The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing.A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean.For example - when you have one of your kids pulling your other kid’s hair, it’s not mean to say “Stop that. Or Don’t do that. That’s not safe. ” with a firm voice. Or when your child is hitting you or spitting on you. It’s not mean to say “No. Don’t hit me. My body stays safe.” Moms will say to me “i was so mean. I’m such a terrible mom.”And I’ll say “tell me what happened” and often as they share the story, they tell me things like i’ve just described. They’ve used a firm voice when their kid was doing something unsafe. Or they set a boundary with their body. Or when they’ve clearly communicated to their child that their behavior doesn’t work.When your 3 year old is screaming in a restaurant, It’s not mean to take them outside and with a very clear voice say “Screaming in a restaurant isn’t ok. We will go back inside when your body is calm. Let me help you by jumping up and down together.”When your 8 year old is using swear words, it’s not mean to say “Those words are not ok. You can stay here with us as long as you use kind words”. It’s also not mean to say “Looks like you are using potty words, you can go into the bathroom and say those and come out when you’re ready.”It’s not mean to let your child know that because they made you late for work 4 times this week you aren’t willing to drive them to the mall on Saturday. It’s not mean to leave your 7 year old at home with mom or day when you go to target (even if you promised) if they called you a stupid wicked woman earlier that day.  It’s not mean to hold a 4 year olds hands when they are hitting you or their sibling. It’s not mean to not give your teen their allowance or let them drive the car or buy them a new dress  or tie  for homecoming  if their room is a mess.Using a firm voice isn’t mean.Keeping people safe isn’t mean.Having limits isn’t mean.Enforcing your boundaries isn’t mean.Following through on consequences isn’t mean.Don’t confuse being firm with being mean. Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away. There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage. And right now, if you are hearing me say these examples, you might be flooded with shame and guilt. The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it. I want to model this for you. I’m going to share with you - right now- a moment when I was too physical with my child. A moments when instead of being firm, I was mean. And this is are hard to admit. But I also know that when we keep moments like this in the dark, we are strangled by the shame of those moments. We get stuck in that shame of feeling like we are bad and wrong. And being stuck in shame is the opposite of becoming calm. Ok, so there was this moment when Lincoln was around 18 months. We were on a camping trip and it was hot and dusty and I was pretty overwhelmed by it. Keeping a baby safe around a fire and with dirt and all of that was hard for me. We hadn’t slept much. It was the morning, and it was just lincoln and I in the tent and he needed a diaper change. While I was changing his diaper, he...