Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2015

By Jeremy Zimmerman and Dawn Vogel

Living pasta, sinister balloon animals, robotic torch singers. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2015 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Deborah Walker, Jamie Lackey, and Kaleigh Rodgerson. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, horoscopes, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include David-John Tyrer, Meg Merriet, Rich Knight, Jarod Anderson, L. L. Phelps, Robert Dawson, Leland Neville, K. G. Jewell, Sierra July, Diana Rohlman, K. Kitts, Jen Albert, Michael Hudson, Kate Elizabeth, Torrey Podmajersky, Scott Chaddon, Loria Chaddon, and Andy Brown. Illustrations are provided by Errow Collins, Luke Spooner, Shannon Legler, Justine McGreevy, Scarlett O'Hairdye, and Dawn Vogel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Apr 3, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310229664

Jeremy Zimmerman

Jeremy Zimmerman is a teller of tales who dislikes cute euphemisms for writing like “teller of tales.” His fiction has most recently appeared in 10Flash Quarterly, Arcane and anthologies from Timid Pirate Publishing. His young adult superhero book, Kensei, is now available. He is also the editor for Mad Scientist Journal. He lives in Seattle with five cats and his lovely wife (and fellow author) Dawn Vogel.

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2015

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art by Errow Collins

Copyright 2015 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

Futility is Copyright 2015 D. J. Tyrer

The Nightingale of Atlantic City is Copyright 2015 Meg Merriet

Lasagna with Legs is Copyright 2015 Rich Knight

Mr. Merkel's Mug is Copyright 2015 Jarod K. Anderson

Daddy Who is Copyright 2015 L. L. Phelps

Time Zones is Copyright 2013 Robert Dawson

Hamlet and Ashley is Copyright 2015 Leland Neville

Weaselbearer v. del Toro is Copyright 2015 K. G. Jewell

An Account of Earth's Doomsday is Copyright 2015 Sierra July

Til Death Do Us Part, and Part Again is Copyright 2015 Diana Rohlman

As You Know is Copyright 2015 K. Kitts

A Study of Host-Parasite Interactions is Copyright 2015 Jen R. Albert

Mad Science: Must We Be Evil? is Copyright 2015 Michael Hudson

The Sea is in My Blood is Copyright 2011 Deborah Walker

Her Mother's Book is Copyright 2015 Jamie Lackey

All Evidence to the Contrary is Copyright 2015 Kaleigh Rodgerson

Horrorscopes is Copyright 2015 Kate Elizabeth

Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2015 Torrey Podmajersky

Ground Breaking Sale!, Hiring Now, Seeking Research Sujects, Lost: Research Subjects, Mend My Broken Heart, I Want Your Body, and Cleaning Services Available are Copyright 2015 Scott Chaddon

Free to Good Home, Rabbits for Sale, Found, Wanted to buy (organs), and Wanted to buy (toenail clippings) are Copyright 2015 Loria Chaddon

Ossification Nation, Benjy's Time Travelling Grocery, and Root, Barnes and Tavistock Legal Services are Copyright 2015 Andy Brown

Art accompanying Futility, Mr. Merkel's Mug, Hamlet and Ashley, Til Death Do Us Part, and Part Again, and Mad Science: Must We Be Evil? are Copyright 2015 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying The Nightingale of Atlantic City, Weaselbearer v. del Toro, and A Study of Host-Parasite Interactions are Copyright 2015 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Lasagna with Legs is Copyright 2015 Justine McGreevy

Art accompanying Daddy Who and As You Know are Copyright 2015 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Andrew Cherry and Deb Schumacher!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Editor

ESSAYS

"Futility" provided by D. J. Tyrer

"The Nightingale of Atlantic City" provided by Meg Merriet

"Lasagna with Legs" provided by Rich Knight

"Mr. Merkel's Mug" provided by Jeff Phillips

"Daddy Who" provided by L. L. Phelps

"Time Zones" provided by Robert Dawson

"Hamlet and Ashley" provided by Leland Neville

"Weaselbearer v. del Toro" provided by K. G. Jewell

"An Account of Earth's Doomsday" provided by Sierra July

"Til Death Do Us Part, and Part Again" provided by Diana Rohlman

"As You Know" provided by K. Kitts

"A Study of Host-Parasite Interactions" provided by Jen R. Albert

"Mad Science: Must We Be Evil?" provided by Michael Hudson

FICTION

"The Sea is in My Blood" by Deborah Walker

"Her Mother's Book" by Jamie Lackey

"All Evidence to the Contrary" by Kaleigh Rodgerson

RESOURCES

"Horrorscopes" provided by Kate Elizabeth

"Ask Dr. Synthia" provided by Torrey Podmajerskey

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

By Dr. Jankenstein

If there's one thing I've learned in my time as a mad scientist, it is that there will always be people who want to tear you down. It must be a side effect of success, attaining heights of power over your rivals. No matter how far you come, there will always be people who say, Your name is dumb and you only won that reality show on a technicality.

What matters in the end is that you are the one with the $25 million prize, the schloss in Bavaria, and the military contract with the Principality of Liechtenstein. People can hate you all they want. It doesn't matter because you are the one who gets to lie sprawled out naked on your bearskin rug in front of the fireplace in your schloss.

So eat me, haters.

Russell Harrington, who is better known by his pseudonym, Dr. Jankenstein, was the winner of the mad science reality show Do You Even Science, Bro? Though originally the first contestant voted out of the lab, he was named the winner after the other nine contestants were destroyed in a rogue nanovirus incident. When not enjoying his rewards, he is touring to promote his autobiography, I Totally Science, Bro.

ESSAYS

FUTILITY

An essay by Dr. Robert Anstruther, as provided by D. J. Tyrer

Art by Luke Spooner

This is my seventieth day here in this bunker and I am no closer to understanding the true nature of the scourge afflicting mankind. Why are the dead walking the earth rather than resting easy in their graves? What has caused this? What motivates them? These are all questions I swore to answer. These are questions that must be answered if mankind is to survive. Only by understanding the hows and whys may we devise the strategies with which to combat this horror, perhaps discover a cure or a vaccine that can prevent the living from this terrible post-mortem fate, maybe even find a means for the living and dead to coexist.

All we know for certain is that this phenomenon is a new one, at least on this scale. Of course, there are all sorts of legends and folk tales about the dead returning to life, but few that hold any credibility as precursors to this global disaster and none that are comparable in scale. Thus any traditional explanations such as sin, curses, and pacts with the Devil can be rejected. Equally, the drug-induced state of certain Haitian zombies is of no help.

Although apocalyptic pronouncements that Hell is too full or that the dead are rising pending the final Judgement have been made, there is no empirical evidence to back such claims, and they are a poor fit for much observed behaviour.

Thus it is that the most popular explanation is that what appear to be the dead returned to a state of unlife are, in actuality, infected by a virus. Unlike supernatural claims, this possesses scientific plausibility and fits with the evidence that bites spread the infection. Unfortunately, there are many accounts of the dead rising without being bitten, meaning that bites are not the sole vector, if a source of infection at all, and calling into question the entire hypothesis. Unfortunately, any such virus has yet to be isolated and cannot yet explain the dead nature of victims: all the evidence indicates that the walking dead are just that and not infected humans.

In short, I remain mystified.

After initial attempts to isolate a virus went nowhere, I turned my attention to the dead themselves. Our earliest experiments focused upon their physiology. If there was no virus, nor any obvious sign of a parasite, perhaps we could still isolate the cause for their anomalous behaviour.

Ha! Sorry, I don't intend to make light of this, but surely anomalous is no longer the correct word for these? The dead that won't stay dead are the new normal.

But, I digress: they are why we are here.

Vivisection--dissection?--whichever is the apposite term--was our first course of action. Although the bunker is sufficiently isolated and concealed that we are not swarmed by the dead, nor the survivors who attract them, our hunting teams are easily able to bring in new test subjects. When Jackson was bitten, died, and rose again, we were able to follow the development of the transformation, but, although we stripped him down to the bone, we still found no more clues as to the cause. Once again, the bite was touted as the vector of transmission, but without a virus, it remained entirely possible that an infection caused by the rotted state of the mouth led to his death, and the restoration of motor functions had an entirely separate cause.

The dissections and limb amputations proved certain things, however. The first was that their circulatory system and lungs no longer functioned; as a result, they were impossible to anaesthetize, which made operating upon them extremely difficult. The nervous system, however, continues to function. Limbs that are removed are not motive. Whatever else we can say, the brain is the source of their animation; if the head is removed, the body will cease to function, but the head will remain active unless the brain is destroyed.

I have completely skeletonised subjects, and as long as some muscle remains and there is a nerve connection, a degree of activity will remain possible. Brains that have been removed from the skull have evidenced low level neurological activity until decay has rendered them non-functional. However, unlike the rest of the body, the brain decays at a curiously retarded rate for which, as yet, I have no explanation.

Despite this evidence of neurological activity, the amount appears to be too slight to allow for any sort of conscious thought. This fits with the observed behaviour of these walking dead, which is primarily instinctive and reactive. Many stand or wander aimlessly, only reacting when something directly disturbs them. Others repeat rote actions from their life. And, when they attack, their actions are simplistic, never cunning or exhibiting tactical finesse;