What If … I Truly Believed?

By Ginna Callahan

Ginna was given one hour to live.

What follows is an extraordinary tale of couragethe courage to live and the challenge to trust.

Her one hour has now become almost fourteen years, more than a decade of battling a host of cancerous tumors, debilitating treatments, and several near-death experiences.

Follow the journey that took her from her sick bed years ago to her unabashed belief today of the absolute certainty that God not only existsbut loves us unconditionally. It is this certainty that has both enabled and challenged her to maintain her trust and faith in God when tested with pain and suffering.

This is Ginnas love story to God, the creator who never abandoned her.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Mar 11, 2015
• ISBN: 9781452598918

Ginna Callahan

Ginna Callahan, who returned to God on October 16, 2014, lived with her husband Terry in Sparta, New Jersey. Together they raised three daughters and enjoyed a growing family of five grandchildren (so far). She was a teacher for twenty-five years with a Masters degree as a reading specialist. She attained her spiritual direction certification following the completion of a two-year study program from The Guild for Spiritual Direction in Ossining, New York. Ginna devoted her spare time to mentoring others on their personal spiritual journey.

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Copyright © 2015 Ginna Callahan.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4525-9890-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9891-8 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 3/11/2015

Contents

Dedication

Preface

Chapter 1 Don’t fight the traffic, go with the flow. We Didn’t

Chapter 2 My life Changed; The presence of God

Chapter 3 The answer and more…

Chapter 4 Reality

Chapter 5 Talking to God

Chapter 6 Revelations

Chapter 7 Seasons Change

Chapter 8 The Change Within Me

Chapter 9 I’m dying

Chapter 10 Believing

Chapter 11 I Forgot To Remember

Chapter 12 A Life Celebrated

Questions for group discussion

About the Author

Dedication

I dedicate this book to any and all that need to see that God is alive in their lives. I dedicate this book to my children: Tara, Meghan and Kristin—my gifts from God. I dedicate this book to all those who have prayed for me and traveled with me in this life, all the people I love. My only wish for your lives is that you come to know that you are so precious to God. And of course, it is dedicated to my husband, Terry, who has traveled this path with me and has shown me more love than I could have fathomed. Finally, there are my parents: Joe and Virge, who gave me unconditional love.

Special thanks to my two wonderful doctors: Dr. Frank Kane and Dr. Raja Flores who have supported me, healed me, and never abandoned me. Much thanks to Ashley Ginter who believed I had a story to tell and helped me to become a writer.

In memory of my mother, Virginia McGrath Clark (8/30/1919-2/9/2007), who gave me her faith.

Preface

What if I truly believed?

This is a question that has been on my mind since I was a child. I remember being at the Stations of the Cross in a Catholic elementary school and feeling so in love with God. He suffered. I suffered. That he hurt. I hurt. Then he fell. I fell. That God was my protector, loving me like a father. That God gave up his life on earth and suffered for me to be with him in eternity and that his spirit was within me. If this was all true, wouldn’t I be different than I am? Wouldn’t I be holier? How could I make my life worthy of all this love that surrounds me and that is in me? Wouldn’t I want to be all God wants me to be; all that I was placed on earth to do in this life? I truly believe the answer for all of us is YES. So then what?

The stories that I will tell are the events that led me to recognize the very real presence of God in my life and in the lives of others. I hope all those who may read my story will be led to recognize the hand of God in their own life. Now, I feel God’s hand holding me and guiding me. His hand was always there, but I was not always seeing it. These stories all happened. Details are from my memory, details that may not be precise enough to undergo scrutiny, but they are my perceptions of the events that happened. I would have to reenact every day of my life in instant replay to get every moment right, spend every moment getting information of time and place, medical reports and so on. But to do that would take away what I need to convey, which is beyond all the details. All that is important is I have experienced God on a very real level, a level I can’t deny, a level I need to share. I ask you to contemplate the question for yourself. What if… you truly believed in God?

I have had a good life, but it has been only in the last number of years that I have felt the difference between a good life and a great life. The difference is, I truly believe. It amazes me to write those words. Although it has been a lifetime of feeling I loved God, I couldn’t or wouldn’t take the risk or the leap of faith to see where the answer would lead. It was God alone who brought me to see. I was able to know the difference by seeing what unfolded when God showed me I could believe. I have a relationship of trust with God now that has made all the difference. My endeavor is to share my story in the hope that you too will take that leap and suspend all disbelief. See if you see the parallels in your own life and recognize your own knowing.

So for the time it takes to read this book, I ask you to suspend all disbelief. For this short period of time, let us feel God with us. Hear him calling you. Remember me, come to know me again, I love you, love me.

What if we were like Mary, giving birth to the spirit of Jesus deep within our souls? Imagine that this spirit grows and grows within us the more we say Yes to God. Yes God, I will trust you with my life. I know what that means on a very literal level today. I truly do believe in God today, and it has changed me. My life is so much happier, richer, and more peaceful than I ever knew it could be. Many people would be surprised I could feel this way. The doctors classify me as terminally ill.

For me, life is precious. Life is truly a beautiful mystery; we just have to be present to its wonder. The question is, can we have faith for what we don’t understand? Can we believe in what we can’t see? Can we trust God with the plan? The unexpected thing happens, and then we are given a different type of seeing, not the future, but glimpses of the miraculous in the lives of others.

For me it first began by seeing the miraculous in others’ lives. I saw the blessings as their lives unfolded in front of me. I saw their difficulties, but I also recognized the blessings that came from their growth and sometimes pain. It took longer to be aware of my own miracles, but then I started recognizing them in my own life. The little miracles were God all along. Gradually, we can start seeing some threads being woven together in our own lives even though we cannot see the entire tapestry; we recognize the majestic love who is the Weaver. I am not experiencing something I never knew before, but I have a wider screen of insight based on what life has given me in facing death. What is different today is the feeling of peace and the assurance of God’s love. I trust him with the outcomes. I am open to be led even though I don’t see the path. I may die shortly, or I may have much longer to live than others would think possible. Personally, I believe I will get well. It is just the how that is unknown. By statistics, I should have died already. I wait in the unknown. Isn’t this true for all of our lives?

Thomas Merton reflected many of my own thoughts in a prayer long before I realized this level of trust. His words speak to me, and I see the commonality we all have as travelers on this earth. His words held me in times of doubt. Like you, I have felt these doubts and desire more than anything to have trust.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. (Thomas Merton)

I believe that there is a purpose for each of our lives. There is something that can only happen because of us. For some of us, the answer is clear. For others, there is less certainty. For most of my life, I knew that I was supposed to be a teacher. Now, I do not know my purpose. My teaching career is over; that phase of my life ended with my illness. I have begun giving some spiritual direction and felt God’s presence in helping others grow closer to him. I have journeyed with others as they approached death and have been blessed by the sacredness of those experiences. I’ve been given this extra time on earth. My core is filled with love for God and a tremendous sense of gratitude for so many blessings. I hope I have more time to be a vessel of God’s love in my life. My hope is that in the time I have left on this earth, I can help others know God’s love the way I do. Perhaps someone who reads this book will connect through a word or phrase or story that they can relate to and feel touched by God in their heart.

I have felt called to write this book yet at the same time have struggled to begin. Ironically, moments before I sat down at the computer I opened one of my books, Creation Spirituality by Matthew Fox, and within a few pages I came across the words by Anne Dillard, Write as if you were dying. Coming across that line the day before I started writing seemed prophetic. Just again, another moment of God’s direction in realizing I have to tell these stories. I was given these experiences that were meant to show God’s presence in our lives when we are open to receiving God’s spirit and have a desire to live our lives according to his will. I need to speak what I feel in my heart; I must write without restrictions or hesitation. Whatever I can share that would help one person grow closer to God, means this writing has served its purpose. So I will write as if I were dying.

CHAPTER 1

Don’t fight the traffic, go with the flow. We Didn’t

My story begins in the spring of 2001. My husband, Terry, and I have been married for 26 years, and we live in a lovely white colonial house with our three daughters. Our home is in a vibrant community in rural northern New Jersey about 50 miles from New York City. Life is good. That April, Terry and I decided to go on a short escape for a few days to Maryland and Virginia. We planned to return home by Easter to celebrate the occasion with our three daughters: Tara, our oldest, who was a senior at the University of Massachusetts, Meghan, who was a junior at Rutgers, and Kristin, the youngest, who was only 16 and a sophomore in high school. We love Easter and didn’t want to change our family tradition of sharing this holiday together even as the girls got older. We always have had special Easters.

The girls never wanted to change that by any of us being away for the holiday. Kristin, who would be away with a friend and her family at Disney World in Orlando, and Terry and I all planned to be back by Holy Thursday, at the very latest.

As the girls grew older, they outgrew hunting for eggs with money, and candy didn’t do it, so Terry devised new traditions. When the girls woke up Easter morning, we would have a beautiful breakfast together at the dining room table, which wasn’t used except for special occasions. The table was set the night before with our good china, cloth napkins, and special decorations. In fact, the entire house was decorated for Easter. Setting a beautiful table was an event for these occasions. Breakfast items were prepared the day before so all time would be focused on being together. Since candy was no longer a big priority because of always dieting, the chocolate Easter bunny had long ago been eliminated. The girls’ baskets would be filled with a small assortment of fun gifts: hair accessories, an inexpensive bracelet or two, perhaps a necklace and our traditional colored Easter eggs, of course. Because we were going away, the collecting of the items for the girls’ baskets had already been completed, and they were just waiting in my closet to be put together on Easter morning.

The Saturday before Easter, Terry and I would spend the day creating clues to put in the girls’ Easter baskets. Sometimes there were a dozen or more clues each that would take them inside and outside the house. Terry created poems and rhymes and used vocabulary words that they might even have to use a dictionary to decipher. My job was to run around and put the clues in their locations. Each girl had her own set of clues that would lead her to a small gift or two. It wasn’t about the gift; it was about the fun of reading dad’s clues and getting to the next clue. When breakfast was over, it was time to get ready for church.

When I think of Easter, I’m reminded of one particular Easter long ago. The kids, ages 5, 10 and 11, and I were in the front row of church all dressed up in our new outfits. Looking at Terry and then our beautiful little girls, I just wanted to freeze the moment…stop time. After all these years I still remember that moment, a moment where your heart stops time and you observe and inhale the awe in life. Being grateful for our lives, our love, our children, and the wonderful families, and traditions we come from is something I didn’t take for granted.

Terry and I come from big families, he is one of five and I am the middle child of six (if there is such a thing). To this day, most of the relatives on my side try to spend our holidays together—Easter is my family’s holiday. After church, Terry, the girls, and I spend the rest of the holiday at my Brother Bob’s house. Bob lives in Bergen County, NJ, as does most of my family, with his wife Mary and their four kids. The rest of the entire Clark clan usually ranging around 20-30 people may come for dinner or stop by for dessert. God bless Mary for handling this group. We are lucky she was one of nine children herself and was up to such a task. When you thank her, she only says, No problem, I love doing this. I write about all this just so you know exactly what pulls us all home.

But for now, that 2001 Easter season, Terry and I are off for our short jaunt, and we will be back for the holiday. One of the main purposes of the trip is to visit with Terry’s older brother. We became aware that Pat’s health condition had taken a toll on him. He had been through several heart surgeries and didn’t know how much longer his body would hold out. We wanted to support him and let him know we cared and loved him. It was hard for us to really understand all he had been through. I can still recall telling Terry we do not have a clue what it is to face all Pat had known. How do we know how we would respond? We had been very fortunate in so many ways. We were unaware that the next few days would change our life’s circumstances so dramatically.

A summary of our trip would be—a vacation where nothing went right. Talk about going against the flow—we were determined we would have fun. Nothing but nothing flowed, yet we kept on trucking. After a few days, we both concluded that we shouldn’t have to work this hard to have fun. What was going on? We felt like we were fighting karma…we were…

I love long car trips. I bring along a bunch of books, and I get in the zone and read. Coincidently, one of the books I was reading was "What’s Next" by Rena Pederson. This book cites stories of women and their decisions for the second half of their lives. In reviewing the book and taking it back off the shelf today, I opened it to an underlined sentence; Listen to the voice inside you that tells you to go another way. More ironic than reviewing the book presently, it was the only sentence underlined. That was surprising in retrospect. Being a teacher and a forever student, I was the classic under-liner. Definitely, I was hoping I would get insight from this book on the trip. To see those words again after all these years brings back those feelings and frustrations at that time. This could not have been a coincidence.

As we drove south and I was reading further into the book, another thought unexpectedly entered my brain—actually a question: Is this the end of my life? Wow! Where did that come from? That was a frightful thought. I realized something for the very first time in my life. There were no further plans in my head or my heart that hadn’t already happened. From finding a great man in my life, to giving birth to three beautiful daughters, to the picture perfect white colonial house with the red door I always dreamed about, my life seemed complete. Add the teaching career, the Master’s plus 75 credits to make the top of the salary guide, just in time to help pay for college tuitions. Getting to the top of the salary guide alone was a lot of hard work, perseverance, and took many years to complete while teaching full time.

The major goals I had set for my life had been completed. My workhorse days were almost done. I did my job. That was it. I did it. I lived the life I wanted. Those were my dreams. What was next? Powerfully, it came to me. There were no more. This wasn’t a celebration—this was an Oh My God…what now? Am I going to die? Is this the end of my life? I hadn’t planned further than this. Why hadn’t I had any further vision for my life? WOW! The reality of that statement and thought struck me. What strange things to think about. What does this mean for my life? I was only 51 years old. I needed something more! Now the career I had been devoted to had changed. I felt like my career was done. Been there, done that and didn’t need to do more. So what then? I hoped one of the books I was reading would give me insight into my life’s next journey. Now that I’m speaking of my journey, let me continue with this one.

We drove as far as the eastern shore of Maryland and stayed in a great bed and breakfast where we had stayed once before. It was a perfect spot to rekindle romance. After checking in, we went to move the car nearer to our private suite. I searched for my glasses. I couldn’t find them. Bending forward to look for them on the floor, I instantly felt a pain across my chest. That’s strange, I thought. So don’t bend down again, I said to myself.

Thinking it was the position I was in that caused the pain, I got out of the car to search under the seat, yet I still felt the strain. I went back to the inn, retracing my steps and mumbling, I can’t be on this entire trip without glasses. But still, no glasses were to be found. There would be no more reading for a while, my favorite thing to do.

Reflecting back just a few hours ago, I remembered being bothered by my chest hurting while reaching for my glasses on the floor of the car. Was I getting so heavy that stretching down would bother me? How pathetic was I? Was all of this about menopause? Exercising everyday on the treadmill wasn’t doing a thing. I had a flashback to just a few months back, when Terry and I were walking in a snowstorm. Our usual walk down the road felt like I was walking across the Alaskan tundra. I had almost asked Terry to go back and get the car and pick me up, but I hadn’t. Once again, my ego was dictating my embarrassment at being so out of shape. What was happening to me? I remember feeling the strain on my heart and being out of breathe. Were these signs?

That night in Maryland, we had a wonderful dinner by candlelight in front of a fireplace, and I began to let my fears dissolve. Later that evening, we made love. But something a bit out of the ordinary happened. I had to ask Terry to lift his body from me after making love. I was feeling too much pressure on my chest. Close to 30 years of marriage, and he never felt