretend’ Love

She Feels Awkward When Alone With Boy

When Two Friends Like the Same Girl

How to Ask a Girl to the Dance

How to Say ‘No’ To an Invitation

Boy Dumps Girlfriend After She Says ‘No’

What’s The Big Deal About Having Sex?

Thanks for Reminder of ‘Special Gift’

Have Confidence in Your Decision

Embarrassed Girl Wants to Salvage Reputation

When a Boyfriend Decides To Call It Quits

She’s Having Trouble Getting Over Boyfriend

Teen’s Romance Has Mom Concerned

Saying ‘No’ Without Losing Boyfriend

Girl Doesn’t Like Mom Acting Like Her Friend.

Girl’s Right to Choose Dance Partner

More on Talking To Teens About Sex

Scared To Ask a Girl to a Dance

Boy Nervous About Asking Girl Out

Girl Turns Down Invitation To Homecoming Dance.

Ex-boyfriend Dumps Her Good Friend

Talking To Your Kids About Sex

Tips to help boys be comfortable around girls

Nervous About Asking Girl to School Dance

Getting to Know Girl before the Dance

School, Sports and Goals

Girls Basketball Team Wins with Teamwork

Boys Wrestling Girls

Seventh Grader Without Friends at Lunch Break

Overcoming Public Speaking Fears

Work Within Child’s Parameters

Fun Ways to Learn During the Summer

Stimulate Learning with Curiosity

Dealing With Performance Anxiety in Teens

Getting Son to Follow Through

What to do after High School

Why Should I Study Social Studies if I Hate it

Measurements Make Her Uncomfortable

Whatever Happened To Modesty?

Discover Your Learning Styles

When College May Not Be a Good Option

Making Her Dream a Reality

Motivation a Problem for Student

Siblings

Youngest Child Always Gets Blame

Teens Little Brother Keeps On Hitting

Sibling Rivalries Can Cause Lasting Emotional Scars

Dealing With a Difficult Sibling

Self Esteem

Find Self-Esteem through Self-discovery

Student Embarrassed About Reason for Cast

Avoiding Constant Comparisons

About the Author

Thank You…

To those who have put their trust in me. You’ve taken risks and expressed your needs. Asking for help is not easy. Without you this book would not be possible.

To my husband Gene for your endless hours reviewing the details of the manuscript. I don’t know how you do it. You enter the information and the computer says, no, I want it my way. In an instant, the last 10 hours work are undone. No rhyme or reason! This machine, supposedly rational and objective, becomes as irrational as a human. The sentence, ‘come to the edge’ becomes, ‘cometotheedge’. Again you dig your heels in and go at it again. I can’t thank you enough for your perseverance and unending support.

When God gave out organizational skills, I was off day dreaming about writing one book or an other so I didn’t get any. Here’s where Andrea Bongart came to the rescue. Thanks Cousin. Without you, I couldn’t have even begun the process of this book.

Other Books by Nikki Goldman Ph.D.

Available on www.Amazon.com

Emotional Disorders

Teenage Suicide

Success for the Diet Dropout: Proven Strategies for Women who want to Stop Hating their Bodies

—

Introduction

It’s no surprise that life is full of problems. Sure, some people have more than others, but if we are alive… we all have them. What’s the difference between those who are happy despite their problems and those who are not? Coping skills!

Some people seem to have a natural ability to cope. They take life as it comes and make peace with the world as it is. Other’s take on the challenges and learn to triumph over misfortune.

We all have choices about the attitude and decisions we bring to our circumstances: not over the situation itself. So what happens when you are faced with a dilemma and don’t have a clue about how to make the best decision? What about ‘attitude know how’. What mind-set will bring optimal results? When will determination best help you succeed in coping? When is acceptance more useful?

There are many ways to learn coping strategies. This book is full of examples for you to use. Adapt these suggestions in ways that serve your personality. Take what sounds right for you and leave the rest behind. There is never any one right way. In the end, trust yourself and your instincts.

—

Body Image and Eating Issues

Former Anorexic Girl Says It’s Not Worth It

Dear Dr. Nikki,

I used to be anorexic. I had to go to a hospital program to get help. I want to let every girl who has had to deal with this know that it’s not worth it. My anorexia kept getting worse and I couldn’t stop it. I thought being skinny would make me happy, but it just made me tired and sick. I couldn’t have fun because I was so tired.

I found out that guys don’t like really skinny girls anyway. I really wanted a boyfriend and thought he wouldn’t like me if I was fat. It turns out that a lot of boys don’t see girls the way girls see each other. I have a boyfriend now and he doesn’t see me as fat even though I sometimes still do. I hope every girl thinks about this and doesn’t even start. It’s best to like your body no matter what size it is.

Signed Satisfied

Dear Satisfied,

Thanks for that letter of encouragement. I’m sure those who read your letter will appreciate your words.

Mom Wants Daughter to Remain Fit

Dear Dr. Nikki,

With a family history of weight problems, I’d like to prevent my 7-year-old from gaining weight and experiencing the same childhood pain I did. Girls in her first grade class tell her she is fat. I know this hurts. She is already shy, and I don’t want this to push her back any further.

How do I help her not gain any more weight, while not letting her feel there is anything wrong with her? What do I do when she asks for seconds at a meal? My mom says tell her no firmly, but I think that would send her the wrong message.

Sue

Dear Sue,

Nothing puts weight on more easily than the fear of gaining it. Relax a little.

People come in different sizes and shapes. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to fit a certain physical mold. Focus on what is attractive about her body. Females have curves. It’s time we all appreciated this.

Be realistic about your daughter’s body. Just as some thin people cannot gain weight, some larger people cannot lose weight. Support healthy behaviors and let her body find its natural size.

It is weak motivation to lose weight in order to escape the pain of being teased. Kids will always find something to tease her about. Teach her the art of verbal karate to combat hurtful comments. When someone tells her she is fat, her reply could be, Oh it takes a genius to figure that out? Or she could say, Are you naturally rude or do you have to practice? Then walk away.

You’re right: restricting food usually triggers a paradox. This may prompt her to sneak food when you’re not looking. Teach her to follow the cues of her own hunger and fullness. Research shows that kids whose parents dictate when and how much they should eat tend to lose touch with their natural feeling of having had enough. Overeating then becomes a major problem.

When she asks for a seconds, tell her to get in touch with how her stomach feels. Ask her to rate her hunger and full levels on a scale of zero to 10. Ten means she is too full. Zero means she is totally empty. Never get completely empty. This could trigger a need to overeat. She should eat until she is just satisfied, not full. (Never get hungrier than a level two and never eat past a level eight).

At her age, exercise should not be a job. It should be fun, free and expressive. Encourage enjoyment of body movement as with team sports, dance, or just running around feeling the joy of being a kid.

You may want to go to Amazon.com and purchase the book, Success for the Diet Dropout: Strategies for Women Who Want to Stop Hating Their Bodies You will find many additional helpful strategies.

Cigarettes Gone, But Weight Is On

Dear Dr. Nikki,

I quit smoking eight months ago and gained weight quickly. I don’t believe I replace cigarettes with food. I eat very much the same foods and I exercise three to five times a week. I’ve heard that your body changes somehow when you quit, and I wonder if I’ll ever get back to being able to lose weight the way I could in the past. Before I quit smoking, I had just lost 16 pounds and was feeling great. Now I’m two to three sizes larger and feeling bad. If you have any advice, I would appreciate it very much.

Thanks,

P.P

Dear P.P.,

Research shows that your metabolism changes when you quit smoking. In time, your metabolism should readjust and normalize to its previous level. For some, it takes six months to one year.

You say that you eat the same foods, but do you eat them in the same amounts and at the same time of day? With food as plentiful as it is to Americans, eating can become so unconscious that it is often difficult to assess how much you consume unless you make a conscious choice to pay careful attention.

You mention that you have been able to lose weight in the past. From that, I infer that you have needed to do so more than once. This implies that you have a tendency to gain and lose weight. Perhaps it is not only your body size that is inconsistent, but also your eating patterns. No shame in this; just a need for rigorous honesty.

Work with your bad feelings so that you don’t become an emotional eater. Often, the frustration trying to change body size leads to the tendency to use food as a negative outlet.

Feeling bad about body size is an American nightmare. Check yourself to be sure you haven’t fallen into this destructive thought pattern. If so, techniques in the book, Success for the Diet Dropout: Proven Strategies for Woman Who Want to Stop Hating Their Bodies, can help you overcome it. (You can purchase it on Amazon.com)

Checking your weight on a scale can create problems. It takes you down the path of a distorted body image and ultimate destruction. Women caught up in this unreliable means to determine success often end up feeling bad and gaining at the losing game.

Don’t trust feelings either. Try goal-supporting behaviors as a measure of success, and save those subjective feelings for the next romance novel.

Goal-supporting behavior simply means that you put your focus on the behavior, rather than on the results. If you meet the behavior requirements, you have succeeded.

Eat healthfully 90 percent of the time and exercise moderately; say two to five times per week for 30 minutes. Let your body find its natural size and enjoy living.

How to Spook Away Cravings for Sweets

Spooked by the urge to gobble all the Halloween candy? Want to exorcise the demons?

Food is appealing, in part, because we make images in our mind’s eye about how good it looks. We remember how enjoyable it tasted and bring it all back in living color. Remember Pavlov’s dogs?

Want to stop drooling? If you don’t want to be called Rover then stop being a Hoover, (vacuum that is!) Use these tricks and leave the treats for your tiny little ghosts and goblins.

Close your eyes and picture chocolate, (or any candy you crave). Chances are you see a colorful inviting picture. Now make the picture in black and white. Does it change its appeal? Change the perspective even more. Make the picture half the size and push it to the other side of the room. Watch your desire disappear.

Parents Can Help Daughters Like Themselves

Dr. Nikki’s Soapbox

As I walked past the bedroom door, I overheard my daughter and friends talking.

Yuk, look how fat I am, Ashley said

You’re not fat. Look how big my stomach is, replied Courtney, with a tone of competition.

They nearly knocked me over as they ran past me in the hall to the full-length mirror in order to validate their findings.

I threw in my two cents as I peered on. Young women are supposed to be round and curvy. It makes you soft and cuddly, I said.

Well some of my friends aren’t, said Courtney, with a tone of jealousy. They’re straight and flat,"

That’s because they’re only 12 years old and haven’t developed yet, I replied.

Oh, said Courtney.

As I listened to their ongoing negative body comparisons, I couldn’t help but hear an underlying spirit of satisfaction. Ah! The rituals that bond! What diet are you on? How much weight did you lose? What food are you allowed on this diet or that?

At about 12 years old, girls begin such insane body bashing rituals. Daughters overhear mothers mutter to themselves as they eye their image in the mirror. They curse their bulging belly and sagging breasts and they unknowingly pass on these negative values.

Do women realize they indoctrinate each other this way? Is this a rite of passage secretly interwoven into the female culture like belonging to a sorority? Do they pick at each other with satisfaction, like gorillas that poke at each other’s fur with fingers and teeth in order to bond?

Is there a secret oath with which we keep each other from feeling too good about ourselves and maintain the pecking order? Since we can’t be the skinniest or the most beautiful, can we outrank each other at being the worst and, I suffer the most on my diet hierarchy?

When do you know if you are thin enough? Are any curves OK, or do we keep dieting until we banish them all to curve heaven?

Can we save our daughters from this fate? Can we find beauty in imperfections? What do you say when your 12 year-old daughter says she’s fat?

Do you give her the obligatory you’re not fat and secretly hope she doesn’t grow up to have your thick thighs?

If we appreciated our natural body, would we abuse ourselves less with excess food?

Trade in your typical New Year’s resolution to lose weight. Reach out and hug every ounce of your daughter’s natural body. Find what is likable about your own. Respect your perfectly imperfect body. Do this and I’ll bet my bottom dollar, you’ll stop wanting that extra helping of food. You’ll like yourself more, you’ll enjoy life more and you’ll lose interest in food that doesn’t support your well-being.

Mom Regrets Pushing Daughter to Diet

Dear Dr. Nikki,

I read your column about how a mother can best help her bulimic daughter with support. You said that it is the girl’s struggle not the mother’s. I’m afraid I may have made a terrible mistake. My daughter has been overweight since she was 8. I have tried everything to get her to diet and slim down. Nothing has worked and the more I try to help, the worse she seems. I think I have alienated her. Is there anything I can do now to fix things?

Mom who messed up

Dear Mom,

Yes. You have taken the first step. Now move back. Excessive attention toward someone’s weight sends negative messages. It says, Your body is unacceptable and you must change it. Your intentions may be good, but the result is still the same; feeling rejected.

Often, mothers project their own poor body image on to their daughters. It is hard to separate your feelings about yourself from your feelings about your daughter.

Explore your own attitudes. How do you view your weight? Is it never good enough? Do you feel you can’t control it, or do you obsessively control it? Do you berate yourself for your own food habits or are you overly strict with yourself?

Find ways to feel better about yourself. If you’re