The Barometer: A Bartender's Guide to Measuring up in Your Relationships

By LisaDiane Kindred

The Bartender knows best! Because the cheapest therapy you can find is often the person behind the bar at your favorite watering hole. The grown up Lucy-with-her-lemonade-stand-therapymore Long Islands than lemonadewhen it comes to relationships, LisaDiane has just about heard it all.
With customers stories, and anecdotes from the bar world, The Barometer: A Bartenders Guide to Measuring Up in your Relationships serves up a healthy dose of common sense and shots of honesty, with advice on the side, from the bartenders point of view.
There may be variables out of your control that can contribute to the end of a relationship; but there are also those ways you can cause the hurt and sabotage yourself. Its those unintentional and sometimes intentionalways you cause your own harm.
The Barometer is a how-not-to guide that trains you to refocus attentionand intention. Like that voice in the back of your head saying, Dont do it! The Barometer is a no-holds-barred conversation with a good friendor your favorite bartender.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781477271056

LisaDiane Kindred

LisaDiane Kindred, currently a bartender in her hometown Detroit, MI, has a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Michigan State University. In addition to bartending, LisaDiane is trained in grief counseling and an experienced crisis interventionist.

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© 2014 LisaDiane Kindred. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/24/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7106-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7105-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012908949

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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Preface

SECTION ONE

YOUR SINGLE SELF

1 Recipes for Disaster: Self-Defeating Behaviors

2 Be Your Top-Shelf Self

3 Watered-Down with Fear

SECTION TWO

YOUR DATING SELF

4 Say Uncle

5 False Advertisement:Be Straight Up

6 So What if the Best Friend is Hot

SECTION THREE

YOUR COMMITTED SELF

7 Whet Your Whistle

8 Garnish with Love

9 Last Call: Love on the Rocks

You Can’t Please Everyone: The Break-Up Angle

About the Author

To my true loves (LC), first loves, future loves and lovers everywhere.

Preface

My experience as a bartender lets me study relationships first hand. I’ve also noticed an interesting parallel between my relationship to customers and romantic relationships. I have a theory that the Barmaid steps into the role of whatever a customer is lacking in his/her own relationship—or fulfills the role in the absence of one. I’m the mistress of the customer whose date just went to the bathroom; the consummate therapist whose job it is to listen while a person works through their relationship woes; a bitch to the smart-ass looking for a rise; an audience for the jokes and stories the one at home has heard one too many times; or referee or matchmaker, serving as the go between for a budding romance—or rocky one. On any given night, aside from serving drinks, it is my job to build, juggle, and maintain relationships; often several at one time.

To give a person the best experience I must be courteous, confident, and have a positive attitude—even when I’m not in the best mood. It’s important that I pay attention to details, anticipate their needs, and have great listening skills. It’s vital to my job to show appreciation to the customers, and also to be humble and willing to admit when I’m wrong. My tips depend on these qualities. I learned pretty quickly what behaviors get the best results, and conversely, which ones do not. In a romantic relationship, the tip, the reward for a job well done or great services rendered, is more time, affection, and love.

I demand respect from my customers. Similar to a romantic relationship, a customer behaving offensively has consequences; whether it’s giving them no attention or not giving them what they ask for until they do so appropriately. No relationship is worthwhile without respect.

I’ve learned it is key to remember every situation is different and therefore can have a different outcome if you let it. If you’ve noticed in your own life you keep finding yourself in the same unfavorable situations, you are never happy, and bad things are always happening to you, it might be time to look within for the problem.

Bottom line, there’s a happy medium between what we desire, and what we will put up with to get it. What’s interesting to me is how people demand total satisfaction from something as insignificant as a drink. Why not put the same importance on what you want from a relationship, and what you’re willing to do to get it? In your relationships, more often than not you’re settling instead of demanding what you want. You also tend to give more leeway for mistreatment. Granted, it is much easier to get a drink recipe right than a relationship. That being said, what is your barometer? At what point will you draw the line? Is it because you paid for the drink that you think you deserve to be fulfilled? Well, you’re contributing to your relationship as well; therefore, you should get happiness in return. I don’t know about you but I don’t waste my time or energy on giving my best to someone who doesn’t see fit to reward me for my effort. Just as I did in my profession, you can learn the behaviors that reap the best results in your relationship.

SECTION ONE

YOUR SINGLE SELF

1

Recipes for Disaster:

Self-Defeating Behaviors

As a bartender, I’ve witnessed many horrific first dates, and disastrous conversations between strangers seated at the bar next to each other. Within five minutes, one will proceed to run down a list of all the possible reasons they should be rejected, as if to say, I know you’re gonna reject me, so let’s get this outta the way. Before the first drink is gone or appetizers arrive, they’ve shot themselves in the foot. The stunned look on the listener’s faces’ is priceless. I just wanna yell, Shut up, you’re ruining it! I offer a drink instead.

There are millions of reasons why things don’t work out in relationships. Many are out of your control. But a lot of the time you can sabotage yourself—beating yourself up far too often and way too early—to the detriment of yourself, and without doubt any relationship. Those times it was in your control to make the most of the relationship, but you held yourself back. Those times when all you had to do was be yourself, or love yourself enough to let someone else want to love you the same way. These are Self-Defeating Behaviors. It’s like closing the bar before last call. Most often, all it takes is an attitude adjustment; changing your mindset from thinking the worst to hoping for the best.

The Bad Review

The biggest way most get in their own way is by being too negative—whether it’s putting yourself down, thinking negatively about relationships, or having a bad attitude in general. When you’re hurting, or uncomfortable with whom you are, it’s hard to be anything but negative, so you point out your flaws in an effort to beat others to the punch. Nor do you believe others when they see your worth.

Why are the bad things someone says about you always easier to believe than the good? It’s because you believe it too. Much the way that confidence is contagious, low self-esteem is also a disease; both can be inflicted on others, but self-defeating behavior is a plague, and anyone smart will find the quickest exit and run for it. Cliché as it may sound, you’ve got to avoid the negatives and embrace the positives to draw in the right people, and most importantly, to make you see yourself in a better light.

Stop Talking

A good foundation is the key to making anything last. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. So, how do you go about doing that? For starters, stop talking. I mean that to say, wait for it. Wait to see what someone else sees before you volunteer your two cents. You will eagerly volunteer the unattractive qualities first instead of your attractive attributes because that’s what your focus is on; you can’t help it. Try not saying anything, about yourself. Not saying anything at the very least insures that you won’t say anything bad. The conversation should still flow because there are an infinite number of things to talk about, particularly when you’re just meeting that someone.

Instead, ask questions about him/her. Two things will occur: you won’t be talking about yourself so you don’t have the opportunity to put yourself down, and, the other person will appreciate your interest in them, making you appear to be a great listener. (To keep up the appearance, actually listen!) While this may be a deflective tactic, it works, and keeps you from giving off that negative, I-hate-myself-and-here’s-why vibe. Inevitably they’ll see something good about you that you can elaborate on, positively. Bartenders are good at deflecting. We engage our customers by talking about neutral subjects or by asking questions about them. And when customers ask personal questions back, we answer quickly then steer the focus of the conversation back to them.

It’s a bad idea to share all your insecurities with the person you’re seeing, and especially while dating. We’ve all got them, so it’s not necessary to make that the focus. Granted, honesty is the best policy, but there’s a difference between being honest and volunteering unnecessary information. Don’t look for hurt. Saying things like, I don’t know what you see in me is damaging, especially if they’ve been telling you all the wonderful things they do see in you. If you say it enough, they just might start to wonder themselves, and leave, and you’ve just sabotaged yourself.

Please try to keep in mind that your past is the past, and just that. It is relevant because it tells your story but it does not define you. What most don’t understand about dating is that it’s a fantasy, a fairytale world, and therefore should be treated as such. As unrealistic as that sounds, romantic relationships go by a varied set of rules then say your family or friend relationships. Ideally, you want someone who’s a friend, who’ll love you unconditionally like your family, and without judgment. And you should have that, with the major difference being the romance. In order for the romance to happen, you have to paint a slightly different picture. This is not to say you should misrepresent yourself, but it’s okay to present yourself in the best light. Sell them on you; like a drink you’ve never had but you order because the poster made it look so good. It’s not false advertisement. Start with your likes, and let the rest