Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016

By DefCon One Publishing

Prophetic skulls, crocheting krakens, murderous plants. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: August 2016 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Judith Field, Dusty Wallace, and Richard Zwicker. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, horoscopes, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Ira Krik, Kathy Steinemann, Elizabeth Berger, Damien Krsteski, Leslie Anderson, Alanna McFall, Gary Cuba, Alexander Hollins, J. Herman, E. B. Fischadler, Scott Shanks, Jacob Lambert, Sean Stempler, Dan McQuain, Stephanie Rose, Steve Ruskin, Scott Chaddon, Adam Williams, Simon Kewin, Kate Elizabeth, and Torrey Podmajersky. Art provided by Shannon Legler, Katie Nyborg, Errow Collins, Amanda Jones, Justine McGreevy, Scarlett O'Hairdye, Luke Spooner, and Ariel Alian Wilson.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Apr 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311630575

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016

Edited by Dawn Vogel and Jeremy Zimmerman

Cover Art by Shannon Legler

Cover Layout by Katie Nyborg

Copyright 2016 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

A Study of the THING from Cobb's Barn is Copyright 2016 Ira Krik

Chlorophytum Comosum Vlog is Copyright 2016 Kathy Steinemann

The Infernal Bones of Canaan, Mississippi is Copyright 2016 Elizabeth Berger

Marasmus is Copyright 2016 Damien Krsteski

It Landed in the Woods, My Head is Copyright 2016 Leslie Anderson

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken is Copyright 2016 Alanna McFall

Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U is Copyright 2016 Gary Cuba

An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism is Copyright 2016 Alexander Hollins

My PC is Cheating on Me is Copyright 2016 J. Herman

Press Three for Unintended Consequences is Copyright 2016 E. B. Fischadler

The Heart's Engine is Copyright 2016 R. Scott Shanks, Jr.

The Confession of Lyle Timmons is Copyright 2016 Jacob M. Lambert

They Never Blink is Copyright 2016 Sean Stempler

The Great Martian Vegetable Crisis is Copyright 2016 Dusty Wallace

She Shall Have Music is Copyright 2013 Judith Field

The Wind Cries Larry is Copyright 2016 Richard Zwicker

Horrorscopes is Copyright 2016 Kate Elizabeth

Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2016 Torrey Podmajersky

For Sale: Time Machine and Personals: Irresistable Force are Copyright 2016 Dan McQuain

For sale (reanimation machine), For sale (time machine), Test subjects wanted!, Hiring (WeClone Laboratories), Personals (cosmologist), and Personals (parasitologist) are Copyright 2016 Stephanie Rose

For Sale: Thaddeus Oxford's Reanimating Oil and Lost: Three Lab Rats are Copyright 2016 Steve Ruskin

For Sale (antique building), Help Wanted (volunteers), Lost Puppy, and Personals W4M are Copyright 2016 Scott Chaddon

Hiring (cleaners) and Hiring (students) are

Copyright 2016 Adam J. Williams

Lost: One Tabby Cat is Copyright 2016 Simon Kewin

Art accompanying A Study of the THING from Cobb's Barn and Press Three for Unintended Consequences are Copyright 2016 Justine McGreevy

Art accompanying Chlorophytum Comosum Vlog is Copyright 2016 Ariel Alian Wilson

Art accompanying The Infernal Bones of Canaan, Mississippi and The Heart's Engine are Copyright 2016 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Marasmus and The Confession of Lyle Timmons are Copyright 2016 Errow Collins

Art accompanying It Landed in the Woods, My Head is Copyright 2016 Amanda Jones

Art accompanying To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken is Copyright 2016 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Art accompanying Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U and An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism are Copyright 2016 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying My PC is Cheating on Me and They Never Blink are Copyright 2016 Dawn Vogel

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to Patreon backers Simone Cooper, Wendy Wade, John Nienart, Army Vang, Andrew Cherry, Megan Vogel, Michele Ray, and Torrey Podmajersky!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letter from the Guest Editor

ESSAYS

A Study of the THING from Cobb's Barn provided by Ira Krik

Chlorophytum Comosum Vlog provided by Kathy Steinemann

The Infernal Bones of Canaan, Mississippi provided by Elizabeth Berger

Marasmus provided by Damien Krsteski

It Landed in the Woods, My Head provided by Leslie Anderson

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken provided by Alanna McFall

Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U provided by Gary Cuba

An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism provided by Alexander Hollins

My PC is Cheating on Me provided by J. Herman

Press Three for Unintended Consequences provided by E. B. Fischadler

The Heart's Engine provided by R. Scott Shanks, Jr.

The Confession of Lyle Timmons provided by Jacob M. Lambert

They Never Blink provided by Sean Stempler

FICTION

The Great Martian Vegetable Crisis by Dusty Wallace

She Shall Have Music by Judith Field

The Wind Cries Larry by Richard Zwicker

RESOURCES

Horrorscopes provided by Kate Elizabeth

Ask Dr. Synthia provided by Torrey Podmajersky

Classifieds

ABOUT

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

LETTER FROM THE GUEST EDITOR

by Dr. Charlotte S. Nguyen-Ng

Dear readers,

I have taken control of the Mad Scientist Journal offices in order to speak on the importance supporting female mad STEM students and researchers. For far too long, women have been underrepresented in the mad sciences. Starting tomorrow, my genetically engineered hedgerows will begin a war against the world's educational institutions until this imbalance is addressed.

The MSJ staff will return to normal functioning once my paralyzing toxin wears off.

Bye!

Dr. Charlotte S. Nguyen-Ng

Dr. Charlotte S. Nguyen-Ng operates out of her secret underwater base in the South Pacific. She loves show tunes, rugby, and murdering people who say that botany is a soft science.

ESSAYS

A STUDY OF THE THING FROM COBB'S BARN

An essay by Doctor Ludwig van Johannes, as provided by Ira Krik

Art by Justine McGreevy

Oh, thrill! Oh, exaltation! I have taken it upon myself to record my most recent scientific discovery, but I'm having trouble finding the words for it. I will preface this by warning you of the scope of my experiences within the past few weeks. I have already wasted too much time trying to convey my excitement and have become confident in the conclusion that it is simply impossible to project the emotional state I've found myself in in this or any other language. For that matter, I'm sure I'll find it difficult to even discuss the nature of my discovery. What is it? That is the question. Just what strange otherworldly affair had I fumbled into? What foreign phenomenon have I found, or rather, has found me?

Perhaps I would find it easier to discuss if I start at the beginning. The morning of farmer Cobb's phone call. It was only hours before sunrise when he woke me. The poor man was frantic. It took me quite a long time to calm him so that he could tell me his story coherently. He told of a flash of yellow-blue light and a loud crash that awoke him and his wife. Stumbling out of bed and to a window, he found that something had torn right through the roof of his barn, leaving a chimney where smoke funneled into the sky. Hurriedly, he ran out to investigate, taking with him his trusty dog and trustier shotgun.

He recalled to me with urgency the immense dread that filled him as he approached the barn, which had at that point been leaking yellow and green light. It seems his dog refused to enter, opting to keep its distance and bark instead. The farmer continued on without him and had found the source of his dread, perhaps the source of all dread, inside. Where once was a barn floor with hay scattered about and stables on each side, there was now a crater, and inside the crater, a thing. According to him, the thing had features unlike any other thing he had ever seen. It was about the size of a newborn calf. It didn't seem to carry any definitive shape, though it was certainly a solid. It buzzed and it hummed, and it hurt the farmer's head to look at. So he didn't look at it for long before walking back into his house and calling me.

Farmer Cobb's story had me ecstatic. I had to see it for myself. I beckoned one of my employees to bring the car around, to which it responded by moaning and shaking its fists in the air angrily. We arrived post haste and the farmer showed us into the barn. I saw it then for the first time. Oh, Eureka! Oh, stars! It was magnificent. Cobb's description over the telephone in no way did the spectacle justice. Looking at this thing, whatever it was, was like having a staring contest with the universe. I felt as though if I took my eye off of it, reality would cave in around us. It was imperative, absolutely crucial, that I unearth its secrets.

I paid the farmer a handsome finder's fee of five dollars and a DVD copy of the 1995 film Clueless starring Alicia Silverstone and commanded a horde of employees to dig out the object. It was a lengthy process as the thing insisted on melting off their arms, and so we had to keep stopping and waiting for them to grow back so that they might get the damnable thing in the car. We had to throw it in the trunk, as the back seat was full of severed limbs. The thing had nearly melted its way through the bottom of the car by the time we arrived back at my tower on the hill. It didn't take anywhere near as long to get the thing in a containment room in the basement, however, as there were many more employees contributing. It belonged in a containment room, as I believed it to be highly radioactive and dangerous to be near.

I studied the thing behind a thick sheet of glass. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was twitching. Inflating and deflating. As if it was breathing. Was it a living thing? I commanded the employees to poke and prod it with tools to warrant a response. It gave us none. We electrocuted it, shot it with fire, and put it under extreme conditions. It never responded.

Things continued this way for weeks. Eventually, the oddity had become more of a backburner side project than the object of scientific revolution I had originally imagined it to be. I'll be honest, there was a span of time where I forgot I had the thing. Don't judge me. I am a busy man, doing things for science as I do. There were other things to poke with sticks and bullets.

I fear I might've been misleading. I'll make myself clear, this thing wasn't the grand discovery in itself, it was only the start of one.

It had been several days since I had last paid it a visit when suddenly things began to be very strange within my abode. I had noticed after passing the containment chamber that the thing had changed color. Instead of the yellow-green that it usually emitted, it had cooled down to a blue-green shade. This was exciting, as it was the first development since its arrival. I hurriedly began to scrawl notes. I almost didn't notice that my pen, the same pen I had always used, was leaving a trail of graphite instead of ink. As if I was using a pencil. There were many odd little things like this in those nights. For example, one morning I attempted to make myself a cup of coffee, as I always have, but when I tried to fill my cup, it poured from the pitcher and straight through the bottom of the mug, searing my feet. Also, this may be unrelated, but whenever I would turn my television on, it would always be on a different channel than the one I left it on.

The occurrences progressed both in frequency and intensity. They ranged from interesting to annoying. I was intrigued when an unidentifiable green substance began to seep from my walls. I tried many times to acquire a sample of the material, but every time I tried, it would slide back up the wall and into whatever nothing-space it had come from. I had also found that every time I entered my living quarters, my furniture would be arranged in a new pattern. Very inconvenient.

The most infuriating example, however, was that every time I tried to fix myself a bowl of cereal, I would find my corn flakes in the milk jug and the milk in the cereal box. It seemed that the thing had come to Earth to make messes in my house.

I eventually found that I could no longer look at the thing for very long before I contracted a nose bleed. To avoid this situation, I mounted a surveillance camera in view of the containment room, though this had a different kind of uncomfortable consequence. I had hooked up a screen at my desk so that I could keep an eye on the thing in the middle of my work. For a few days, this had gone on without incident. It hadn't caused me any discomfort to look through a screen, but it still hadn't shown any signs of activity. This was to be expected. One night though, I dozed off at my desk and was awakened by the sound of a little boy's voice. I looked to the screen and was surprised to find something other than the sullen grey room where the thing was kept. Instead, it showed what looked to be a black and white video of a little boy playing in a sandbox. It all seemed eerily familiar and, upon closer inspection, I realized the little boy in the video was myself. That was, in fact, my childhood sandbox. Vivid memories streamed through my head like copper wire. I remembered that day. It was the day an apple fell from our tree and landed on my