By My Side: Kidnapped by Darkness, Rescued by Light

By Cassie Holley

By My Side is my personal journey through the trials Ive faced with the Almighty God by my side the whole time. Even the darkest times in my life had a lighthouse. It took a lot of strength and courage to finally swim to safety. I had to give up my own control so God could take the pain away. When I finally hit bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. As I was searching for something to help me attempt to start my journey to recovery, I noticed his hand reaching out. He was always there, but unfortunately it took me reaching the bottom to finally reach the lighthouse. I hope this book helps others know that God is always there, whether we acknowledge him or not. He is just waiting for us to rely on him to take the weight of this world off of our shoulders. Gods love is indescribable. It is unconditional. It is safe. It is eternal. When I let God into my heart, I was finally able to start healing the wounds this world threw at me. By my side is the hope, strength, and love God provides during the earthy struggles we all face.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490838670

Cassie Holley

I’m overjoyed when I write. When I wrote my first book, my personal testimony, it was amazing to see God work in my life and other lives. I decided to publish my testimony first so that when God called me to write other things, readers could know my background before picking up one of my bible studies—which leads me to this book! God put this piece of writing, my very first Bible study, on my heart. God is so good, and he is changing my life through writing; I pray that my writing is changing others lives as well. I live in Kingwood, Texas, and I attend Liberty University as a psychology major. I want to become a Christian counselor and help people through addictions and the recovery process. God is first in my life, and I praise him and give him glory for all the wonderful blessings in my life. Second in my life are my parents and Thomas Laird; without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. And thank you to everybody for all your love and support!

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Copyright © 2014 Cassie Holley.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-3868-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-3869-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-3867-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014909591

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/21/2014

Credit to Scott Tate Photography for the graduation image

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Hit Hard

Chapter 2: The Adventure

Chapter 3: Home, Unsweet Home

Chapter 4: The Return

Chapter 5: Distance

Chapter 6: Blessings and Nightmares

Chapter 7: Fast

Chapter 8: Finding Peace

Introduction

God has me in awe. When God first placed in my heart the idea to write a book, I had no idea if I would be capable or strong enough. I thought to myself, There is no possible way I can relive these experiences all over again and put them into words on a page. He led me through it, and now I get to share my personal testimony and watch God take over the outcome. More than half of this novel comes from my own personal journals, which I wrote while actually in these traumatic times in my life. I never thought I would be able to be so vulnerable as to put these experiences out into the world for all to read. God gave me peace and strength throughout this whole process. I continue my life with him walking right beside me.

My entire goal for this book is to save a life. My ultimate goal in life is to make an impact here on earth! I hope this book may help you, who maybe are going through a similar situation; or if not, then you at least can see the strength and power of God and how he lifted me as I was falling in defeat. Without God, this book wouldn’t even exist. I want to dedicate this book to my Father in heaven first, and then to my family, who experienced this journey with me as well. God blessed me with all the people in my life, and I am forever grateful to have them walk beside me through life as well. I also want to dedicate this book to my guardian angel, my hero and my brother, Christian Holley. He has taught me the importance of life and to make it count. He showed me the importance of a smile and the difference it can make in others’ lives.

I pray that each reader gets something out of By My Side and takes something from it, whatever it may be. I was fearful to publish this book considering the fact that I am only nineteen years old. I began writing this book at the age of seventeen and finished when I was eighteen. I tried to tell God that I was incapable of such a thing. Then the light switch came on. I believe everyone has a God-given talent that God uses for his purposes and plans for your life. I have a passion and love for writing. When I am writing, whether it is poems, songs, or this book, I feel the most spiritually connected to God. That’s when I knew God gave me this passion for a reason. Writing is how I was going to fulfill what God had planned for my life and how he was going to shine through me. My testimony is this book. This book is my life and how God was there during hardships and how he continues to walk by my side daily. I am so happy that I get to share this with you, and I am looking forward to seeing God’s plans be revealed!

1

Hit Hard

They all lose heart; they come trembling from their strongholds (Ps. 18:45).

Eighth grade is when a long journey, which never ends, began for me. This journey consists of depression, sad times, and a feeling of being completely overwhelmed in my life. I became a deer in headlights blinded to a disorder I knew absolutely nothing about. So many people continue to ask me what triggered my eating disorder, but I have yet to give them one specific answer. I was an athlete in middle school, including on the volleyball, basketball, and track teams. Whether I was a pro or an amazing player is another question. I was also a cheerleader, which was one of the main things that hit my body-image issues. The short skirts, the tiny figures, boys who watched us cheer, and cheer camp—there were so many opportunities to compare and analyze my not-so-thin body to all the other girls I was surrounded by. I wanted the boys to talk about me when I was walking away, in class when rating hot girls, or staring at girls on the sidelines at the football games.

Summer before my eighth-grade year was when I was determined to look amazing in my cheer uniform for the next year. I went on a diet and tried to work out every chance I got. The feeling I got when I lost weight was indescribable. My tummy was getting thinner, and I never wanted the happiness that came with that to go away. I was blind to what was happening and exactly what I was doing to myself. Slowly my diet turned into a very limited amount of food over the summer, and by the time school started, without even a second thought, I was starving myself.

The weight loss became the joy in my life, and I felt like guys finally began to notice me. If only I had realized that they noticed me before I lost weight too. I didn’t even realize the fact that I was seeking recognition from people I didn’t know and probably wouldn’t be friends with. By that point it was too late, and the eating disorder was taking control of my mind, body, and actions. A lot of people say that eating disorders are so stupid and that it’s stupid to starve yourself, or they ask why you don’t just eat! Body issues, self-image, self-esteem, low confidence, and so many aspects are part of an eating disorder; there is no quick fix and nothing that can be solved by simply eating. Once you are a victim of an eating disorder—once its claws are in so deep—it’s very hard to get out without help. As my last year in middle school began, I was already experiencing effects from my disease. I couldn’t stand up too fast, or else I would black out; I almost always got dizzy walking around; and I had no energy left in myself to do almost any of my normal daily activities. I was deteriorating, but too happy to worry about the consequences.

While in my parent’s room one night, I jokingly gave away my secret happiness. I made a joke before I went to bed to my dad saying, If I get dizzy and collapse, expect a call from the nurse, followed by a laugh. My parents saw the obvious weight loss, but never thought I would ever have a disease that they too weren’t educated about. My dad then asked why I was dizzy and a lot of other questions, all of which led me into a doctor’s appointment soon after. I fell asleep that night worried that they would make me eat. At this point, the thought of gaining weight terrified me and would actually make me cry. The mirror became my worst enemy in my eating disorder, but my best friend at the same time. I spent many hours of my day in front of the mirror exposing my belly so I could make sure it was as thin as an hour earlier. The distorted images became real to me, and even though there was nothing left of me, I managed to see fat in the mirror. I was never satisfied, and each pound I lost gave me a pound of pride in my image.

I was in the doctor’s office so we could find out why I was blacking out, although I was pretty sure I knew why. They weighed me, and my dad had no idea how much weight I had lost, but I was smiling wide on the inside so proud of that number. The nurse wasn’t fooled and suspected what and why all these effects were happening. That’s when I found out from the nurse other warning signs of an eating disorder—ice-cold skin, blue fingers and toes, a low heart rate, dangerously low electrolytes, and low blood pressure. The nurse asked a lot of questions regarding how much I ate, what I ate, and how often I ate. She never directly told my dad what she obviously suspected, but I knew she wasn’t fooled. We left, and my parents just took it as I’d have to be careful and if it continued, we would go back so they could check me again. My parents were as clueless as I was to the deep underlying disease that we all were unfamiliar with.

There was another football game that week, and even though I had no energy, I forced my weak body to cheer. I overheard a parent making a comment to my mom on the side about how thin I looked, and that was when my mom began to see. She saw what was happening, what I had been hiding, what I was scared she would find out. She didn’t say anything to me that night, but I could feel her stares on my back all the way home. I was so deep in the eating disorder I actually didn’t realize that everything I thought about was suddenly consumed with food, calories, weight, and being skinny.

My parents decided to go out to eat that night; I was stressed because at that point, I had not eaten anything for about four days. Going out to eat was my worst nightmare. I don’t really like to say mine, but instead, the eating disorder’s nightmare. I was thinking one hundred different things, and all these thoughts hit me at once. Unaware of what to do in this situation, I played it off with my parents like I was perfectly calm. Getting into my dad’s truck was a struggle in itself. I had to close my eyes and stop for five seconds just so I could see again due to blacking out often. Still, I didn’t care at all about anything that I was experiencing.

All that mattered to me was that I was skinny and I loved my body finally. I can’t say I loved my body 100 percent, though, because no matter how thin I got or how much weight I lost, it was never enough. I believe that eating disorders literally talk to you. There’s a voice inside your head, and sometimes it’s too hard to ignore it. He says things such as, Boys like this, you look amazing, another pound lost and you will stop, don’t eat or you will be mad at yourself; the list goes on and on. When you are under his spell, it’s hard to realize the difference between who you are and the eating disorder that has taken control. I refer to the eating disorder as he because I believe that it’s the Devil trying to claim you over God. The Devil creates things in this world to draw us away from God. Many of the Devil’s traps are easy to fall into. He uses temptation and flattery, and lures us into a trap so that later we have to ask for forgiveness. God promised in the Bible that he would never tempt us. God is our choice and free will. We decide to have him in our life, but whether we choose him or not, he loves us all unconditionally. Sex before marriage, drugs, and alcohol are all ways the Devil uses us for his own good, and most of us fall into these traps. Instead of saying the eating disorder is talking to me, sometimes I say the Devil is trying to kidnap me from God. The eating disorder had me on strings like a puppet, controlling my every move. You can’t fight the puppeteer unless you know you’re on strings or aware of who is playing with you. I had fallen down, and I was too weak to stand back up to fight. I seemed hopeless; I was completely and sincerely clueless.

The car ride to the restaurant made my stomach uneasy, not only because I was starving myself but also because I was in a state of panic. I started analyzing what would be the lowest-calorie option on the restaurant menu. I came to the conclusion that I would eat a couple bites of soup and simply say I was full. I was sure this was an amazing plan, and I slowly began to calm my thoughts. My dad parked the car, and I unbuckled my seat belt. By the time I got out of the car, my parents were already making their way across the parking lot. I tripped over the curb. My