“Become their personal secretary and organise all the paperwork that usually follows a tragedy. Deal with doctors, lawyers, funeral directors and others who need to be included at this time. Answer their emails or set up an automated reply for them.”
Most of us know how to comfort people. Whether it’s a hug, a good chat or a gift of food, wine or flowers, we are pretty confident that we can cheer up those close to us. It’s instinctive and doesn’t really take up much of our day. To comfort is also to feel good about ourselves and how nice we are. Top marks!
But what happens when the usual comfort scenario just won’t do? When you struggle to find words, to find meaning, to find something suitable for that really horrible, terrible, shattering thing which has happened to someone you love?
Last year brought me to that state several times. In my circle of friends, there were unexpected deaths of three gorgeous people I loved, taken suddenly and too young, the expected but nevertheless upsetting death of my mother-in law, a house burned to the ground and several major illnesses requiring intensive treatment.
On all these occasions, I was left feeling that flowers just won’t cut it. Nor would food and wine. A hug and a chat? Not good enough.
In my own life I have had tragedy when I lost my daughter Virginia to cot death in the early 90s. She would
