My Perfect Husband’s Life: A Story of Love, Sexual Addiction, and Betrayal

By Sophia Satyana

At 56, my life as I knew it was over. I knew I would never be the same person again. Even the past as I knew it would be forever changed, different from the truth I knew it to be. The future would definitely be changed. One event can change everything.

My world came crashing down all around me. What do you do when you are married to someone, and you realize you do not know him? He was not the person you thought he was after 21 years of marriage and knowing him for 35 years.

Life really is so precious. We truly never know if we are going to take that next breath or not. In an instant, this life could be over. Even though my conscious mind knows all of this, it is entirely different to live it. To know it as your reality, when your life changes in an instant with no warning, you have no choice but to live it.

This is a love story...the story of the love of my life, of what I thought was true love. It is a story of loss; the sudden loss of the life of my husband, loss of the illusion of what I thought and believed the marriage was...loss of me and what I thought my life was, and ultimately the story of the deepest of betrayals from my soulmate.

It is the true story of the secret life I found out my husband had been living our whole marriage. I found this out after his death. It was a nightmare I could not wake up from...and I was afraid that I never would.

And so the story of this last year of my life begins...

I am writing this book to share my story and experience with others. My hope is that it can help other people who are in similar situations. These can be in situations of love, loss, grief, betrayal, addictions, deceit, denial, and shock, any or all of these things. Sometimes it helps just to know that others have gone through something similar, and you are not the only one. It can help to know that someone lived through it, healed through it, and has come to the other side of it. At times, this can seem impossible and overwhelming. It did to me.

I believe that things and synchronicities come to us when we are open to see and feel them. This book is for those people who are ready to see truth, to trust their intuition, to look at themselves and their own life and relationships. May this be a synchronicity for you and your life.

If I can help wake up those that are ready to awaken, to see, and live in truth, then my story and what I have been through is not in vain. I know it can help and heal more than just me. May this book heal you and also your life. I believe anything is possible, and that everyone can be healed.

May we each add our sparks of light and love to the world. Everything we have ever gone through matters. It all got us to this point, right here, right now.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sophia Satyana
• Release date: Jul 18, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310389979

Sophia Satyana

Sophia Satyana, author, healer and teacher, resides in beautiful, magical Sedona, AZ. Nature, walks with her dog in the red rocks, travel, reading, movies, gardening, art, and music, and writing her next book fill her days.Born and raised in a small town in the Midwest, she worked and put herself through the University of Wisconsin-Madison, majoring in Art Education. After graduation she taught Art (Grades K-8) in an ‘inner city’ school in Phoenix for 11 years.Though Sophia loved the desert and mountains of the Southwest, she moved back to the Midwest to marry her husband and lived there until his recent death. Leaving her corporate management position in Customer Service, Sophia pursued the world of Energy Work and Healing.She is a certified Reiki Master Teacher, skilled in personal and distance healing. Angel Healing, Crystal Healing, Past Life Healing, Animal Healing, and other modalities are used in her practice.The ThetaHealing® technique, and Teacher Certification trainings are at the core of her current work. In 2010 she spent the summer in Idaho taking alloffered teacher training classes with the founder of the ThetaHealing® technique, Vianna Stibal. Sophia holds a Certificate of Science in the ThetaHealing® technique.You may contact the author at: [e-mail]

Book preview

Acknowledgements

I would first like to thank my first responder earth angels that were there to help me the first couple of weeks after my husband’s death; Paula, Margaret, and my niece. A big thank-you goes to my parents, my sisters, my nieces and nephew, and to my friend, Rhonda. You held things together until I could get home and helped with so many things; I could not have done this without you. You all continued to help each step of the way. I will not forget your kindness, love, and support during this time.

Important in my healing process this past year were my spiritual teachers and healers, Vianna Stibal, Maggie, and Bettina. Without my spiritual connection, I could not have made it through this as I did.

I would like to thank the many friends who listened endlessly to me this past year, Gisele, Paula, Margaret, and Rhonda. Your ears were so important in my healing process. You were with me each step of the way. I will never forget you.

I would like to thank and acknowledge Bettina Madini for the beautiful painting she did of the Phoenix on the cover of this book. The minute I saw it I knew it was symbolic of my life, especially the last year. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of art I have seen. A print of the painting is in my living room forever.

Lastly, I would like to thank the ‘girls’ at the spa who took care of me physically and emotionally with haircuts, massages, bodywork, and other physical and emotional gifts. You women will always hold a special place in my heart.

My spiritual team, my council of light, my guides, and angels, and all the ascended masters and angels and divine beings of light who worked with me this past year, and are still working with me through this book, and my connection to the Creator of All That Is, I am so grateful for all of you in my life.

I would never have gotten through this past year without all of you.

This book is dedicated to all the people in the world who are willing to look at the truth in their own lives and in others, who are willing to break the cycles of secrecy, abuse, and addiction. May we all shine our light brightly to illuminate the planet, one person, and one step at a time.

Introduction

I am writing this book to share my story and experience with others. My hope is that it can help other people who are in similar situations. These can be in situations of love, loss, grief, betrayal, addictions, deceit, denial, and shock, any or all of these things. Sometimes it helps just to know that others have gone through something similar, and you are not the only one. It can help to know that someone lived through it, healed through it, and has come to the other side of it. At times, this can seem impossible and overwhelming. It did to me.

I believe that things and synchronicities come to us when we are open to see and feel them. This book is for those people who are ready to see truth, to trust their intuition, to look at themselves and their own life and relationships. May this be a synchronicity for you and your life.

If I can help wake up those that are ready to awaken, to see, and live in truth, then my story and what I have been through is not in vain. I know it can help and heal more than just me. May this book heal you and also your life. I believe anything is possible, and that everyone can be healed.

May we each add our sparks of light and love to the world. Everything we have ever gone through matters. It all got us to this point, right here, right now.

Prologue

At 56, my life as I knew it was over. I knew I would never be the same person again. Even the past as I knew it would be forever changed, different from the truth I knew it to be. The future would definitely be changed. One event can change everything.

My world came crashing down all around me. What do you do when you are married to someone, and you realize you do not know him? He was not the person you thought he was after 21 years of marriage and knowing him for 35 years.

Life really is so precious. We truly never know if we are going to take that next breath or not. In an instant, this life could be over. Even though my conscious mind knows all of this, it is entirely different to live it. To know it as your reality, when your life changes in an instant with no warning, you have no choice but to live it.

This is a love story…the story of the love of my life, of what I thought was true love. It is a story of loss; the sudden loss of the life of my husband, loss of the illusion of what I thought and believed the marriage was…loss of me and what I thought my life was, and ultimately the story of the deepest of betrayals from my soulmate.

It is the true story of the secret life I found out my husband had been living our whole marriage. I found this out after his death. It was a nightmare I could not wake up from…and I was afraid that I never would.

And so the story of this last year of my life begins…

Part One: The Story

Chapter 1 - The Shock

When I arrived at the urgent care in Santa Fe, New Mexico, I was having heart palpitations, and my blood pressure was 195/105. This was very unusual for me. It had been building up for several days; each day the symptoms got worse. I started to have a lot of fear and actual thoughts that I was dying. I could not figure out why this was happening. It felt surreal like it was not really happening, but it was.

I decided to cut my time short in Taos, drive back to Santa Fe, and go to urgent care there close to where I was staying. I was hoping I could make the drive.

The doctor at urgent care did not seem too alarmed and did not do any tests, just blood work. He said to make an appointment with my regular doctor. The BP was a bit lower this afternoon but not by a lot. He did not know why the blood pressure suddenly elevated. He gave me a beta-blocker until I could see my regular doctor.

I went to check out and the nurse said I could not leave. A police officer wanted to see me in a private room. My first thought was that I had been speeding, driving back from Taos to Santa Fe; I probably was at some point. Then I asked if someone hit my car in the parking lot? She did not know and took me into an empty room. I waited for a long five minutes before the police officer came in. I was trying to think of why he would want to see me and realized maybe something serious happened. Someone in my family? My parents? But why wouldn’t one of my sisters call me, or one of my nieces or nephews? No, one of my sisters would have called me.

Oh, my God, my husband…No, it could not possibly be him. I just talked to him a couple of days ago. He was fine, and I was going to call him tonight. I felt that my body started to go into some kind of an altered state. I was aware and coherent, yet my body was bracing itself for the shock to come. Had it been doing that all week? Was I vaguely aware of this all week? Some part of me said yes. Another part of me was confused. I did not understand what was going on. I had these odd feelings and thoughts that did not seem like mine, and yet I was having these very real physical symptoms and felt fear and confusion.

I thought of the last time I talked to my husband about three days ago. I had driven up to Taos from Santa Fe and said I would call him that night. I got busy and was unpacking and forgot. He called me later to make sure I was ok and I said I was sorry that I had forgotten to call him earlier. I felt bad and said, we could talk now, but it was after nine his time and he said that it was okay to talk in a couple of days. I said ok, but felt like I wanted to talk to him then. I knew it was late and he went to bed early. I had a strong feeling I needed to talk to him though. It was odd and I did not know why. Did something in me know this was the last time I would talk to him? I left a message on our home phone a couple of hours ago telling him where I was and that I was getting my blood pressure checked out.

The police officer walked in with a very somber face. Oh no, this was not going to be good, whatever it was. My heart started to flutter. I did not want to hear it. It was a moment of knowing my life would never be the same after this moment in time. I knew it had to be something bad.

I took a deep breath and said, It’s my husband, isn’t it?

Yes.

Was he in an accident?

No, he paused... I’m sorry. He died suddenly this morning.

I stopped breathing. I immediately put both hands on my heart. I could not talk. This was the worst possible news I could hear. I went into shock. Time stood still.

Finally, I asked, How did he die?

He had a massive heart attack.

At work?

No, at home, before he went into work. If it’s any consolation, it was quick, and he didn’t suffer.

Who found him, and what happened?

The officer explained that when my husband did not show up for work, they knew something was wrong. After a couple of hours of not getting a hold of him, Tim, a man he had worked closely with, volunteered to go to the house and check things out. He had been to our house several times and was familiar with our dog. He found him downstairs and called 911.

I said, What about our dog?

Tim has her. I have his number and a couple of other work numbers to give you. Do you have anyone to call to come and get you?

I don’t know. I don’t live here, but my niece is here and I have a good friend that lives here.

He said, The coroner would like you to call him. They have the body and need to know what to do with it. I have the phone number of the man at work that found him.

I could not believe this all happened today, and I did not know anything about it. I told the coroner to take Tom’s body to the funeral home where Tom’s parents went when they died. I could not believe this. I was in shock, running on automatic. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew I was there but I did not really feel there; I felt detached. Part of me had broken off. I was afraid; I did not know what to do. Someone was going to have to tell me what to do.

I called my friend Paula, and there was no answer. Then I called my niece Amanda, and she answered. I could not cry yet; I was in shock. I could not believe what had happened earlier in the day and I did not even know about it until now, mid-afternoon. It all seemed unreal to me. I was going through motions but not really here. My voice and body were on automatic.

I closed my eyes and said, Amanda, I have some very bad news. I will just say it. It’s Tom. He died of a heart attack this morning. I just found out.

Silence. Neither of us knew what to say.

I said, Could you call your mom and have her call Teresa?

She said, Yes, I’ll come over after work in a couple of hours.

The police officer followed me home. I was only a couple miles from home. I was driving but I do not remember driving or getting home. All I can say is that I was on automatic and in shock. When we arrived, he gave me the phone numbers I needed, and I walked back up to my condominium. I was having trouble breathing. I just could not believe this was true, and I had no idea what to do. We lived in Illinois and both of our families were there. I was in New Mexico, where I had been coming the last several winters to teach my classes. I would have to fly back, but I was not feeling well myself. I had not been feely well or myself in the last week or so and could not figure out why. Now I knew why.

Then I thought, oh my God, the symptoms I had been feeling, they were Tom’s! I suddenly knew it. We were so connected. It did not really surprise me. I usually do not feel other people’s symptoms, but I think my soul knew that my soulmate was leaving this earth. The love of my life was no longer on this earth. It did not seem real. He was my soul mate, my friend, and my lover. This was not part of the plan. He was just in his mid-50’s, the same age as me; too young to die. We had so many plans for the future and retirement. He was not going to get to experience any of it. How was I going to go on with my life? How could I? It did not seem possible. I never imagined living the rest of my life without him.

So many things were going through my mind. Thoughts of the last time I saw Tom and talked to him. I had thoughts of when I was just home over the holidays. So many emotions and feelings were going through my body. I felt like I was floating in a dream or something. I guess I was in shock and only going through the motions. All my plans included him. My future included him. He was the other part of me; he was my partner in life. I had never been in shock like this before and probably never would again in my life. He was too young; I was too young. This could not really be happening. Maybe I was dreaming this because of the symptoms I had been having, I would wake up, and it would not be true. I was hoping this was true.

I thought back over the last month when I went back to Illinois for a month over the holidays. I had been in New Mexico teaching classes in October and November. Tom took a week of vacation in January to spend with me before I went back to New Mexico. It was so cold, and there was so much snow we could not do much, but I thought it was nice he wanted to take time off to be with me. I sensed something was wrong. Tom seemed very quiet and withdrawn over the holidays, not himself. I asked him if he was feeling okay, and he had said, Yes. I asked if anything was bothering him, and he said, No. He got me a new Iphone for Christmas. It seemed very important to him that I had all phone numbers entered and current. He had this done before I came back, and it was all ready for me to use. He said I needed a dependable phone in case of an emergency.

Did he know he was dying? I did not think he looked good at all. In fact, I told him I felt like his life force was leaving his body. He seemed robotic, troubled, not himself. He gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years, and he looked puffy and very tired. I begged him to go to the doctor, but he never did. He went once about six years ago and said he got a clean bill of health. That was very hard to believe. I was very worried about his health. His diet was very unhealthy. He had no interest in changing his diet or doing any kind of exercise.

He must have been having symptoms and that must have been what I was feeling. Why wouldn’t he do something about the symptoms? They were very scary to me. I could not understand him not going to the doctor or not saying anything to me if he was not feeling well. It did not make sense. If he was having symptoms and not feeling right, I could not understand why he would not say anything to me or go to the doctor to be checked out.

I had a feeling that something was very wrong for about the last year or possibly two. Tom did not seem himself. He seemed devoid of feeling; as if he was just moving through life but did not really care. He did not talk of the future at all. He seemed stressed, which was unlike him. He