Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2017

By Jeremy Zimmerman and Dawn Vogel

Advances in mass production, tidying tips, and suggestions for the use of supernatural fluids. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2017 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Maureen Bowden, E. B. Fischadler, and David Harrison. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, horoscopes, and other brief messages from mad scientists.
Authors featured in this volume also include Alanna McFall, Andy Brown, Richard Zwicker, Liam Hogan, Deborah Walker, Jimmy Bernard, Lyn Godfrey, Calvin Demmer, Candida Spillard, Lisha Goldberg, Laura Duerr, Chris Marchant, John A. McColley, Scott Chaddon, Kate Elizabeth, and Sean Frost. Art by Errow Collins, Luke Spooner, Amanda Jones, GryphonShifter, Shannon Legler, Scarlett O'Hairdye, Ariel Alian Wilson, Dawn Vogel, and Justine McGreevy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Dec 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370521821

Jeremy Zimmerman

Jeremy Zimmerman is a teller of tales who dislikes cute euphemisms for writing like “teller of tales.” His fiction has most recently appeared in 10Flash Quarterly, Arcane and anthologies from Timid Pirate Publishing. His young adult superhero book, Kensei, is now available. He is also the editor for Mad Scientist Journal. He lives in Seattle with five cats and his lovely wife (and fellow author) Dawn Vogel.

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2017

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art and Layout by Errow Collins

Copyright 2017 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Radium is Copyright 2017 Alanna McFall

Quantum Entanglement for Better Living is Copyright 2017 E. B. Fischadler

The Hall of the Fallen is Copyright 2017 Maureen Bowden

Supernatural Zoological Fluids and their Applications is Copyright 2017 Andy Brown

Wood Man is Copyright 2017 Richard Zwicker

X X is Copyright 2015 Liam Hogan

The Frozen Hive of Her Mind is Copyright 2010 Deborah Walker

The Case Of Henrietta Beauchanson is Copyright 2017 Jimmy Bernard

The Hazards of Owning a Unicorn is Copyright 2016 Lyn Godfrey

The Snakes or the Humans? is Copyright 2017 Calvin Demmer

The Inverse Polygraph: A New Device for Implanting Thought Patterns is Copyright 2017 Candida Spillard

The Physics of Decluttering is Copyright 2017 Lisha Goldberg

Grimalkin and Hound is Copyright 2017 Laura Duerr

Uncle Georgie's Horse is Copyright 2017 Maureen Bowden

The Hill is Copyright 2014 David Harrison

My Starry Night is Copyright 2017 E. B. Fischadler

Horrorscopes is Copyright 2017 Kate Elizabeth

You Oort to Know is Copyright 2017 Sean Frost

For Rent (large rooms), For Rent (rooms), For Sale (superior honey), For Sale (laboratory equipment), For Sale (house clearance), Situation Vacant (assistant), Wanted (books), Accommodation Sought, and Wanted (vessel) are Copyright 2017 Chris Marchant

Summer Rooms for Rent, Rare Puppies for Sale, Parts for Sale, Call for Donations, Caretaker Wanted, and Test Subjects Needed are Copyright 2017 Scott Chaddon

For Sale: Pets, Perfect for Children, ISO Garden Help, ISO Likeminded Scientists and Engineers, LFW: Mechanic, and ISO Laboratory Space are Copyright 2017 John A. McColley

Art accompanying To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Radium, Supernatural Zoological Fluids and their Applications, The Frozen Hive of Her Mind, and The Inverse Polygraph: A New Device for Implanting Thought Patterns are Copyright 2017 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying Quantum Entanglement for Better Living is Copyright 2017 Amanda Jones

Art accompanying The Hall of the Fallen is Copyright 2017 Jessica Rowan Parker

Art accompanying Wood Man and The Snakes or the Humans? are Copyright 2017 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying X X is Copyright 2017 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Art accompanying The Case Of Henrietta Beauchanson is Copyright 2017 Errow Collins

Art accompanying The Hazards of Owning a Unicorn is Copyright 2017 Ariel Alian Wilson

Art accompanying The Physics of Decluttering is Copyright 2017 Dawn Vogel

Art accompanying Grimalkin and Hound is Copyright 2017 Justine McGreevy

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Simone Cooper, Andrew Cherry, John Nienart, Torrey Podmajersky, Wendy Wade, and Michele Ray!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Guest Editor

ESSAYS

"To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Radium" provided by Alanna McFall

"Quantum Entanglement for Better Living" provided by E. B. Fischadler

"The Hall of the Fallen" provided by Maureen Bowden

"Supernatural Zoological Fluids and their Applications" provided by Andy Brown

"Wood Man" provided by Richard Zwicker

"X X" provided by Liam Hogan

"The Frozen Hive of Her Mind" provided by Deborah Walker

"The Case Of Henrietta Beauchanson" provided by Jimmy Bernard

"The Hazards of Owning a Unicorn" provided by Lyn Godfrey

"The Snakes or the Humans?" provided by Calvin Demmer

"The Inverse Polygraph: A New Device for Implanting Thought Patterns" provided by Candida Spillard

"The Physics of Decluttering" provided by Lisha Goldberg

"Grimalkin and Hound" provided by Laura Duerr

FICTION

"Uncle Georgie's Horse" by Maureen Bowden

"The Hill" by David Harrison

"My Starry Night" by E. B. Fischadler

RESOURCES

Horrorscopes provided by Kate Elizabeth

"You 'Oort' to Know" provided by Sean Frost

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE GUEST EDITOR

by Sd'th'tigñhöa39

Greetings Scientists of Earth,

In the interest of creating a dialogue between yourselves and my people, I have accepted this honorary title of guest editor. After countless reassurances that this title came with no responsibilities, I agreed to it. However, the editors then told me that I needed to write a letter from the editor. Needless to say, they have been dealt with summarily.

I spent a considerable amount of time and energy researching what one is to say in a letter, and I must say that I find the entire practice archaic. Why have the scientists of Earth not yet developed a device to allow Earthlings to share their thoughts telepathically? Such a transfer is far more efficient than this letter that I am writing.

Here, allow me to demonstrate ...

On second thought, perhaps not. It seems, based on the trail of screaming Earthlings with whom I have shared my thoughts, that perhaps your planet is not ready for such a level of intimacy. I rescind my suggestion. I hope you enjoy my letter and that it causes no untoward screaming.

In peace and harmony,

Sd'th'tigñhöa39

Sd'th'tigñhöa39 hails from the planet most commonly known as HOWI-1398, but known locally as Qat'ji. Their hobbies include reading, quiet telepathic communication that does not involve any screaming whatsoever, and their local equivalent of scuba diving. As of this time, Sd'th'tigñhöa39 plans to hold their title of guest editor for only a few days more, but they are not quite sure what to do with their life after being given such a great honor.

ESSAYS

TO DR. VON LUPE, CONCERNING THE RADIUM

A letter by Dr. Elizabeth Chu, as provided by Alanna McFall

Art by Luke Spooner

To Dr. Von Lupe, the Dark Star that Will Soon Eclipse the Sun,

Thank you, from your loyal servants and subjects. Praises be upon you, my master and liege. A million prostrations of gratitude towards you, the center of all my focus and attention. You, my revered Dr. Von Lupe, are an extraordinary man.

As you may be able to tell, we here in the underground bunker have received your latest delivery of supplies. And in your infinite wisdom and generosity, you have decided to include food this time. Food intended for humans, even! While Dr. Quinn and I were rather developing a fondness for the reconstituted chum slurry, our test subjects were not thrilled about having to split their rations. Squid can be finicky when it comes to food, and when you make them hyper-intelligent, they become craftier about expressing their frustrations. So the arrival of the canned goods has eased a lot of tensions in the cave.

I also cannot help but notice that we have some new fellow captives. Dr. Singh and Dr. Velasco are settling into their lives of enslavement nicely, and may I just say thank you for finding actual geologists this time to build your volcano machine. As marine biologists, Dr. Quinn and I are getting to learn so much we never knew about the mineral composition of our wretched subterranean home. And after almost a year and a half with only Dr. Quinn to talk to, it is nice to have some fresh faces. (I am recovering quite rapidly from where she stabbed me, by the way, and her psychosis is under much better control, I hope it will please you to know.) Overall, things are feeling quite cheery in this hole in the ground that we are destined to spend the rest of our short lives in. We truly thank you for this, oh Terrifying One.

There are, however, two small issues that are putting a strain on morale, and I hope I may have the liberty to bring them to your attention. I know your opinions on liberty in general, but I feel these are important concerns.

Firstly, there is a rapidly worsening shortage of feminine hygiene products within the bunker. I am thankfully past the age where this is a concern, but Dr. Quinn and Dr. Velasco have come into rather dire straits regarding these vital supplies. If the next supply drop could include a large number of tampons or pads, we would all be incredibly grateful.

Secondly, you appear to have given us large amounts of what seems to be unsecured radium along with the supplies. The four of us have conferred on this matter, and we feel that this situation is somewhat less than ideal for the successful running of our lab. And we hope that you will come to agree with our reasoning once I have explained it.

You see, Elegant and Imposing Emperor-to-Be, Drs. Quinn, Velasco, Singh, and I are all lowly humans, mere worms in your sight. And as such, we are prone to developing medical problems when exposed to large amounts of radiation, as is currently happening inside our cave. We have constructed rudimentary defenses against the onslaught, cannibalized from our research equipment, but we fear that it will not be nearly enough to protect us. Under the current conditions, our grisly and incredibly painful deaths seem very imminent, which would delay both Project Kraken and Project Magma-tron for the foreseeable future.

The note included with the radium has illuminated your reasoning in this matter, my overlord, and we fully understand and appreciate your intentions. Dr. Quinn and I know that you have been dissatisfied with the progress of our squid subjects, insisting that they be made enormous as well as sentient (if I recall correctly, the rough goals for growth were must be large enough to sink an air craft carrier). And the exposure of test subjects to nuclear radiation in order to increase their size is a technique with a long and ... storied history. I am not saying that it has never worked, exactly, but I must say that in this context, it may not be the most practical course of action.

The progress of our test subjects is, quite frankly, astounding. The fact that our prime specimen, the squid named Suzie Q, is now able to crochet specific patterns in different colors in her scarves is a breakthrough of epic proportions and indicates that we may be very close to breaking the interspecies language barrier with her. I do not think it would be a wise use of our resources to take such a fascinating specimen and give her cancer. And get cancer ourselves in the progress. Neither of these things feels like productive uses of our time, if you will grant me clemency for saying.

Breeding our squid specimens for increased size is a priority for us, my Vicious Leader Who Lurks in the Moonless Night. But these things must be done with careful planning and delicacy, not several pounds of extremely toxic material delivered along with our canned peaches. (Thank you again for the peaches, as they are one of my favorite foods. I have already had to defend them from Dr. Quinn, but the loss of those teeth was worth it.) Perhaps there may be circumstances in the future where we will require small, controlled amounts of radioactive material for our work. But until that time, and until we have the proper experimental conditions prepared, I respectfully plea and grovel that you stop delivering radium. And take back the radium you have already given us. The chronic nosebleeds are both uncomfortable and inconvenient, as well as putting an even stronger highlight on the tampon shortage.

I just ... I have to wonder, my infinitely wise and esteemed master, if you know what radiation is or what it does. As well as the note about the squid growth, the guards who made the delivery seemed to be under the impression that the radium would also be used for the volcano machine. While