Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2018

By DefCon One Publishing

Cooking advice, previously undiscovered species, and tortured artists. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2017 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Laura Arciniega, Judith Field, and Alexander Forbes. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, gossip column, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include E. B. Fischadler, Zach Bartlett, Catherine L. Brooke, Tamoha Sengupta, Darren Ridgley, Maureen Bowden, H. Pueyo, J. A. Psoras, Robert Dawson, J. A. Grier, Stewart C. Baker, Rebecca Siân Pyne, Joachim Heijndermans, Sophie Sparrow, David Wing, Andy Brown, Lucinda Gunnin, and Sean Frost. Art provided by Errow Collins, Scarlett O'Hairdye, Shannon Legler, Luke Spooner, Amanda Jones, Justine McGreevy, and Liz Argall.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Dec 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370275267

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2018

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art and Layout by Errow Collins

Copyright 2017 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

www.madscientistjournal.org

www.patreon.com/madscientistjournal

Letter from the Guest Editor is Copyright 2017 Tim McDaniel

A Chef's Microbiology is Copyright 2017 E. B. Fischadler

Excerpts from the Diary of Theodore Miro, Competitor on CryptoChefs Season 2 is Copyright 2017 Zach Bartlett

Space Cthulhu and the Cosmic Sneeze is Copyright 2017 Catherine L. Brooke

Why the Village of Shiminpur is Empty is Copyright 2017 Tamoha Sengupta

There Will Be No Encore is Copyright 2017 Darren Ridgley

A Question of Somatics is Copyright 2017 Maureen Bowden

The Wing Collector is Copyright 2017 H. Pueyo

In Lieu of the Upper Hand is Copyright 2017 J. A. Psoras

Lucky Stars is Copyright 2014 Robert Dawson

Permanent Exhibition is Copyright 2017 J. A. Grier

Concerning Your Recent Creation of Sentient Horse-things on the Next Planet Over is Copyright 2015 Stewart C. Baker

Reproductive Strategy in a New Giant Carnivorous Ostracod is Copyright 2017 Rebecca Siân Pyne

A Sunny Day on the Ziggurat and Ear-worm are Copyright 2017 Joachim Heijndermans

Gratitude is Copyright 2017 Alexander Forbes

Leaky Magic is Copyright 2013 Judith Field

The Milk of Planets is Copyright 2017 Laura Arciniega

Scenes Around the Lab is Copyright 2017 Lucinda Gunnin

You 'Oort' to Know is Copyright 2017 Sean Frost

Cult of Athkbaa'l Now Recruiting, For Sale (coffin), Seeking Undergraduates, Lost Ferret, Homosapiens, House Clearance, Serious Bargains, and Are You Frustrated by Lazy Lab Techs? are Copyright 2017 Sophie Sparrow

Fictional Pets for Sale, Interdimensional Travel Insurance, and Zombie and Other Creature Replant are Copyright 2017 David J. Wing

Murray Gatawny's Time And Space Day Trips is Copyright 2017 Andy Brown

Art accompanying A Chef's Microbiology and Lucky Stars are Copyright 2017 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Art accompanying Excerpts from the Diary of Theodore Miro, Competitor on CryptoChefs Season 2 and The Wing Collector are Copyright 2017 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Space Cthulhu and the Cosmic Sneeze, In Lieu of the Upper Hand, and A Sunny Day on the Ziggurat are Copyright 2017 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying Why the Village of Shiminpur is Empty and Permanent Exhibition are Copyright 2017 Amanda Jones

Art accompanying There Will Be No Encore is Copyright 2017 Justine McGreevy

Art accompanying A Question of Somatics and Reproductive Strategy in a New Giant Carnivorous Ostracod are Copyright 2017 Errow Collins

Art accompanying Concerning Your Recent Creation of Sentient Horse-things on the Next Planet Over is Copyright 2015 Liz Argall

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Simone Cooper, Andrew Cherry, John Nienart,

Torrey Podmajersky, and Michele Ray!

Visit us at patreon.com/madscientistjournal to lend your support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Guest Editor

ESSAYS

"A Chef's Microbiology" provided by E. B. Fischadler

"Excerpts from the Diary of Theodore Miro, Competitor on CryptoChefs Season 2" provided by Zach Bartlett

"Space Cthulhu and the Cosmic Sneeze" provided by Catherine L. Brooke

"Why the Village of Shiminpur is Empty" provided by Tamoha Sengupta

"There Will Be No Encore" provided by Darren Ridgley

"A Question of Somatics" provided by Maureen Bowden

"The Wing Collector" provided by H. Pueyo

"In Lieu of the Upper Hand" provided by J. A. Psoras

"Lucky Stars" provided by Robert Dawson

"Permanent Exhibition" provided by J. A. Grier

"Concerning Your Recent Creation of Sentient Horse-things on the Next Planet Over" provided by Stewart C. Baker

"Reproductive Strategy in a New Giant Carnivorous Ostracod" provided by Rebecca Siân Pyne

"A Sunny Day on the Ziggurat" provided by Joachim Heijndermans

FICTION

"Gratitude" by Alexander Forbes

"Leaky Magic" by Judith Field

"The Milk of Planets" by Laura Arciniega

RESOURCES

"Scenes Around the Lab" provided by Lucinda Gunnin

"You 'Oort' to Know" provided by Sean Frost

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE GUEST EDITOR

by Dr. Clive Crawley, as provided by Tim McDaniel

Dear Readers--Readers, I say!

When I accepted the request, the entreaty, the demand for me to be Guest Editor of this esteemed publication, a journal which has yet to shame itself as did the Journal of Hydrogeology and Hydrologic Engineering, when they foolishly and maliciously refused to print my study concerning the implantation of inward-focused argon lasers in the eye-sockets of armadillos--they called it mad. Mad, I tell you! Is it mad to desire to increase the range of human knowledge? Is it insane to want to find out what would happen if an armadillo could, at will, burn out those sections of the brain that inhibit a full expression of preferred activities? Imagine the military applications! Mad? I think not! Also, that it didn't fit the theme of the journal. Fools! And now the paper must be self-published, indeed, self-published! On Kindle! My daughter will do that, as I refuse to waste my priceless, my treasured, my esteemed time on acquiring the computational skills necessitated by such a task.

Fonts! Don't get me started on fonts! I know, I realize, I fathom the cost of utilizing the erroneous and perhaps immoral font! Jenvold and Lee mortified me, humiliated me, even disconcerted me, at the conference in Vienna in 2003, because of my use of a certain font. They laughed at me! Jenvold and Lee, and Helman, and yes, Professor Denavov! They laughed! But I will show them. I will show them all, I tell you! Fonts! What use is a font, I ask you, to the laughers, those who chortle and guffaw, those who smirk and mindlessly grin, to those who deride me--what use, when such as those are penned in my basement, next to the bubbling vat containing the former turtle? Yes, yes--let them laugh then! I doubt that they will find themselves overly concerned with fonts as my delicate instruments, and others maybe not so delicate, crude and needlessly painful, so I am told, remove certain lobes, and reinsert them only after they have been subjected to rays, yes, rays from the electromagnetic spectrum! Also food dyes, because why not? Ah, visages of horrified incomprehension, or even more horrified comprehension. Yes, I doubt, I suspect, there will be a dearth of laughter, or scorn!

But as I was saying, when I accepted the post of Guest Editor for this journal--the Journal of Hydrogeology and Hydrologic Engineering, I believe it is called, I had no idea, no conception, of the ceaseless drudgery, the grinding labor, the boundless tedium such a task entailed! I have been forced--forced, I tell you!--to neglect my other work--my time distiller, my weaponized mangoes, my near-death ray--none of which can be mentioned, the names of which cannot even be reverently breathed, lest the fools, the meddlers, the eminently qualified, intervene and filch!

But it is now done, and I suppose that it will look good on my resume.

-- Dr. Clive Crawley

Dr. Clive Crawley was for a time associated with the Institute of Scientific Research, conducting explorations into forbidden topics and prohibited areas, specializing in delving into secrets man was not meant to know. However, everywhere Dr. Crawley met resistance, opposition, and doubt, from the fools, the incompetent, the petty and shortsighted (sometimes also nearsighted) idiots, and left the Institute under something of a cloud, the toxic nature of which has yet to be explained. Since that time, Dr. Crawley has lived with his daughter, Molly, in a large house with the requisite attic and basement space, from which odd sounds and smells are sometimes emitted.

Tim McDaniel teaches English as a Second Language at Green River College, not far from Seattle. His short stories, mostly comedic, have appeared in a number of SF/F magazines, including F&SF and Asimov's. He lives with his wife, dog, and cat, and his collection of plastic dinosaurs is the envy of all who encounter it. Several tales concerning Dr. Crawley have seen print, most notably in Asimov's. Check out his author page at Amazon.

ESSAYS

A CHEF'S MICROBIOLOGY

Reviewed by Phil A. Minyawn

Brought to our attention by E. B. Fischadler

Art by Scarlett O'Hairdye

If you're reading this over lunch, or even a snack, put it away until you're done eating. For that matter, don't read A Chef's Microbiology by Lotta Wurms unless you need to drop a few dozen pounds; it has left me wondering if I will ever eat again. This book comes on the heels of Wurms' other fine book on food: Digestive Forensics, in which Wurms describes how she learned that her adolescent was gorging on junk food by examining the child's vomitus. Wurms on food is (are?) clearly suitable only for those with an iron stomach.

The book starts off innocently enough, enumerating the dozens of species of microbes that create the several varieties of green and blue cheese. Wurms soon digresses far afield when she purports to demonstrate the existence of life on the moon, specifically the microbe Noxious Gorgonzolas, which, she argues, converted a pleasant Camembert into the green cheese that composes the Earth's satellite.

She returns to more familiar turf, albeit macro, not microbiology, in her discussions of biologic meat tenderizers. Reading her formula for crispy beef made me gag on a dish of rice. Wurms places a tough cut of beef with hundreds of maggots into a plastic bag that she tosses in the fridge for a few days. Over that period, the maggots eat most of the connective tissue in the meat, making it tender. Wurms also recommends this as a means to store meat without refrigeration, as the maggots prefer meat gone bad; they will eat the rancid outer layers, leaving a core of fresh meat.

The meat, maggots and all, is then roasted at 350 degrees for 30 minutes per pound. The result is a medium to well-done roast, tender inside with a crunchy outer coating. My nutritionist neighbor insists the coating has no nutrient value, but that it acts like an overdose of fiber on the digestive tract.

Wurms' concept for the kitchen silo arose when she noted that some popular high-fiber digestive aids are merely fine wood fibers dissolved in water. She sets up a stovepipe on the counter, into which she tosses peels, rinds, and used toothpicks. She then starts the silo with an over-the-counter probiotic. After several weeks, Wurms pulls the resulting silage from the bottom of the stack, which she serves as a side dish similar to naturally fermented sauerkraut. It's a bit hard to discriminate between Wurms' silage and compost--both taste about the same to me. This may be an example of the fine distinctions one encounters in haute cuisine.

Several novel approaches to meats appear in Wurms' book. Her technique of using hemorrhagic fevers to render meat free of blood and thus kosher must be employed with caution. Unless one selects a disease that can be killed by heat, the consumer will be rendered as pale as the beef.

Wurms also has some innovative techniques for less popular cuts of beef. For example, she carefully selects cattle with mad cow disease when looking for sweetbread. Mad cow disease, known in the technical literature as bovine spongiform encephalitis, creates pores in the poor animal's brain, making it resemble a sponge. Wurms appreciates this as giving the sweetbread a unique texture and lightness.

When preparing tripe, Wurms has the cow eat a specific diet consisting of several types of vegetables. After slaughtering and butchering the cow, she cooks the stomach with its contents intact. The digestive juices give the contents a vinegary taste that Wurms likens to salad with Italian dressing.

One of the perks of being a food writer is trying new recipes on friends before they become fads. In the case of Wurms' book, I was in no hurry. I doubt her cooking will be fashionable in my (or anyone else's) lifetime.

On a recent Saturday evening, some former friends and I shared a meal described in Wurms' book. It begins with an appetizer of mold gelatin. You read that right. This is not a gelatin molded to a particular shape. It's a pile of mold allowed to reach the stage where it resembles a lump of greenish Jell-O.

The main course was Wurms' sausage. Not only is the name a reference to the author, it is also a description of the contents. Fortunately, roasting in a 450 degree oven for 30 minutes is usually adequate to make the contents stop moving.

As a side, Wurms suggests a salad made with Venus Flytrap. The variety she specifies doesn't simply sit and wait for some unfortunate insect. It hunts its food. This helps keep the presentation neat, as the salad consumes any crumbs, as well as escaped contents of the sausage before it gets too far.

When I announced dessert, the guests' enthusiasm increased dramatically, as they were under the impression that Wurms included no desserts in her cookbook. Boy, were they ever wrong! Wurms' custard surprise is prepared by first making an incredibly sweet custard, then leaving it on the counter long enough for ants to find it. She then has the cook fold the ants into the custard. More than one of the guests made oblique comments on the sharp contrast between the sweetness of the custard and the acidic taste of the ants.[1]

In contrast to her obvious mastery of culinary science, Wurms' ability as a biologist has come into question. One prior reviewer wrote Rather than being trained in an academic kitchen, I would assert that Wurms learned her skills in a sewage treatment plant.[2] Who am I to argue? Yet one must grant that Wurms' introduction of the underappreciated public works to the kitchen is a unique contribution to fusion cuisine.

One example of Wurms' weakness in biology is her confusion of the species Arthrotaxis myestosase and Arthrotaxis myestosose. One could forgive her the occasional typo, but the genetic code of these species is sufficiently different that the correct identification is immediately obvious.[3]

Wurms also fails to meet the bar as a tutor of biology. A party game she invented entails serving two plates of lamb hors-d'oeuvre at cocktail parties. One is roasted with the usual herbs. The same recipe is used to prepare the second, with the addition of salmonella. Wurms asserts that she can differentiate the two based on taste, and that she can teach anyone to do so as well. The untimely deaths of her first three husbands demonstrates that she cannot.

Not only has Wurms begun a new school of fusion cuisine, but her work includes contributions to anthropology. Writers of books on the diet of past civilizations have cited Wurms' cookbook. For example: Wurms has created a cookbook suitable to Neanderthals but too crude for Cro Magnon.[4]

It is with the same sort of anticipation that a convict has for the electric chair that I look forward to Wurms' forthcoming book: Dark Coffee: Beverages Made With Recycled Wastewater, though I suspect it is hardly a coffee table book.

~

NOTES

[1] That special flavor comes from formic acid, which ants make to digest wood.

[2] Scatological Review Letters vol 12. It should be noted that this reviewer apparently has a bone to pick. He goes on to state: Wurms can't seem to decide which end of the alimentary canal she's working.

[3] The genetic code for Arthrotaxis myestosase ends in the string GATCGGTACTTTGCCATCAAGGTGCCATGCCCTAG, whereas the genetic code for Arthrotaxis myestosose ends in GATCGGTACTTTGCCATCAAGGTGCGATGCCCTAG.

[4] The Caveman Cookbook by Wilma Flintstone, Bedrock Press 2012 BC.

Phil A. Minyawn came to culinary science with a degree in physics. He readily made the transition from nuclear fusion to fusion cuisine. His book If it Quarks