Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2014

By Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

The unicorn apocalypse, self-propelled time-travel, pharmaceutical rocket fuel, and cloned steampunk boy bands. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2014 collects three month's worth of essays from the fictional worlds of mad science. Included are three new pieces of fiction written for the discerning mad scientist reader by Camille Griep, Erick Mertz, and Trent Walters. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Dusty Wallace, Ian Rose, Mark Patrick Lynch, Jennifer Mitchell, Iulian Ionescu, Christine Layton, Judith Field, Diana Rohlman, Steve Zisson, Pathos, Maureen Bowden, J. J. Green, Alter S. Reiss, Torrey Podmajersky, Parker McKenzie, and Andy Brown. Illustrations are provided by Scarlett O'Hairdye, Dawn Vogel, Katie Nyborg, Luke Spooner, Shannon Legler, and Justine McGreevy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Jun 17, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311084774

Dawn Vogel

Dawn Vogel has been published as a short fiction author and an editor of both fiction and non-fiction. Her academic background is in history, so it’s not surprising that much of her fiction is set in earlier times. By day, she edits reports for historians and archaeologists. In her alleged spare time, she runs a craft business, helps edit Mad Scientist Journal, and tries to find time for writing. She lives in Seattle with her awesome husband (and fellow author), Jeremy Zimmerman, and their herd of cats.

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2014

Edited by Jeremy Zimmerman and Dawn Vogel

Cover Illustration and Layout by Scarlett O'Hairdye

Copyright 2014 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

Milky Way Zoo is Copyright 2014 Dusty Wallace

Its Terrible White Horn is Copyright 2014 Ian Rose

We Shall Make Monsters is Copyright 2014 Mark Patrick Lynch

An Open Letter to the Residents of Earth City: The Curious Case of the Cacti is Copyright 2014 Jennifer Mitchell

Inside You is Copyright 2014 Iulian Ionescu

Audio Recording 5024 is Copyright 2014 Christine Layton

The Last Unit is Copyright 2014 Judith Field

One scientist's struggle against federal cloning regulations: A case study is Copyright 2014 Diana Rohlman

Sweet Sand Fleas is Copyright 2014 Steve Zisson

Incident at the Faerie Festival is Copyright 2014 Pathos

The Sight is Copyright 2012 Maureen Bowden

Learning to Walk is Copyright 2014 J. J. Green

Apocalypse Willowherb is Copyright 2014 Alter S. Reiss

Alphabetus Cymbid is Copyright 2014 Camille Griep

Dr. Morbius Looks for Love, Lost: Fiancée, For Sale or Lease, FOUND: Someone else's fiancée, Now Hiring, SWMMS, Reward Offered: SOUSED, Mafia Wives, and Found: Gertrude are Copyright 2014 Trent Walters

The Measurable Blood is Copyright 2014 Erick Mertz

Ask Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2014 Torrey Podmajersky

Missing: Snowmen, For Sale: Things, Recruiting: Test Subjects, Looking to Hire: Translator, Looking to Hire: Translator, Hiring: Contractor, Lost: Doomsday Device, Lost: Laboratory, and Found: Cat are Copyright 2014 Parker McKenzie

Disappearances, For Sale--Equipment, For Sale--Pets, Found: Ticking box, and Reward Offered are Copyright 2014 Dawn Vogel

Master Huang's Marvellous Teas, Helping Hands, Jason's World of Zombies, and Psychic Psolutions are Copyright 2014 Andy Brown

Art accompanying Milky Way Zoo, 'We Shall Make Monsters, An Open Letter to the Residents of Earth City: The Curious Case of the Cacti, Audio Recording 5024, Sweet Sand Fleas, and Learning to Walk" are Copyright 2014 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Its Terrible White Horn and The Last Unit are Copyright 2014 Justine McGreevy

Art accompanying Inside You and Incident at the Faerie Festival are Copyright 2014 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying One scientist's struggle against federal cloning regulations: A case study is Copyright 2014

Art accompanying The Sight is Copyright 2014 Katie Nyborg

Art accompanying Apocalypse Willowherb is Copyright 2014 Dawn Vogel

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Letter from the Editor

Essays

"Milky Way Zoo" provided by Dusty Wallace

"Its Terrible White Horn" provided by Ian Rose

"We Shall Make Monsters" provided by Mark Patrick Lynch

"An Open Letter to the Residents of Earth City: The Curious Case of the Cacti" provided by Jennifer Mitchell

"Inside You" provided by Iulian Ionescu

"Audio Recording 5024" provided by Christine Layton

"The Last Unit" provided by Judith Field

"One scientist's struggle against federal cloning regulations: A case study" provided by Diana Rohlman

"Sweet Sand Fleas" provided by Steve Zisson

"Incident at the Faerie Festival" provided by Pathos

"The Sight" provided by Maureen Bowden

"Learning to Walk" provided by J. J. Green

"Apocalypse Willowherb" by Alter S. Reiss

Fiction

"Alphabetus Cymbid" by Camille Griep

"The Measurable Blood" by Erick Mertz

"Dr. Morbius Looks for Love" by Trent Walters

Resources

"Ask Dr. Synthia" provided by Torrey Podmajersky

Classifieds

About

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

________________________________________

Letter from the Editor

Dear Readers,

We understand what it's like to be a misunderstood scientist. It's why we produce this. We've spent many a stormy night slumped in a high-backed wooden chair, our mussed hair falling in front of our faces, our poet shirts half unbuttoned, a glass of merlot resting in our hand as though it were an oracular crystal that could explain the ennui of our existence.

Or at least we are in our heads. We're pitching the idea to the CW. Because the world needs more sexy teenage mad scientists. Because ultimately what mad science needs are twentysomethings pretending to be high school students and setting unrealistic standards for physical beauty. If you thought your club foot and cleft palate were embarrassing now, wait until everyone expects mad scientists to be smokin' hot.

Good luck!

Owen and Mary Brooks

Guest Editors

Owen and Mary Brooks are television producers and writers who have been missing for several weeks. Their house was described as looking like it had been chewed upon by a grizzly bear and the words AM I PRETTY NOW? were written in blood on the dining room wall. It is not clear at this time what sort of blood was used.

If you have information about Owen and Mary, please contact your local law enforcement agency.

Essays

Milky Way Zoo

A brochure from the Milky Way Zoo: Earth Exhibition, as provided by Dusty Wallace

Art by Shannon Legler

Station 1. Tasmanian Tiger*

This odd-looking mammal was the only carnivorous species of marsupial. It's not a tiger or even a feline, but was named for its tiger-like stripes. The hind quarters are considered a delicacy in some corners of the galaxy, where they're grown in the finest restaurant laboratories.

Public Feeding at 1030 IGST

Station 2. Giraffe

Not much is known about this long-necked mammal. It evolved to eat the tops of some very tall flora called trees. Giraffes lived in an area of heavy bio-diversity the humans called Africa.

Feedings by visitor permitted. Ask Zoo staff for more information.

Station 3. Black Rhinoceros*

This animal was relatively harmless to local populations, but that didn't stop them from hunting the species to extinction. Primitive superstitious beliefs about its horn appear to be at fault.

Public Feeding at 2735 IGST

Station 4. Dogs*

As you can see, this species of carnivorous canine comes in all shapes and sizes. Ancient records insist these animals lived in harmony with their primate masters. Attempts at domestication of replicated dogs have failed. Man's best friend? Perhaps. But not ours! Some scientists believe they have an aversion to tentacles.

Public Feeding at 1630 IGST

Station 5. Rats

You'll notice two species in this exhibit: Norwegian Rats and Black Rats. Both are adaptable to nearly any environment and able to safely digest a wide array of materials. In addition, they are easily trainable and quite easy to domesticate.

Visitor Feeding and Petting Allowed

Station 6. Siberian Tiger*

Perhaps the most majestic species from Earth, the Tiger was an apex predator. Despite its beauty and lack of threat to public safety, the Siberian Tiger was hunted to extinction. Even apex predators weren't spared the idiocy of Earth people.

Public Feedings at 1000 and 1745 IGST

Station 7. House Cats

House cats were popular pets on earth. Those that have been domesticated here have proven to be lazy, uncaring, and a drain on resources. Not easily trained, but good at catching those pesky Nawexlian Znice!

Public Feeding All Day Long/Visitor Petting Allowed

Station 8. Human w/ Offspring**

Opposable thumbs made this species dominant on Earth. They were able to build and operate machines efficiently. Unfortunately, this bipedal species lacked the necessary neural connections to foresee the great environmental disasters they eventually caused. Over-breeding was also a real problem. Human population ballooned before abruptly crashing. Also note the youngling. Unable to fend for themselves, human children drain resources in a manner similar to House Cats.

Feedings Done Privately After Hours

Station 9. Human: Viral Infected**

Over-population allowed viruses to evolve and spread at alarming rates. This particular Human displays the common traits among the infected: gnashing teeth, insatiable hunger, necrotic flesh. Eventually, this species went extinct also. The virus, like its hosts, used up all of its resources in a fairly short amount of time.

Feedings Done Randomly, Infrequent

Station 10. Cockroach

The cockroach is the only Earth species at our zoo that wasn't grown from tissue samples. Our scientists found them in large numbers in every climate on that forsaken planet. This species has anatomical similarities to ourselves--exoskeletons, radiation resistance, and strong immune systems--so it's no coincidence that they were the dominant species. Unfortunately, attempts at communicating with these magnificent creatures have failed thus far. Please visit the gift shop for adorable plush cockroach toys. Say hello to our mascot Manny The Cockroach if you see him around!

Visitor Feeding and Petting Allowed

* Dangerous to visitors.

**Extremely Dangerous to visitors and other species.

The Milky Way Zoo is made possible by partnership between the Decimated Planets Council, the Astrozoological Resurrection Society, and visitors like you! Founded in Terazix 14803, The Milky Way Zoo has been collecting extinct and endangered species from post-apocalyptic planets throughout the galaxy. Not only do we provide entertainment for the little ones, but our scientists study other planets' tragedies to help ensure the continued success of the Zulatonarn people.

Dusty Wallace lives in the Appalachians of Virginia with his wife and two sons. He enjoys reading, writing, and the occasional fine cigar.

Its Terrible White Horn

An essay by Dr. Vadim Orlov, as provided by Ian Rose

Art by Justine McGreevy

I did it. It was me. We have all paid the price for my hubris and that of the fools who joined me. This is my confession.

I released the unicorn into our world.

We discovered its remains in a cave system in eastern Russia. The cave itself was only found a year before, revealed while digging the foundation for a new shopping center. Staff from the local museum knew immediately that they had something special, and when I was flown in from Moscow and first laid eyes on the massive cover stones blocking the cave entrance, it was the most exciting day of my professional life.

Nine layers of intricately carved stone had been laid to cap the tunnel, a level of technological effort never before seen in a site so old, but the cave itself, once revealed, was surprisingly free of any human symbols or characters. The only marks on the walls were deep gashes, as if someone had hacked at the stone repeatedly with a sword or axe.

Delving deeper, we found the beast.

At first, it looked to be nothing but bones, its flesh eaten away by millennia in the damp recesses of the cave. The skeleton was clearly equine, but larger by half than any extant species of horse. From its forehead rose a single spiraled horn, pure white and untouched by the ravages of so much time. Closer investigation revealed a small patch of meat hanging from one of its hind legs.

Naturally, we had our doubts. The entrance stones were impressive enough, but a unicorn skeleton was just too much for the skeptics. I counted myself among them. I ran every dating test twice, and they all came up with the same result: the creature had lived and died over 20,000 years ago.

The cloning idea came from a science blogger in Japan, and her audience enthusiastically spread it around the web. She even suggested that if we were willing to make the attempt, using the same techniques which had recently been used to resurrect the Tasmanian tiger and woolly mammoth, she would help raise the money.

Our crowdsourcing campaign reached its initial goal in 36 hours. By the time it was over, we had raised millions more than we needed. We had no choice but to try.

The cells in that small scrap of recovered meat proved to be remarkably intact. At every step of the process, we marveled at the ease and quickness of success. We had a viable egg and sperm in a matter of weeks, engineered from the DNA in that tiny sample. The mammoth had taken almost a year.

Inside the belly of a Clydesdale mare, we watched the creature grow. When the tiny nub of its horn appeared on an ultrasound scan, it became the most shared digital image of the year. It was a perfectly healthy developing foal, in every way a horse except for its size and its legendary ornament.

The foal was born on a sunny day in June, the day that everything changed.

I remember the events of that morning with the surreality of a dream but none of the fading detail of dreaming: the sound of the horn puncturing its mother’s belly, tearing its way to freedom; the sight of its perfect white coat and shining black eyes; the faces of the scientists in the room, my colleagues and friends, progressing from joy and wonder to confused terror as the beast turned its fury upon them.

Even as the unicorn slaughtered them all, not a drop of blood stained its gleaming coat. It remained pure and shining white as it tore through them and shredded the laboratory door. It paid me no mind as I hid behind my chair in the observation room. It rammed its way through the door and galloped away to freedom.

In our anguish over the loss of life, we still had no concept of what we had done. One animal, alone in the world with no chance of reproduction, however deadly, could only cause so much damage. We would track it down and put it painlessly to sleep. We would bury our dead and move on from this incident as scientists do, hoping to learn from our mistakes.

But those ancient hunters who trapped the beast so long ago did more than capture an animal. An entire world had been bottled up in that cave, powers that had ruled the Earth until humanity became advanced enough to stand against them and, ultimately, to lock them away. When the unicorn rose again, with our unknowing help, those old powers rose with it.

It has been eighteen months since the unicorn’s birth. There are no nations left, only survivors. Creatures far stranger than the horned horse wander the countryside. In the best cases, they ignore us, stepping over us like annoying insects. But some of the new menagerie has gained a taste for us. The giants hunt us for sport, the dragons for food.

Of course, humanity defended itself. Our armies fought back, but our weapons had no effect on the ancient intruders. They were the weapons of our world, modern and mundane. An older world has emerged to consume ours whole, hungry from thousands of years locked away, starving in the dark.

Only a