Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2017

By DefCon One Publishing

Smart toasters, zombie offboarding, and innovations in 3-D printing. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2017 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Sean Buckley, Jule Owen, and Steve Toase. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, gossip column, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Amanda Cherry, Sarah Cavar, Charlie Neuner, E. B. Fischadler, Christa Carmen, Tara Campbell, Judith Field, Emma Whitehall, Maureen Bowden, Isaac Teile, J. Lee Strickland, John A. McColley, Kate B. Brokaw, Jessie Kwak, Elizabeth Booth, Joachim Heijndermans, Cathleen Kivett Smith, Lucinda Gunnin, and Torrey Podmajersky. Art by Shannon Legler, Katie Nyborg, Errow Collins, Scarlett O'Hairdye, Luke Spooner, Ariel Alian Wilson, and Amanda Jones.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Sep 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370029020

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2017

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art by Shannon Legler

Cover Layout by Katie Nyborg

Copyright 2017 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

www.madscientistjournal.org

www.patreon.com/madscientistjournal

Letter from the Guest Editor is Copyright 2017 Amanda Cherry

Failure to Comply is Copyright 2017 Sarah Cavar

Love in the Time of Electronics is Copyright 2017 Charlie Neuner

Is the Vampire Diet Healthy? is Copyright 2017 E. B. Fischadler

The Molecules that Bind Us is Copyright 2017 Christa Carmen

Welcome to Your Future with Chlorolyft is Copyright 2016 Tara Campbell

The Observer's Paradox is Copyright 2017 Judith Field

An Afternoon with Odessa Malko is Copyright 2017 Emma Whitehall

Sheila Get Your Gun is Copyright 2017 Maureen Bowden

The Origin of Stenches: Goblin Smell in Mating Selection is Copyright 2017 Isaac Teile

Machine to Describe a Moth is Copyright 2017 J. Lee Strickland

Killing Stone is Copyright 2017 John A. McColley

Hello! Please Read Me is Copyright 2017 Kate B. Brokaw

Don't Miss Today's Webinar on ExitZ, the World's Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution is Copyright 2017 Jessie Kwak

The Forgetting Wall is Copyright 2017 Steve Toase

Le Puffin et L'Albatros is Copyright 2017 Sean Buckley

The Drunk God is Copyright 2017 Jule Owen

Scenes Around the Lab, Help Wanted: Igor, Help Wanted (human test subjects), Wanted (information), Woman Seeking, In Search Of, and Wanted to Buy are Copyright 2017 Lucinda Gunnin

Ask Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2017 Torrey Podmajersky

Selling Test Tubes and Seeking Velociraptor are Copyright 2017 Cathleen Kivett Smith

For Sale by Owner: Doomsday Machine is Copyright 2017 Elizabeth Booth

Sell Us Your Skulls is Copyright 2017 Joachim Heijndermans

Art accompanying Failure to Comply, Welcome to Your Future with Chlorolyft, and Killing Stone are Copyright 2017 Errow Collins

Art accompanying Love in the Time of Electronics, The Observer's Paradox, and Machine to Describe a Moth are Copyright 2017 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Is the Vampire Diet Healthy? is Copyright 2017 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Art accompanying The Molecules that Bind Us, The Origin of Stenches: Goblin Smell in Mating Selection, Hello! Please Read Me, and Don't Miss Today's Webinar on ExitZ, the World's Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution are Copyright 2017 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying An Afternoon with Odessa Malko is Copyright 2017 Ariel Alian Wilson

Art accompanying Sheila Get Your Gun is Copyright 2017 Amanda Jones

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Simone Cooper, Andrew Cherry, John Nienart, Torrey Podmajersky, Darrell Grizzle, and Michele Ray!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Guest Editor

ESSAYS

"Failure to Comply" provided by Sarah Cavar

"Love in the Time of Electronics" provided by Charlie Neuner

"Is the Vampire Diet Healthy?" provided by E. B. Fischadler

"The Molecules that Bind Us" provided by Christa Carmen

"Welcome to Your Future with Chlorolyft" provided by Tara Campbell

"The Observer's Paradox" provided by Judith Field

"An Afternoon with Odessa Malko" provided by Emma Whitehall

"Sheila Get Your Gun" provided by Maureen Bowden

"The Origin of Stenches: Goblin Smell in Mating Selection" provided by Isaac Teile

"Machine to Describe a Moth" provided by J. Lee Strickland

"Killing Stone" provided by John A. McColley

"Hello! Please Read Me" provided by Kate B. Brokaw

"Don't Miss Today's Webinar on ExitZ, the World's Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution" provided by Jessie Kwak

FICTION

"The Forgetting Wall" by Steve Toase

"Le Puffin et L'Albatros" by Sean Buckley

"The Drunk God" by Jule Owen

RESOURCES

"Scenes Around the Lab" provided by Lucinda Gunnin

"Ask Dr. Synthia" provided by Torrey Podmajersky

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE GUEST EDITOR

by Edith McKinstrick Joubert, as provided by Amanda Cherry

Well Hello, ladies!

Oh, wait, you're not all ladies, are you? Well, no, I guess you're not. If only ladies were reading this right now, then what would be the point? Right? Okay. Let me start again:

Well Hello there, ladies and gentlemen!

That doesn't work either. If I'm just speaking to the women in the group, I can get away with leaving it at ladies, but once I include the fellas in the greeting, I'm not being inclusive. Well, damn.

Trying again, once and for all:

Greetings ladies, gentlemen, questioning, and non-binary readers!

Welcome to the special Women's Edition of the Mad Scientist Journal Quarterly! What's that? You say, "but this quarterly looks to be no different than all of the other Mad Scientist Journal Quarterlies that I've been reading for years"? Exactly! That's the point! Nothing has to change about science for it to be for women! Nothing has to change about research and discovery and technology and pushing the boundaries in your chosen field of study in order for it to be for women.

All science is for women. Math and algebra and trigonometry and calculus and astrophysics are for women. Engineering and cybernetics and virtual reality and human/AI singularity are for women. Time travel, multiverses, butterfly effects, and paradoxes are for everyone. Mind control, pharmacology, memory manipulation, and the creation of supersoldiers by hybridizing werewolves with human volunteers and implanting chips in their wolfy little brains ARE FOR EVERYONE!

I am aware that, for much of its history, our storied profession has been all but exclusively the domain of male-identifying people. In 1818, when the Mad Scientist Journal was first published, what few women were working in the field were forced to either take on a male persona or conduct their practice in such secret that the opportunity for collaboration was practically non-existent.

But listen up, ladies--and yeah, this time I'm just talking to the gals in the audience--we've always been here. Working in secret, working in silence, developing and testing our theories all on our own, women have been making important strides in science and technology for as long as these endeavors have existed. Practicing our craft in secret and in silence, women have been responsible for some of the most incredible advances in our field of endeavor. Having to work in such secret and without the restrictive culture of the male-dominated scientific establishment led to some of the most brilliant advances in mad science in the previous century. We would know very little about the effects of electricity on heavy-metal-impregnated human neurons had it not been for the tireless work of our brilliant foremothers. And that is but one shining example of the contribution of women to our collective scientific understanding.

We've always been here, and we've always been glorious. Whether the pioneering women of our past published their findings under a male nom de plume, or had to sit back and seethe as some thief with a Y chromosome took credit for their work, the fact remains that women have been on the leading edge of mad science since its inception. The accomplishments of women in the history of mad science are great and varied. But giving due credit to our predecessors is only the beginning.

They paved the way. Now it's our turn to run the streets. We are a force today, ladies of mad science. We are a silent army of feminine brilliance, and it is high time we take our place at the forefront of our various disciplines. We have always been here, and it's time to make our voices heard.

So speak up!

Tell the men in your midst to sit down and listen. They had their turn at the helm, and now we are poised to take over. Smash the patriarchy, ladies--with science! Be unafraid to come out from your clandestine labs and secret cabals and announce to the world your own magnificence. Because your time has come.

OUR time has come.

This book is for you, ladies. Mad science is for you. Don't let antiquated presumptions of gender norms and internalized misogyny try to tell you otherwise. Enjoy this book, enjoy your prominence, and remember that the future is female.

In closing, I offer you just two further pieces of advice--lessons I've learned over the course of my career that will serve you well if you take them to heart:

Wear gloves when handling acetone, it will eat right through your nail color. And unless you're sure that platinum blonde coif on your head is 100% natural, leave the methylethylhydrazine IN THE CAN. I promise, you'll thank me.

Sincerely,

Edith McKinstrick Joubert

Professor Emeritus, L'ecole du Grabuge et Chimie, New Orleans, Louisiana

Edith Joubert (nee McKinstrick) was born on a rainy September morning in Tuscumbia, Alabama, in the waning years of World War II. She spent her childhood doing small-scale experiments on the field mice in the woods behind her home, and eventually on the other neighborhood children. After being run out of town by an angry mob in her teens, Edith relocated to New Orleans, where she found a community of like-minded science enthusiasts and, eventually, a professorship at L'ecole du Grabuge et Chimie. She spent forty years as a lecturer in the fields of alchemy, cross-species genetic manipulation, and singularity. Upon her retirement, she remained in New Orleans, where she spends her days pursuing her passions and occasionally accepts invitations to appear as a guest speaker at some of the preeminent institutions of mad science worldwide.

Amanda Cherry is a red-headed wife and mom, an actor, and an author loving life in the suburbs of Seattle, WA. She's an alumnus of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, whose biggest claim to fame is having once co-starred with a Gecko in an insurance commercial. Amanda's debut novel is scheduled for release in 2018. In the meantime, Amanda enjoys tweeting (@MandaTheGinger) and geeking out about Star Wars.

ESSAYS

FAILURE TO COMPLY

Diary by Raya Fallere and reports by L. D. Summus, as provided by Sarah Cavar

Art by Errow Collins

Purity Commission for the Maintenance of Our Perfect Order

Reports on The Recent Escape of Self-Hacking Defective

As transcribed by L. D. Summus

The following file has been collected from the personal belongings of Defective #34-dfQ, the recently escaped defective who was unlawfully birthed to citizens [name redacted] and [name redacted].

~

From the Personal Diary of Raya Fallere

Alia,

I knew when they beat you over the head with an axe. I knew when they laid you down on a hospital bed and your eyes shone. Once they injected you with whatever they did, they shut and you would open them different than you were before. The door wasn't ajar for long, either--soon they and you shut me out for good.

Alia, I knew when they carted you out of the room and your eyes, open now, still didn't shine. I knew what they had done, and I knew that you were no longer mine. Perhaps in body, although I had to share you with them. They who believe you embody sin. But Alia, I will always carry you with me. You embody the truth I know.

I had always known that bodies were different from what they told us. That perfect and pure ones didn't truly exist. It was certainly a sin to say so; they imagine bodies being so holy, so untouchable, so perfect from birth to demise. I had known from childhood that they were wrong, and as I grew older I saw more and more parts of me that did not belong. Remember when you found me, Alia? Remember when you found me, bleeding and bruised of my own doing? Remember when you asked me how exactly I turned soft, fleshy, innocent appendages into angry scars? They hung off my heart. Now, my heart is free.

You were so worried about infection. You cared. You saw me hidden beneath pine branches, buried in a cocoon of sharp verdure. Perhaps I'd have halfheartedly dug a grave, had you not stumbled upon me, curled up there, sap and blood clinging to me, remember? It stung.

You told me to be careful. You told me to be afraid.

I asked you, what do I have to fear? My body is about to die. The body that has never felt like my own, anyway.

Where are we now, Alia? I was never prepared to care for you the way you cared for me. That day when you pried your sap-covered fingers from my bloody flesh back at your house. The way you turned off your electricity, the way you took even the most bizarre and outlandish precautions in the name of some semblance of privacy. We both knew they're always watching, Alia. They are gods surveying creation. They watch through the cameras we can't live without. They watch through the holo-screens. The eyes of those who speak, trained on the eyes of those spoken unto.

I asked you with fear and confusion: how will we be real, connected, how will we engage with the universe around us if we are unplugged? And you told me, Alia, you told me that it shouldn't matter if I've really been dead a long time.

Insta-Ice is a numbing agent, the best around. I know because since childhood I've used it to make things disappear. When I cut off the tips of my fingers, sewing the baby-nubs of jagged flesh together once more, all I felt was a refreshing cool. When I left my mother behind, sewing my navel shut, an unbirthing. And then again, the same rush, the same chill, when I drove a needle straight into the white of my eye. I cried blood that felt like ice.

Did you know you can corrupt your eye with ink and still scan right into your home?

It was enjoyable. It was a game I wanted to play, and I played it to spite those who disallowed it. Eyes that can scan me into buildings, but are still real trouble for the authorities' Eye-dentification machines. Fingernails long gone; fingerprints sliced off; replaced with magnetic sensors. How else would I evade yet another method of pinpointing my exiled identity? They call us defectives, Alia.

Alia, they told us all that all of us were sacred, once. They told us all that once upon a time, before we learned just how pure and sacred our temple-bodies were, we would corrupt them. We would drive needles into our flesh, we would open and close ourselves at our leisure. We would feed ourselves poison