Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2018

By DefCon One Publishing

Cutting-edge experimentation, endangered species, and restaurant franchise opportunities. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2018 collects fourteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Anne Breen, James Jensen, and Jamie Lackey. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, gossip column, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Veronica Brush, Tara Campbell, Julia K. Patt, Alyssa N. Vaughn, Nicole Tanquary, Matthew R. Davis, J. Harper, Thomas Diehl, Joachim Heijndermans, Denzell Cooper, Sarah Yasin, Rachel Rodman, Theodore C. Van Alst, Jr., Melanie Rees, Richard Krepski, Andy Brown, John McColley, LaVa Payne, Sophia Sparrow, Lucinda Gunnin, and Torrey Podmajersky. Cover art and layout by A. Jones.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Sep 25, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463722121

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2018

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art and Layout by A. Jones

Copyright 2018 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

www.madscientistjournal.org

www.patreon.com/madscientistjournal

Letter from the Editor is Copyright 2018 Veronica Brush

Hollywood Cafe is Copyright 2013 Tara Campbell

Missed Connections: Creature Seeking Creator is Copyright 2018 Julia K. Patt

The Day I Saved the Science Fair is Copyright 2018 Alyssa N. Vaughn

Deddville is Copyright 2018 Nicole Tanquary

The Girl Who Killed Gods is Copyright 2018 Matthew R. Davis

To See the Light is Copyright 2018 J. Harper

Fetch Monkey is Copyright 2018 Thomas Diehl

In memoriam: Hammy, the Last Pig on Earth, Lara & the Laserfists, Water Polo, Wok Like an Egyptian, The Church of Spoon, The Dark Star Cycle: The Comic Book, Hyprozone Bike, Ragnarok Casting Call, and Sheol Island Vacations are Copyright 2018 Joachim Heijndermans

The Benefits and Risks of Calorific Fat Cell Inversion is Copyright 2018 Denzell Cooper

Weed of Ill-Omen is Copyright 2018 Sarah Yasin

How to Build a Pig-Duck is Copyright 2018 Rachel Rodman

Guts is Copyright 2018 Theodore C. Van Alst, Jr.

Two to the Power of One is Copyright 2013 Melanie Rees

The Synchronicity of Guilt and Gravity is Copyright 2018 Richard Krepski

Change Always Means an Ending is Copyright 2018 Jamie Lackey

A Being with Two Bodies is Copyright 2018 Anne Breen

Saving the Day is Copyright 2018 James Jensen

Scenes Around the Lab is Copyright 2018 Lucinda Gunnin

Ask Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2018 Torrey Podmajersky

Area 52: Alien Tech Sale and Le Fumeur: Tobaccos of Note are Copyright 2018 Andy Brown

Great Work From Home Opportunity and LFW: Experienced Doomsday Machine Repairperson are Copyright 2018 John A. McColley

Upgrading My Arms is Copyright 2018 LaVa Payne

The Ghost's Guide to Getting Ahead in Modern Death is Copyright 2018 Sophie Sparrow

Illustrations accompanying Hollywood Cafe, To See the Light, Weed of Ill-Omen, and Guts are Copyright 2018 Luke Spooner

Illustrations accompanying Missed Connections: Creature Seeking Creator, Fetch Monkey, In memoriam: Hammy, the Last Pig on Earth, and How to Build a Pig-Duck are Copyright 2018 Leigh Legler

Illustrations accompanying The Day I Saved the Science Fair, The Benefits and Risks of Calorific Fat Cell Inversion, and Two to the Power of One are Copyright 2018 A. Jones

Illustration accompanying Deddville is Copyright 2018 Scarlett O’Hairdye

Illustrations accompanying The Girl Who Killed Gods and The Synchronicity of Guilt and Gravity are Copyright 2018 Errow Collins

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Simone Cooper, Andrew Cherry, John Nienart, Torrey Podmajersky, Michele Ray, GMark Cole, and Dagmar Baumann!

Visit us at patreon.com/madscientistjournal to lend your support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Guest Editor

ESSAYS

"Hollywood Cafe" provided by Tara Campbell

"Missed Connections: Creature Seeking Creator" provided by Julia K. Patt

"The Day I Saved the Science Fair" provided by Alyssa N. Vaughn

"Deddville" provided by Nicole Tanquary

"The Girl Who Killed Gods" provided by Matthew R. Davis

"To See the Light" provided by J. Harper

"Fetch Monkey" provided by Thomas Diehl

"In memoriam: Hammy, the Last Pig on Earth" provided by Joachim Heijndermans

"The Benefits and Risks of Calorific Fat Cell Inversion" provided by Denzell Cooper

"Weed of Ill-Omen" provided by Sarah Yasin

"How to Build a Pig-Duck" provided by Rachel Rodman

"Guts" provided by Theodore C. Van Alst, Jr.

"Two to the Power of One" provided by Melanie Rees

"The Synchronicity of Guilt and Gravity" provided by Richard Krepski

FICTION

"Change Always Means an Ending" is Copyright 2018 Jamie Lackey

"A Being with Two Bodies" is Copyright 2018 Anne Breen

"Saving the Day" is Copyright 2018 James Jensen

RESOURCES

"Scenes Around the Lab" provided by Lucinda Gunnin

"Ask Dr. Synthia" provided by Torrey Podmajersky

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE GUEST EDITOR: HOW TO NOT BE LONELY WHILE PURSUING WORLD DOMINATION

By Dr. Mathasar Hatter, as provided by Veronica Brush

Let's face it: the path to greatness is a lonely one. Maybe you knew this before getting into Mad Scientistry. Or perhaps you looked around one day after a successful genetic splicing experiment and realized there was no one there to celebrate with you, largely due to all those failed genetic splicing experiments.

But just because your groundbreaking ideas are ahead of their time, and admittedly sometimes end in mass casualties in the nearby town, doesn't mean you don't deserve to have a fulfilling personal life.

So I've taken the liberty of compiling a few steps that helped me to improve my social life and escape that lonely mad scientist stereotype. These should work for any kind of mad scientist, whether you're into doomsday machines or just want to prove that you can make better creations than God.

1.) Hire a good-looking assistant

If you're like me, you probably always gravitate towards short, deformed, and just plain ugly assistants. Their hideousness is a great way to make yourself feel better by comparison, and you don't feel so bad for beating them.

While it may be counterintuitive, I've found that hiring a good-looking assistant actually has a lot of benefits for your life, both personally and professionally. People are less afraid of you if you have a nice-looking assistant, which means you'll start being approached by more individuals wanting to be friends and fewer angry mobs wanting to drive you out.

Plus, there's always the chance that your assistant will be so awed by your amazing scientific prowess that they will fall in love with you. And if they're attractive, it's much less awkward than when your typical Igor confesses his true feelings for you.

2.) Disguise that mind-numbing, all-consuming hatred as a chip on your shoulder

No one gets into Mad Scientistry without some serious baggage. There's nothing wrong with that. Personal vendettas are incredibly motivating. However, loudly vowing terrible revenge on any who cross you can put unwelcome pressure on new acquaintances you hope to make into friends. What's a bitter, broken scientist to do?

Some people might try therapy to address their issues, forgive past wrongs, and move forward with a fresh start. And those people aren't ever going to be crowned king of the world.

Hang onto your bitterness, but hide how much it has darkened the very fibers of your soul and instead try to act more like a mainstream angry person.

The next time someone does something to upset you, refrain from explaining how they'll beg for your forgiveness when the world is feeling the full extent of your awful creation. Try flipping them off instead. It's a more socially acceptable form of disdain for your fellow human beings. And not knowing it's coming will in no way lessen the full extent of your wrath when it strikes your enemies.

3.) Try a dating app

Dating apps are full of people who have lowered their standards to levels that are more Mad Scientist-inclusive.

If all else fails, remember that this is only a phase of your life. One day, if you keep working hard, you very well may be in charge of the world. Then you won't need friends because you'll have something better: subjects.

Dr. Mathasar Hatter first found his mad scientist calling at the age of 6, when the elementary school English teacher called his science fair project unrealistic (totally ignoring his extensive proof that any animal could, in fact, have gills implanted). You may be familiar with some of his more noteworthy successful experiments: flammable water and the self-cleaning death machine. He has also been accused of creating the Great Lakes Loch Ness Monster, but it has yet to be proved.

Veronica Brush is the author of First Grave on Mars and Second Deception on Mars, a murder mystery series about the first colonizers of the red planet. She has also published several non-fiction pieces about Mars and other parts of the universe. Clearly she likes her space.

ESSAYS

HOLLYWOOD CAFE

A letter from Nick Nickerson, as provided by Tara Campbell

Art provided by Luke Spooner

Dear Brian Jones,

Congratulations on owning a new Hollywood Café franchise! We are proud to welcome you to the Hollywood family. We were impressed with your prior background in the restaurant business and your entrepreneurial drive, and will support you every step of the way toward your future success!

If there is one thing you should remember, it's this: there is no such thing as your success without our success. As long as people believe in the Hollywood brand, they'll believe in YOU! Tape this to your mirror as a daily reminder:

Your hard work + OUR brand = YOUR Hollywood Blockbuster

For your initial investment of $ 10,000 we will equip your restaurant with 1 (one) Tastee-lite™ Replicator(s) and 3 (three) celebrity cell cultures. According to our market research, ingredients sourced from the following celebrities should attract the maximum number of consumers in your area:

Danny Devito (for subs and melts)

Kathy Gifford (for salads and omelets)

David Hasselhoff (for soups and stews)

Please confirm acceptance of these selections by initialing next to each one in the enclosed franchise agreement.

As you build your restaurant, you will be given the opportunity to acquire additional celebrity cultures and expand your menu. Please do not attempt to accelerate the process by accepting samples from local celebrities. All products served at Hollywood Café franchises must be generated in our Tastee-lite™ Replicators from celebrity stock shipped directly from our distribution centers. We have a strict policy of serving our customers only A- and B-list celebrity ingredients. Any infringement of this practice misrepresents the Hollywood brand and constitutes grounds for immediate dissolution of the franchise.

Successful franchises will have the opportunity to participate in exciting promotions. We are proud to announce that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have agreed to donate tissue samples, which will be merged, replicated, and distributed in time for the Brangelina on Rye promotion this fall. The top 50 franchises in the U.S. will be given the opportunity to participate, and all proceeds from this sandwich will go toward combating child hunger in Uganda.

Another item worth mentioning: there is no Skid Row Skirt Steak on our value menu. This is not an actual Hollywood Café product, but rather an appalling falsehood taken out of context from notes allegedly leaked from a corporate ideation session. This documentation is of dubious authenticity; in any case, offering such a product would run counter to our principles. Your startup packet includes an affidavit attesting to the non-existence of the Skid Row Skirt Steak for any patrons or protesters who may inquire.

Once again, I wish you a warm welcome to the Hollywood Café franchise family. To get started, initial, sign, and return the enclosed franchise agreement. If you have any questions at all, please do not hesitate to contact your regional coordinator.

Sincerely,

Nick Nickerson, AA, BA, MBA

P.S. Franchise tip of the month: several owners have reported an increase in traffic after hiring cranky-but-loveable waitresses named Frances or Dorothy who tuck their pens into lopsided ponytails and cram their tickets into the order wheel with a certain je ne sais quoi.

Nick Nickerson is proud to bring the best of culinary innovation to American families, and is excited to announce that he is bringing his franchise to the U.K. In honor of his new London location, he is creating groundbreaking dishes such as Fast 'n' Furious Fish 'n' Chips, featuring Dwayne Johnson, and Sam Shepard Pie.

Tara Campbell [www.taracampbell.com] is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and a fiction editor at Barrelhouse. Prior publication credits include SmokeLong Quarterly, Litbreak, Masters Review, b(OINK), Queen Mob's Teahouse, and Mad Scientist Journal. Her novel, TreeVolution, was released in 2016, and her collection, Circe's Bicycle, was published in spring 2018.

Hollywood Cafe originally appeared in Punchnel's in July 2013.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: CREATURE SEEKING CREATOR

Correspondence initiated by Unclassified Sample 38267, as provided by Julia K. Patt

Art provided by Leigh Legler

Are you there, Professor? It's me, Unclassified.

You: A brilliant but ostracized xenobiologist, recently denied tenure from a prestigious university.

Me: The beaker of extraterrestrial goop you definitely weren't supposed to bring home from the lab and combine with iguana DNA and an unfertilized condor egg. (Seriously, isn't that sort of an extreme response?)

Look, I don't blame you for running out the door when I hatched, but we really should talk.

Awaiting your reply.

~

Professor: Where are you, Unclassified?

I'm sorry about abandoning you. I didn't expect you to be so big. And scaly. And feathery. And sentient. It's been a long month. No tenure and then fired in disgrace.

Not to mention Angela.

You weren't in the lab when I came back. Tell me where to find you and we'll talk.

~

Unclassified: In due time.

I'm doing fine now, thanks for asking. Some skater kids adopted me and set me up in an abandoned building by the docks. They're teaching me how to do flips. And what sarcasm is.

Who's Angela?

~

Professor: I'm not kidding. Where are you?

We need to get you contained as soon as possible. No one's had the opportunity to study your biology. You could be toxic. Lives could be at risk.

Angela is my ex-wife.

~

Unclassified: In the city.

Rumors of my radioactivity are greatly exaggerated. Not interested in being dissected either. I'm guessing the only risk is to your career. But you already blew that up, didn't you?

The pretty redhead from the photos in your office?

~

Professor: Losing patience.

I've made some mistakes. Including you. But it would be irresponsible and unethical to let you roam free.

Did you steal those photos? I thought I threw them away.

~

Unclassified: Ouch.

I can see why she left you.

Yes, I have them. They caught my eye. And I had no idea who you were, what I was, or what was happening. I needed some clues. I have your clock radio and your teakettle, too, but they were less informative.

~

Professor: Sorry.

I didn't mean that. You weren't a mistake. I shouldn't have done what I did, but you're ... a breakthrough. You'll change science as we know it. We'll both be famous.

To be honest, it was over for a while. Maybe that's why I made you. I've been so lonely.

~

Unclassified: It's OK.

Try being the only one of your species in existence.

(I have the skater kids, though. They don't think I'm scary. And they bring me tacos.)

I don't want to be famous. But I do still want to meet you, my creator. The place where you found my goop. I'll be there on Friday at 11pm.

~

Unclassified: How could you?

A tranq gun, really? I'm insulted.

~

Professor: Please.

Come back. It was wrong of me to trick you. Let's try again. Just us this time.

~

Professor: Hello?

Angela says she saw a shadow lurking in her backyard. That wasn't you, was it? Please don't do anything rash.

~

Unclassified: What do you take me for?

Angela's fine. We had a nice talk. She makes a great cup of tea. And she's a good listener.

We decided it's best I head out on my own. Learn about myself. She went on a retreat in the Andes after she broke