Letting It Be: Mindful Lessons Toward Acceptance

By Lisa Michelle Templeton

Letting It Be: Mindful Lessons Toward Acceptance is a step-by-step guide authored by Dr. Lisa Templeton, a clinical psychologist, to help learn about your own inner process, manage thoughts and emotions more effectively, and to be a better friend to yourself and others.  Each chapter is about being with a certain focused energy to

• Language: English
• Publisher: TempleTown Publishing
• Release date: Apr 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9780999682715

Book preview

Introduction

. . .

WHAT BETTER REASON TO WRITE A BOOK THAN FOR THE betterment of oneself? This is how my writing began, in attempts to work through the difficult obstacles in my life and to aid me in connecting with something greater, while guiding myself through life with more ease, happiness, and peace. As I have continued working to accept the ever-changing circumstances of my life, I have realized my own responsibility in the choices that I make, and how my life transforms when I make decisions with more love. My prayer is that this book will help others in various predicaments and levels of difficulty as it has helped me, and will continue to help me in my own life.

I have received much peace from practicing the theories in this book. Working at letting it be has been a blessing for my own development, as well as for those learning from me in the therapy room. We all have something that has been difficult and hard to accept, no matter who we are. Some deal with profound levels of struggle or trauma, while others not as intensely. One person’s ordeal may be another person’s greatest fear. One person’s nightmare is another’s reality.

So how can we even begin to let go and accept some of the horrendous disasters and losses of life? Let me start by sharing a difficult situation I have struggled through that is my biggest challenge so far, but also my greatest gift. Like many women, through my 20s and 30s, I was incredibly focused on my professional education/career and continuing to learn about myself. I had a few romantic relationships, but mostly I did inner work and made attempts for continued growth to aid me in my career and my quest to understand consciousness. I told myself that I would find the right guy and settle down to have a family in my mid to late 30s. This seems to be a common decision many women are making these days; hence, I thought nothing of it.

When I was 33 years old, Ph.D. in hand and practice thriving, I found the man of my dreams (who happened to have been a great friend since my late teenage years and the perfect guy to settle down and start a family with). My excitement on my wedding day and honeymoon waxed as I thought about my husband’s beautiful blue eyes in a child of our own.

We had a lot of fun during the first year practicing and preparing to have a child. In the meantime, I built my practice up in Colorado and relished helping others who were struggling with a variety of issues. When nothing seemed to be happening in terms of getting pregnant, I started to feel the pressure – pressure from my mother (especially my being an only child), pressure from friends, pressure from myself, and even pressure from people I didn’t even know asking me why we hadn’t had children yet. I did not know the answer. All I knew was that I had manifested everything that I wanted in my life in due time, so I figured it might just take a bit longer for a child.

For the next couple of years, my husband and I tried all we could. Eventually, we went to doctors, had blood work, exams, and ultrasounds. All of them said it would just take some time and patience. I took my temperature for 365 days straight to ascertain when I would be most fertile. Sex became work and I struggled to accept the finality that we might not have a natural child with both of our genes.

The doctors finally recommended that we try In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Little did I know that the pain and darkness that would come from these procedures would eventually bring a light of acceptance into my heart. In the end, over the course of three years, we went through four IVFs that did not work. Many problems occurred with the IVFs along the way – health issues, expired meds, overstimulation leading to a full week of not even being able to get up out of bed. It was rough, but the experience ultimately strengthened me going through it. At the conclusion of the last IVF, we found out that I had a rare genetic disorder that affects my eggs and their capacity to propel the embryo into cell division. The doctors said it was possible, but unlikely that I would become pregnant, much less carry a full-term pregnancy.

The news of finding out the IVFs didn’t work and later about the genetic disorder left a slim chance of getting pregnant naturally or even with another IVF. At first, I was in shock and not really sure what to do. After all my intent and focus, I grieved my dream and fell into life, moving slowly through it, trying to stay mindful, but often times distracting myself with friends, parties and work. The pendulum swung back and forth. I dreamed and manifested other things for a while. My clinic was born, my spirituality blossomed with guidance while taking a course in Shamanism, and my creativity continued to grow as an artist, a writer, and a creator. I felt so much support from my loving, supportive friends and family. My husband and I considered adoption, but I was so exhausted by the process, I just couldn’t bring myself to move in that direction. My heart just wasn’t in it.

As I continued on my journey toward acceptance of the situation, blessings and light were everywhere. It was important for me to discern between what I could and could not control in my life, what I could and could not manifest with my own intent and will. I began to question whether having a child was part of my purpose. Perhaps what I thought I wanted so badly all my life was not in my best interest. Just because I am a woman, did not mean I had to be a mother. Could it be that I had other work to do in the world that being a mother would prevent me from doing?

I began to recognize that my getting pregnant was not meant to be at this time. As I started gently and lovingly reminding myself of the blessings in my life, the light of acceptance began to move its way through me, healing and nurturing what had once felt broken inside of me. The universe unfolds as it will. I must bow to the great mystery of life and the path that I was meant to follow. If God (or whatever you term a higher power) has not sparked life inside of my womb, then it is not yet, or maybe ever, meant to be. God’s way for me is much more knowledgeable and aware than my plan is. I needed to surrender my plan and with that came some light out of the darkness. In surrendering, I allowed myself to be.

This does not mean that my sense of acceptance didn’t fluctuate (and still does at times). An important message of this book is that acceptance is a process and we take steps forward and take steps back in life. One day we may be full of grief and then the next full of joy. The idea of acceptance can seem simple at times, and then at other times, absolutely impossible. We must work on letting whatever is within us just be.

In letting whatever is here just be, I can see the many blessings in my life that have come as a result of not having a child. I am grateful for the gift of my clinic and the great team of wonderful people who work beside me. There are also the gifts of my two twin godchildren who live only a few houses away, and the gift of my marriage, my friends and my parents, my Shaman teacher and community of supportive sisters, as well as the gift of this book. My experiences have taught me many of the lessons in this book and have allowed me to be a mother in many ways to myself as well as to others.

Of course, it seemed that the Universe would be testing me a lot of times, putting me in situations that really triggered a perspective of sorrow and lack in myself. The continued pressure of friends, family, and even strangers inquiring about babies was frustrating. Many would remind me that if I just let it go and relax, it would come. I felt some resentment that somehow this was my doing and if I would just relax and let go, life would be created. I relaxed and let go, yet it still didn’t happen. It was difficult to keep a positive mindset about myself and my life at times, especially when I started to move into lack and focusing on what I was missing as a woman. The Universe continued to remind me along the way that I was not in lack, and I needed to move away from my victim mentality.

I realized that, if I chose, I could discard my victimhood and stay mindful and aware of the consequences that mindset of thinking had on my spirit. I grasped that even being with my victimhood was part of surrender. I needed to be patient and loving with myself. Drawing on this patience as well as the gifts and blessings of my current circumstances, I was able in time to remember the path of surrender and peace.

About a year-and-a-half after the final IVF, this book began to take shape. I offered a 10-day online mindfulness meditation free event to my community, providing daily meditations and emails with focus very similar to the concepts of this book. My goal was to spread presence and joy to others. I felt it strange and ironic that these mindful lessons in acceptance continued to come up for me in teaching others, when I was really teaching myself. As I wrote and practiced the lessons that later became influential in writing this book, it was as though God was talking through me and manifesting as my inner power: I am a victor, not a victim.

While following my path of writing, I’ve had support from many bright spirits around me as I continue to grow spiritually; these mindful lessons have started a foundation of learning to surrender and accept all that is happening in my life, even if my life isn’t going my way. These lessons have also allowed me to remember my path of love, abundance and compassion, while letting go of the lack I had created in my mind. There is nothing remotely related to lack in my beautiful life. I am blessed beyond measure.

At one point, I knew that I was on the right path and continued to practice being in the moment and feeling more flow in my life as I worked more with letting it be. There was so much happening with the book, the spirit in my life, and feeling evoked by God with my circumstances that I felt right on track, especially when I expressed a lot of gratitude.

I recognized in hindsight that I was generating feelings that I would actually feel having a child, including bliss, joy, connection, abundance and love, and giving this to every child in the world, particularly myself. As my self-love grows, my heart blossoms and shines an inner light that never leaves. I now recognize that where my manifestations will lead as I move forward is a conscious creation between myself, the Universe, God, Goddess, the Divine, and/or Our Higher Power. Call it what you will – this essence knows much better about what is best for me in the world than I do. When I can follow the signs offered to me, and let go of my own plans, I will flow with life. I will have dreams and always stay open to hope; yet, I will accept what comes with love, surrender, gratitude and trust.

How to Use This Book

Each chapter encourages us to be in a certain space, with a particular energy. It is helpful to read a chapter at a time in order to be present within that space and allow your understanding and knowledge of that space to unfold. At the end of each chapter, there is a poem to allow for creative reflection and also suggestions for meditation(s) as a means of staying present with the topic at hand. Hopefully, these meditations and words will guide you in taking your power and learning deeper aspects of yourself as you take time to love yourself with compassion, slow down and go within.

Each chapter is connected to the next and will provide more insight sequentially into what has helped me in letting it be. Keep each chapter in mind as you move through the book and let your journey through the book (as in life) build off of what you have previously learned. Take time with each chapter to feel as though you have absorbed the lesson and then move on.

Connotations of the Word God

When reading certain words on a page, a variety of connotations, definitions and understandings come up for each individual that are comprised of each person’s perception, their knowledge, as well as their past experiences. When I talk about God, the Universe, a Higher Power, or the Divine in this book, I speak of something bigger that is within ourselves and lives throughout the universe. I believe there is no separation between myself and this higher power and to claim our own power is to manifest God through oneself in surrender. We are made in the likeness of God and we can strive to be Christ-like and allow the power of God to flow through us. I am very spiritual; I have called myself a Christian, a Healer, as well as a Shaman. I believe there are many paths to God and that many faiths speak the truth of love.

If you have negative connotations about the word God – just replace the word with what feels right for you. If there is no word, just think of the energy that keeps a heart beating on its own or the beauty and love of the universe or the strength of a mountain as something to embody and believe in. If you are adamant about not believing in something bigger, then believe and trust in yourself.

Using the Mindfulness Meditations in This Book

Mindfulness meditation is about being mindful and still for a time, while keeping focus in one area or on one object. We may focus inside (considering our thoughts, the feeling of our body, etc.) or we may focus outside (using our senses to notice our environment and what we hear, taste and smell). No matter where you focus, this attention can be medicine for slowing down and for quieting the mind in certain moments, as well as a dose of stillness needed to proceed through life’s difficulties. It’s not easy to quiet the mind and keep focus on one thing at a time. Meditation is not a practice to stop our thoughts: It is a process to become more aware of our thoughts.

Mindfulness is a moment-to-moment awareness as you are moving through life. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor of medicine and founder of a popular program in many hospitals called Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), defines mindfulness as, paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment. We can pay attention to anything around us and ask ourselves, what is happening right now? We can witness the event from a modified perspective with curiosity and attentiveness.

So as you get up from your meditations and move throughout the world, continue to ask yourself, am I paying attention to what’s going on in the present or am I somewhere else? If I’m somewhere else, it’s useful to note where that is and why. The moment is like a pendulum moving from present to future to past. It is our choice to practice bringing the presence into our moment as often as possible. Work to live moment to moment and slow down. You do have control of your mind, so take your power and practice remembering to stay present.

Whether in meditation or general mindfulness, practice like you would lift weights at the gym to build definition of muscle or study at school to achieve a degree. Work out daily with some form of meditation and mindfulness, even if it’s just a minute or two. When you go to the gym and work out, your muscles gain strength; so does your mind when it gets worked out. It’s healthy to start small and see how it feels. Try to have no judgment about the quality of your experience. Let your experience be what it is, even if you find a racing mind that continues to distract you.

As you follow the chapters, stay present and mindful in your life as often as possible, and move through the suggested meditations at your own pace. It’s a great work-out for your brain and you will progressively begin to increase your acceptance of yourself, others and all the joys and pains of life. Simply by changing your perspective, you can change your life. Since you only have a short time on this earth, you don’t want to miss all life has to offer. Our moment to moment experience here on earth will not be given to us, we must take it. In taking it, we are living it. In living it, we are free.

Part I:

Letting The Difficult Be: Working to Observe Resistance and Maintain Objectivity

CHAPTER ONE

Be

Wherever You Are

Let yourself be wherever you are and know that it’s always going to be all right.

. . .

LIFE IS FULL OF UPS AND DOWNS. WE WOULD NOT BE HUMAN if we did not have certain difficulties in our lives to guide us into growth and teach us how resilient we really are. If we face our difficulties with the energy of resistance, we are starting a battle with reality that we will ultimately lose. We must work at noticing where we are and honoring ourselves wherever we are in our process.

At a friend’s wedding a few years ago, about six months after my last IVF, I was seated with a gushing new mom, my friend (who I had just learned was pregnant that evening), and an older mom of four. Given my infertility situation, it was a recipe for deep sorrow, as well as deep learning. I stepped outside to get a break from all the mother talk and sympathetic looks, only to be forced back inside by hordes of biting mosquitoes. Upon walking back in, I heard one woman ask the other, What do you think it takes to be a good mom? I’m thinking, Seriously? My resistance was strong. As a result, the conversations of motherhood went on and on that night, worsened by the fact that I was bleeding and feeling very hormonal, which of course only intensified my emotional state.

I was livid and angry with the Universe. What the hell, God – really? I wanted to blame God and be the victim of the terrible situation I was in, of the lack that I had in my life and feelings of being out of control at the boring wedding that droned on and on. I wanted to run away and not experience what was happening. I didn’t, at that time, want to take responsibility for what I might be bringing to myself as a result of my victimhood. I just wanted to sit in it.

As I look back on that night, I realize that my victimhood was ultimately fed by my resistance to the overall situation; I was not letting myself be wherever I was, even if it was sitting in lack. I was not being patient with myself, only judging my current state of victimhood. Eventually, I got back to the present and remembered the importance of compassion and allowing myself to be wherever I was without judgment.

Allowing vs. Resisting

In allowing, I open up my perspective of the situation for what it might be doing to