Finding Peace and Purpose Amidst the Tears: My Journey of the Love and Loss of My Son Through His Mental Illness and Addiction

By Debbie Gail Zane

Debbie Gail Zanes’s life changed forever when she received a telephone call informing her that her twenty-six-year-old son, Alex, had been found dead. Just nine years before, he had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and begun using drugs. Throughout his battle with mental illness and addiction, she discovered how to find peace in her life and love him and herself during the many challenges.

In Finding Peace and Purpose amidst the Tears, she shares the many difficulties she experienced with her son’s mental illness and addiction, as well as how she supported him, fought for him, and loved him through his journey. Zane tells how, at times, her life felt consumed by his hospital visits, treatment center stays, drug use, and battles about his treatment. Despite the challenges, they maintained a loving relationship and she connected with her own love, compassion, and understanding and found a path to peace.

Zane chronicles her story of love and loss to help parents on a similar journey feel they’re not alone, offering hope for peace and healing. It helps others understand how to navigate their challenges with love and compassion and how to continue loving their child and themselves through it all, providing inspiration to go on after tragic loss.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: May 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798765239261

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Copyright © 2023 Debbie Gail Zane.

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ISBN: 979-8-7652-3917-9 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3916-2 (hc)

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2023902629

Balboa Press rev. date:  04/28/2023

To my beloved children, who showed me what it feels

like to give and receive true unconditional love. Alex,

David, and Steph I love you with all my heart.

In memory of my oldest son Alex, who’s big loving

heart touched us all. You were stronger than anyone

I know. It is through you that I found purpose.

In this memoir, all names have been changed except for

those of immediate family members and partners.

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

PART 1: ALEX AND I JOURNEY THROUGH HIS TEENAGE YEARS

Chapter 1     My Life Changed Forever

Chapter 2     A Serious Diagnosis

Chapter 3     Fighting for Alex’s Healing

Chapter 4     More Hospitalizations and Police Are the 911 Default

Chapter 5     Drugs and Rehab

Chapter 6     Moving Alex to an Oxford House

Chapter 7     Finding My Path to Peace

PART 2: HOLDING MY BREATH: MY SON BECOMES A YOUNG ADULT

Chapter 8     I Almost Lost Him Several Times

Chapter 9     Hey, Mom, It’s Alex

Chapter 10   Many Baptisms, Many Religions

Chapter 11   Life Becomes Harder for Alex

Chapter 12   Hope for Sobriety

Chapter 13   Childhood Memories Come Flooding Back

PART 3: LOSS AND HEALING: ALEX’S GIFT TO ME

Chapter 14   I Am Always Reminded of His Kindness and Love

Chapter 15   My Healing Journey

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About the Author

PREFACE

Life does not always give us what we are expecting and can bring many challenges that make us question our ability to handle the pain. When my oldest son, Alex, was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at age seventeen after being hospitalized for nearly a month and then became addicted to drugs and alcohol, I wasn’t prepared for how to deal with what I would be up against over the next nine years and the fear and anxiety I would experience. At times, my life felt consumed by his hospital visits, treatment center stays, drug use, and battles over seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and taking his medications. I faced terrifying realities when I almost lost him several times in his late teens and early twenties. After he passed away at the age of twenty-six, I felt pain like I had never experienced before, and I had no idea how I would find a way to go on. In that moment, my life had forever changed.

Through the darkness, it was so hard to see the light. While holding Alex in my heart, once I was able to turn to prayer, faith, and the angels for healing, I was guided to listen to a book-writing workshop and sign up for the Hay House Writer’s Community. Everything then became clear. I felt called to write this book to share my story with the hope that it would help other parents who have a child with mental illness or addiction or who have lost a child.

All my memories and the words, thoughts, and ideas to share them in this memoir flowed to me during the many sleepless nights after Alex passed away. I received everything I needed to write this book, and Alex has been right here with me on this journey to bring my story to life.

In this book, I share the many difficulties I went through with my son’s mental illness and addiction, as well as how I supported him, fought for him, and loved him through his journey. Despite the challenges, we maintained a loving relationship. I connected with my own love, compassion, and understanding and found my path to peace.

The journey can be lonely and difficult, leaving parents craving connection with others who have been there too.

Through sharing my story of the love and loss of my son through his mental illness and addiction and how I turned my pain into my purpose, I hope to help parents on a similar journey feel they are not alone, give them hope for peace and healing, and provide the inspiration to go on.

My desire is to make a difference in this world. So many families are affected by mental illness and addiction.

My heart goes out to these families, and I truly hope that reading this book will touch your heart and inspire you to find peace, hope, and purpose in your life.

INTRODUCTION

My life changed forever when I received a telephone call informing me that my twenty-six-year-old son, Alex, had been found dead. Just nine years before that, he had been diagnosed with mental illness and begun using drugs. Over the years of loving him though his battle with mental illness and addiction, I discovered how to find peace in my life and love him and myself through the many challenges. After losing him suddenly, I knew my life would never be the same. The pain felt unbearable, and I wondered how I would find a way to go on.

My journey raising Alex as a single mom was not easy. He was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at age seventeen after being hospitalized for nearly a month, and then he became addicted to drugs and alcohol in an attempt to self-medicate his serious chronic symptoms. In this book, I share the many difficulties I went through with his mental illness and addiction, and how I supported him, fought for him, and loved him through his journey. I connected with my own love, compassion, and understanding and found my path to peace. I found healing in helping others, initially through service in Alanon and later through doing life and relationship coaching. His death made me look at life in a different way and rethink everything. I knew I was meant for more and did a lot of soul searching about my purpose. I was guided to join the online Hay House Writer’s Community and felt called to write this book on the love and loss of my son to help other parents who have a child with mental illness or addiction or who have lost a child. I also decided to use my coach training and life experience to help parents on a similar journey to mine. Both make my life feel so much more meaningful.

On May 8, 2022, 60 Minutes reported on the devastating decline in the mental health of children across the United States. There are so many parents facing the challenges of raising a son or daughter with mental illness or addition. According to the National Center for Mental Illness (NAMI), one in six US adolescents aged twelve to seventeen experienced a major depressive episode, and three million had serious thoughts of suicide. One in three US young adults aged eighteen to twenty-five experienced a mental illness, one in ten experienced serious mental illness, and 3.8 million had serious thoughts of suicide. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), 15 percent of high school students used select illicit or injection drugs (i.e., cocaine, inhalants, heroin, methamphetamines, hallucinogens, or ecstasy), and 14 percent misused prescription opioids. The National Institutes of Health reported on various ages using alcohol and illicit drugs in 2021:

Alcohol:

17.2 percent of eighth graders

28.5 percent of tenth graders

46.5 percent of twelfth graders

Illicit drugs (other than marijuana):

4.6 percent of eighth graders

5.1 percent of tenth graders

7.2 percent of twelfth graders.

My book is unique in that it is a memoir covering my journey through my son’s mental illness, addiction, and death. Often these three areas go hand in hand, because many mentally ill people self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, and many lose their lives because of the difficulties they face in taking care of themselves and keeping themselves safe. This book will not only help parents grieving the loss of a child but will also help parents grieving the loss of who that child was prior to a life-changing mental illness and drug or alcohol addiction. I share my story of the love and loss of my son through his mental illness and addiction and how I turned my pain into my purpose in order to help parents who are on a similar journey feel they are not alone. I want to give them hope for peace and healing and the inspiration to go on.

My book is organized in three parts. Part One, Alex and I Journey through His Teenage Years, contains seven chapters. Chapter One, My Life Changed Forever, begins with the life-changing moment I received a call from the police officer informing me of Alex’s sudden death. I share my last family gathering with Alex and my last phone call with him, his funeral, and my spiritual experience after his death. Chapter Two, A Serious Diagnosis, is about learning that Alex was suicidal and plagued with paranoia. He was hospitalized for almost a month and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder—a pivotal moment in our lives. Chapter Three, Fighting for His Healing, is about why I sometimes felt as if I was fighting a war and losing. The chapter covers the difficulties I encountered as I sought to find Alex the very best psychiatrist and therapist so he could overcome his illness and the challenges I faced with his medications and getting him to see his doctors. Chapter Four, More Hospitalizations and Police Are the 911 Default, gives the reader a deeper understanding of the difficulties I faced raising a teenager with mental illness and addiction by showing the impact of frequent hospitalizations. His suicidal thoughts, drug use, and discontinuation of medications became the new reality. Chapter Five, Drugs and Rehab, brings the reader on a journey through a year of illicit drug use and rehab following the hospitalizations in the prior chapter. The reader will get a deeper understanding of the challenges Alex faced trying to stay sober as well as the emotional roller coaster I experienced as his mom when my renewed hope was quashed each time he went into rehab. Chapter Six, Moving Him to an Oxford House, is about moving Alex to an Oxford House as recommended by his rehab counselor, how difficult it was for me to stay firm in this decision amid his push to move home, and the difficulties associated with Alex living away from home related to his drug use, seizures, and mental illness. Chapter Seven, Finding My Path to Peace, offers the reader hope that they can have a loving relationship with their own child despite the struggles caused by mental illness and addiction. In this chapter, I share what helped me rise above the fear and find peace.

Part Two, Holding My Breath: My Son Becomes a Young Adult, contains six chapters. Chapter Eight, I Almost Lost Him Several Times, shares some of the experiences I went through where I almost lost him. Going off his medication, using drugs, and his seizure disorder all contributed to these very scary times where he almost didn’t survive. Chapter Nine, Hey, Mom, It’s Alex, shows a very special communication that turns out to be a gift. Even when he didn’t have his phone available, he found ways to reach out to me using other phones to let me know he was okay, and the conversation always began with, Hey, Mom, it’s Alex. I heard this after his death too until I realized what he was trying to tell me. Chapter Ten, Many Baptisms, Many Religions, is about the role of religion in Alex’s life and how it was a place where Alex felt like he was accepted and truly fit in. He spent a lot of time studying a number of different religions, one at a time, and became somewhat of an expert, which seemed to help him cope with the effects of his mental illness. Chapter Eleven, Life Becomes Harder for Alex, is about the increasing difficulties due to Alex’s mental illness, drug addiction, and overall health. Chapter Twelve, Hope for Sobriety, is about Alex’s decisions on his own to attend programs to help with his mental illness and drug and alcohol abuse during the last few years of his life, as well as how it was much different from when was younger and went to the hospital, rehab program, or counselor because he was told to go. Chapter Thirteen, Childhood Memories Come Flooding Back, is about when I suddenly had many childhood memories flooding back and realized on a deeper level that he was no longer the same person. A mourning process began even though this happened while he was still living, and I grieved the loss of how Alex was before the huge change resulting from mental illness and addiction.

Part Three, Loss and Healing: Alex’s Gift to Me, contains two chapters. Chapter Fourteen, I Am Always Reminded of His Kindness and Love, is about a part of my grieving process where I share some meaningful experiences reminding me of his kindness and love. Chapter Fifteen, My Healing Journey, is about my story of grieving and healing and turning my pain into my purpose. The reader will learn that although life will never be the same, there is hope to go on and find new meaning after experiencing tragic loss.

The epilogue discusses the autopsy report, which I received two and a half months after Alex’s death, and reveals the details from my telephone conversation with the medical examiner. Because the reports’ vagueness doesn’t offer an exact cause of death, I’ve intentionally left it out of the main story. The point of my story doesn’t revolve around that detail, although I believe my readers will feel closure if I include this discussion at the end.

Parents of teens or adult children who have mental illness or addiction or who pass away go through a difficult journey filled with fear, uncertainty, grief, deteriorating relationships, and losing themselves in their situation. My book will help them come to a new understanding of how to navigate their challenges with love and compassion, how to continue loving their child and themselves through it all, and the inspiration to go on after tragic loss.

PART ONE

Alex and I Journey

through His

Teenage Years

CHAPTER ONE

My Life Changed Forever

It was the first Thursday in January 2022, and my home had been without power and heat since the big snowstorm Monday. Like the last several nights, I barely slept as my body fought to keep warm. I dozed off for a bit before the morning. A little before 9:00 a.m., my cell phone rang. I was awake but lay