Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014

By Jeremy Zimmerman and Dawn Vogel

Nonhuman religions, clones of classical composers, and the mating habits of socks. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collects three month's worth of essays from the fictional worlds of mad science. Included are four new pieces of fiction written for the discerning mad scientist reader by Rob Butler, Gary Cuba, Christopher DiCicco, and Sylvia Wrigley. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, horoscopes, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Michael Hudson, Nick Nafpliotis, George Nikolopoulos, Dennis Staples, Andrew May, Judith Field, Julie Bloss Kelsey, Robert Dawson, Christopher Holmes Nixon, Samantha Lienhard, Christopher Lynch, Rob Oxley, Diana Parparita, Kate Elizabeth, Torrey Podmajersky, Megan Vogel, Lorraine Schein, Eric Aren, Loria Chaddon, Steve Ruskin, Liz Hedgecock, Sylvia Heike, and Sam Slaughter. Illustrations are provided by Matt Youngmark, Dawn Vogel, Shannon Legler, Katie Nyborg, Luke Spooner, Scarlett O'Hairdye, and Justine McGreevy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DefCon One Publishing
• Release date: Dec 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310179211

Jeremy Zimmerman

Jeremy Zimmerman is a teller of tales who dislikes cute euphemisms for writing like “teller of tales.” His fiction has most recently appeared in 10Flash Quarterly, Arcane and anthologies from Timid Pirate Publishing. His young adult superhero book, Kensei, is now available. He is also the editor for Mad Scientist Journal. He lives in Seattle with five cats and his lovely wife (and fellow author) Dawn Vogel.

Book preview

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014

Edited by Jeremy Zimmerman and Dawn Vogel

Cover Illustration and Layout by Matt Youngmark

Copyright 2014 Jeremy Zimmerman, except where noted

Smashwords Edition

Philosophy of Mad Science is Copyright 2014 Michael Hudson

Inside Job is Copyright 2014 Nick Nafpliotis

Harnessing Hotters is Copyright 2014 George Nikolopoulos

Accelerating Universe is Copyright 2014 Dennis Staples

Science for Crackpots is Copyright 2014 Andrew May

The Long Toss is Copyright 2011 Gary Cuba

Weather is a Zero-Sum Game is Copyright 2014 Judith Field

Sworn Statement is Copyright 2014 Julie Bloss Kelsey

Please Wait is Copyright 2012 Robert Dawson

Self-Help for Super Villains is Copyright 2014 Christopher Holmes Nixon

Sand is Copyright 2014 Samantha Lienhard

The Nothing in the Wall is Copyright 2014 Christopher Lynch

The Problem with Protégés is Copyright 2014 Rob Oxley

Corpse Interred in Mozart's Tomb Might Not Be Mozart, Authorities Say is Copyright 2014 Diana Parparita

Pavlov's Final Research is Copyright 2013 Gary Cuba

Oceans is Copyright 2014 Christopher DiCicco

Vintage Millennial Cookery InfoManual by the Geusian Ladies Society is Copyright 2013 Sylvia Wrigley

Twelve Minutes is Copyright 2014 Rob Butler

Horrorscopes is Copyright 2014 Kate Elizabeth

Ask Dr. Synthia is Copyright 2014 Torrey Podmajersky

Annual Chem Lab Faculty Mixer, Missing Lab Experiment, and Dog Found are Copyright 2014 Julie Bloss Kelsey

Notice: Prior Meeting of the Society for the Chronologically Reversed is Copyright 2014 Steve Ruskin

Garage available to rent and Available: Time Machine are Copyright 2014 Liz Hedgecock

For Rent is Copyright 2014 Rob Brooks

For sale: Self-Cleaning Litter Box, Used and For adoption: Adorably newly-hatched Tyrannosaurus are Copyright 2014 Diana Parparita

For Sale: One-Way Time Machine is Copyright 2014 Sylvia Heike

For Sale: Farm Fresh Vegetables and Wanted to buy are Copyright 2014 Loria Chaddon

Lost and Looking to Trade are Copyright 2014 John McColley

Missing Matter is Copyright 2014 Lorraine Schein

Wanted: Hippos is Copyright 2014 Sam Slaughter

Art accompanying Inside Job, The Long Toss, and The Nothing in the Wall are Copyright 2014 Luke Spooner

Art accompanying Harnessing Hotters and Weather is a Zero-Sum Game are Copyright 2014 Shannon Legler

Art accompanying Accelerating Universe and Corpse Interred in Mozart's Tomb Might Not Be Mozart, Authorities Say are Copyright 2014 Justine McGreevy

Art accompanying Science for Crackpots, Please Wait, and Sand are Copyright 2014 Katie Nyborg

Art accompanying Sworn Statement and The Problem with Protégés are Copyright 2014 Dawn Vogel

Art accompanying Self-Help for Super Villains is Copyright 2014 Scarlett O'Hairdye

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Letter from the Editor

Essays

Inside Job provided by Nick Nafpliotis

Harnessing Hotters provided by George Nikolopoulos

Accelerating Universe provided by Dennis Staples

Science for Crackpots provided by Andrew May

The Long Toss provided by Gary Cuba

Weather is a Zero-Sum Game provided by Judith Field

Sworn Statement provided by Julie Bloss Kelsey

Please Wait provided by Robert Dawson

Self-Help for Super Villains provided by Christopher Holmes Nixon

Sand provided by Samantha Lienhard

The Nothing in the Wall provided by Christopher Lynch

The Problem with Protégés provided by Rob Oxley

Corpse Interred in Mozart's Tomb Might Not Be Mozart, Authorities Say provided by Diana Parparita

Fiction

Pavlov's Final Research by Gary Cuba

Oceans by Christopher DiCicco

Vintage Millennial Cookery InfoManual by the Geusian Ladies Society by Sylvia Wrigley

Twelve Minutes by Rob Butler

Resources

Horrorscopes provided by Kate Elizabeth

Ask Dr. Synthia provided by Torrey Podmajersky

Classifieds

About

Bios for Classifieds Authors

About the Editors

About the Artists

Letter from the Editor

Philosophy of Mad Science

By Guest Editor Dr. Phillip Pip Jaminson, as provided by Michael Hudson

For years, the scientific world has drawn the greatest minds in existence to achieve feats of wonder for the benefit of all humanity. Brilliant thinkers, astounding intellects, and a passionate drive for discovery have given the world a sense of collective accomplishment that will be shared for ages to come. Each breakthrough in the many respective fields of scientific study potentially brings us all closer to a future of shared wonder and peaceful coexistence. Such is the price of benign science. The so called mad sciences are cast aside and marginalized as resources are monopolized and utterly wasted on less adventurous fields of study. Why study weather and other natural disasters when I can create them with complex, volcano lair-based machinery? Why catalogue the natural lives of lions, tigers, and ho-hum bears when an army of mutant Tibeargon can be raised and set against the people of the world? Why cure diseases when so many have yet to be discovered and used as leverage for worldwide ransom demands? Why study stars and distant planets when I can blow them up on a whim? The benign sciences, though effective in their own unique ways, have ignored the countless possibilities mad science can provide to a sufficiently advanced and morally flexible intellect.

The question so often addressed to the aspiring mad scientist, usually from the academic naysayer or government sponsored secret agent is why? Why would you do something like that? The answer is simple: because I can. The world may not need renegade cyborg soldiers, apocalyptic super weapons, or sentient, murderous AI, but I, as a mad scientist, will be there to provide those things anyway. I vow to toil away, selflessly anticipating and creating the scientific advances that will forever be recorded in the annals of history, unless of course I anticipate and subsequently create a backward traveling time inversion anomaly, thereby uncausing all history before it occurs. The true mad scientist must always be aspiring toward what can be done rather than what should be done. This is the truest pursuit of knowledge that none of the benign sciences could ever hope to emulate. Mad scientists do not limit themselves by seeking the approval of their peers or law enforcement agencies. I will seek knowledge, both theoretical and practical, in all its forms and eventually fuse that knowledge with some sort of high powered laser. All this with minimal funding unknowingly donated from a terrified and awestruck populace.

A truly dedicated study of any one of the many subfields of mad science can ensure a lasting academic legacy for ages to come. Human-alien hybrids can live for generations, long enough to subjugate entire worlds. A brain successfully transplanted into a weapon-laden mechanical body could dominate the Earth for centuries. A mystical pact with the summoned avatar of Xz'argatuun, He Who Walks Beyond The Void, will grant immortality and power without limit at the trivial loss of both body and soul. This is why I, as a mad scientist, press on. Mad science is thankless, mad science is dangerous, mad science may get me devoured by one of my own rogue, bloodthirsty creations. So why do I choose to do what the sniveling, servile world calls mad science? Because I can.

Dr. Phillip Pip Jamison, The Shame of Glasgow, was born in the chilly northern city of Glasgow, Montana. He is a respected and feared pioneer in the emerging field of orbital disintegration technology. He is the recipient of two honorary degrees from the University of Texas, which the university claims were granted under duress. The doctor's whereabouts are currently unknown, which is exactly the way he wants it.

Michael Hudson is originally from Springfield, Missouri, and moved to San Antonio, Texas, while in the Army. He lives there with his girlfriend and their lazy poop-machine of a cat, Prince.

Essays

Inside Job

An essay by Azazel, as provided by Nick Nafpliotis

Art by Luke Spooner

Shhhh ...

If you're going to sit here, then you'll have to be quieter than that. We are in a church, after all.

Oh sure, I know it seems more than a little strange for me to be in a place designed for worshipping The Oppressor. I am an agent of Lucifer, after all. But what most folks don't realize is that this is where some of the best stuff happens.

Yes, the hymns and praise band music proclaiming the greatness of The Oppressor and his son make my skin crawl. And yes, the parts where they quote out of that ridiculous book make me want to scream. But ignore all of that for a minute and look around you. Check out all that rock n' roll stage lighting, the elaborate lobbies ... I mean seriously, there's even a freaking coffee shop! Do you know how much of the money they poured into all could have been used to help the poor and the sick?

But Azazel, you'll say, by growing their church, they can reach more of those people.

It's a nice thought, but it's also a complete load of shit. This church didn't build those things to reach out to the poor, the tired, and the hungry. They wanted to seem cool or important just so they could feel better about not being those things.

One thing I actually give The Oppressor's son credit for during his time on this place was that he never cared about seeming cool. He just had that relentless, insipid desire to reach out to those whose hearts and souls we'd worked so hard to break. Luckily, not many of these folks seem to be too concerned with that.

The one time I saw this place really band together for something was when they all piled into Chick-fil-A, stuffing their self-righteous faces and pretending to care about free speech. The Boss knew what it really was: pure, uncut disdain for the gays ... and it was freaking great. The church has to practically beg people to go on mission trips or volunteer in soup kitchens, but offer up some bigotry with a side of fried chicken, and they all come running. If that isn't a sign that we're winning (no matter what that sham of a book says), then I don't know what is.

That's why this place is so wonderful, by the way. It's practically doing all of the work for us, especially with regards to the younger generations. The youth groups are ruled by cliques even more brutal and heartless than the ones we've worked so hard to build in the secular schools. Unless you're a hot ass chick, a really douchey looking jock, or a quadriplegic burn victim, no one honestly gives two shits about you.

This one time, I disguised myself in the most average looking human form imaginable and sat through three services. You know what happened? None of these idiots even tried to come up and say anything to me. They were all too wrapped up in themselves (or covertly trying to get in each other's pants while still appearing outwardly pious) to even walk over and ask my name. Do you realize what type of awesome impact that has?

The middle ground people, the ones who make up the majority of this wretched world, can come here and get completely turned off to The Oppressor's message just by sitting inside of this building. It makes our job so easy that it feels like a sin ... which I'm obviously quite okay with.

But you know what really scares the piss out of me? That little church a few miles down the road.

Oh sure, they still try to be cool. There's a praise band that plays really crappy versions of already crappy songs. The youth pastor also dresses like a blind hipster in a laughably pathetic attempt to seem hip. But damn if they don't also try to do all that crap that The Oppressor's son did back in the day that was so hard for us to beat.

This one time, a gay dude whose family had disowned him came to them. The only reason he even considered going to a church was because a friend of his went there and he had nowhere else to go. Forneus and I had worked our asses off tearing that guy apart. I figured that when he showed up at the church's door step, they'd help speed up the process by casting him out while treating him like complete dog shit. Instead, some bitch and her family actually took him into their home ... AND they're helping him get through all the obstacles we threw at him. The jury is still out on if he'll ever join The Oppressor, but he's a lot closer now than he was a couple years ago.

Fortunately, that's just one little pocket of resistance. We've got the TV and political guys working overtime, preaching hate, fear, and disregard for those in need. There might be a battle or two lost along the way, but the mega churches are going to help ensure that we win the war.

Azazel has been a demon in service of the Dark Lord for many thousands of years. His favorite show is Entourage and his favorite band is Nickelback. He proudly claims partial and sometimes full responsibility for the suffering of countless beings through strife, bigotry, and callousness. When morphed into his human form, he can often be found exclusively wearing clothing by Ed Hardy.

Nick Nafpliotis is a music teacher and writer from Charleston, South Carolina. During the day, he instructs students from the ages of 11-14 on how to play band instruments. At night, he writes about weird crime, bizarre history, pop culture, and humorous classroom experiences on his blog, RamblingBeachCat.com. He is also a television, novel, and comic book reviewer for AdventuresinPoorTaste.com.

Harnessing Hotters

A speech by Professor Wilbur Wilkinson-Grauss, as provided by George Nikolopoulos

Art by Shannon Legler

Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely wish to thank you for inviting me to speak here at the Royal Geographical Society.

I am going to speak to you about Hotters, the astounding minuscule creatures that provide us with heat. As you are undoubtedly aware of, Professor Eric Higgsbaum-Straddle and my humble self first predicted the existence of these elusive entities eight years ago, and we have since been trying to discover conclusive evidence of their existence. A few months ago, with the invaluable help of Dr. Richard Bottom-Wiggins' remarkable new invention, the minutoscope, which, as you probably know, is a device that enables the human eye to observe minute creatures, we were able, for the first time in the history of humanity, to see the Hotters.

To be precise,