On a Dark Wave, Floundering: Poetry, Prose and Fiction on Life with Mental Illness

By Rachel Tonks Hill

On the 4th of February 2017, I decided I was going to kill myself.

 

In the end, I didn't go through with it. I told people what I had planned and we worked to get me the help I needed. I got medication that worked, attended therapy and poked into the root causes of my mental health issues.

 

Slowly but surely, I started down the path towards recovery.

 

Every single one of the pieces in this book has been written in the first year of my recovery from that precipice. Every single one of the pieces in this book has been part of that recovery. These pieces talk very frankly about my depression, my anxiety, my suicide ideation and my mental health.

 

Having such intensely personal work out there in the world is cathartic for me. It's part of my recovery to be open about what I've been through. I really, truly believe in living as transparently and openly as possible, especially as a writer, and when the subject is mental illness, it feels even more important.

 

If being open and honest about my own pain can reduce the stigma surrounding mental health even slightly, then I feel it's my duty to do so. And if a single person sees themself in my account, if I can help even a single person with my story, then it will have been well worth putting these words out into the world.

 

If you're reading this because you're where I was a year ago, I want you to know that this doesn't have to be the end. It can get better.

 

I want you to know that. The fact that I'm still here to put this book out a year after wanting to kill myself is proof of that.

 

I'm not a medical professional. I'm not a counsellor or a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

 

But I am a writer.

 

So I wrote about my experiences, how it felt to be in that situation, how it felt as I recovered. And now I'm sharing it with you, in the hope it might help when you need it most.

 

My twitter DMs and email inbox are always open to anyone who needs to talk. Always.

 

And if you feel that this book can help you get through your own pain but you don't have the money to buy it, get in touch at tonks at racheltonkshill dot com.

 

This book will always be free to those who truly need it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rachel Tonks Hill
• Release date: Feb 3, 2018
• ISBN: 9798201306021

Rachel Tonks Hill

Rachel Tonks Hill always wanted to be either a doctor or writer when she grew up. Her first novel, On the Rise, was released in 2016, having been written alongside her doctoral thesis. While having a novel out fulfills the “writer” part of her dream, she hopes this doesn’t mean she has to grow up. Rachel lives in Nottingham with her partner and insufficient dogs.

Book preview

ON A DARK WAVE, FLOUNDERING

poetry, prose and fiction on life with mental illness

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Rachel Tonks Hill

Copyright © 2018 by Rachel Tonks Hill

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

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www.racheltonkshill.com

To John, for being there when I needed him.

And to everyone else who helped me get through this.

Content Warning

This book contains frank discussion of depression, anxiety and self harm, as well suicide ideation and attempts. Please look after yourself and take care if any of these subjects are difficult for you.

Contents

Introduction

Resources

My Depression Is Not A Black Dog

Sleepless Night

Broken

Anxiety

I Do Not Bleed

Addiction

Depression

Itch In My Fingers

This Is Depression

Suicide Ideation

Scars On My Sskin

Blood On My Hands

Suic(AI)de Prevention

Healing/Hope

About The Author

Other Books By The Author

Introduction

On the 4th of February 2017, I decided I was going to kill myself.

That decision was the culmination of months of deteriorating mental health and came at the end of a very difficult week. I have suffered from depression for years and I can honestly say it was one of the worst moments in my entire life.

I remember that day very strangely, parts of it clear and sharp in my mind, remembered in high definition while other parts are blurry or even blank. What I do remember is making the decision early in the day and trying to carry on as normal.

Which given that I was at work, was even more difficult than you might imagine.

I remember deciding on how I was going to do it, and double checking the odds of success against other methods. I remember thinking about the notes I would write to my loved ones, going through what I wanted to say at the same time as smiling at customers and colleagues.

I remember getting home and deliberately keeping it from my husband because I knew he would try to stop me. I don’t want to go into more detail than that because it is neither necessary nor helpful, to myself or you, the reader, but I do need you to know I was deadly serious about ending my life

In the end, I didn’t go through with it, as you can tell by the fact I’m still here to write these words in January 2018.

The reason for that is simple: I had unexpected company that night. The kind of company that keeps you talking into the wee hours of the morning, long after it would have been sensible to be in bed. The kind of company that draws you in and sets you at ease and doesn’t push. The kind of company it feels possible to open up to about what you’d planned, to confess everything to.

I don’t know if I would have gone through with it had I been alone. That is knowledge that is lost to time. But I do know that not being alone that night stopped me from going through with it.

This person