Search for Sanity One Step at a Time: Blood, Sex, and Tears

By Evelyn Leite

If you or someone you love are among the 19.4 million people who suffer alcohol or drug addiction, this unvarnished, raw recount of the various ways and many years the author suffered, can serve as the understanding and validation you need.

As her story reveals, the initial "escape" alcohol offers, quickly brings compounding issues setting the person on a path of denial that can lead to destruction. If you doubt God's love, hear voices that influence you to do evil deeds, and desperately need someone who can understand your struggles, let Evelyn Leite's experience draw you to the truth, hope and help immediately available.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Living With Solutions
• Release date: Sep 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798988772712

Book preview

Acknowledgments

Introduction

PART ONE

Chapter One – Out of the Frying Pan into the Freezer

Chapter Two – The Dream is Becoming a Nightmare

Chapter Three – A Girl’s Gotta Have Some Fun!

Chapter Four – When Will I Keep My Mouth Shut?

Chapter Five – Everything I Never Wanted to Know about Alcoholism

Chapter Six – Two Faces Instead of One to Hate

Chapter Seven – Damned, Blessed or Just Plain Crazy?

PART TWO

Chapter Eight – A Geographical Escape

Chapter Nine – Happy Days Are Just Around the Corner

Chapter Ten – Why Don’t You Just Go Kill Yourself?

Chapter Eleven – Surrender or Die

Chapter Twelve - The Devil You Say

Chapter Thirteen – Common Sense is a Commodity

Chapter Fourteen – Sink, Swim, or Die Trying

PART THREE

Chapter Fifteen – Reverend Higgins Warned Me

Chapter Sixteen – When Marriage Feels Like Incest

Chapter Seventeen – Angels Walk, Talk and Dance

Chapter Eighteen – California is Full of Intrigue

PART FOUR

Chapter Nineteen – Hang On We’re Going for a Ride

Chapter Twenty – Trying to Keep Evil at Bay

Chapter Twenty-One – the Devil is Real

Chapter Twenty-Two – Voices from Nowhere

Chapter Twenty-Three – Making Peace with My Brother

Chapter Twenty-Four – Does the Learning Curve Ever Stop?

Chapter Twenty-Five – Never a Dull Moment

EPILOG

Afterword

Addendum

Appendix

About the Author

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I want to acknowledge and thank my most indispensable helper, Pamela Christian, of Pamela Christian Ministries LLC. She is a jack of all trades and completely gifted in what she does. She has helped me with five other books: Women—What So We Want?, A Fix for the Family Rift Caused By Addiction, Just Fine Thank You, Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow, To Be Somebody and this one, A Search for Sanity. One Step at a Time. Her advice and support are priceless. And without her I would still be floundering.

I also want to thank and acknowledge those wonderful people who have endorsed my work, many who were part of my recovery. These people are vital, irreplaceable, extremely helpful and loving friends. This list is certainly headed by the incomparable Bill O’Hanlon who took time for me and my son for the umpteenth time in as many years despite an exceptionally busy life. He is highly gifted and is my hero in every sense of the word.

With extreme gratitude, I’d like to thank Amy Wagner, Sarah Daniels Shultz, Delaine Shay, Sharon Scheef Wilkerson, Dr. Al Boysen, Barbara K. Bohl Gammeter, and Susan Hughes. All of these people are influential in their respective fields with highly demanding roles. I am so humbled that they would take the time to read and comment on my books.

And to you, the reader. I bow to your ability to choose any book you want to read. Thank you for your commitment to growth.

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Table of Contents

EPIGRAPH

Booker T. Washington was an American educator, author, orator, and adviser to multiple presidents of the United States. Between 1890 and 1915, Washington was the dominant leader in the African American community.

He was an incredibly wise man who said:

Success is not where you are, it is what you have overcome.

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INTRODUCTION

She could throw her life away or get her act together, so she tried both.

Alcohol, drugs, and all things addictive can get inside our spirit and destroy the soul. Death, destruction, broken families, abused children, and ruined lives come with addictions. Failing to acknowledge the unacceptable truth about the effects of addiction is a national tragedy of epidemic proportions.

The stigma surrounding the killer effects of substance abuse and mental illness, and the inadequacy we feel when faced with them, causes many folks to avoid these unpleasant subjects or even hide from them. People get outraged about loved ones drinking or exhibiting strange behavior, blaming the addict instead of the disease. Or they themselves may deny any personal problem with alcohol or other addictions.

Substance abuse and other addictive disorders, including gambling, sexual addiction, and eating disorders, are ignored or minimized because people feel helpless and incompetent to address them. Even though we see this behavior, we often say nothing, fearing that mentioning the addiction will make things worse, and ignoring the addiction makes us feel safer. Even when we recognize an addictive problem in someone, we might turn our backs on them, saying, What can I do?

The best you can do is be informed and willing to accept the unvarnished truth. It is impossible to combat something if you aren’t aware of what you are up against. Knowledge is power. In my situation, power could only be gained by ultimately surrendering to a God I didn’t trust in.

Though we now know that alcoholism and drug addiction are not moral issues but physical diseases, old beliefs die hard, and our society harshly judges people with these diseases. This helps no one and causes people to hide instead of asking for help. Shame is a powerful motivator for silence and ultimately destroys people. Seeking help can be a two-edged sword. Many addicts, like me, are desperate for help and find closed doors, long waiting lines, or unskilled therapists thus giving up on sobriety. Never, never, never give up.

In this book, I hope to show how insidiously sneaky substance abuse is, and how denial controls and destroys a family, by sharing my substance abuse issues and the diabolical fight to survive.

Most of my life made no sense; I endured much of it in staggering anxiety. My dad’s verbal abuse left severe scars in me, made worse by my mother’s detachment and refusal to acknowledge the abuse. When I was older and privileged to study with the great Virginia Satir (family therapist), I heard her repeatedly say, If you wish to create a mentally ill child, treat him nice one day and abuse him the next. I grew up this way, and I’m sure it is how my parents grew up as well.

Next, I married someone who made my life look like a picnic. He was even more confused and in pain than I was. I guess those with low self-esteem are always looking for someone to love them, and we usually find people who are worse off than we are.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, I never learned healthy coping skills or how to deal successfully with life’s difficulties. I discuss these challenges in my previous books, outlining how complicated it is for a child to raise him or herself in a dysfunctional family. I also share events of my love life, which, in actuality, was a hated life.

Confusion made me a prime target for satan’s arrows. All my life, evil and mysterious voices propelled me in ways that created hideous repercussions, leaving me feeling exhausted and worthless. I blamed God for all the pain and losses in my life, and sometimes dwelled in self-sabotage. Common sense made no sense in a world where I didn’t know if I was damned, blessed, or just plain crazy.

I will take you step by step through the craziness of my everyday struggles with God, the dreams I had for idyllic romantic relationships, and the emotionally destructive ways I tried to fix myself and hide my shame. I also share how I eventually learned everything I never wanted to know about alcoholism and grew to understand that God is not my enemy.

Not all alcoholics hear the demonic voices described in my story. I listened to those voices and have since talked with others who have. The voices taunted me about not being good enough. They shamed me for being needy and ridiculed my mistakes. Ultimately, the voices kept me awake at night, telling me to hurt people. The more I tried to avoid the voices, the louder they clamored.

As the reader, be aware of the risk that comes to you, by exploring the truths about evil written in this book. But by all

means, don’t let this risk prevent you from the truth that will set you free.

Very few share the voices in the head experience because it is a frightening subject—one not believed by many and utterly taboo in some circles. Plus, it could get you locked up by scared mental health professionals or open you up for sneers and derision by others. To comprehend the very idea of the devil running through our lives, spreading confusion and fear, you must keep an open mind. The devil wants you to believe he is a myth and nothing to be concerned about, but nothing could be further from the truth. I write this book to overcome the deceptions and present truth, regardless how unpopular, so that those exposed to my testimony have some chance for wholeness.

You may be inclined to explore some of the things I share, such as witchcraft, shamanism, and tarot cards, but this inclination is not coming from the Lord. It comes from a cunning, scheming, Machiavellian presence we can neither see nor deal with on our own. If you’ve never seriously considered the existence of God who is only good and satan who is all evil, I ask you reconsider. As I and many others have learned, our only hope in this life is to discover and resolutely live in life-giving truth.

The story I’m presenting might sound far-fetched to you, but just know this truth and others like it from ordinary people blows evil’s cover and reveal the tactics, strategies, and insidious tricks the devil uses to fool us. Be on guard.

I’ve led much of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I often saw other people’s behavior as a personal vendetta against me. I lived in constant fear of God’s punishment and of losing my children. I struggled to drown inconceivable shame with alcohol and massacred my feelings with nicotine. Fear was a constant companion, and confusion reigned as I fought with myself, constantly trying to fix myself. I read at least 150 self-help books, not knowing I only needed one book—the Bible, which I scorned.

The enemy is not human, but spirit in nature. Evil seeks to destroy those who are a threat, which is precisely what Christians are. While evil has power more significant than our human power, God’s power is even greater. We must always remember this.

Satan is the author of immorality, the instigator of confusion, the minister of lies, and the master of mourning and difficulty. He incites negative thoughts in our minds as often as he can. Evil will bring roadblocks as we try to evade its clutches. In my case, evil sent voices, pedophiles, sickness, and temptation. He used diverse individuals.

One of the messages in this book concerns how the door to a soul opens for evil when we are confused, or fearful, or are overcome by substance intoxication. The devil will take advantage of every crack in our armor. My anger at God left a path of destruction open to my children, leaving them vulnerable and unprotected from the evil in our home, this was the last thing in the world I would have wanted. My alcoholism led me down a path foraged by my father’s addiction, bringing destruction, fear, self-loathing, and desperation. I understand now the disease that was driving him. Even when I wasn’t drinking, my behavior was often that of an unhinged person because I had no anchor. I lived years and years of being starved for attention, desperate for love and nurturing.

There is no loneliness quite like being an alcoholic or being with an active alcoholic. Many of them, like my father, are completely and utterly lost in their disease.

Demonic influences will do everything to intimidate, discourage, and scare you away from anything disclosing its presence, including reading this book. You may not scare easily, but it takes courage to delve into unpleasant truths. Be aware you might suddenly get very busy or distracted while the book that could save your life, or the life of someone you love, lays on the shelf. I share my story with the hope that my openness might help give someone enough courage to search for truth and ask the right people for help for their addiction, especially alcoholism. Never give up on yourself, or someone you love, because God might be trying to save them through you.

Table of Contents

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PART ONE

The Challenge in Front of Me

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

—Albert Einstein

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Table of Contents

CHAPTER ONE

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Freezer

When all emotion gets put on hold

Saturday, September 1, 1973, is an idyllic day, warmly filled with lazy, dusty sunshine. The sweet, mixed perfume of drying leaves, fading roses, and mums hang in the air. Fuzzy, indistinct sounds from the football practice taking place on our college campus can be heard as we walk from my apartment to the car.

Smoke from the fireplaces in nearby homes lit last night to take the chill out of the crisp night air still loiters lazily in the atmosphere, allowing the faint smell of pine to hover around us.

My brother, Bill, is driving us to the church. He looks spiffy in his new western blazer and beaver cowboy hat. He is his usual cheerful self, teasing Jon by saying, It’s not too late, Jon, I could drop you off somewhere. My future husband grins his most affable grin and retorts, Too late now.

From my perch in the back seat, I can see Jon flushed, sweating, and bravely trying to hide his hangover from last night’s bachelor party. All six-foot, two-inches of his 180 pound frame takes up most of the car’s small front seat. I like his size because when I’m with him, my five-foot, one size 4 body feels even more diminutive and feminine than usual. His take-charge air also gives me a feeling of safety. However, I have seen one chink in his armor where he turns into a different person when his family is around. I notice that his relationship with his mother is that of a much younger person, almost as if he fears making her angry. In actuality, he’s the one who is