The Greatest Novel Ever Written: romance, #2

By John Blandly

Bernie and Margie, a love story, plus, leitmotif, subliminal messages, and a multiple choice quiz on the meaning of life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: RoryMacbeth
• Release date: Aug 13, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393229483

John Blandly

John Blandly is an artist, actor, songwriter and filmmaker from upstate New York.

Book preview

THE GREATEST NOVEL EVER WRITTEN

by John Blandly

Copyright © 2019 by J. J. Brearton

AvantLifeGuard Books

All Rights and Wrongs Reserved

Imprimatur

Nihil Obstat

"This is truly a fantastic work of literature. Blandly has really outdone himself. I love his book, The Greatest Novel Ever Written, and highly recommend it."

—William Shakespeare, author of such fine plays as Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1—Belfaroni’s

Chapter 2—Piscawen Weedwacker Dilemma

Chapter 3—The Robust Economy Is Due More to Wives And Children Than Any Smart Economist

Chapter 4-A Walk On The Wild Side

Chapter 5-Do Stories About Chipmunks Need To Be Immortalized?

Chapter 6-Rent-A-Cat

Chapter 7-New England Journal Of Stupidity

Chapter 8-Psycho Madmen, The Movie

Chapter 9-A Way Out

Chapter 10-Bermuda Triangle

Chapter 11-The Last Lawyer In America

Chapter 12-Rent-A-Wife

Chapter 13-Missing Hammer? Get Used To It

Chapter 14—Cosmic Ray Problem?

Chapter 15—New York Interview

Chapter 16—War Weary

Chapter 17—Ms. President

Chapter 18—Pull Over Dress Shirt

Chapter 19-Jack Sizzle, Rock Star Detective

Chapter 20—How To Live With A Wife: Your Questions Answered

Chapter 21-The Wit And Wisdom Of Psycho-Maniacs

Chapter 22-Air Crash Today!

Chapter 23—Murder Of Crows

Chapter 24—Viagra Issue

Chapter 25—Lobsters

Chapter 26—The Disadvantaged

Chapter 27—The Trojan Horse

Chapter 28—The Cleaning Lady Again: The Beginning

Chapter 29—Christmas Shopping

Chapter 30—Wooly Mammoth Extirpation

Chapter 31—Drooling Cleanup Hitters

Chapter 32—A List Of The Greatest Lust Books Of All Time

Chapter 33—Bobby The Ghostwriter In Columbia County

Chapter 34—The Save

Chapter 35-Key To Meaning Of Life

Chapter 36—The Meaning Of Life

Chapter 37-The Actor

Chapter 38—The P. M. M. A.

Chapter 39—The Stupidity Test

Chapter 40-The Cohoes Mastodon Speaks

Chapter 41—Lady Golfer Fiasco

Chapter 42—On Men And Women

Chapter 43—How To Be A State Worker

Chapter 44—Blurbs

Chapter 45—Dr. Bollinks, Cat Psychiatrist

Chapter 46—You Can Be A Hitman Too

Chapter 47—On The Fearsome J. D. Salinger

Chapter 48—1704 Et Seq (WMHT Art Auction)

Chapter 49—Trying To Keep Track Of Wife’s Questions While Analyzing Her Dreams

Chapter 50—Christmas With The Wal Mart Guys

Chapter 51—You Fifteen Minutes Of Fame, Mathematically Explained

Chapter 52—About The Author

Chapter 53—Comet And Asteroid Insurance Policy

Chapter 54—National Car Repair Day

Chapter 55—Countries-R-Us

Chapter 56—We Do Not Go Gently

Chapter 57—Thanks For The Vasectomy

Chapter 58—There Are Two Kinds Of People

Chapter 59—Afraid Of Flying?

Chapter 60—Golf With Sizzle

Chapter 61—Jack Sizzle, Attorney

Chapter 62—Bernie And Margie

Chapter 8943—Untitled

Chapter 8944—Bullet Points

Chapter 8945—The Celts

Chapter 8946—New Holy Days Of Obligation

Chapter 8947—Laid–Off Reindeer Looking For Work

Chapter 8948-Vacation

Chapter 8949-How To Be A Best Man

Chapter 8950-Guys Who Knit

Chapter 8951-Naked Poems In 3-D

Chapter 8952—Hollywood Poets Beware!

Chapter 8953—Heavy Metal Narcissist

Chapter 8954—How to Walk on Water

Chapter 8955-Rejection Slip

INTRODUCTION

After Philip Roth wrote The Great American Novel (it wasn’t Portnoy’s Complaint, by the way, although that was a valiant effort) I was chagrined.  I don’t know what chagrined means, but it sounds a lot like how I felt, because I wanted to write The Great American Novel.

But I ultimately realized Roth did not go far enough.  He didn’t write The Greatest Novel Ever Written. It was then that I decided to write The Greatest Novel Ever Written.

Now, one may ask (two, even three may ask) how do you go about writing The Greatest Novel Ever Written?  Allow me to explain.

First, you get up very early in the morning, at say, nine o’clock. You put on the heaviest boots you have, grab your alarm clock, place it on the floor and stomp it to pieces.  Why?  Because time means nothing to you when you are writing The Greatest Novel Every Written. 

After obliterating your alarm clock, you stride ruthlessly to your desk (this assumes you have a desk—so, just for the sake of argument, let’s say you have a desk) pull back your chair (assuming you have one, following the same premise) and sit down.  You can even stand up, like Ernest Hemingway, if you have hemorrhoids or something.

Now that you are ready to write The Greatest Novel Ever Written you may ask, well, what comes next?  For me, it was the title.  I figured that the first thing you’d need is the title.  One of my mottos is: Don't screw around.  I figured if you’re going to write The Greatest Novel Ever Written, you might as well call it The Greatest Novel Ever Written. As a matter of fact, once you’ve done that, it really doesn’t matter what you write, it will always be The Greatest Novel Ever Written.  So, without further ado...

CHAPTER 1

Belfaroni's

Aaron and Bob met at Belfaroni’s, an Italian restaurant in the Hoolibasse section of downtown L.A., on 14th Street.

I think we should kill him, Bob said.

Yes, I know, Aaron said.

He’s just too old.

I know, but how?  I mean, how many people can you kill?  It doesn’t look right.

Right, Bob said. He thought for a second. Well, he could disappear.

Yes, he could disappear.

Shouldn’t it be more honest?

More honest?  Yes.  I like that.

You know, more true.  Like she just realizes he’s too old.

Right, and she tells Billy she just married him because Billy got married.

Right.  Just to prove...just to, kind of, like... practice.

Yeah, not to make him jealous.

Right.  The wife being pregnant and everything.

Yeah.  You know I like them best.  It’s always been the hottest.

Right.

Outside in a Jimmy’s Carpet Cleaning van, two detectives with headphones on huddled over a control panel.

Tony, a 20-year veteran, said, It’s nothing.

His partner, Jill, said, Nothing?

She was aghast. She couldn’t believe A Place For Us, her favorite daytime soap, would consider killing Billy off.

Chapter 2 

PISCAWEN WEEDWACKER DILEMMA

In what is, we hope, the final chapter in my rehabilitation, I have decided to come to terms with the fact that I may have stolen a weedwacker.

I was driving home down North Lake Avenue in Piscawen, N.Y. with my son Delmonico, when I noticed a weedwacker propped up against some old junk by the side of the road.

I have always wanted a weedwacker, but up to that point, had been deterred by the cost, maybe $100, to obtain such a luxurious power assisted lawn tool. As you know, they are used to eliminate those unsightly blades of grass growing against telephone poles, fences, the side of the house, whatever, that you can't get at with your lawnmower.

Now, I do not think of myself as a psychotic madman, despite hearing such descriptions about myself in the workplace and at home, mumbled within earshot, oh, no, I as yet do not believe I can share such lofty honors to which the fastidious neighbors of my former neighborhood are entitled. They mow their lawns in a zigzag, or crosshatch pattern, while riding supercharged air conditioned SUV snow blower golf cart mowers with wireless Internet service. Their lawns look kind of like plaid, hitherto only seen in major league baseball infields, or PGA tournament greens at Augusta. I was kicked out of that neighborhood due to my meager efforts at lawn care and landscaping. So, in my new locale, I strive for achievement.

No, I make great efforts to waver near the brink of insanity, by merely mowing the lawn in a circular pattern. I have done this for about 40 years and am now trying to turn over the sacred mowing duties to my lawn heir, Delmonico.

So, screeching to a halt alongside what appeared to be an abandoned weedwacker, I said to Delmonico, Del, that looks like an abandoned weedwacker!

The engine wheezed from such an abrupt stop.

It looks like they left it out to be picked up with the garbage, I added.

I got out of my Chevy, went over, looked at it quickly, then grabbed the contraption and brought it back to the car. I didn't want to linger too long, so that I might be recognized picking over other people's trash. I imagined the front-page photo with the inscription: Prominent Local Astronomer Seen Looking Through Neighbor's Garbage.

I figured that the people threw it out because it was broken. I thought I could at least invest in the cost of getting it repaired. Certainly the lovely wife could not protest such a thrifty plan. Granted, no one actually needs a weedwacker, but to find one for absolutely nothing, well, who in their right mind could pass up such an opportunity!

To my surprise, the weedwacker worked perfectly.

In the last two or three years I've had completely trouble-free use of the weedwacker. In fact, it has worked so well that I have had this gradually increasing, lingering uneasiness, as it has dawned on me that maybe the people hadn't been throwing it out, but had just left it there for a moment while they went inside for an extension cord, or a lemonade.

I have talked this over with Delmonico. Actually, to tell the truth, I probably didn't talk it over with him. Most likely, I just subjected him, like a prisoner being tortured, to a stream-of-consciousness ramble of nonsense, while he tried to borrow some money from me.

"Del, I think I may have actually stolen that weedwacker. It works so well, they couldn't have been trying to throw

Reviews for The Greatest Novel Ever Written

[Rory Macbeth · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Screenwriter in his own romcom
Recommended
Insightful
With commentary on the purpose of life and the meaning of life