How to Get the Date

By Jane Donovan

Are you one of Australia’s 4,000,000 singles who’s looking for love in all the right places but still hasn’t found that special someone? How To Get The Date can help!

Jane Donovan is a singles coach and matchmaker who successfully partners hundreds of single men and women every year. How To Get The Date is her tough love guide to finding a lasting relationship.

Jane pinpoints the top 50 reasons that prevent singles becoming couples, and provides insight and real-life experiences to help both men and women find their match. Jane knows through personal and business experience that it takes courage and vulnerability to be in a relationship. With her tell-it-like-it-is approach, the truth as to why you are single will soon become glaringly obvious!

* Find out how being shy can be one of the greatest advantages in dating
* Learn what makes an Alpha male tick and how to approach him
* Get dates with people who are a consistent match for you
* Women: move from Alpha to Beta and attract the man you want
* Put the brakes on your intensity
* Why you should never have sex on the first date
* Understand that out of sight does not mean out of mind
* Know that attraction is not based on the bathroom scales
* Learn the date rule that could change everything!

Which Dating Type Are You?

The Penis Picker – Chooses prospective dates with his (or her) you-know-what
The Highly Sensitive Person – The shy soul who is too scared to approach anyone
The Victim in Denial – Their previous relationships ended because their partners had too many ‘flaws’.
The Narcissist – No-one ever matches up to their expectation of perfection so they remain dateless
The Creepy Texter – Sends messages as soon as the date ends
The Ice Maiden – Usually over-50, they think they’re being confident and outspoken but actually they’re cold and rude
The List Dater – Has a list of all the traits their ideal partner must have
Plus many more

Jane Donovan is a successful radio presenter and host, speaker, columnist, matchmaker and singles coach based in Adelaide. She’s known on radio as the Love Doctor and the Love Guru and has a top 10 wellness podcast love-life where her wisdom has been appreciated across the globe. As well as her vast experience in radio, Jane has appeared on Channel Seven’s Today Tonight offering advice on relationships and love..

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jane Donovan
• Release date: Apr 26, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311716521

Jane Donovan

Jane Donovan is a successful radio presenter/host, singles, love and happiness coach, matchmaker, speaker, author and business owner based in Adelaide, South Australia. She’s known on radio as the Love Doctor and the Love Guru, and her wisdom has been appreciated across a range of media. As well as her vast experience in radio, Jane has appeared on Channel Seven’s Today Tonight and hosts a Top 10 i-tunes wellness podcast 'Love-Life' offering advice on relationships and love.RADIOwww.lovelifeshow.com•Jane co-hosts Australia's number 1 emotional health show Love-Life – a weekly international podcast that consistently ranks in the top 10 in iTunes and 5 star rated. On February 8 2014 Love-Life ranked #2, above Oprah’s health and wellness channel.•Soul Sista: Experiencing Life Above The Line is a weekly 2-hour show on Grant Broadcasters heard in every state of Australia and a ACRA finalist for Best Show which Jane co-hosts with Rebecca Dettman and Mel Dee.•The A-Team includes a weekly segment on love and happiness which Jane co-hosts with Mel Dee.Fresh FM•For the past 5 years Jane has been providing listeners with relationship advice. She really is The Love Guru!Casual•Jane frequently provides casual commentary on Triple M breakfast, SAFM, FiveAA talkback, NOVA, ABC Radio 891, Melbourne Talk Radio, Austereo in Canberra, LAFM, Mix 102.3 and many others

Book preview

WHAT YOUR MOTHER AND FRIENDS WONT TELL YOU

I know you are a beautiful and worthy person who could easily be dating a whole range of different people however if you are reading this book, then the chances are that you don't know this of yourself. You probably have soul searched the 'why can't I get a date' question. Perhaps you have talked the topic to death with friends or possibly even your mother has added in her two cents to why you aren't dating. While well meaning friends and loving mothers want to see you dating, the chances are that they have not told you the truth. That truth of why you are not dating. And what it is you potentially are doing wrong or could do differently!

As a singles coach and matchmaker, my job is to identify why dating isn't happening and fix it. Fast! To do this, you need to get real with yourself. Don't read this book expecting to be told how it's not your fault you're single or that all the good ones are taken. I won't be pandering to your ego but instead talking to the real you. The one who desires to be dating and ultimately having love in your life. And on love, I won't be talking a lot about relationships and love as unless you can get a date with someone you desire, then love is for another day. First, get the date!

These stories are based on real people. I have blended stories, changed names and situations to protect individuals however each story is typical of many I have hear. My job here is to give you the no holds barred reasons why you are not dating and help you to overcome these reasons. So get set for some tough love. Be honest with yourself. If you identify yourself in any of these chapters, don't beat yourself up for it. Simply own it as your current reality and know that by the end of reading this book, you will be well on your way to creating a different reality. One that is full of loads of dates. One that has you being the confident, great and worthy catch that you are, and has others seeking out your company for dates. Get ready to get busy dating because here comes the truth. ... at long last and of course help to change for a new dating experience!

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR STORY IS

You are worthy! I hear so many stories of why someone is not dating when they desire to be dating. I hear about the person who is too old, the one who is not sophisticated enough, the one who is not emotionally connected, the one who is not interesting enough, the one who is not pretty enough, the one who is not entertaining enough, the one who is not confident enough, the one who is not successful enough, the one who is not slim enough, the one who is too quiet, the one who is not happy enough, the one who doesn't have time, the one who has too many children, the one who is....fill in the blank.

This to me is called, so what! You are all worthy. This is called stuff and we all have stuff. So what! Are you using this as an excuse? Are you allowing this to stop you achieving what you want? If you believe nothing more, please believe this... YOU ARE WORTHY!

Sure, everyone has a journey to go on and sometimes this stuff is getting in the way of meeting and dating yet I have never met anyone who has a story that says they are not worthy. If you find that you are the one who ..... fill in the blank, and it really is stopping you then take the time to see how this story could be changed to rectify this belief. And in the meantime, while working on changing this story, keep telling yourself, 'I am worthy'. Repeat it so often that you eventually start to believe you are worthy. Then as you do this, you will find your story starts to change.

So here is your new belief, 'I may be ..... Fill in the blank, however I am worthy'.

Now onto the dating disaster stories and how to fix this!

THE LIST DATER

You have spent hours and hours visualizing exactly who your ideal partner is. With each fresh moment spent focusing upon them, your excitement grows as you add a new detail to your requirements list. The problem here is that your list is so long, it is now unobtainable and you have become un-datable. Few, if any, people will measure up to this list. And if by some chance they do, you are still likely to find something wrong with them, or they may not be interested in you.

One of the most extreme cases of the List Dater I saw was Susan, who came to me with a three-page typed list of her requirements. She was quite proud of the time and trouble she had gone to getting a clear picture of her ideal man. She knew what she wanted and was enlisting my help to assist her in finding this dream partner. With more than 100 items on her list, I was very curious to see what she had come up with. Tall - more than 6ft - , kind, Caucasian, preferably English heritage, no children but wants children, fit and athletic in build, broad shoulders, good looking (a bit like Colin Firth), facial stubble OK but no beard or moustache, financially successful, good at managing but also generous with money, university-educated, close to family, has nice friends, into bike riding and jogging, romantic and affectionate, emotionally sensitive, supportive, independent, sense of humor, prepared to travel internationally, enjoys fine dining, enjoys lunches with friends and BBQs, not a workaholic, ambitious, giving and generous, spiritual (preferably Catholic), good with children, loves animals, enjoys the beach, likes to drink wine but not excessively, and so on ....

Susan had given a lot of thought to want she really desired in a partner and I applaud her for this. The difficulty comes when each man she meets doesn't fit this list. Sadly, most people - many who are genuine and fabulous and would potentially make fantastic partners - would fall short. To help Susan, I looked at her list and found three or four of what I call, not negotiables. These are qualities that you feel strongly must be found in your ideal partner. Looking at part of Susan's list, I was able to reduce this down to:

* Wants children. (When questioned the doesn't already have children was negotiable. If Colin Firth came along and had children, Susan was OK with this.)

* Kind. (This includes qualities like generosity, which she mentioned several times in different ways.)

* Physically healthy. (Again, mentioned in many different ways.)

* Believes in God or a higher power.

Many items on Susan's list are negotiable so they don't deserve to be there. If I presented her with a person who held these four qualities but didn't like to drink wine or spend time down the beach, would she still date him? The answer was yes. As I gave numerous other scenarios, it really became apparent that Susan was prepared to negotiate what she was looking for in a partner.

The best news here is that this enables more men to get through Susan's filter system. With her old list, she was not letting anyone in. Everyone fell well short of her expectations. With her new list of four things that are not negotiable, Susan now has potentially a lot more people to date. Some will be good looking, some financially strong, some funny, some tall, some love travelling. All will have lots to offer however, no-one will have it all. And nor should they. Susan, by her own admission, was not perfect. I asked her to consider what a potential partner would have to put up with in her. After a bit of squirming, she admitted that she could be difficult and inflexible. Sometimes moody, and prone to partying hard a bit too much. In her own words, sometimes I don't know when to stop. Having Susan look at her own faults allowed her to be more forgiving of other people not being - in her eyes - perfect. This enabled her greater flexibility in who she could potentially date.

If you have a long list like Susan, look at what it is you want to feel with this person. If you, like Susan, have listed many different ways of showing kindness, simplify it to someone who is kind. If you find you have listed lots of activities that are outgoing, change your requirement to someone who is outgoing. Simplify as much as possible. A narrow door only lets a few people in. A door that is wide open enables many more people through your personal filter system, giving you a lot more options when it comes to getting a date.

SHE'S HOT AND SEXY

While most people desire an emotional and intellectual connection in a person they wish to date, the first thing they will connect with will be the physical. You may notice how beautiful or handsome a person is, or it may be something less obvious like a nice smile, or a great body. Generally, people are aware of this, either consciously or unconsciously. As a result, sexy dressing works. Showing off your physical assets will certainly get attention and draw men or women to you. While I encourage you to always look your best for this reason, it is a fine line between looking your best and telling a sexual story.

Amanda came to me wanting to meet new people with the intent of hopefully dating someone special. Amanda, in her 30s, is a very attractive girl physically and knew how to show off her physical assets to grab attention. She had on a very tight, short skirt that showed great fit, long and tanned legs. She had on a tight- fitting sports top that showed off her breasts. Not much was left to the imagination and I could clearly see she had a hot body. I asked her about herself. What were her hobbies and interests, her career, what was important to her? She said she didn't really do much and her career was more a job to get her money to spend. She wanted to get married and have children. When I asked about her ideal man, what would she see him being like, she described him perfectly physically, but became unsure when it came to the qualities she wanted in him.

Here was a beautiful girl who didn't think much of herself and just wanted to get married and have children, to anyone! She felt she didn't offer a lot outside of her physical appearance and was worried that time was running out as she was getting older and she felt she was starting to lose her looks. As a result, she wanted to give off a clear message to men she met that she was physically hot and ready for an intimate relationship. Asking about her past dating experience, she shared that she had dated a lot but most relationships didn't make it much past the five or six week mark. She had one relationship that had lasted three months.

What is going on here is that Amanda was leading with the vagina! She was all about sex and not about anything deeper. She felt if she was good at sex and pleasing in bed that men would ultimately love her, hopefully resulting in someone wanting to marry her and father her children. Men, when seeing Amanda, would instantly respond to the sexual manner of her presentation. They would desire to spend time with her hoping that she would put out and have sex with them. Through her own low self-worth, she often hoped it would be the glue that bonded them together. Sex is rarely the glue to bond! After a few weeks or months, the men would realize either that she wasn't a compatible partner and move on, or would get tired of just sex as their connection with her and head off for the next one to be conquered.

I suggested that Amanda do a few things. First off, to start on her feelings about herself. As we dug deeper, Amanda started to share some of her dreams she had from high school. She was a good student and had hoped to go on to a career in the health profession. Her need in her teens and 20s to be loved had her instead focusing on meeting someone, hence spending a lot of time partying. She chose to socialize strongly rather than pursue her career. She also shared her belief that she was a loyal and kind person, a giver, a great cook and social host often gathering people at her home as a central hub of friendship and happiness. She had a knack for making people feel comfortable in her presence, as long as it wasn't a man she was interested in. Then she changed to be what she felt the man wanted her to be. Many other beautiful qualities about Amanda were also uncovered as we continued talking. I gave Amanda some homework. To start a gratitude journal about all she was happy with in her life. Each morning she was to write a positive message to herself to carry around with her for the day. A typical one was: even though sometimes I don't feel smart or clever, I am an intelligent, kind, warm and special person. I love myself unconditionally. Before going to bed each night Amanda was to write 10 things she was grateful for during the day. They could be small or big, such as having beautiful caring friends, or getting the rock star best park at work easily. It didn't matter if the same things she was grateful for were repeated on other days. The idea was to give a focus to the good in her life. And to send her to sleep peacefully in a place of happiness. Over time, these exercises helped Amanda to start to see her own worth. She grew in self- confidence until she truly believed she had a lot more to offer a man than only being a sexual partner.

As Amanda's self-worth grew, we discussed a slightly different wardrobe to give off a different image. One that was more in alignment with the girl she now knew she was. Clothes that still showed off her fabulous figure but also clearly stated, I am a girl of worth and interest and while I am attractive, I have more to me than just a great body. Amanda's wardrobe soon reflected this and with it, her personality changed when socializing. She no longer felt she had to change to be what she perceived a particular man desired to be worthy of a man. Now she was able to engage her wonderful quality of making other people feel comfortable with men she desired! Now the men were looking at her not just physically but