TRANSPARENT - TRANSPARENTE: Chronicles and Reflections as I Learn to Live

By Jocabed Gurrola

ENGLISH:

You! Yes, you! Get ready to gain insight into your life and take action towards personal growth. Transparent: Chronicles and Reflections as I learn to Live, is not an ordinary self-help book. This book will engage you with relatable stories in a variety of topics. Each story contains reflections and lessons learned. The author has highlighted key points and questions that are thoughtworthy. The most important aspect of this book, however, is what you will contribute to your life after coming to your own conclusions about what will help you get to where you want to be. This book offers practical steps for those who seek to improve their quality of life in several areas--emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially. You can read the chapters in any order. Most chapters are followed by simple exercises to help guide you to action. It is the author's hope that just as she is being transparent with you by sharing some of her personal

experiences, that you, too, will be honest with yourself as you embark on this journey to enrich your life as an act of self-love. After all, the best investment you can make is in yourself. TRANSPARENT.

SPANISH:

!Tu! !Si, tu! Preparate para obtener informacion sobre tu vida y tomar accion hacia tu crecimiento personal. Transparente: Cronicas y Reflexiones Mientras Aprendo a Vivir, no es un libro ordinario de autoayuda. Este libro te enganchara con relatos. Te identificaras con ellos. Cada historia contiene reflexiones y lecciones aprendidas. La autora ha resaltado puntos claves y preguntas para meditar; sin embargo, el aspecto mas importante de este libro, es lo que tu aportaras a tu vida despues de leerlo. Llegaras a tus propias conclusiones sobre lo que necesitas para llegar a donde quieres estar. Este libro ofrece pasos practicos para quienes buscan mejorar su calidad de vida en diversas areas--emocionalmente, espiritualmente, mentalmente, fisicamente, y socialmente. Puedes leer los capitulos en el orden que desees. Al final de la mayoria de capitulos, encontraras ejercicios sencillos para ayudar a guiarte a la accion. La autora espera que, asi como ella es transparente contigo al compartir algunas de sus experiencias personales, que tu tambien seas honesto contigo mismo mientras abordas este viaje para enriquecer tu vida como un acto de amor propio. Despues de todo, la mejor inversion que puedes hacer es en ti mismo. TRANSPARENTE.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 2, 2024
• ISBN: 9798887519746

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TRANSPARENT - TRANSPARENTE

Chronicles and Reflections as I Learn to Live

Jocabed Gurrola

ISBN 979-8-88751-973-9 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88751-974-6 (digital)

Copyright © 2024 by Jocabed Gurrola

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Between the Mirror and the Scale

Chapter 2

Why Me?

Chapter 3

Surgery

Chapter 4

Helping Others

Chapter 5

Things That Are Worth Having

Chapter 6

Things Saved for a Special Occasion

Chapter 7

All Questions, Your Answers

Chapter 8

Messengers of Love

Chapter 9

Trying to Fit In

Chapter 10

Emotions Come, Emotions Go

Chapter 11

Gratitude

Chapter 12

Seasons

Chapter 13

Previous Generations…and Me

Chapter 14

Questions People Ask

Chapter 15

The System

About the Author

Introducción

Capítulo 1

Entre el espejo y la báscula

Capítulo 2

¿Por qué yo?

Capítulo 3

La cirugía

Capítulo 4

Ayudar a los demás

Capítulo 5

Las cosas que vale la pena tener

Capítulo 6

Las cosas guardadas para una ocasión especial

Capítulo 7

Todas las preguntas, tus respuestas

Capítulo 8

Los mensajeros del amor

Capítulo 9

Tratando de encajar

Capítulo 10

Las emociones vienen, las emociones se van

Capítulo 11

Gratitud

Capítulo 12

Las estaciones

Capítulo 13

Las generaciones anteriores... y yo

Capítulo 14

Las preguntas de la gente

Capítulo 15

El sistema

Sobre el Autor

In memory of my mother, Lidia Gurrola (Fragoso).

You taught me the most important things about life. The memories of our time together are my treasure. I miss you every day and look forward to seeing you where space and time will not limit us. I love you.

Introduction

What is love? If I ask ten people the same question, I may get ten different answers. I suppose all answers will be correct. They will have a portion of truth tinted with the color of the lens through which the person sees. A girl who perceives she is being approached by her prince charming may describe love as feeling butterflies in her stomach. A single mother may describe love as the force that motivates her to work long hours every day to provide for her children. An older daughter may say that love is taking care of her elderly parents. Love may be explained as a feeling, a desire, or an action. I, personally, enjoy reading about it in the first book of Corinthians, chapter 13, in the Bible. I could ask people about love and read about love, but I would be better at sharing about it if I experienced it myself. Of course, my experience of love would also be a portion of truth tinted with the color of the lens through which I see life. But that portion of truth may help expand someone else's portion of truth, until we all conclude that love is greater than we can imagine. Love is connection. Love is the source of all living things.

I am not trying to sound poetic. Neither is it my intention to bore you with clichés. I am being as transparent as I can be. It is my intent that you experience the Creator's love as you read the stories I wrote and reflect on areas for growth in your life. I wrote this book because I am convinced that it will make its way to the people who need it at the exact moment in their lives. I am not an expert in many topics, but my heart has always loved helping others. I hope that just as I am able to see the Creator's love for me through other people, resources, and situations that have helped me in challenging times, you too can experience this profound love in your life. I don't have answers to many of the questions you may have as you read this book. It is my hope that you gain insight into your own life and come to your own conclusions about what actions will help you get to where you want to be. This book does not have to be read in any particular order. It is up to you to decide what to read and when to read it. I have included exercises or steps at the end of each chapter. These are merely recommendations. Once again, they are a portion of my truth, but the truth is greater than what I alone perceive. You, the reader, are what will give my stories meaning. May His love connect us always.

Chapter 1

Between the Mirror and the Scale

I don't remember the exact moment when it started, but I was in middle school. In sixth grade, I felt as if my clothes started to shrink. I gained some weight. Looking back at it now, I realize it was nothing out of the ordinary. At the time, though, I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. The summer before eighth grade, I decided I would start the school year differently. My intentions were good. My plan was to exercise and lose weight until I felt better in my clothes. The stationary bike in my room finally served a purpose, and the colorful mats that my mother kept in the closet became part of my daily workout routine. I worked out during the summer and began the school year with excitement. I lost a few pounds, and I felt great! My clothes didn't feel tight anymore, and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was in control of at least one thing. I had longed for that feeling for years!

The more progress I made with weight loss, the more I wanted to lose weight. I began reading nutritional labels and memorizing calories for more foods than I ever knew I could remember. I began to see certain foods as my enemies. One day, as I sat in AP European History class waiting for the lecture to begin, I saw the teacher eating a banana. I remember thinking, How can he eat a banana so calmly? Does he even know how many calories it has? Yes, that thought seems ridiculous now, but at some point, it was just another food-related thought that crossed my mind. It was one of the hundreds of thoughts that I had on any given day as if to make sure I didn't cross a line I would regret. I came to my own conclusions about what should enter my body. I decided that fat was the worst thing that I could eat and that I would avoid it at all costs. I lived with this mindset for years. As a teenager at home with my parents, you can imagine the chaos this caused. My mom always cooked delicious Mexican food, but I often skipped meals. (Oh, how do I regret certain things!)

By the time I was fifteen, I demonstrated a few symptoms of anorexia. I'm sure my best friend at the time suspected something was wrong with me, but she wasn't aware of everything I felt and did, and if there was one thing I had gotten good at, it was hiding behavior that I might get questioned about. My daily goal was to eat a small lunch and skip dinner. If my stomach ached at night from hunger, I interpreted it as good pain. That meant I was a step closer to being at what I considered my ideal weight (which, by the way, would always change to a number less than whatever I weighed when I stepped on the scale). I was convinced that being skinny was directly linked to happiness. No one could convince me otherwise.

People's comments about my weight and how delgadita I was only reinforced my behavior of skipping meals and avoiding as much fat as I could. As hunger pain became stronger, I contemplated a new option to keep the weight off. By the time I was eighteen, I had symptoms of bulimia. Vomiting and laxative pills were quite convenient. I didn't have to hear any comments from others encouraging me to eat or respond to any questions. (That is, before my parents found out about bulimia as an actual eating disorder).

Most of my daily thoughts revolved around food and weight. I became obsessed with losing or, at the least, not gaining pounds. Things that had given me pleasure before—going to a restaurant, shopping for clothes, visiting an ice cream shop—all acquired a different meaning. I couldn't engage in these activities without feeling guilty. I could sit in front of a plate of fries and not touch a single one. I didn't want to lose the feeling of control that I had originally experienced but, to be honest, I was being controlled by fear. I wasn't skinny to the point where it was dangerous, but looking back at pictures now, I see that I looked like a person weakened by an illness. Had I continued on that path, I don't know where I would be today.

When I was nineteen, I went to a retreat with part of my family in Mexico. I hadn't shared about my experiences with food and weight with anyone, but my family suspected something was wrong with me. At the retreat, the speaker began talking about issues that young people face. He talked about anorexia and bulimia, and I felt the message was for me. He preached about God's unconditional love for us and the feeling of freedom that comes from experiencing it. I wanted nothing more than to feel free and to accept myself entirely as I was, including what I perceived as bodily imperfections. You see, these issues were deeper than I can explain.

Growing up Christian, I had heard a lot about God's love. As an adolescent, I was very active in church. I was a youth leader. At some point, I fulfilled several roles—teacher, singer, musician, president of the youth group, treasurer, and secretary. I assumed the responsibility that came along with these roles while simultaneously struggling in silence with loving and accepting myself. There was a disconnect between the messages of love I had heard and repeated and the messages of love I had allowed myself to experience. It became clear that I should never assume that someone is well because of a position they're in or a role they fulfill. Everybody has battles that others know nothing about—those fought in the mind.

As a teenager, I felt I did not have much of a say in my life. This is not to blame anyone. It was simply my perspective of things at the time. As a child, I maintained good grades; in fact, I was in the honors program and took advanced placement (AP) courses throughout high school. My class schedule was determined by my counselor, my dress code was based on what was accepted in my community, and my time for socializing was limited. I always had a busy agenda. Between AP homework, the leadership position I held at school, and church, I barely slept. I was always tired. The structure kept me safe in a vulnerable time, and I am thankful for that. But if I could go back in time, I would incorporate more time to just relax and have fun. I would cut back on some of the responsibilities I took on.

I don't know with certainty what led me down the slippery slope of eating disorders, but I do know that I lacked balance in my life at the time. I wanted to feel in control of my life. I wanted to feel happier and less stressed. I was tired of trying to get everything on my agenda done and at the same time trying to be the perfect role model whom everyone expected me to be (or at least, that's what I thought). Why wouldn't I believe that being skinny is linked to being happy when all the media and advertisements I watched portrayed happy, skinny people?

As far as I'm aware, there wasn't one single thing that helped me overcome eating disorders. It was more of a mental, spiritual, and physical process that took a few years. It involved bringing balance into my life. I read, prayed, and exercised, among other things. Reading allowed me to become aware of the kind of thoughts I was having and how they were leading to self-destruction. It also informed me how to eat to nourish my body.

I also changed the way I prayed. There are different kinds of prayers. There is a prayer that follows a basic structure, one that many people learn as children. And there is a prayer that comes from the heart. One that is unrehearsed. One that makes you feel both vulnerable and unburdened. The latter is the kind of prayer I began to practice. I asked for strength to do that, which at some point felt impossible. Simultaneously, I began to work out, choosing activities that I enjoyed and knew I could continue to do. I had to learn many things, including appreciation for the body that I was given and gratitude for having body parts that serve their function. I had to realize that my thinking about certain foods being strictly good or bad based on their fat content solely was erroneous. There was so much information I was missing as a teen!

Looking back, I realize that oftentimes, what is seen as the main issue is not really the main issue. Whereas someone might think that the problem that people with eating disorders have is strictly related to food, in my case, it had to do with a need for balance in my life, a need for self-love, and a need for appreciation. I also needed to face my fears, which included things as simple as eating a single fry! The fear that I had was based on information that was mostly inaccurate. Thus, my entire situation had to do with a need for a change in perspective. I needed to have a more realistic perspective. My belief system was flawed; I needed to confront it with facts. I needed to confront not just the thoughts I had, but the feelings that came along with those thoughts. I needed my life to be made up of more than just an agenda filled with things to do. I didn't realize at the time that having things to do does not necessarily mean moving in the right direction. Being busy doesn't always equal being productive. I had my time filled with activities to complete, but I wasn't enjoying my life as I could have, and I surely wasn't making progress in my mental, emotional, nor physical health.

As a teen, I said yes to almost everything I was asked to do. I don't remember making many choices. In my twenties, following a doctor's visit for allergies, I was referred to a psychologist for the treatment of anxiety. I remember sharing with the psychologist how upset I was to hear when one of my aunts made comments about what a happy life I lived, saying I was privileged being raised in this country. I remember thinking, How dare she say that! She has no idea what I struggle with. No idea of my inner battles. When I shared this with the psychologist, she indicated that my aunt was saying things about me that were also accurate. I did have opportunities that my aunt and other people did not have. Hearing the psychologist speak this way made me even more upset. How could the psychologist not take my side? I thought. It took time for me to realize that she had made a good point. There was more to my life than what I was focusing on. I did have opportunities other people did not have, and if I had changed the outlook of my life earlier on, I would have been grateful for what I had (and gratitude goes hand in hand with happiness).

No matter what you have gone through in life, don't underestimate the power of a change in perspective. Sometimes life gives us the viewpoint of others for free; other times, we have to search for someone to help us broaden our outlook. Regardless, if we look at what we've gone through from the perspective of victims, we will never move past our situation. But if we look for the lessons embedded in what we have lived, we will not only bring light into our lives, but we will be able to share that light with others. Having battled eating disorders allowed me to learn the importance of looking not just at the symptoms of a disorder that someone has but rather considering the following:

What leads the person to it? What need does this person have?

What can the person do differently in his or her life to not feel the need to dox,y, orz?

Having struggles of my own has contributed to greater feelings of empathy toward others and the desire to help people obtain the resources they need to overcome their own obstacles and bring healing into their lives. I understand that nothing is a coincidence. If you are reading this book, you are in the process of bringing healing into your life. I don't wish you hardships, but I do wish for two things: (1) that you