Never Done Becoming One

By Jonathan E. Smith and Katara Smith

Right at the time you and your spouse said, “I do” the process of oneness began. You and your mate are always in a state of becoming one. Dr. Smith has noticed four factors that can hinder the process of oneness. The first is the lack of communication i.e., you just do not speak the same language. Secondly is lack of social, intellectual, recreational, and sexual intimacy. Then there is the issue of finances, not necessarily the lack thereof but a disagreement as to how to utilize finances. Lastly is misunderstanding or misinterpreting your partner’s words and actions. This book will help couples navigate the waters of Becoming One.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798385009404

Jonathan E. Smith

Jonathan and Katara Smith started their journey towards oneness in 1988. During their over three decades journey, Katara became an accomplished public-school teacher, teaching children on both the west and east coasts, and was recognized in California and Virginia as teacher of the year. Jonathan became a Doctor of Organizational Systems and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. Jonathan is also an ordained minister, serving since 1999. Jonathan and Katara have three wonderful sons and a loving daughter and currently reside in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

Book preview

Copyright © 2023 Jonathan E. Smith and Katara Smith.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 979-8-3850-0939-8 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-3850-0940-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023919221

WestBow Press rev. date:  10/20/2023

CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Fools and Babies

Chapter 2: Who are your people?

Jonathan’s Journey

Katara’s Journey

Questions about your people

Chapter 3: Change S.H.A.P.E

Jonathan’s S.H.A.P.E

Katara’s S.H.A.P.E

Jonathan’s Change

Katara’s Change

Returning to the original S.H.A.P.E

Jonathan’s Challenge

Katara’s Challenge

Questions/exercise about S.H.A.P.E

Chapter 4: Marriage is a Dance

Assess the Situation

Proclaim the desired outcome!

Look Outside of yourself!

Continue to Turn

Jonathan’s Spinning

Katara’s Spinning

Spinning Questions/exercise

Chapter 5: Facts, Faith, Feelings

Jonathan’s Ride on the Train

Katara’s Ride on the Train

On the Train exercise

Chapter 6: Mount Communicateus

Jonathan’s Climb Up

Katara’s Climb Up

Affective Filter and Dialogue

Jonathan’s Journey

Katara’s Journey

Jonathan’s Gut Level Attempt

Katara’s Gut Level Attempt

Mount Communicateus Questions

Chapter 7: LEARN to TURN

Turning Exercise

Example of Jonathan’s turning

Example of Katara’s turning

Why Turn?

Chapter 8: Recovery Time

Take a break before something breaks (24-12-6…)

Jonathan’s Lesson

Katara’s Lesson

Taking a Break questions/exercise

Restore and Repent

Relationship and Fellowship

Chapter 9: Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy

Jonathan’s Journey (intellectually)

Katara’s Journey (intellectually)

Social Intimacy

Jonathan’s Journey (socially)

Katara’s Journey (socially)

Recreational intimacy

Jonathan’s Journey (recreationally)

Katara’s Journey (recreationally)

Sexual Intimacy

Jonathan’s Journey (sexually)

Katara’s Journey (sexually)

Intimacy Questions/exercise

Chapter 10: Finances

Jonathan’s Journey (financially)

Katara’s Journey (financially)

Questions/exercise on finances

Chapter 11: Misinterpreting your mate’s words and Actions

Jonathan’s Journey

Katara’s Journey

Misinterpretation questions/exercise

Chapter 12: Taking Care of and Caring for each other and Family

Husband

Jonathan’s Journey

Wife

Katara’s Journey

4 P’s and H’s Questions/Exercise

Conclusion

24398.png

I met my beautiful bride on April 9, 1971; we married on August 21, 1971. What took us years to figure out, the Smiths in their book, Never Done Becoming One help us even today and can help you if you are serious about married life. In this book, that I’d call a manual for a lasting marriage, they help us to navigate our relationship with true to life stories, practical questions, and the wisdom of a trained certified, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist that I only wish we had years ago. After 47 years I am not able to tell you how many books we, my wife and I, have read on marriage, family, relationships, etc. We attended every seminar we could on those topics for years and we still do. Why? We found out after we said I do we didn’t actually know each other. We had both been, as our grandchildren would say, Ghosted. Not assuming you have grandchildren, it means deceived. It was not our intention. The right questions were not asked.

Never Done Becoming One will ask the questions we wish we had asked. Questions about family, communication, sex, background, the household you grew up in, siblings if you have any, your parents, violence in the home, violations, etc. are all addressed in their book. Any one of these can make a marriage challenging and almost impossible to overcome if not properly understood. I had no idea how important the answers to such questions were for a lasting marriage. Your spouse may seem weird to you and if so, this book will help you discover the why. The answers have the ability to help deepen your love for each other.

Don’t try to rush through it. There is no hurry, take your time and let the principles, life experiences, education, academic training, wisdom of a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, seep into your relationship until it becomes yours. The rewards of an until death do us part marriage can’t even be placed into words. I will end with this: At a recent weekend marriage conference my wife and I attended, a couple that had been married the longest stood in front of over 100 couples and said loud enough for all of us to hear, We have been married over 60 years and it just gets better. I hugged wife and said, That’s our goal.

May Never Done Becoming One help those words become yours. If you are reading this book, my wife and I have prayed for you. May God bring healing, restoration, and a long marriage as together we learn from this very special couple.

Rev. Dr. Samuel M. Huddleston

Dr. Samuel Huddleston is the Assistant Superintendent of the Northern California and Nevada District Assemblies of God. He also serves on the Executive Presbytery of the General Council Assemblies of God. Dr. Samuel is the author of his autobiography, Five Years to Life, which has inspired people across America and throughout the world, giving them hope for a new beginning. He has also written the book, Grand Slam.

26499.png

CHAPTER 1

Fools and Babies

One thing for sure is that every marriage is different, and each couple has their own unique dance. Therefore, there is a need for many different types of books on marriage. Most books on marriage use vignettes which share real life situations but changed names intended to protect the confidentiality of the holders of the story. This discussion on marriage won’t include vignettes of that nature, but my wife and I will share our story as the backdrop to the concepts we believe move us towards oneness. A witness tells all he or she has seen, heard and knows. This is an account of Jonathan and Katara’s journey towards oneness. It is our desire that our account will help others on their oneness trek.

We dated for 3 months when I asked her to marry me. My wife and I married at young ages; she was 18 and I was 20. It went something like this. Katara and I were at a park overlooking San Francisco as I was admiring the beauty outside and inside my Chevy S-10 and I asked, Katara how about we get married? and Katara answered, Let me think about it…O.K. That’s when our journey took a turn towards oneness. God protects fools and babies; I was the fool and Katara was the baby. We both were naive about the things of life, but we knew that we wanted to experience it together.

We met at a club in San Francisco. I was in the United States Marine Corps, and she was a senior in high school. I went to the club seeking, not a mate but a good time with no pressures to impress as evident in my choice of clothes (USMC sweats) for my night out.

1.JPG

I really wasn’t thinking about meeting someone and embarking on the trip of a lifetime. I just wanted to go out with some friends, look at some beautiful California women, and drink till I couldn’t feel my face. But God had different plans. As I was stumbling around the club, I saw the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. It was like I sobered up immediately— stopped stumbling and everything! So, I pushed past several men attempting to ask her to dance, took her hand and walked to the dance floor to bedazzle her with my awesome dancing skills. She must’ve liked what she saw because she never stopped smiling the whole time we were on the floor. I found out later she was laughing and was not at all impressed by my moves. Guess I was not as sober as I thought. That dance started our journey together.

Journeys of two people normally start from two different paths and then at some point they converge. That convergence can be looked at as the beginning of the oneness process. The oneness process begins with the idea that a person needs to understand their family of origin. To become one with another person you must understand how you became the person you are.

26499.png

CHAPTER 2

Who are your people?

Growing up in Tennessee, whenever I would meet a new friend, their parents would ask a simple question to figure out who I was. Who are your people? No doubt, knowing my family would give the inquiring parent an idea of who I was and how I may interact with their child.

Marriage is the union of two people from different familial cultures and backgrounds. Understanding one’s own past and recognizing how past experiences could affect present behaviors can take a lifetime.