As we kick off 2024, it seemed like a good time to return to the basics of compassionate parenting. Plus, “Parenting 101” is a really fun title for our 101st episode! Today, I’ll walk you through some foundational principles and invite you to think about what you want to focus on as a parent this year. The Basics of Human NeedsIn his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté talks about the two essential needs of humans - attachment and authenticity. Attachment is what drives human behavior. It’s primal. Our nervous system is wired to seek physical and emotional closeness with other humans because we are safer when we are in a community. This need is even stronger in children, because they are completely dependent on their caregivers for a pretty long period of time. The attachment between child and caregiver is vital to their survival. This attachment looks like physical safety, biological needs being met and emotional safety. Ultimately, if I feel attached, I feel safe. The second primal need is authenticity. This means being able to know yourself and express who you are inside. This is a more individualized drive to understand ourselves, and includes building our intuition, trusting our gut and knowing what we’re capable of. It is at the root of self-esteem and self-concept.Ideally, we want to feel unconditional attachment with the freedom to express our true selves.  The Struggle Between Authenticity and AttachmentTension arises when being our authentic self threatens our attachments. This can happen a lot during childhood.  Kids (and all humans) express their thoughts and feelings through behavior. What often happens is if the caregiver finds the behavior unacceptable, they detach from the child or do other things that threaten their sense of attachment and safety. In parenting, this might look like:Time outsSpankingIgnoring our kidsOnly giving them our attention when they’re behaving the way we wantTime outs are often used as a punishment, rather than the original intent of providing a break for the child to calm themselves. The message is that your behavior (and therefore you) is not acceptable, and you cannot be here with us until you can act right. It tells them that your attachment is conditional on behavior. Spanking is another example where attachment is broken. The message is that you are going to hurt their body in order to teach them how to behave. Ultimately, they learn that they are not safe when they misbehave.You can threaten attachment to get control over your kids and manipulate them into behaving a certain way, but they’ll likely develop a low self-concept in the process. The child only learns to be performative. They try to figure out how to get their needs met through behaving a certain way, which leads to suppressing emotion, people pleasing and insecurity. It turns into a feeling that, at their core, they are not okay. Kids are constantly looking for reassurance that they are safe in the relationship and that they can rely on the adults around them. Attachment should never be conditional. The process I teach allows you to acknowledge that your child is struggling, set limits around the behavior and help them handle their feelings in a way that works for everyone. You can think of this more as a “time in”. On the flip side, when we reassure our kids of our unconditional love, they grow into adults who are secure and feel safe and worthy. They’ll...