Extraordinary Marriage: Practical Guide to Successful Relationships a Collection of Love & Life Articles Vol. 1

By Aidy Thomas

You probably did not think that marriage needed to be worked on for happiness to prevail.

In EXTRAordinary marriage, youll find articles with practical tips to help your marital challenges and encourage you to mature from mere feelings of love to loving by decision.

The searchlight beams on; celebrating your differences, understanding the differences between men and women, steps to marital bliss, sexual compatibility, give love-get submission, building self-confidence, parenting skills and taking responsibility for your happiness.

When you aim at relating with your spouse according to their dynamic and unique nature; making an extra effort to express love would be a lot easier.

This book has been written in an-easy-to-read format where every single unit is a complete lesson on its own. Reading it cover-to-cover will definitely provide answers to some of those questions you feel embarrassed to ask.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: May 10, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469198835

Aidy Thomas

Aidy Thomas is a writer, columnist, relationship adviser, and speaker at seminars, conferences, and events focused on youth, family, and relationships. Areas of academic exposure include: British College of Journalism, BA English, MA Mass Communication, etc. Her career in media and advertising, blended with passion for youth development, provides the motivation in writing inspirational articles, books that have impacted many and her online column: Love & Life, which has become a regular read. She is married to Mr. Ani Thomas, and they are blessed with three children—Emmanuel a.k.a. Divine, Toro, and Magnus. Website: www.loveandlifefocus.com Email: [e-mail]

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Copyright © 2012 by Aidy Thomas.

ISBN:          Softcover                                 978-1-4691-9882-8

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4691-9883-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

0-800-644-6988

www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk

[e-mail]

303968

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Why Articles?

WHAT IS LOVE?

MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN

Celebrating Differences

When to say I’m sorry

LISTENING IN LOVE

Attributes of Love

REALITY OF MARRIAGE

OVERCOMING SHADOWS

IS LOVE BLIND?

DOUBLE DATING

ROLE OF A HUSBAND/FATHER

ROLE OF A WIFE/MOTHER

WHY WE NAG

SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

LOVE EROSION

HAPPILY MARRIED

HANDLING DISAGREEMENTS

LOVE MEETS HARDSHIP

DIVORCE TRAP

Insecure spouse

MARRIAGE EXPEDITION

FIVE PILLARS OF MARRIAGE

SEX EDUCATION

THINGS THAT KILL LOVE

REASONS TO STAY MARRIED

STUCK IN THE PAST

POWER OF INFATUATION

BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

SPICE UP YOUR PARENTING SKILLS

LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE

END OF THE ROAD

GIVE LOVE, GET SUBMISSION

OVERREACTING

SHOW GRATITUDE

SECTION—2      QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:

I NEED TO KNOW

WONDERING EYEs

DATING A MARRIED WOMAN

MY MARRIAGE IS A PRISON-YARD

Medical examination before marriage

Live-in Lover

NEGLECTED

DIFFICULT IN-LAWS

Hard to chose

Unfaithful wife

Bibliography

This book is dedicated to . . .

My astute and loving mum, Emily Emmanuel of blessed memory who saw early in me the seed of greatness; went ahead to call me an author even when I had no clue of what putting a book together entailed. In her own words Loads of books and articles would come out of you.

My supportive and positive minded husband; Ani Thomas who believes so much in me and has provided a platform for my Love & Life practical experience.

Everyone who has decided to stay married; you give me the nerves to say marriage can work if you work on it.

Acknowledgements

What does a man have that he did not receive?

I cannot claim monopoly of wisdom and insight to this publication without expressing my profound gratitude to all marriage/relationship counsellors whose work, experience and research have been of immeasurable value to me. I have been inspired by great authors like Nancy Van Pelt, Gary Chapman, Jan Fraser, Joshua Harris and John Harrison to mention just a few.

Inspiring articles from the internet and people who have emptied themselves in conferences, articles, CDs, TV shows and a lot of other media have all combined to give the perk I needed to make it through. Support from my readers both online and in the print media over the years have been helpful; something to remember each time I was tempted to give up writing. Those who shared personal stories and experiences with me remain my learning threads on which I built confidence and experience to explore the expedition of marriage and relationships.

The idea to publish this work came from my former Boss—Senator Femi Ojudu who tirelessly encouraged me to explore another means to reach out to the world with my timely and invaluable counsel in the published Love & Life column.

My parents’ marriage laid this solid foundation for me. This was where I first saw a model marriage—it was almost everything you could ever desire in a home all in one place. I’m grateful to have a father like mine-Gabriel Emmanuel and my mum did not ignore her role.

I’m particularly thankful to my loving brothers—Gabriel (Jnr), O.G, Udom and Ekere Emmanuel who have stood by me throughout this project; my sister—Dr (Mrs) Sylvia Imoh, my sisters—in-law and my husband’s siblings who have been so nice to me.

I say a big thank you to the management and entire editorial team of PMNews; you offered me the platform and support I needed to express my talent.

Faiza, you gave me so much support, Martha & Agbo, Deola, other friends, colleagues and loved ones I cannot list all but I appreciate every single person who worked with me to make this dream a reality.

Our three sons—Emmanuel (a.k.a. Divine), Toro and Magnus amazingly understood and gave me the peace I needed to concentrate; they knew it was for a good purpose.

My husband and friend—Ani Thomas, thank you for inspiration and the love we share.

And to God be all the glory.

Introduction

The thought of putting this book together has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life. At first I felt—do I really need to do this? People have read loads of materials on marriage and all they wanted for a successful home would have been said. Suddenly, it struck me if they had done the ordinary and still had problems then putting ‘EXTRA’ effort might be the way out. True to the human nature is the fact that doing something extra is hard—we love to do what is convenient and easy. Anytime you have to work an extra hour or need to leave home earlier than usual, it births a bit of discomfort as you already have gotten used to a pattern of events on the contrary. Anything at all that takes us away from familiar terrain rings a stress bell. There was a time a friend of mine was ill and restricted from driving for a while, toward the close of my work hours she rang to say I should please drive down the other end of my route to get her some groceries. As much as I wanted to help, something in me wondered-why would she wait all day for me to do this when she’s got people with her at home and her husband was not even working at the time so he was home with her? In soliloquising I fathomed life gets better with doing an extra thing. Although I struggled initially, the joy that radiated as she saw me appear with lots of shopping bags; including the things she did not ask for lingers in my mind till now. How lovely it is to go an extra mile for love?

To everyone who genuinely signs up for marriage, there’s hope of getting the best out of it somewhere in their heart. But due to fear of failure, some seem to ‘play safe’-if it works, fine, if it doesn’t, life goes on. If you didn’t want it to work why bother your head in the first place? Even the most pessimistic fellow believes there is something unique about marriage if it is rightfully done.

The society at large seem to be working hard against the success of family union, what indeed should be protected and held in very high esteem. People who storm out of marital homes are praised and made popular-they are said to be brave and courageous, saying no to a relationship that never worked. Then you can’t stop asking ‘where is the patience that mends the fabric of marriage’? Why have people suddenly deleted ‘tolerance’ from their vocabulary? These were some of the values handed us by our dear parents and in them is embedded the assurance that we can really make things right if we persevere.

A great number of people find it pretty difficult to stand by their choice to be married. Why? At least I’m aware of the excitement that precedes wedding/marriage ceremonies but where it vanishes remains a wonder to me—where exactly does it start to go wrong and why don’t they see it slip?

You must be focused to be happily married even to the best angel of its kind. Yes, nice people are easier to live with but the big talk about marriage is tolerance; your ability to say no to unnecessary criticism, making up your mind to let the other person be and respecting the fact that you are different and came from different backgrounds. I can’t stop laughing at the ignorance of my teenage days when we dreamt of marrying our likes; playing the same games, watching same movies, eating and drinking just what the other party appreciates but suddenly we realised life would simply be boring.

Marriage is not all about uniformity, duplication or cloning but great couples are those different in some or all ways but with a desire to blend and be happy. You cannot spend the whole time trying to change an adult; do they need to be like you to be loved? Over time, you might influence each other as you continue to stay together but that business of forceful change is the beginning of frustration, resentment, anger, disappointment and regret; once regret sets in, infidelity looms and the success of the union becomes questionable.

No matter how much you think you have invested in your relationship going an extra mile in the right direction would give a safe landing. If she gets a little more attention, she might stop nagging. Who knows, if he receives a warm welcome he might start coming home early.

Little things add up to give great results—make a list of where/how to do more in your relationship and enjoy its benefit for life.

Why Articles?

The thought of what my mum said to me while I was a child—Loads of books and articles would come out of you stuck dormant in me for quite a while.

After many years of reading several books, I developed intense love for writing and discovered it was one thing in life I did without a struggle. The sight of a plain sheet of paper and pen was more enticing than a plate of delicious meal. I just loved to write but don’t ask me what I did with those materials.

I found pleasure in well written books, enjoyed nice story lines and embraced non-fiction as well. My excitement grew as I got to know that books were people’s life time experiences and thoughts put together for our lessons. You could learn so much from just reading what someone has presented; become wiser and enjoy better chances if positive principles are applied—thanks to my husband for the many gifts of books which made the difference. Most of the things people write did not come easy: they meandered; faltered and experimented with their own lives before the idea to do it right finally surfaced. What a privilege to be informed!

The things I discovered about marriage became too real to ignore. I wanted to talk to other people about the misconceptions we grew up with and the way they have wrecked marriages. Couples get angry for the wrong reasons, expect too much and when it does not come they become frustrated, demand love and respect at the expense of happiness, etc.

I was quick to encourage friends to hang in there. I knew the fantasies of romantic novels, movies and TV soaps were all too far from the real thing but somehow, I believed it was not so bad after all; If others could remain married, there must be a strong string attached to it.

Reaching out to weary lovers then became my inspiration. I knew lots of people wish they never married, some still think what they are experiencing is a dream, others feel trapped and helpless but the truth is—it is doable.

My weekly articles started coming as I read about, see or imagined the challenges experienced in marriage. I wanted to write something someone would read and give a sigh of relief how did she know I’m going through this? Or at least let them know they are not the first and only people to walk that ‘miserable’ road—just something real they could connect with. It was at this point the thought of exploring a soft sale as a medium of expression for my expression surfaced and ‘PM news’ became handy.

One long novel presentation has its own place and writing style but bringing in different unique scenarios captures the need of almost every life—you are likely to find a situation similar to yours and how others have handled theirs. It might not directly apply to you but you can borrow some tips to make your relationship better.

I wanted to encourage readership by bringing issues under short meaningful headings where you can derive satisfaction from each section without necessarily having to follow a single story all the way to the end. Loads of books lay on our shelves with only a few pages being touched.

Short stories appeal to most people because the more concise the presentation, the easier it is to read and comprehend. The application of diverse ways of presentation is also exciting—you are flexible enough to attend to questions, share real life experiences, teach facts, counsel and offer suggestions for improved relational touch.

Enjoy!

WHAT IS LOVE?

We all have different ideas of what love should be but one thing for sure; everyone knows when they experience it. The warmth and expression of love in its simplest form can be felt by its recipients—who taught a three months old baby to smile back at you when you are smiling?

Children, as young as they may be seem to read your mood and respond in a similar way. I’ve had to counsel parents with very difficult child rearing experience to change their attitude toward each other as one of the things to help the troubled child calm down and it worked tremendously well. Apart from the fact that children love to copy, they know when there is love in the home. What else would a young and innocent soul be looking forward to?

Love in itself means different things to different people; there was a time I did an article on ‘THE MEANING OF LOVE’—addressing how men, women and children interpret/ appreciate love but this time, the focus is basically on the word ‘Love’ and how it consolidates relationships. People do ask; How do I know that he really loves me? How can I tell she is not just after my fat bank account? Is there any special sign that distinguishes genuine lovers from fake? The love we had at the beginning of the relationship/marriage is lost, we just don’t feel anything anymore for each other, should we still continue? The questions keep pouring in and believe it; I could go on and again because I’ve heard quite a few.

Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge are familiar terrain for most of us who’ve found time to research on love as it concerns the ancient Greek but I still do not want to talk about them exclusively—my attraction is a practical experience of what would make a man/woman confess I have found love. How many people in the first place can genuinely say this? I know some do but right in their closet, they are actually weeping and wishing things were the other way round. What they express to the outside world then becomes a mere show. It’s good to protect your marriage but don’t give unnecessary false impression. Work on it if need be and hope for the best.

One controversial question I’ve come across is What type of love should exist between couples? I know people with a good heart will hurriedly say Agape-where you love without restrictions and inhibitions. This sounds good and I’m sure we all would love to experience it but again, will it on its own produce a sound and realistic home? Don’t forget, it is much easier to love people from a distance than when they come close, so close to you that their weaknesses and yours now become crystal clear. At this point, if not careful, you begin to criticise, complain, nag and generally ask for better value. Does this sound true? If it does and it’s really something you have done before, would you say you’ll stop loving that person when misunderstanding crops up? No, you still love the fellow but only desire some adjustment in the right angle. Now can you still fit in the concept of agape love? Mind you, agape love has no conditions—you just love the person for no particular reason.

If you are sincere, did you choose your spouse for no reason at all? Then you would have married any other person but you took your time, looked around, and asked for the very best within your reach. Apart from some instances where people marry for selfish reasons