Diary of The Depressed Moose

By Garry Williams

A diary of a man and his struggle with depression. Diary of The Depressed Moose chronicles the first six weeks of dealing with mental health issues by writing a blog and using my writing as a form of therapy to help myself and others.
Showing the ups and downs that depression brings the book offers a personal story and insight into how depression can take a hold of someone's life.
Not written as a self help book it is really more of an invitation to come along for the adventure that depression, anxiety and mental heath illnesses can bring.
Hopefully this book will inspire other men out there to seek help and admit they have depression or any other mental health illness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Garry Williams
• Release date: Aug 10, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476405667

Garry Williams

33 year old man suffering with high intensity depression and anxiety. Decided one day to start blogging about my battle in the hope of helping others feel like they were not alone in dealing with these problems and that it is ok to talk about depression. Suddenly I am writing books on depression and hopefully helping to show how much having depression can affect people.

Book preview

March 2012

There is a strange sense of calm around my apartment, not a soul around apart from me. No wife and no children here, just me alone with my thoughts and the demons that plague me. The silence is deafening, almost as if the only noise heard was the sound of my brain telling me that I can’t take anymore and the easiest way out is to look to the window for my answer.

Slowly the window opens and I peer over and look at the view below, anxious to know if the height is enough to end the misery, pain and suffering I am cursed with. I live on the third floor of my apartment building so there is a long drop but is it long enough? I guess only time will tell…

Years of feeling this way have finally taken its toll and I push the window wide open and climb up onto the ledge. My mind is empty. No thoughts of my beautiful wife and children, how they would cope with me not being around, who would find me and the effect it would have on that person for the rest of their life. All I wanted was the end to come and to come quickly, to not feel so useless, like a failure, constantly miserable and above everything else, the feeling of emptiness inside me. I was walking around, going through the motions everyday, becoming almost like a shell of the man I used to be.

So there I was. One leg on the window sill, the other one primed and ready to join it. The end was near and I was prepared to take the leap that would the last thing I ever did. Something pulled me back. It was like there was someone alongside me, slapping me in the face till I regained my senses. Suddenly, I was back in the room closing the window, tears streaming down my face. Minutes later my wife and daughter came home and I was back to reality and somewhat relieved.

I resolved that night to do the brave thing and seek help from my Doctor, to stop hiding everything away and let it come to the surface. When the time came to see him I was almost relieved when he told me I was suffering from High Intensity Depression. I was started on a course of anti-depressants and could start my recovery.

The next few months were spent in a haze as I began to cope with the medication and find the strength to battle my way back from the brink. Like a bolt from the blue, I suddenly felt the urge to start writing a blog about my depression with the intention of helping other people in the same situation but more importantly, a way of helping myself.

This book contains my thoughts and feelings from my first 6 weeks as a blogger and self appointed crusader for depressed people everywhere. I hope you feel inspired by them and that they can help you, or someone you know, overcome depression and deal with your problems, safe in the knowledge that you are not alone.

June 17th

Depression and Me

So after a few years of feeling down and not myself I went to my Dr and had a long chat with him about my feelings and thoughts.

It got me thinking about why men in general find talking about these things either with a partner or health care professional. I wish I had done this earlier but there seems to be a stigma about mental health issues and men. Guessing it’s the old we are men and don’t need help issue.

I must admit I had thought about going to my Dr for at least 2 years before I actually went because I had the same don’t need help feelings but I got inspiration from, of all places, Stan Collymore on twitter having seen a lot of his posts about depression.

If someone high-profile like an ex professional footballer suffers from this, and not just Stan as Dean Windass has had his problems too, then it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this and here I am 3 months into a course of antidepressants and starting to see the light as it were in terms of feeling better.

So where does that leave me? Well I am 34 this year and have spent the best part of 2 years unemployed during that time I cared for my uncle Ron who also suffered from depression, amongst other things. After a long period of ill-health he passed away on 30th June 2011 and it left me feeling empty. I can never forget the look he gave me from his hospital bed when I said goodbye for the last time. It was as if he knew it was the last time we would see each other again and it still haunts me to this day. I am fairly spiritual so believe he is now looking over me and my children and in a better place but I still wish I could forget that look!

Now I have the issue of trying to find a job that would inspire me, excite me and motivate me but, and this is the big question, WHAT?? Surely at my age I should have an idea of what I want to do but as it stands I have no idea!  Added to that is the problem of people looking at my CV and seeing how long I have been out of work and that doesn’t inspire people to employ me. Maybe I should become a politician they seem to be well paid for little work and that would suit me to the ground

June 18th

More about Depression

Why am I writing this blog? Well to be honest I am not 100% sure! I would like to think that lots of people will read my words and have an eureka moment and realise that depression is something that doesn’t care about class, gender, wealth or any social status. Maybe your reading this and thinking this sounds like me and how I feel if I could help one person then I feel justified in writing and, if no one reads this whatsoever then at the very least I am helping myself.

I used to be the annoying person who was always bubbly, cracking jokes, taking the piss and where ever there was a line I was always the person on the wrong side of it, right or wrong my mouth was saying things before my brain could engage it. Over the last few years I could sense my whole personality changing into someone who now rarely leaves home unless I really put lots of effort into it, aside from the daily trek to my Tesco Express store. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been out socializing in the last 3 years and still have 3 fingers spare!

Feeling emotional all the time was a new sensation for me I remember sitting down to watch the film A League of Their Own and come the end of the film I had tears streaming down my face, was it because of the acting? Who knows but I found myself welling up over sad films or even emotional TV shows like The Locator. I am hoping the wife still believes I had something in my eye!

Tiredness is a big issue for me and I know it drives the wife mad as well on an average day I don’t wake up till around 11.30am yet I have no energy to do anything, By 2/3pm I’m ready for another sleep for a couple of hours and by the time I wake up again the day is almost gone. Some days I do make the effort to go out even just to the shops but when I get home I’m exhausted! Come bedtime it’s almost 3am and the cycle starts again.

Probably the biggest issue for me is the feelings of being useless and a failure. Since leaving school 15 years ago I have been unemployed more than in work! I have been made redundant 5 times from companies that have gone bust and the self loathing I feel is difficult for me to overcome.

I want to be able to provide for my wife and kids, having teenage boys is not easy in today’s brand name world and not being able to get the best names or coolest gadgets for your kids is hard when all their friends have better things. Christmas time is never one of my favourite times watching the kids faces drop when